Can an affair become the real deal? (VERY long post, sorry!)

LegacyUser · 25-08-2010 12:59am #1

Hi all,

OK the title kinda sets it out, but it's gonna take a while to explain this properly...

I've been with my OH for 6 years now, and living together for over 3 years. Both in our mid/late 20's. Back when I was very first starting to see my OH, before we were even a "couple", I had a drunken one night stand with a girl much younger than me - I was 22 at the time and she was just turned 17 and still in school. (I should say I had actually kissed her a couple of times on nights out a few months previously, but the age gap was too big a problem for me, and I had backed away from her.)

Anyway, my future girlfriend never found out (because the other girl surprisingly kept it to herself), and off I went and fell in love etc...

However one night about a year later I ended up in a position where, at the end of a night out as a designated driver (I had given up drinking because amongst other things I can't keep it in my pants... oh the irony) I had this girl in my car because she was meeting a friend of mine. When we got to his house he basically said she couldn't come in, and could I get her home safely... which I did but not for another few hours...

So a year into my relationship with a girl who I am deeply in love with, and I have effectively cheated twice; once pissed and once sober. A couple of things which are also relevant here - for whatever reason there was just an incredible chemistry between me and this girl, the sex was unlike anything else I'd experienced, including with my OH.

I'm still not sure exactly what happened next, and she's not sure either, because we've tried to piece together the timeline, but basically we began to occasionally have a hookup, when she might be home from college at the weekend or on holidays. Usually I'd initiate it by texting her to see if she was home, if for whatever reason I felt I might be able to have an alibi for even an hour between 11pm and 2.30am. As far as I was consciously concerned it was purely sex, we never pretended it was anything else, and we generally didn't have any contact with each other apart from booty calls or whatever you'd call them.

This was not a very often thing, we've gone up to a year in between meetings at times, and other times might see each other maybe every month during a year. Quite often it'd be simply a matter of going for a spin in my car late at night and going to any of a few quiet rural locations where you wouldn't be disturbed.

She has been in a relationship herself for nearly 3 years now, but this hasn't really affected what we get up to (mainly because it is a long distance relationship). Obviously we have had lots of chats during all of our time driving around etc... and over 5 years have gotten to know each other very well. In fact we have been able to tell each other things that we couldn't perhaps say to anyone else, because officially we do not know each other well - we have a lot of mutual friends, her best friends are younger siblings of some of my good friends etc... - so we would know only each other in passing.

But now for the real pickle. In the last 5 months something has changed in our affair; I can't exactly pinpoint the moment in time when I realised I was in trouble, but it probably happened as a result of her telling me that she was planning on moving to where her boyfriend is from, she'd been offered a two-year paid post grad in a Uni there, and was moving away in July. So our long running dalliance was going to be ending.

We arranged to meet up one last time, and I still thought I was fine with it all, nice while it lasted etc etc... but then we ended up talking for ages, and we both admitted that we really didn't want to stop meeting up. She was due back in Ireland for a couple of weeks in August, so we agreed we would definitely fit each other in during that time.

So, that was fine and dandy, but then I started to text her to see how she was getting on in her new surrounds etc... and generally keeping in touch. We'd never really engaged with each other like this before, other than maybe occasionally to maybe recommend a film or a book or something. But over the last couple of months we've been texting, chatting online, and a couple of times on the phone.

At first I still didn't realise the significance of any of it, but after a while I realised I was disengaging from my relationship with my OH. I know I've hardly mentioned her yet, but that's really because the issue here isn't really with her - it's about this other girl and I. My OH is an amazing person, she is extremely loving, considerate and good-natured. We really get on fantastically 99% of the time. But over time a couple of things have cropped up that make me worry about our compatibility long term.

Firstly there's our sex-drives - mine is quite high (not abnormally so, but healthily high!), and hers started a bit low and has steadily fallen. It has now reached the point where I rarely initiate sex, even though I might want it; I'd be more likely to just skulk off to the bathroom and sort myself out while she dozes on the couch...

That is another issue; our general levels of energy, mine being very high and hers very low; she really sleeps an awful lot. This is getting worse and seriously worries me for our future. The energy mismatch is exaggerated by the fact that I am a night owl and she is a morning person, so one of us is invariably grumpy when the other is at their best!

However, despite the fact that she has a couple of health issues, she has really started to push for house & babies this year. I am not ready to commit yet, don't want kids (nor gonna be able to afford them) for at least a couple more years yet, and realistically we can't buy a house for another year yet. A few of her friends have had kids in the past 2 years and I suppose she's feeling the clock starting to tick, but while she knows we simply aren't in a position to start a family, the fact that I won't even entertain the idea, and the fact that I say a few years, when she wants to hear me say "as soon as possible", has caused a few arguments... But we've agreed in principle that we will be in the market for a house next year, and I suppose having such large commitments looming have made me examine our relationship.

While she is great fun and very witty etc in my company, or with her family or friends, my OH has big self-confidence issues (she was bullied at school, by teachers actually, and this is probably a factor), and try as I have, I've never really been able to integrate her into the group of friends I've had since school, because she is painfully shy and quiet around them, and intimidated by their girlfriends, who she perceives as being better than her, and looking down their noses... So basically we have no other couples, or group of people generally, that we do things with or socialise with. I often find out afterwards that people are going such a place or doing such a thing (Electric Picnic, Soccer / Rugby matches etc...), and we tend to have been overlooked. So I have found myself drifting outside of the loop, and I feel it is because I can't seem to balance the demands of my relationship with maintaining proper contact with these friends, although I suppose ultimately it is still my own fault if I've neglected my own friendships.

This would be OK if her friends were any use, but they're not; its a mystery to me how they are still close; they all live within a couple of miles of each other but could often go weeks without talking to any of the others, then all of a sudden they're all about each other again, but they only ever meet up to go out of a Saturday night, and never bring their men along, so it's all nothing to do with me really...

So basically, for a number of reasons, I don't see my life with my OH panning out the way I want it to, and I know that if I commit with her when and how she wants (including ending my affair, as this would be a no-brainer if I was settling down to buy a house / start a family), I would ultimately end up resenting her for tying me down before I was ready.

Anyway at the start of August the other lady in my life came back for shorter than expected, but we had arranged something unprecedented; when she was going to fly back out of the country she lied to people about her flight details, and we spent a whole 24 hours together, in order to try and get a handle on how we feel about each other. We have never had more than a couple of rushed hours together before. Our consensus was that it seems like we actually are in love with each other, and have pretty much just been codding ourselves for years with the "just sex" label. Actually I think she knew all along, or at least knew better than I did; I asked her why she never laid her cards on the table in all the time we've been meeting, and she said she doesn't put herself in a position where she could be rejected, so I had to say fair enough!

So we've agreed that over the next few months we want to become a couple, while we both acknowledge that we have no idea how exactly we will make it happen. We want to do it in such a way that no-one ever knows about our affair; not just to spare our own reputations, but also for my OH's sake, as I've mentioned previously we all come from a small-ish town. It may all seem very cold and calculating, but the bottom line is that we believe we'll be happier with each other, and surely our present partners deserve better than us anyway, if this is what we.re capable of...

So, while I still love my OH, I have for the last while been living a lie. I no longer see my future with her, and while there are actually two separate things here (the fact that I honestly don't think it will work in the longer term, and the fact that I believe I'm falling in love with someone else), I'm not really able to separate them in my mind.

If anyone has made it to the end of this, I'd love to know your opinion? I'm sure there will be women pulling their hair out reading this, as I will appear to be the typical Peter Pan type man, and maybe I am! But it doesn't change the way I feel about my life.

I suppose some of the things I am wondering about are:

If I do decide to end my relationship, I honestly think it serves no-one any use if I tell my OH about my cheating; fundamentally I don't think the relationship will last forever, and I have felt my love for her wane and become a more affectionate love than a passionate love. It may seem totally contradictory but I hate lies, any of my friends would say I am the straightest arrow they know, and I don't believe in getting ahead in life by cheating or lying. But if I tell my OH the truth I know it would destroy her self esteem and her ability to trust men; her previous boyfriend had cheated on her also. Surely it would be the lesser of the various evils if I omit to tell her the WHOLE truth about things...?

On a different matter, I think I remember reading somewhere that quite often relationships that start in the late teens or early 20's, tend to run their course, as the people just move in different directions, and quite often the next relationship is "the big one"... maybe because the failed relationship teaches you what it is you are really looking for?

Dunno what else there is to say really...!? (Well done to anyone who made it this far.)

Beruthiel · 25-08-2010 8:18am

Not sure what you expect us to say?
You have cheated on your g/f. You no longer respect her or care about her feelings and what that would do to her once she finds out.

Finish with her.
She deserves to be with someone who loves and respects her. That person is not you and you are wasting her precious time on this earth.
Let her go so she can find someone worthy of her.

As for the question you posed in the thread title, who can answer that? Only the two involved.

Ickle Magoo · 25-08-2010 8:22am

What do you mean - IF you decide to end your relationship? :eek: If you no longer see a future with her then that's the only thing to do. It's bad enough you took the cowardly route and cheated on her repeatedly but now all you are interested about is if your affair is going to bloom into a successful relationship - and wanting justify appeasing your own guilt by keeping quiet about having cheated, making out keeping your gf in the dark is somehow doing her a favour...

Just get out the poor girls life and then do what you want in your own, would be my advice.

Kimia · 25-08-2010 8:49am

Op, your post almost made me physically sick. I've never heard such a sickening story of the nature of liars in my life. You seem to have absolutely no sense of right and wrong, to the point where I truly believe you are a sociopath. Perhaps check this out yourself in case you need some therapy as I'm sure it doesn't just affect your relationship life.

I don't really have any advice for you. You do know that you'll get together with this other girl, and then her flaws will start irritating you and you'll fly right into another affair, right? I mean, you have no respect for long-term commitments clearly so what makes this girl different?

The only thing I'd say is please break up with your girlfriend. Do the right thing and allow her to find someone who loves her. I feel so sorry for her that she's lived a lie for the past 5 years and she has no idea. I shudder to think that there may be other men out there like you.

tinkerbell · 25-08-2010 8:58am

OP, your post actually disgusts me. You're going out with your OH for six years and basically have been having an affair from the very start? Why are you still with your OH? You are being completely selfish - tying your OH down to a man who doesn't give a crap about her, because if you did, you would NOT be cheating on her.

And as for her having a low sex drive, well are you even trying to be intimate with her anymore? I doubt you are since you're so preoccupied with your mistress.

So man up, grow a pair and end things with your OH. She doesn't deserve to be with someone like you who clearly doesn't respect her or care for her.

jessiejam · 25-08-2010 8:59am

Op I'm glad shes moving away
You don't deserve a GF
Cop yourself on and take your head out of your ar*e and stop being such a selfish immature ****boy.

Hopefully your actual girlfriend has been doing it to you too, just so you know how it feels.
That kind of attitude to a relationship actually makes me sick

blairbear · 25-08-2010 9:31am

Oh GOD, I too am pretty sickened having read that self-absorbed, selfish post. You seem to express absolutely ZERO remorse. It's all about what's best for you, what suits you the most blah blah blah.

I couldn't discern one real emotion in your post whatsoever. Do you even realise the magnitude of what you've been doing to your poor girlfriend? She has self-confidence issues, you say? That's a con in your assessment of her. What do you think an emotionally absent boyfriend who's running off to spend time with some little madam, cheating on her partner too, is doing to this girl's self-confidence???? She sleeps a lot. She can be grumpy. For god's sake, OP, any flaw she may have pales in comparison to the life of deception, dishonesty and cruelty you've been living.

I don't think you're going to get many sympathetic replies or advice here, OP. What you should do is leave your girlfriend, let her find someone who won't treat her like dirt or a commodity to be valued and compared against another woman, tell her you've cheated as she should get an STI test IMMEDIATELY by the sounds of things (God knows what else your mistress has been up to), and..actually...do whatever you want with your bit on the side. I'm not giving advice one way or the other on that. You're as bad as each other.

Oh and OP? I don't think any woman is sitting here thinking "oh, he's the typical Peter Pan type" or anything as whimsical as that. The women AND I'm sure the vast, vast majority of men would be thinking something MUCH stronger.

Kimia wrote: »

Op, your post almost made me physically sick. I've never heard such a sickening story of the nature of liars in my life. You seem to have absolutely no sense of right and wrong, to the point where I truly believe you are a sociopath. Perhaps check this out yourself in case you need some therapy as I'm sure it doesn't just affect your relationship life.

Sociopath is exactly what sprang to mind for me too. I've rarely come across anyone whose life is so entangled in such a web of guilt-free lies. I just read the post for a third time. I keep thinking I must have made a mistake, and that it COULDN'T be that bad. It actually is though.

LegacyUser · 25-08-2010 9:39am

this seriously reminds me of my ex...we had strong sexual chemistry, and 6 months of no contact he came back to me for sex, even though he has a gf " he adores who is perfect"..

What i would say is, take a good look into the mirror, you are a liar and a user, surprisingly you have managed to do this for years without as it appears any remorse or regrets, if you want ot redeem yourself, break up with her, simple as that and if you want a fresh new start i would say be honest so she doesnt end up with hopes to get back with you ..

For all party involve, what I really hope but fear is not the case, is that you have not used protections with the affair girl, THAT alone scares me for your gf...as your affair girl had a bf ...oh god, the things could be done.

As your future relationship with the new girl i would only say, what goes around comes around, i fear my dear that years of abusing someone affection and love for you might come back to haunt you.

I dont wish you bad but by experience i can honestly tell you, you reap what you sow so good luck.

spinandscribble · 25-08-2010 9:41am

You've now convinced yourself that your shag pal is your big love because she's a few years younger then your gf and not wanting a house/baby. you've got one thing straight you're more alike. I wonder will you always worry she'll cheat on you too....Honestly? I don't think you'll both survive a relationship. You both are too at ease with cheating/lying and give her a few weeks and you might very well realise you don't know her as well as you think you do. since the sex between you is as you've said infrequent, there no way to tell if her sex drive is in fact higher then your gfs or she has just been using sex to keep you around. That seems to be the problem you have with your gf since this is the only thing your "new love" has that she doesn't (as well as a few years shaved off)

Letting your actual gf go is the only thing you can do and the sooner rather than later. You've effectively let her waste her life on you for years. You give no indication that you realise that.

StarryMoon0 · 25-08-2010 9:48am

So, your going to stay with you OH untill you can be sure that the new relationship might work?
Nice one..

Most people end a relationship when they believe they are not in love with thier OH. To do this to your OH and attempt to defend yourself by saying she's grumpy and has a low sex drive is incredibly selfish and immature.

As with the other posters, I feel sick about the way you have carried on.

Grow up

gandalf · 25-08-2010 9:51am

The only thing I can say is to end your current relationship as it is a sham. How you do it is up to you. However eventually the details of this affair will more than likely reach this poor womans ears, wouldn't it be better if you tell her and be straight with her now.

twoweekstogo · 25-08-2010 9:56am

Your OH deserves so much better than you! In the last five years that you have been fcuking around she could have met a real man, but no you didnt give her that chance! You decided to hang on to her while you effectively made an eejit out of her, even if she doesnt know it! I hope you have the balls to break up with her soon! You should of done it years ago!!

beks101 · 25-08-2010 10:16am

Hi OP

It'd be very easy to rush into some crucifixions here, but I'm going to look at this logically.

Affairs by their nature are secretive, exciting, adrenaline-rushing and sexy in a taboo sort of way and that's exactly what you've gotten from your little liaisons with this younger woman.

Both of you have been lacking in your respective relationships with other people and through each other, have managed to fulfill your sexual fantasies and fill the hole that was missing with your other partners.

But that's not the real world. Just like your OH, this woman has a list of flaws that are going to emerge over time if you start a full-blown relationship with her that is not based on purely sex and sex alone.

What if her sex drive begins to wane a few years down the line just like your OH? What's to stop you from seeking out a younger model to satisfy you, while convincing yourself that you still 'love' the current one?

I'm not being funny about this, it's something you're seriously going to have to consider. You've done it once and it's not impacted on your conscience in any real way; there's a strong chance the pattern will continue.

To be honest, I don't think you're in love at all, with either of these women. I don't know you from Adam but true love would not have allowed you to do what you've done to your OH without a second thought, for the duration of your relationship. And true love would not have allowed you to keep the younger woman on the sidelines and compartmentalise her as 'just sex' for as long as you have.

I think she has you convinced that you're in love because that's the way she feels about you. I think the lust you have for her, and the fact that your other relationship is no longer feasible, has made you agree with her.

I think you need to end it with your OH by telling her the God honest truth about what you've been doing (your concern for her 'self esteem' is the most transparent of lies in your entire post) - she is a grown woman and how she handles it is her business. Realistically it might help her to get over you a lot faster than she otherwise would.

I also think you need to completely cut ties with the other woman too, and live life as a single man for a while so you can sort out your issues and attitude towards relationships without hurting another woman. And make no mistake about it - you have serious issues when it comes to relationships, women and personal responsibility. Relationships are hard work, they involve sacrifice, commitment, patience, trust, and there should be as much give as there is take.

I would strongly advise you commit yourself to a few years of counselling with a good therapist, but I strongly suspect you will break your OH's heart without respecting her enough as an adult by telling her the full story, and start a new life with the younger woman.

Good luck. You're going to need it.

metrovelvet · 25-08-2010 10:20am

You ended your relationship along time ago. You just didn't have the courtesy to tell your OH because there is something very convenient for YOU in keeping her in the dark about it.

There's no point asking people for whatever it is you are asking for. What are you asking for? How to pull of the break successfully? Approval? People to tell you you're not such a bad guy.

My guess you are the type who will do whatever you want anyway so what is it you want here?

You don't love either of these women either, its just part of the script.

Can an affair become the real thing? Yeah, in rare circumstances it can. But I dont think yours will because you are compulsive liar and no relationship with you will ever be real. It might be fun while it lasts though. And then you can continue on with the trail of pain you leave in your path.

AnonMous · 25-08-2010 10:25am

I have a sneaky feeling that the new relationship won't work at all. How on Earth could either of ye trust the other, knowing how conniving ye both are?

My prediction is that the new relationship will all go belly up, you will beg your old girlfriend to take you back but she will be after finding the man of her dreams who loves and treats her with respect...and that is no less than she deserves.

The word karma comes to mind here dude and I think it's going to take a big wet bite out of you.

ash23 · 25-08-2010 11:01am

Your post could have been written by my ex, it's so similar. Although his affair was for a year as opposed to 6.
I was on baby/house/wedding track, he was on screwing around, heading off with his mates etc.

He "fell in love" with some bird after a couple of shags and a few months of texts. Poor girl was so lacking in confidence she lapped it up. Anyway, he was too cowardly to break up with me and be alone so he lines up someone else before he manned up and told me.

Now, he's still with this girl so who knows, maybe he is in love. Or maybe he's in love with the lifestyle he has with her. Partying, festivals, no ties or commitments. I wonder how it will pan out when it comes to her wanting marriage and babies in a few years. I suspect the same pattern will emerge.

Anyway, your girlfriend deserves better. And she deserves to know the truth. You've lied to her long enough and now you're going to break it off and make out like you're actually a good guy who fell out of love. My arse.
Tell her she's been landed with a cheating lieing toerag for 6 years. It'll hurt her but it'll help her get over you. At least she won't be confused about why she got dumped.

And then move on to the affair girl and see how that pans out if you like. Although with your history of cheating and hers, I don't see it amounting to much. Sounds like you both want a "get out" clause but are too chicken to actually try being single for a while. But at least your girlfriend will be free of you. This other girl deserves you. Your girlfriend doesn't. She deserves much much better.

Walls · 25-08-2010 11:14am

There is a remarkable convenience in your feelings for Girl No. 2 becoming strong when Girl No. 1 seeks a stronger committement, which you yourself might not be aware of. So. I think leave both of them alone, and perhaps sit out relationships for a while. Neither of them are really appreciated by you, are they? Girl No. 1 seems to be heading for the scrap heap for no bigger reason than for not having sex enough and not having enough friends, and if this is the level of your bond then don't marry her. Children and life will make the paltry connection you have with her run out and turn into hate faster than you can believe.

Girl No. 2... I'm honestly not sure you should be with her either. Right now you have not had her pressurising you for commitment, boring you with stories of her day, looking ugly when she cried due to PMT, heck, being real at all. And she hasn't seen that side of you yet, has she? That side that says, 'I'm better than this,' and then mentally walk out the door.

I think you may have talked yourself out of a successful relationship because you kept your options open and never really asked yourself what was going on. You've slept around and therefore denied your partner your fidelity in body or mind. And you've also replaced her, in your mind, with a model that is younger, less boring, and will not ask committment from you. You seem to have felt subconsciously that being committed was not for you, but not actually told anyone your decision.

This is no way to do things, OP. You seem to know what you don't want, but not what you do, and so are wrecking things left right and center. I have to be honest, I'm glad I'm not in your shoes. Folks are going to kill you and what are you going to be left with? An aspiration for more parked cars in the dark? Hmmmmm.....

BettePorter · 25-08-2010 11:23am

jeez guys cut the op some slack......he hasn't come on here claiming to be partner of the year ! he's been honest (albeit with us and not his OH) and admits he's at fault. TBH there are plenty of guys out there who go through with the marriage, house, babies and then 6 months in decide to tell the wife they've been with someone for years and never really wanted to go through with wedding but did so reluctantly. if he has the balls he will end it now before it goes to far and you have to admire him for that. i worked with a guy who called the wedding off 3 weeks before and has since met and married someone else..........isn't it better that someone is seen as a bastard for a while than actually be a bastard for years.

i think the affair is a separate issue......... i doubt he s in love with her or her him........they're caught up in the illicit notion of fooling around . all the fun and danger would be killed off if they could actually be together full time.
OP you need to do the decent thing and break it off with your gf. but i wouldn't tell her about the affair. y9ou're not leaving her because you have someone else........you're leaving her cause you don't love her.

Oryx · 25-08-2010 11:24am

Before you embark on this 'new' relationship, there are a few things you need to examine about yourself.

The first is why you needed this secret girl in your life while you had a pretty good life already with your regular girlfriend. It seems to me that you need an extra layer going on in your life to keep things interesting. Regular life wont cut it. Chances are youll fall into the same pattern of needs even with your lover once the shine wears off your relationship, and it is known about.

Second, realise that you created the rift with your current girlfriend. It has absolutely nothing to do with her sleep patterns, energy levels, or sex drive. It is all about your need to get out of the relationship, but to be able to blame the break up on her, in a way. You need to admit, to yourself, if noone else, that this breakup is down to you, and not her. Stop creating reasons why she is no good anymore. This is about you not wanting her, nothing else.

Your whole post is about wanting someone to come along and tell you what you are doing is ok. To legitimise something you know in your heart is a completely shoddy way to behave. Im not condemning you for how youve acted, human emotions are too complex, and we all do stuff that we are not proud of. Im not here to throw stones. But please do figure your head out, so that this is the last time you mess up other peoples lives because of your own inner confusion.

LegacyUser · 25-08-2010 11:25am

Your and your new gf are going to spend the next 2 years not trusting the other. I guarantee it.

Every move you make you will both wonder what the other is really up to. Paranoid that they are going to cheat or go back to the ex for a secret hook up.
IMO no less than you both deserve
So in 2 years time or less, you will probably be on boards looking for advice on how to trust again. As another poster stated, what goes around comes around.

Kimia · 25-08-2010 11:28am

BettePorter wrote: »

if he has the balls he will end it now before it goes to far and you have to admire him for that. i worked with a guy who called the wedding off 3 weeks before and has since met and married someone else..........isn't it better that someone is seen as a bastard for a while than actually be a bastard for years.

Are you for real? You are actually saying we should 'admire' him for that? Too far - how about the last 6 years of his girlfriend's life, which has been a complete sham?

Read the whole thing before spouting such nonsense.

Walls · 25-08-2010 11:32am

BettePorter wrote: »

i worked with a guy who called the wedding off 3 weeks before and has since met and married someone else

The general consensus is that such conduct would be unforgivable. Maybe understandable from a distance, but ultimately unforgivable.

Elle Collins · 25-08-2010 11:32am

I don't think I've ever read a post where the posters name was so mismatched to the post content.

As for advice: Do your gf the only favour you've ever done her - get the fuk out of her life.

StarryMoon0 · 25-08-2010 11:34am

BettePorter wrote: »

you have to admire him for that. i worked with a guy who called the wedding off 3 weeks before and has since met and married someone else..........isn't it better that someone is seen as a bastard for a while than actually be a bastard for years.

Admire? Ok, its one thing if its not love or you just decide the person isn't right for you, but to keep up the sham for 6 years?
If the OP had done the same thing, but only for a couple months, I'd not be as harsh in my thinking. Sometimes we all need a couple months to examine things and see/decide what we want.
6 years is IS "being a bastard for years"

blairbear · 25-08-2010 11:42am

BettePorter wrote: »

jeez guys cut the op some slack......he hasn't come on here claiming to be partner of the year ! he's been honest (albeit with us and not his OH) and admits he's at fault. TBH there are plenty of guys out there who go through with the marriage, house, babies and then 6 months in decide to tell the wife they've been with someone for years and never really wanted to go through with wedding but did so reluctantly. if he has the balls he will end it now before it goes to far and you have to admire him for that. i worked with a guy who called the wedding off 3 weeks before and has since met and married someone else..........isn't it better that someone is seen as a bastard for a while than actually be a bastard for years.

i think the affair is a separate issue......... i doubt he s in love with her or her him........they're caught up in the illicit notion of fooling around . all the fun and danger would be killed off if they could actually be together full time.
OP you need to do the decent thing and break it off with your gf. but i wouldn't tell her about the affair. y9ou're not leaving her because you have someone else........you're leaving her cause you don't love her.

Other posters have addressed the lack of insight in other parts of your reply, but this stood out for me. The man has been having sex with another girl for years, who is in turn sleeping with her partner. She may or may not be sleeping with other men. The OP may or may not be sleeping with other women. Even if they all used condoms every single time, the OP's girlfriend is STILL unknowingly at risk of STI's. She needs to get an STI check and a cervical smear.

And to dump his sorry ass as well, clearly, and never look back.

He deserves ZERO slack.

BettePorter · 25-08-2010 11:53am

Kimia wrote: »

Are you for real? You are actually saying we should 'admire' him for that? Too far - how about the last 6 years of his girlfriend's life, which has been a complete sham?

Read the whole thing before spouting such nonsense.

Kimia the difference between your opinion and mine (to which we are all entitled without abuse !) is that i see things rationally rather than jumping in with the 'he's a prick ! period! mentality.
'Nonsense' is not seeing the situation for what it is.........he can't do anything about the last 6 years, but he's now acceptig that it can't go on. the cowardly thing to do is to continue leading her on. he could very easily continue as is, marry her, have kids and 10 years down the line still be here. 'too far'.........is marriage kids etc. you can say what you like Kimia but living with someone and cheating on them is completely different than being married and cheating. he can walk away at any time..........its just taken longer than it should and while he should be rebuked for that we should give him the benefit of the doubt and hope that he finally does the right thing. Everyone is entitled to their opinion Kimia, relax.

I_choose_life · 25-08-2010 11:56am

Just one question.... if affair girl decides to change her mind and stay with her current boyfriend... and all bets are off between you and her.... would you still leave your girlfriend who you have admitted you feel is unsuitable for you now???????

Really don't want to sound too harsh but you are every mothers worse nightmare for their daughters! Whatever about the buzz of what you did on your girlfriend how on earth have you managed to look her parents in the eye for the last number of years?

Shocking reading.

LittleBook · 25-08-2010 11:56am

Ashamed wrote: »

So we've agreed that over the next few months we want to become a couple, while we both acknowledge that we have no idea how exactly we will make it happen. We want to do it in such a way that no-one ever knows about our affair; not just to spare our own reputations, but also for my OH's sake, as I've mentioned previously we all come from a small-ish town.

I read your post from start to finish (mainly because I was intrigued by the responses you received from other posters) and it seems to me that the above is the only problem you and your lover have ... you both want to brush your lies and cheating under the carpet and carry on as if nothing has happened and you two remain stand-up guys in your small-ish town.

Talk about having your cake and eating it.

Elle Collins · 25-08-2010 1:03pm

BettePorter wrote: »

you can say what you like Kimia but living with someone and cheating on them is completely different than being married and cheating.

What a load of bollocks.

Kimia · 25-08-2010 1:08pm

Bette I can't believe you're still coming out with this drivel - it's shocking. Well done for insulting every single couple who lives together - they don't deserve fidelity as much as married people? I think your opinion is nonsense Bette and it sounds like you're living in a fantasy world.

Oryx · 25-08-2010 1:20pm

This is about the OP. Not a debate on marraige vs living together. Stick to the topic and keep it civil.

LegacyUser · 25-08-2010 1:35pm

If you have never been in this situation before then please dont attack the OP, you have no idea what this situation is like! Sorry for the long post btw.

Im going unreg for this one, but me and my OH were in your situation too. He was in a long term relationship (7 years) and they too had been together since there teens. We met each other through work and started to get along really well, He was always up front about his girlfriend so i new he was unavailable, anyway somehow things developed into an affair (like you it was just sex) after a couple of months we got the chance to spend the night together and we realised we had such strong feelings for each other and there was a chemistry there that neither of us ever felt before. So the late night texting started and the e-mails flying etc. Eventually he decided he was going to leave his girlfriend and we could be together properly. This took about 2 months to happen as it was close to Christmas and said it wouldnt be fair to leave her at that time of year (i no its never a good time) Anyway they did break up after Christmas and we were finally together. We waited a few months to be together properly as he needed time to get over the break down of the relationship and also we like yourself didnt want her to find out about us as that would kill her confidence and cause her even more upset.

Moral of the story is that was 5 years ago and were now living together and planning on buying a house next year. So yes to answer your question an affair can most DEFINETLY become the real deal. We love and trust each other and can confide everything in each other. Im not saying for one minute we were right to do what we did, we done a horrible thing to that girl BUT everyone is much happier now. She herself has moved on and is living with her new boyfriend. They actually met up after and admitted neither one ever really loved the other, they were to young and stupid.

hollypink · 25-08-2010 1:51pm

BettePorter wrote: »

but he's now acceptig that it can't go on.

Is he?

Ashamed wrote: »

If I do decide to end my relationship

That line is what stood out for me. The OP no longer sees a future with his current partner:

Ashamed wrote: »

So, while I still love my OH, I have for the last while been living a lie. I no longer see my future with her

but unbelievably he has still not decided to end the relationship.

OP surely it is time for some honesty.

BettePorter · 25-08-2010 1:53pm

Kimia wrote: »

- they don't deserve fidelity as much as married people? I think your opinion is nonsense Bette and it sounds like you're living in a fantasy world.

I think you're living in a fantasy world Kimia, if you choose to see life and relationship like paint by numbers pictures ! doesn't work like that ! He's been a tool and he is where he is now......now he has to deal with it.

Where exactly did i say a co habiting couple don't deserve fidelity???? have you actually anything constructive to contribute to this thread or are you just going to mis read my posts for the duration ! You're shocked by my opinion yet you branded him a 'Sociopath'.........! i'll repeat it cause the clippety clop of your horse seems to have prevented you from reading what i wrote ! Living together and being married in this instance is different......he can walk away with a minimum of disruption to this girls life as opposed to being married which would entail, divorce, division of assets, child custody. correct me if i'm wrong, but as far as i can tell from the op spost, they are renting rather than co owning property.
But thats beside the point anyway.......you disagree with my post......fair enough...but then you'd probably deem me a sociopath too........any chance you could stick to the topic at hand rather than reading things that aren't there.

dory · 25-08-2010 1:57pm

OP dump your girlfriend, please.

After that you can start taking advice on board or whatever else you want to do.

At the moment you come across as a pathetic person who can't be on their own. Don't be that guy.

metrovelvet · 25-08-2010 1:59pm

BettePorter wrote: »

I think you're living in a fantasy world Kimia, if you choose to see life and relationship like paint by numbers pictures ! doesn't work like that ! He's been a tool and he is where he is now......now he has to deal with it.

Where exactly did i say a co habiting couple don't deserve fidelity???? have you actually anything constructive to contribute to this thread or are you just going to mis read my posts for the duration ! You're shocked by my opinion yet you branded him a 'Sociopath'.........! i'll repeat it cause the clippety clop of your horse seems to have prevented you from reading what i wrote ! Living together and being married in this instance is different......he can walk away with a minimum of disruption to this girls life as opposed to being married which would entail, divorce, division of assets, child custody. correct me if i'm wrong, but as far as i can tell from the op spost, they are renting rather than co owning property.
But thats beside the point anyway.......you disagree with my post......fair enough...but then you'd probably deem me a sociopath too........any chance you could stick to the topic at hand rather than reading things that aren't there.

Marriage doesn't do that. Kids and property do that.

LegacyUser · 25-08-2010 2:00pm

The OP's been honest. As stated by one other person above, he's not looking for a partner of the year award. He was looking for opinions on and answers to his issue. I think some people here really need to get off their moral high-ground and learn to be objective in dishing out the advice. It's not necessary to be extremely nasty to a poster, we NEVER know the full story, ever.

I personally don't feel it's my place to judge any other human being, so instead I will offer advice to you.

I myself was in a similar situation over a year ago. I started seeing a friend casually, I was single, he had a long term gf who he never mentioned, I knew of her existence but nothing more. It was supposed to be just a bit of fun occasionally for us, our affair didn't go on for years like yours, thankfully. After years of flirting and being blind to what had innocently developed between us, we got to the sex stage, that only went on for about 4 months before he ended his long term relationship.

There were lots of factors very similar to yours, none of which I'll bother going into, but he was heading down the serious road with his long term gf, and he didn't seem to be anywhere near ready for that. He didn't know what he wanted. I didn't know what I wanted or if I wanted to be in a serious relationship with him (or anyone) as I wondered if we could ever trust each other after the affair, and of course there was no point looking for unbiased advice from anyone here as the mentions of affairs result in nothing but criticism, though I would suspect there are many posters here overlooking questionable periods in their own life relationships.

He ended his long term relationship, but decided to remain the good guy by not telling his ex the truth, he was insistent on letting her down gently, to cause her the least amount of pain as possible. He had good intentions but would not do it this way if he could relive the situation again. He told her he wanted to be single and didn't want to be in a relationship. I completely disagreed with this method from the offset, reckoning he should've just told her the truth as it'd make things a lot easier for her.

On that front, I was most certainly right. We won't ever be going through this again, but if we were we'd both do a few things differently.

If he had told her he'd been cheating, the breakup would've been a lot easier for her. She would've had instant anger with him, and hated him from the offset which would've allowed her to move on a lot more quickly. By not telling the truth, you leave the woman sitting there questioning what's wrong with her, wondering what she could have done differently in the relationship, and waiting around in case her partner may 'come to his senses' and return full of love. They're also left fully in love with their partner and unable to feel anything other than sadness and self-blame. Hate is the best thing a woman can feel at that stage in the relationship. It gives the drive and power to move forward.

Besides that, as time passes, the cheated partner is guaranteed to put two and two together when they see you with the new person, hear rumours, and it digs up a new minefield for them as they re-evaluate what they thought was the truth at the time of breakup. Lying about the reason for the breakup is just delaying the pain further.
If you get with the girl you're having the affair with, and your current girlfriend sees you with her a few months down the road, questions will be asked, people will talk, conclusions will be formed. You know how it goes..

Telling your ex will allow you to be 'public' with your new partner sooner. No hiding or sneaking around or any of that bull****. Now maybe you get a kick from that, some people do, but for me I just wanted normality in my new relationship, and it felt wrong to be spending months protecting the ex from finding out that my bf had moved on while she was still sitting there dreaming of him returning.

So, best advice I can give there is be a man, tell her that you've met/fallen for someone else (no need to tell her you've met the love of your life as most likely, you haven't, and it won't make her feel very good about herself), you can't give her what she wants (house/babies/marriage) and she deserves to find someone else who loves her as she should be loved.

In my situation, the thing that made me feel sorry for the ex was she was desperate for babies/marriage. Now in our case she's still young enough to find that with someone else, but I feel that my bf wasted years of her life away (though this was partly her fault too for ignoring problems in their relationship as she was too determined to have her dream future happen) while she could've been finding Mr Right; instead she was sitting in a dead end relationship that he knew deep down was never going to go anywhere but failed to fully accept or do something about it until another option entered his life (me).

You've done the same to your girlfriend and that's the biggest criticism I'd have for your behaviour.

She deserves to be cut loose as soon as possible. Fact is, women have a biological clock. If they're seeking the marriage/kids thing, they only have so much time once in their late 20s to find someone, get to know them, fall in love, get house, marriage, kids, etc. The sooner you free her, the quicker she'll get over what you've done and move on. Allowing her to hate you (by telling her the truth) will rapidly speed up her moving-on process. She won't spend months sitting by the phone waiting for the 'good guy who just wasn't ready to settle' to call her and return.

I'll let you know where we are a year on.

For us, it was love. Our 'bit of fun' turned out to be the real deal. It all made sense once we officially got together. It changed both of our outlooks on everything in life and we couldn't be happier. People reading this will, I'm sure, try to say it's too soon to be sure and that we'll probably fall apart at the 18 month mark, or such, but when you're in a relationship that can get through thick and thin, you'll know it. It'll stand out from anything you've been a part of before. People can say what they want, only you can decide whether you wish to listen to them.

There have been a few issues for us as a result of how we started together; I find it awkward introducing him to somebody who knows me and not him as the 'where did you meet and when' questions are sure to come up and I prefer not to answer those, I am an honest person and don't agree with lying unnecessarily. People who know us well know the truth and don't ask. I'd like for us to have started out as two young, free, single people who locked eyes in a busy train station or some such romantic notion, but real life doesn't always play out like that as I'm sure you know.

I think it's important to put an end to the web of lies as quickly as possible when moving from an affair to starting afresh in an official relationship and that's why I feel uncomfortable with the 'when did you start seeing each other' stuff. I don't want to have to invent fake dates, etc.

I found it difficult to deal with his ex's waiting around for him to return, half of me felt sorry for her and the rest felt some form of jealousy, a 'why can't she just move on and leave us alone already!' feeling. I wanted to enjoy my new, fresh relationship without a shadow lurking in the sidelines, waiting, not knowing.

We have both had some fairly minor trust issues, I much more than him. You have to remember I wasn't seeing anyone when we were having the affair, and I knew little of his relationship or whether it was serious or not. I definitely found it hard to trust he wouldn't do the same to me in the beginning but at this point, we're deeply involved enough that I know he'd never hurt me.

It was this huge relief to be able to just be together, to get out of the darkness of the affair stage, (in our case lots of people knew we were having an affair, in fact probably everyone except his ex, which made it far more complicated) and as time passes it gradually becomes a distant memory. That memory will fade further with more time.

Those first few weeks and months can be very testing as you deal with all of the above circumstances and possibly many others.

We have both learned so, so much from the whole affair and our behaviour through that time. I do believe that many people who make mistakes like this learn from it and will never, ever do it again. I know neither my boyfriend nor I will. Everyone assumes 'once a cheat, always a cheat' but I disagree with this, it's not ALWAYS true.

It has created an extremely honest relationship between us, if we have a problem or are upset with each other over any little issue, we sit down and discuss it. We tackle it head on and fix it. I know we could fix any problem with this method. Neither of us would've had the maturity or understanding to tackle issues in this way previously.

If either of us were unhappy and wanted out of this relationship, there is no doubt we would discuss it and be entirely honest with each other, after seeing how the past situation played out. We both agree honesty is the number 1 factor in our relationship, and this is what will continue to keep us strong. This has also fixed most of the trust issues that occurred between us early on.

We're now just a normal couple, we're happy and we will last, I have no doubt. We always had chemistry as friends, but nothing was clear during the affair. It took him getting completely out of his relationship and then leaving it a couple of months until he had cut ties with his ex financially, etc, for us to evaluate what was actually going on between us and verify we were very in love.

My advice to you is, get out of what you are in now. Don't sit around being cowardly for days/weeks/months. There is NO good time to do this so don't sit waiting for one. The time is now. Don't try setting up your next relationship to walk straight into it. Allow things to happen naturally AFTER you have ended what you are in. Your priority needs to be GET OUT.

The chances are high that this girl may not be what you think. She may be incredibly boring and sleep her hours away in the style your ex did. Perhaps you know what she's like already. The grass can seem much greener on the other side. Be aware of these factors. Be prepared to put a lot of work into a relationship. Expect trust issues but understand they can be overcome. It all takes time and slow progress.

I'm sure you know you've done wrong, and I hope you can learn from this and change the way you treat others in future.

I hope this advice can be of some use to you and I wish you the best of luck.

Kimia · 25-08-2010 2:06pm

BettePorter wrote: »

Where exactly did i say a co habiting couple don't deserve fidelity???? have you actually anything constructive to contribute to this thread or are you just going to mis read my posts for the duration !

Here you go.

BettePorter wrote: »

you can say what you like Kimia but living with someone and cheating on them is completely different than being married and cheating. he can walk away at any time........

I'm not responding to you anymore Bette, I'll just get banned.

fungun · 25-08-2010 2:11pm

Can it work? Yes

Will it work? Probably not tbh. You both clearly have issues. How you will be able to trust each other through a 'bad patch' is beyond me. Agree with other posters about the convenient timing....you have 2 separate issues here, deal with them separately.

1. ditch your gf, she deserves no less. Im all for honesty but if you think it will destroy her self confidence then its hard to say what to do. Get yourself tested for STDs anyway.

2. Girl no 2. You sound like some single time and dealing with your issues would be for the best if you really want things to go well with her. So make your own decision and let her make hers. If she wants to ditch her bf to gt with you then maybe. I actually cant bring myself to care about this bit, sorry!

BettePorter · 25-08-2010 2:11pm

Kimia wrote: »

Here you go.

I'm not responding to you anymore Bette, I'll just get banned.

thanks for that, in quoting me you just proved my point ! you read one thing and interpret another

I'm not responding to you anymore Bette, I'll just get banned.[/QUOTE]

at last you're making sense !

op let us know how you go !

StarryMoon0 · 25-08-2010 2:28pm

BettePorter wrote: »

I think you're living in a fantasy world Kimia, if you choose to see life and relationship like paint by numbers pictures ! doesn't work like that ! He's been a tool and he is where he is now......now he has to deal with it.

Where exactly did i say a co habiting couple don't deserve fidelity???? have you actually anything constructive to contribute to this thread or are you just going to mis read my posts for the duration ! You're shocked by my opinion yet you branded him a 'Sociopath'.........! i'll repeat it cause the clippety clop of your horse seems to have prevented you from reading what i wrote ! Living together and being married in this instance is different......he can walk away with a minimum of disruption to this girls life as opposed to being married which would entail, divorce, division of assets, child custody. correct me if i'm wrong, but as far as i can tell from the op spost, they are renting rather than co owning property.
But thats beside the point anyway.......you disagree with my post......fair enough...but then you'd probably deem me a sociopath too........any chance you could stick to the topic at hand rather than reading things that aren't there.

I think most posters are just seeing it a different way. It comes across thats he's disrespected his OH by doing this for 6 years and is only looking to leave the relationship now that he thinks he has a sure thing with someone else. Kind of like he'll stick with the OH if he doesn't think him and the other girl can make a go of it.
Most of us are simply responding that he should take responsibility for his actions and leave rather than stay with his OH. He makes excuses for his feelings and gives the impression he won't leave untill he's happy he has someone new to go to.

In today's world of "common law", there's not much difference bewteen living together or marriage. We can take a romantic view of it yes, but legally, its just a bit of paper that says you are man and wife. The same respect and honour should be shown to a partner you have been with long term, as whether its sworn before god or the registry office, if you are living with someone, it is implied that it is an exclusive relationship unless otherwise agreed upon by both parties.

metrovelvet · 25-08-2010 2:35pm

Especially with the cohab bill. You could be paying palimony.

beks101 · 25-08-2010 2:47pm

DORGAN1 wrote: »

So, best advice I can give there is be a man, tell her that you've met/fallen for someone else (no need to tell her you've met the love of your life as most likely, you haven't, and it won't make her feel very good about herself), you can't give her what she wants (house/babies/marriage) and she deserves to find someone else who loves her as she should be loved. m future happen)

I think it's important to put an end to the web of lies as quickly as possible when moving from an affair to starting afresh in an official relationship and that's why I feel uncomfortable with the 'when did you start seeing each other' stuff. I don't want to have to invent fake dates, etc.

My advice to you is, get out of what you are in now. Don't sit around being cowardly for days/weeks/months. There is NO good time to do this so don't sit waiting for one. The time is now. Don't try setting up your next relationship to walk straight into it. Allow things to happen naturally AFTER you have ended what you are in. Your priority needs to be GET OUT.

The chances are high that this girl may not be what you think. She may be incredibly boring and sleep her hours away in the style your ex did. Perhaps you know what she's like already. The grass can seem much greener on the other side. Be aware of these factors. Be prepared to put a lot of work into a relationship. Expect trust issues but understand they can be overcome. It all takes time and slow progress.

I'm sure you know you've done wrong, and I hope you can learn from this and change the way you treat others in future.

I hope this advice can be of some use to you and I wish you the best of luck.

This is the best advice you're going to get OP, because it's coming from someone who has been in a similar situation and has ended up in a healthy relationship.

I think you know deep down that you can't make amends for your behaviour, and so you're trying to justify why not telling your current OP about the younger girl would be the best move for everyone.

Clearly it is not. Not for her and not for you.

Despite the lack of evidence in your post, I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt - going on your username 'ashamed' - and assume that you do feel guilt, shame and remorse for what you've done.

This is going to follow you into your next relationship if you don't come clean on your actions, take responsibility for them and move on with your life. Man up and do the right thing for your current girlfriend, put her first for once, wipe the slate clean and then you can think about slowly rebuilding your life.

Whether or not the younger girl ends up a part of your life then is irrelevant right now.

BettePorter · 25-08-2010 2:47pm

StarryMoon0 wrote: »

I think most posters are just seeing it a different way. It comes across thats he's disrespected his OH by doing this for 6 years and is only looking to leave the relationship now that he thinks he has a sure thing with someone else. Kind of like he'll stick with the OH if he doesn't think him and the other girl can make a go of it.
Most of us are simply responding that he should take responsibility for his actions and leave rather than stay with his OH. He makes excuses for his feelings and gives the impression he won't leave untill he's happy he has someone new to go to.

QUOTE]

At last someone with a civil and practical response ! I never condoned his actions......but he's trying to sort it now, thats why he's here is it not ! He says himself they are in their mid to late 20's.....so say shes 25 and he's 27 and they've been toget for 6 years.......but only living toget for three, they were kids when they got together, just be grateful that there's been no kids since then..........surely he's better doing it now than not doing it at all. you can all abuse him how you like but at least he's already of the opinion that marriage / house /family with this girl are not for him. there are many fellas /girls out there who have gone a lot further in the same situ. at least it looks like this girl will be saved that. and if he does end up with the 2nd girl long term, she knows what she's getting into......he cheated with her, he'll prob cheat on her.

StarryMoon0 · 25-08-2010 3:02pm

BettePorter wrote: »

At last someone with a civil and practical response ! I never condoned his actions......but he's trying to sort it now, thats why he's here is it not ! He says himself they are in their mid to late 20's.....so say shes 25 and he's 27 and they've been toget for 6 years.......but only living toget for three, they were kids when they got together, just be grateful that there's been no kids since then..........surely he's better doing it now than not doing it at all. you can all abuse him how you like but at least he's already of the opinion that marriage / house /family with this girl are not for him. there are many fellas /girls out there who have gone a lot further in the same situ. at least it looks like this girl will be saved that. and if he does end up with the 2nd girl long term, she knows what she's getting into......he cheated with her, he'll prob cheat on her.

Fair enough, I just think the majority of us are not getting the imression that he's trying to sort it. He's not come on here asking how to break it gently, or saying that he's already left and wants to try with the other girl. He's admitting he's being sneaky about it, intends to continue being sneaky about it and appears to want confirmation that his new relationship has a chance BEFORE he makes the decision to leave his current OH.

I think if he had posted saying "i've been disprespectful, I've broken off my reltionship, moved out and am considering a relationship with the woman i had an affair with", he would have gotten a different response.

BettePorter · 25-08-2010 3:17pm

StarryMoon0 wrote: »

Fair enough, I just think the majority of us are not getting the imression that he's trying to sort it. He's not come on here asking how to break it gently, or saying that he's already left and wants to try with the other girl. He's admitting he's being sneaky about it, intends to continue being sneaky about it and appears to want confirmation that his new relationship has a chance BEFORE he makes the decision to leave his current OH.

I think if he had posted saying "i've been disprespectful, I've broken off my reltionship, moved out and am considering a relationship with the woman i had an affair with", he would have gotten a different response.

granted, i agree the title of the thread doesn't inspire confidence in his priorities but i also read from what he says that even if he hasn't the balls to break it off now, events may force his hand. i don't think he'll commit to the gf as regard marriage babies etc and thats a blessing in itself. i guess we'l just have to wait and see......hopefully the op will get back to us and tell us what he plans to do.

trio · 25-08-2010 3:24pm

He's admitting he's being sneaky about it, intends to continue being sneaky about it and appears to want confirmation that his new relationship has a chance BEFORE he makes the decision to leave his current OH.

That's it, isn't it? He just basically wants us to give him the thumbs up.

Well OP, thumbs up from me - because I want you out of your current relationship. And if that means I tell you that Oh yes, it's gonna be the Greatest Love of All Time, then fine.

Leave your poor cuckolded girlfriend who's only crime is not wanting to shag for Ireland, likes a lazy life and wants to settle down with the man she loves. She deserves a hell of a lot better than someone as sneaky and off-putting as you.

You certainly don't love her. To be honest, I doubt you ever were in love with her. You never seemed to have any moral problems with cheating on her - never seemed to connect it to her at all, actually. That disconnect is downright creepy by the way.

So yep, it's gonna be one of the love affairs of the 21st Century! DO IT NOW!

S23 · 25-08-2010 3:57pm

beks101 wrote: »

This is the best advice you're going to get OP, because it's coming from someone who has been in a similar situation and has ended up in a healthy relationship.

I think you know deep down that you can't make amends for your behaviour, and so you're trying to justify why not telling your current OP about the younger girl would be the best move for everyone.

Clearly it is not. Not for her and not for you.

Despite the lack of evidence in your post, I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt - going on your username 'ashamed' - and assume that you do feel guilt, shame and remorse for what you've done.

This is going to follow you into your next relationship if you don't come clean on your actions, take responsibility for them and move on with your life. Man up and do the right thing for your current girlfriend, put her first for once, wipe the slate clean and then you can think about slowly rebuilding your life.

Whether or not the younger girl ends up a part of your life then is irrelevant right now.

I can't agree with that. The post you quoted was from the perspective of a 'girl #2' who thought it was ok to fcuk someone elses partner and has ended up bagging her man in the end. I'm not getting into moral high ground stuff but thats the long and short of where she is coming from

Also the timescale of things are arse over tit. The length of time which the OP has been cheating on his partner with who he lives is a lot longer. The timescale of the affair changes the parameters totally IMO.

Also, she knew the bloke she ended up having sex with while he was in a relationship. The OP only knows Girl #2 in a biblical sense. They have no idea what each other are really like

Dorgan's bloke was only going out with his ex a short time and cheated on her for a much shorter time ,compartively speaking, before breaking up with her. Its really not all that comparable.

Also, they are only a year down the road so, while the poster can maintain its the 'real deal', its yet to see if there is any long term future in the arrangement.

So I really would take that advice with a pinch of salt. It comes from a person who had no problem having sex with someone who was already in a relationship and also used this line in her post
"I would suspect there are many posters here overlooking questionable periods in their own life relationships"

A bit too self righteous for my liking. Nobody is perfect and we all make mistakes but just because you and the OP don't mind being involved in cheating that does not mean that 'many posters here' are of a similar ilk.

OP, be a man for once in your life and break up with the girl. Tell her the truth. Get yourself tested, tell her to go and get tested. Leave her alone and never darken her door again.

After that do whatever you like with your Girl #2. Maybe you will live happily ever after, maybe it will all blow up in your face. Who knows. I'd advise getting yourself sorted out and trying to work out what it is you actually want from women and in life but, based on the content of your post, I doubt you are man enough to face up to that since deception is what you deal in (including self deception) but I really think that would be the best route to go.

25-08-2010 5:31pm

First of all, why are you saying IF you dump the GF? Don't you think the girl deserves better than someone with no morals or sense of empathy leading her on and on while he looks for something better? Are you going to wait until gets harder and harder for her to meet someone else, someone who actually appreciates her and will treat her in the way she deserves?

In response to the question in the title, I will tell you this. If you think you can ever have any type of proper, normal relationship with this 'lady', you're dreaming. From the cold, clinical way you typed your OP, it doesn't sound like you're capable of loving anyone but yourself. You'll get bored with her quickly and find some other young thing to have an affair with. And the whole time, you'll also be wondering who she's f**king on the side. Because if they'll do it with you, they'll do it to you. I've seen this situation unfold many times, and it's always very predictable. At least this new girlfriend will deserve everything she gets. As will you.

Superwhy · 25-08-2010 11:06pm

This post actually makes me feel sick reading it. That there are people out there cheating on and lying to partners they supposedly love with no apparent remorse scares the cr@p out of me!

You absolutely have to finish with your girlfriend straight away and tell her the truth! You say your girlfriend has low self esteem and who can blame her with you as a boyfriend. I think that maybe deep down she knows you are not 100% faithful to her and thats why she doesnt want to have sex with you and that will cause her to be insecure and have low self-esteem.

I think this because i was the girlfriend whose boyfriend cheated. And i knew something was wrong but when i asked he denied and denied that he had ever cheated on me, that it must be in my head which made me feel like a crazy, needy, insecure, worthless person and it was only when he got caught that he admitted he had been cheating on me the whole time. Having been in this situation, i can unequivocally say that the right thing to do is let her go and tell her the truth.
Otherwise she will just blame herself, and if you cared about her at all you would not want her to do that. But honestly i cant see you doing that at all - you have no respect for your girlfriend.

Another thing that bothers me is the fact that your mistress had just turned 17 when you started sleeping with her and IMHO i feel that girls that age can be easily manipulated, sometimes. That makes me think that maybe she is another victim of your selfish personality. You say she has been offered a two year post grad abroad - so let her go!! If you two are meant to be then leave her go and she will come back. Obviously everyone is different but there is no way that ye can 'love' each other when all ye have done is have sex in the car together for the last 6 years? Its ridiculous.

As regards DORGAN1 - again is it just a long rambling self justification thats it ok to have an affair - because it was love!! That is such crap. If you and your boyfriend had real feelings for each other, you would have waited and had respect for his girlfriend and their relationship and waited until it was over before sleeping together. I think you should be ashamed when people ask how you met, and i hope you feel ashamed every single time someone asks for a long long time. Having an affair is a despicable thing to do, you were involved in causing real hurt to another person, who you didnt even know, for your own selfish reasons and that is something to be ashamed of IMO and then to say 'why can't she just move on and leave us alone already!' - because her heart was broken ffs!

I absolutely hate people who cheat and then try to justify it.

LegacyUser · 26-08-2010 12:04am

A lot of you people really need to get out of your bedrooms, step away from your computers and experience real life.

People cheat. It's a fact of life. It may not be nice but it happens.

I think most of you are completely disillusioned about just how many people cheat. Men in relationships in particular.

I have no doubt that 95% of the people who responded here from their high horses have or are currently being cheated on, maybe it was just a one night stand, maybe it's a long term thing. You won't ever accept it, but it's the truth. All normal men who associate with other men in bars, or go on business trips away know this. We've all experienced it first hand. But because of attacks like those made on the OP in this thread, you'll never hear about it, no-one will ever come forward and be open about it for fear of being lynched.

I have no doubt some of you have messed up in your own relationships too, be it for a drunken one night stand or an unplanned kiss in a club.

Nobody is perfect.

If you're that blind and naive to what goes on in the real world, you've got some rough and painful times ahead.

OP, I commend you for considering to get out of a relationship at this point rather than doing like most men and going along with the marriage and kids because it's easier than getting out. I don't believe you will cheat on the one you love. If you cheat, you don't love the person enough to care about their feelings or the damage you could cause.

I think it should be obvious to you at this point that the best thing you can do is end the relationship. No point reading any of the other posts here (bar two posters who have experience of this sort of situation) as everyone is playing Judge here and supposedly speaking with absolutely no experience of such a problem.

Can an affair become the real deal? (VERY long post, sorry!)

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