Where am I going wrong?

LegacyUser

Ok I'm probably going to get ripped to shreds for some of this but here goes...

I'm 27 and single, which would be fine if I knew I was able to have a relationship but I've never had a proper relationship in my life and to tell the truth I'm so worried about it. The longest 'relationship' I've been in is 3 months and I've had a few shorter ones - around 1-2 months.

I just wish I knew where I was going wrong. I honestly don't know what I'm doing to be in this situation. This is going to sound big headed but on paper I seem to be what a lot of guys look for - I'm a nice person, I'm friendly, I'm not one of those girls that is a b*tch to guys on nights out when they try to chat to me, I'll always give them the time of day even if I'm not that interested. I've got plenty of friends, and I mean proper friends - the type who'll I'll be friends with forever, they are like my sisters. I love socialising, I go out most weekends. Aside from that I have lots of other interests too. I come from a good family, I'm an only child and have fantastic parents. Even though I have no siblings I'm very close to my extended family. I have found a career that I love and even though I'm not qualified yet I'll be finished next year. I'm well educated and well travelled. I have a very fulfilling life with amazing family and friends and I get on with people. On top of this I get tons of complements on my looks (I'm so sorry if this sounds full of myself but I'm going to go on what other people have said). I'm a size ten, I eat well, dress well, wear nice makeup and I look after myself. I also adore sex and find that I have a higher sex drive than the guys I have dated (and I also want to point out that I haven't been around - I've only slept with a few people) and I've been told I'm great in bed, a great kisser etc.

Again I'm sorry to come across as full of myself but I'm just trying to illustrate my point. I seem to have everything guys say they want yet its not enough.

When I was starting college when I was 18 I assumed that having a relationship was something that just happened. It happened for most of my friends during their college years but I seemed unable to get past a kiss or a few dates. Since college its been slightly better but like I said my relationship experience is pretty minimal. I think confidence with guys is a bit of an issue - mainly because the longer I'm single, the worse I feel about it, so that as the years have passed it's ebbed away quite a bit.

Now I'm 27 and many of my friends are starting to get married and settle down. Every one of my friends, family and even friends of friends don't get why I'm single. It's getting annoying at this stage at family occasions when I have to answer questions from my grand aunts about when I'm getting married!

I'm beginning to think that there is something fundamentally wrong with me that I can't form a proper relationship with a guy. But then surely I should be able to given that I have strong solid friendships in my life?

I know I can't be told on this what I'm actually doing wrong cos no one can tell me unless they meet me! But I just feel like what else can I do to make myself seem like a catch for a guy? What exactly do guys want in a girl?

And what would be a good way to find out what I am doing wrong? I've thought about visiting a counsellor or therapist for answers but I wouldn't know where to get a good one..

coolcat63

Simple answer; you haven't found the right person yet, I know it's a cliche but it's true.

From your post you sound wonderful (hell, if I was gay and 20 years younger I'd fancy you!) but you don't mention anything about what you want, only what you are. Love and and relationships isn't about a list of criteria, it's about feelings and emotion and closeness and lust and partnership. You may find just one person in your life that ticks all those boxes, you many have several over your lifetime but please don't try to force yourself into a relationship just because it's something you should do, or because everyone else is doing it.

Be brave, relax and keep an open mind.

Maguined

There is no point worrying if you are doing anything wrong, just because you have not had a long term boyfriend does not mean you are doing something wrong but that you were just not compatible with those particular men.

Out of curiosity would you approach a man you liked or do you want for them to initiate with you? If you are waiting you could be reducing your chances, there are plenty of times men would see a woman they liked but are too nervous to make the first move, going for it yourself will increase your chances of finding a guy you like and likes you. If you are already doing this then I would not worry as its probably only a matter of time, if you really wanted to increase your chances of meeting a guy then just take up a sport or hobby that has a good mix of men in it to increase your pool of potential men you interact with.

Oryx

Have any of the guys youve seen briefly ever had you smitten? Your post sounds like youre going through the motions of finding a guy for the sake of it, not because you really fancy the pants off him. So Im curious how youve felt about your previous boyfriends, and whether thats the reason a relationship never got off the ground?

jessiejam

In fairness OP you do seem to tick all the right boxes but one thing that stood out to me is the fact that you are giving out this aura to men of being too available. Or for want of a better word, on the prowl!

I think most guys like a challenge, and if its to easy to get they loose interest fairly quickly.

One of my best friends is exactly like you, the nicest girl you could ever meet bla bla, but no guy ever seems interested for more than a couple of weeks, hell, if i was a guy I would ask her out!:o
She stands there with her drink or dances always keeping one eye on who might be checking her out. Fellas see this and more often than not she meets some bloke at 2am, cause they knew they could have her from the start, they probably wait till there is no other options!

I think fellas prefer a girl that just relaxes, that can be themselves and enjoy themselves.

Stop looking for it and it will find you when you least expect it.

LegacyUser

Oryx wrote: »

Have any of the guys youve seen briefly ever had you smitten? Your post sounds like youre going through the motions of finding a guy for the sake of it, not because you really fancy the pants off him. So Im curious how youve felt about your previous boyfriends, and whether thats the reason a relationship never got off the ground?

Tbh I've never been that smitten with a guy I've dated. The last guy I went out with was grand and everything but I just liked having the company and the sex. But I'm happy with that in all honesty - I don't expect fireworks.

In fairness OP you do seem to tick all the right boxes but one thing that stood out to me is the fact that you are giving out this aura to men of being too available. Or for want of a better word, on the prowl!

I don't think I'm one of those girls that comes across as desperate - for instance I was out the other night and was chatted up by 3 guys. I wasn't that interested but was more than willing to chat to them for a bit - after all they made the effort to come over which is hard to do. If I am seeing someone, yes I admit I make myself available to them, because I am!! I hate playing games and pretending to be unavailable. I try to meet guys half way in terms of texting and suggesting stuff to do. But guys seem to complain if girls are like that - and then they complain when they play games too! It's like I can't win!

Out of curiosity would you approach a man you liked or do you want for them to initiate with you? If you are waiting you could be reducing your chances, there are plenty of times men would see a woman they liked but are too nervous to make the first move

No I generally never approach a man I like - the reason being is I don't want to appear desperate or too available! Despite what people say and despite it being the 21st century most guys consider it weird if a girl is that forward.

So one poster says to approach I guy I like and then another says don't be too available! Like I said before I can't win!!

Maguined

There is a difference between being too available and approaching a guy, it is all in how you do it, not the fact it is being done. A woman can approach a guy and as long as she is relaxed and she will come across as confident and I doubt many blokes would consider it off putting, many of these threads crop up and generally the majority of men say they would like a woman to approach them.

Being too available sounds like you are trying to get with a man for the sake of being with any man rather than liking that man in particular, I am not saying this is necessarily what you are doing but just saying there is a difference, you can approach men without being too available it just comes down to mindset. At the moment you think approaching men is something weird and so you would be nervous doing it, you have to not worry about it, you don't lose anything if you walk up and talk to a man showing interest in him, the worst that can happen is that he is not interested which is the same result if you never walked up to him, but approaching men will increase your odds of finding one you like rather than waiting for them to approach you.

LegacyUser

Where am I going wrong? wrote: »

I seem to have everything guys say they want yet its not enough.


I'm beginning to think that there is something fundamentally wrong with me that I can't form a proper relationship with a guy.
But I just feel like what else can I do to make myself seem like a catch for a guy? What exactly do guys want in a girl?

And what would be a good way to find out what I am doing wrong? .

You're doing nothing wrong. Meeting someone is partly down to luck ie you and he must both want the same thing at the same time. For example, if you want a relationship, but he doesn't, that's not necessarily a reflection on you. Maybe he's not ready for a relationship. So quit thinking you're doing something wrong.

I picked out the quotes above because it gives me the impression that you're desperate to meet a man, regardless of what he's like. Why do you want to make yourself into a catch for a guy you haven't even met yet?? That doesn't make sense.
Stop wasting your time looking for something that is partly down to luck anyway. You might go to hundreds of places JUST TO MEET MEN, but unfortunately maybe the men there will all be attached or not interested in relationships. A total waste of your time and optimism. Instead, go out and meet lots of different people, ENJOY WHAT YOU'RE DOING(whether it's sporty/creative etc) and if you don't meet someone, it won't make any difference because you'll be doing something you love.

Never, never, never go to a place JUST TO MEET MEN. It's soul destroying, and will have you needlessly thinking that there's something wrong with you. THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU!!!!!!


Excuse the shouting : )

Good luck

LegacyUser

OP,

How did you feel when you were in a relationship? What are you expecting from a relationship? What happened in your last relationship ie what was missing for you?

You sound like you have your head on your shoulders and are happy with life so i wouldnt be too worried about it, just enjoy yourself. Anything that happens will happen naturally and not by you changing who you are.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the advice.

unregistered wrote: »

Why do you want to make yourself into a catch for a guy you haven't even met yet??


Never, never, never go to a place JUST TO MEET MEN.

It's not really about making myself a catch for a guy I haven't met yet, rather I'm just worried I need to change something about myself because there seems to be something fundamentally flawed in me that keeps guys in general away. And tbh I never go out just to meet men - I go out with my friends to have fun with them and if I meet new people that's a bonus.

How did you feel when you were in a relationship? What are you expecting from a relationship? What happened in your last relationship ie what was missing for you?

I was happy that I was with someone even though I only thought he was ok. I like having company, going out for dinner/cinema, staying in to cook and having lots of sex! The thing that was missing was real emotional intimacy - we were together for 3 months but there was lots of things we never talked about. For eg my father passed away years ago and it never once came up in conversation which was very weird.

LegacyUser

Where am I going wrong? wrote: »

The thing that was missing was real emotional intimacy - we were together for 3 months but there was lots of things we never talked about. For eg my father passed away years ago and it never once came up in conversation which was very weird.

Sometimes things like that just dont come up for a while. For me opening up to someone is about trust and comfort. When you get past the initial stages of a relationship that will happen but dont force it. Just to reiterate, you are doing nothing wrong as it is. Dont ever doubt yourself, you sound like a wonderful person. I know its a cliche but it will happen for you when it happens

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I have no real advice for you, just to say that you're not alone - there are hundreds of us eternal singletons out there!

I'd be the same as you - great on paper, a different story in practice as I just don't get the chance to practice...men don't approach unless drunk, don't ask me out, don't pursue when we do end up hooking up...yada yada ya.

I'm a 25 year old female, friendly, intelligent, ambitious, really interesting job, fantastic friends, well liked by most people and attractive - basing this on the feedback I get from other people. I've no problem attracting men or hooking up...it just always ends before it even starts.

I don't consider myself to be deficient in any way, I'm well rounded, have a great personality, am well educated, smart and all the rest, but I just don't seem to be able to get my head around relationships with the opposite sex. It just doesn't happen for me.

However I'm not here to hijack...I've thought a lot about my terminally single status over the years, and gotten a little bit sick of the 'you'll-meet-him-when-you-least-expect-it' brigade (I never expect it, and never meet him!!) and a few things I've realised about myself that may apply to you:

- My self esteem is in the toilet when it comes to my looks and this is a major block to allowing someone into my life. I'm a pretty girl and quite fit, but have suffered with food and weight issues over the years and have still not learned to accept myself the way I am. I'd imagine this is a huge factor that's preventing me from opening up to someone.

- I love my own company, I love my me-time and I resent anyone infringing on it. This coupled with the fact that I work long hours, means that I only really have time for my friends (predominantly female) and my hobbies (gym, walking, reading....done alone). In short, I haven't made room in my life for a relationship so if someone did come along, I'd probably let them slip away fairly easily.

- I'm not proactive about it. Like you, I'd have a major problem asking a guy out. In fact, I even have a major problem letting a guy know I'm interested and most of the time I get tongue-tied and avoid even being in his company.

So to summarise, I'm a hopeless case!!

Nah what I'm saying is, for me, I know that things can't change until I 1. most importantly, start to work on my self confidence, and 2. start to compromise on some things so that there's room for a relationship in my life. Maybe a few of these things apply to you too.

Being long-term single can suck big-time, but with it comes a series of comforts that you sort of get used to and I find you don't tend to part with these comforts that easily. It's comfortable to wait for the approach instead of instigating it; it's comfortable to do your own thing without having to consider a second party; it's comfortable to not make compromises for someone else.

I'm still single and still not entirely happy about my situation, but in my case I know that I'm not ready for a relationship and understand that when I sort out my confidence issues, the right person for me will eventually come along.

My advice to you would be to take a good hard look at yourself and your life, be brutally honest with yourself and try to identify barriers to relationships that you may have erected.

Best of look and remember, any man would be lucky to have you but you're OK with or without him!! x

freakmagnet

Why do you want a relationship though? Have you ever thought that your true choice is maybe not wanting one... and maybe you want one to stop awkward questions from relatives/friends...? Is it the status of 'in a relaionship' that you want (many do)? Or maye not having one is deemed as failing at something in your mind...? Being in a relationship isn't what human neccessarily have to do, despite all the relationship pressure that abounds form media, family, friends etc...

LegacyUser

Where am I going wrong? wrote: »

It's not really about making myself a catch for a guy I haven't met yet, rather I'm just worried I need to change something about myself because there seems to be something fundamentally flawed in me that keeps guys in general away. And tbh I never go out just to meet men - I go out with my friends to have fun with them and if I meet new people that's a bonus.

Ok well the reason I mentioned the 'just to meet men' thing is because it's something I used to do, and it's only when I went out (or joined clubs/sports etc) without any intention whatsoever of meeting men, that things fell into place for me and I became far more confident in myself.

Maybe the fact you want to change yourself and you think you are flawed is giving out a vibe? We're all flawed. I'm definitely flawed, but that doesn't mean I want to change myself. The flaws are part of who I am (ie impatience, forgetful etc), and I've come to accept them (although I do try to keep them to a minimum, I don't expect other people to be saints!!). Meeting someone else who accepts those flaws is an amazing bonus, and is partly down to luck. I will never again think that I need to better/change myself just to meet a man.

Accept who you are. As long as you're not going around killing people on sight, there really is no need to be changing anything.

I also agree with the poster who said that maybe you don't have room in your life for a relationship at the moment. There's nothing wrong with that either. It's your life, you have to live it how you choose.

Zen65

Where am I going wrong? wrote: »

On top of this I get tons of complements on my looks (I'm so sorry if this sounds full of myself but I'm going to go on what other people have said). I'm a size ten, I eat well, dress well, wear nice makeup and I look after myself.

Oddly enough this can be very intimidating for a lot of men. If you look too good men may simply assume that you already have a 6'8" rugby-playing hunk of a bf.

So use that confidence, and play the game on equal terms. If you see somebody that you think you might like, go chat to them. It's not guaranteed to work, but on average it doubles your chances.

Be at peace,

Z

(PS: It's also possible that you smell bad, or have an irritating voice, but I'm just trying to interpret what you have said in your OP)

thebeertalking

I think Zen summed it up nicely there (not the smelly/irritating bit).
You're probably just so content/satisfied in almost all aspects of your life, that you don't even realise it. I'm 26 and am nowhere as happy/settled as yourself.
Enjoy being yourself for now. The more you long for someone, the less likely they are to appear.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for the advice and it's nice to know I'm not alone.

freakmagnet wrote: »

Why do you want a relationship though? Have you ever thought that your true choice is maybe not wanting one... and maybe you want one to stop awkward questions from relatives/friends...? Is it the status of 'in a relaionship' that you want (many do)? Or maye not having one is deemed as failing at something in your mind...? Being in a relationship isn't what human neccessarily have to do, despite all the relationship pressure that abounds form media, family, friends etc...

Yeah you've totally got a point! I kind of do want to be in a relationship to have that status but I think that's true of a lot of people.

I want to be with someone so I can feel like I'm not a freak. Because everyone is surprised when I say I'm single. And that I'm permanently single. You can see people thinking when they hear that - 'oh well she's attractive, comes across as nice blah blah blah, well whats putting men off?' I cringe when people ask 'but WHY are you single?' I feel like slapping them!!