Ex wife & 3 kids, would it be worth the chance?

LegacyUser

I've just met a lovely bloke, my own age (mid thirties) He's funny, increadibly sexy, copped-on, clever, compassionate, down-to-earth - just of all the attributes you'd look for in a man, he's got them all. Happy days you might think, but the problem's in the title - he's seperated barely a year and his ex wife is someone I could see being a BIG problem.

They've got three young kids, all between the ages of two and six, and she just seems to spend all her time screaming down the phone at him. He's a great dad, very involved with the kids, provides well for them and all the rest of that. She trashed the marriage (she had an affair) so what she's got to be screaming about is beyond me.

This bloke flirts like mad every time he sees me, so much so that other's have begun commenting that he's got a serious thing for me. I'd love to give it a go, I've been single for a while, and like I said he ticks all my boxes, it all looks very rosy and promising except for this demanding screetching ex wife. Because the kids are as young as they are, their mothers drama would be something I'd have no choice but to get used to, and I'm not into drama, especially not other peoples. I reckon in the long term her attitude and behaviour would just really piss me off... BUT he is something special, he really is. I can't even concentrate half the time when I'm talking to him with the thoughts I do be having! Lol. I fancy him every bit as much as he fancies me, I'm just better at hiding it. So what do you think? Would it be worth the chance???

LegacyUser

Hi OP

Only advice i can give you is do you think he's worth the years of stress and hassle??

If the answer is yes be prepared for hell, you already say his ex is crazy and that will NEVER go away. If you think you can cope with a third person always in your relationship and kids being used or hating you because you have their dad, then go for it!

I only say this because i met someone who i believe is my perfect match. He has two children and also a crazy ex. Truth is he is definately worth it but you have to wonder sometimes if it would have better to run as fast as you can!

we have coped through years of stress, lies , hate and it never seems to get better. I'm just thankful i have my husband .

As i see it it's not his fault he has this going on and he also deserves the chance to be happy. This is the only reason i cope with what i do.

LegacyUser

similiar situation wrote: »

If you think you can cope with a third person always in your relationship and kids being used or hating you because you have their dad, then go for it!

..we have coped through years of stress, lies , hate and it never seems to get better.

These are exactly the type of issues I'd be worried about Similar Situation, and no, I really don't think I'd want to live my life like that. Jesus, surely life is just too short for that kind of crap?!

Having said that, I've no way of knowing for sure what way things would go and maybe I am just making negative assumptions as to how her attitude would affect my life? (or is that naieve of me??!)

jessiejam

Have you asked him why shes so mad at him? 3 kids under 6 isn't easy.

Are you sure that it was her that had the affair, one year after her youngest child was born. And not him? if so why did he leave and not her?

I know that in my house anyway the adulterer would be the one asked to leave the family home.

Tbh i think he's too perfect. And i think there is more to the story than he is letting on.

If you are serious about him and all of the above is not the case, I would give it a go, the kids are young enough to not be too put out that there is another woman on the scene, if and when he decides to let you meet them.

I do hope he is everything he is letting you believe he is though
good luck

Cheap Thrills!

isitworthdchance wrote: »

I've just met a lovely bloke, my own age (mid thirties) He's funny, increadibly sexy, copped-on, clever, compassionate, down-to-earth - just of all the attributes you'd look for in a man, he's got them all. Happy days you might think, but the problem's in the title - he's seperated barely a year and his ex wife is someone I could see being a BIG problem.

They've got three young kids, all between the ages of two and six, and she just seems to spend all her time screaming down the phone at him.

Listen she could be an unreasonable loony but very possibly and more probably she could be struggling alone with the three kids. That is enough to send anyone mental, despite the fact he is 'very involved' and 'provides well' yada yada

isitworthdchance wrote: »

He's a great dad, very involved with the kids, provides well for them and all the rest of that. She trashed the marriage (she had an affair) so what she's got to be screaming about is beyond me.

Hmph, that's exactly it, you don't know what she has to be screaming about. Also remember what he's told you is unlikely to be the full, unadulterated truth. People will always paint the ex as a nutter. Always.

What he's told you? Do you know the actual circumstances from an objective POV? No, people will always paint themselves as the saint in a break up. You don't know what went on, dont take his word for anything.

isitworthdchance wrote: »

This bloke flirts like mad every time he sees me, so much so that other's have begun commenting that he's got a serious thing for me. I'd love to give it a go, I've been single for a while, and like I said he ticks all my boxes, it all looks very rosy and promising except for this demanding screetching ex wife. Because the kids are as young as they are, their mothers drama would be something I'd have no choice but to get used to, and I'm not into drama, especially not other peoples. I reckon in the long term her attitude and behaviour would just really piss me off... BUT he is something special, he really is. I can't even concentrate half the time when I'm talking to him with the thoughts I do be having! Lol. I fancy him every bit as much as he fancies me, I'm just better at hiding it. So what do you think? Would it be worth the chance???

No. Way. RUN. He sounds sexy alright and his flirting is making you feel special and different. But if he is able to turn on the flirtation with you realise he can do that with anyone.

You'd be stuck with all the BS and stepmother crap and then he'll lose interest and move on to someone else. I know it's hard to find men without baggage in your 30's but this is really going to end in tears. YOURS. Unless you can keep it to a FB relationship with no feelings.

How Strange

Op I'd be urging caution with regards to starting a relationship with a separated married man who has 3 very young kids. Also before you fall hook
line and sinker for the crazy ex wife story bear in mind you've heard one side from someone who has a vested interest in painting himself as the wounded good guy.

In my experience life is rarely so clear cut and simple. Marriage breakdown is never clean, fair or amicable especially at the beginning when kids are involved.

Also if you're bases in Ireland they are only separated and won't be divorced for a few years. Either way if this did develop into a relationship you'd have to find a way to interact with the ex wife as she will be a part of your lives whether you like it or not.

Have you considered that the woman is at the end of her tether trying to raise 3 young kids?

LegacyUser

Just to address some of the queries raised: She's not struggling (financially anyway) and she's not alone (she's since moved her lover into the family home)

90% of the information I've been told has not come from him. It's come from people who know him far better for far longer than I do. The only information I'm getting is from an objective POV. That's why I'd be inclined to believe it.

I've scarcely discussed his personal circumstances with him. I don't feel it's my place to be asking him nosy questions about his marriage breakdown, I only just met the bloke a couple of months ago and nothing remotely intimate has happened between us yet. I just run into him fairly regularly and when I do the chemistry is unmistakable, so what I wanted to do with this thread was get some opinions before I decided whether to let that develop into something or not.

As to "then he'll lose interest and move on to someone else", that's not his MO, it's hers.

seamus

How Strange wrote: »

Also before you fall hook line and sinker for the crazy ex wife story bear in mind you've heard one side from someone who has a vested interest in painting himself as the wounded good guy.

+1

jessiejam wrote: »

Are you sure that it was her that had the affair, one year after her youngest child was born. And not him? if so why did he leave and not her?

I know that in my house anyway the adulterer would be the one asked to leave the family home.

That works fine until children are involved. Under Irish law, the mother is the de facto primary carer and gets custody of the children in the event of marital breakdown. For the father to get sole custody, he would have to show that the mother was incapable of caring for her children; a next to impossible thing to do. Therefore, the father's options are:

1. Ask his wife and children to leave his home
2. Live in a house with a woman he no longer loves
3. Leave

In the case of 1., children (and by extension their primary carer) will never be forced to leave the family home, so if the mother refuses to leave, there's absolutely nothing the father can do about it.

So I don't doubt the OP's story for a second. Often cheaters do become somewhat bitter and resentful about being found out; People are often unwilling to accept their own wrong and blame others for their actions. A neighbour of mine lived with a girl who he later found out had been having an affair, and as soon as he ended the relationship she turned into a thundering unreasonable bitch.

jessiejam

I'm not talking about the legalities of it all (different subject altogether)
I'm talking about the moral aspect of it

If I had an affair and had 3 kids, what justification would I have in asking my husband to leave the family home?
Why should he?
I was in the wrong.

Number 4 in your list above should have been, ask the wife to leave and leave the kids with the father.

We don't know the in's and out's and all the nitty gritty details.
I doubt the OP does either

LegacyUser

jessiejam wrote: »

If I had an affair and had 3 kids, what justification would I have in asking my husband to leave the family home?
Why should he?
I was in the wrong.

She didn't ask him to leave from what I'm told JessieJam. He found out what was going on and left on his own steam. She erupted after that. Sounds like she wanted to have her cake and eat it.

I agree with your moral take on this but it is legalities a man in this situation is faced with, not morals.

jessiejam

Why didn't he ask her to leave OP? She was the one at fault here.

I just think that you should know all of this before getting too involved, to save you getting hurt i suppose.

LegacyUser

I guess that's one of those details I could only get from him JessieJam and I wouldn't be comfortable asking him that at this point. I'm guessing that most men who make his decision are thinking of disrupting their kids home-life and schooling to the minimum possible extent.

jessiejam

couldn't he have stayed with the kids though? And asked her to move out with her lover.
I mean she was unfaithful, he left, she moved her lover in. WTF???

Isn't that disruptive to the kids more than him telling her to leave, keeping the routine going but just without your one in the home.

I'm not saying its an ideal situation for any of you
Its tough on you to be with him and everytime she gets stressed she rings him on the phone ruining your night

Unfortunately, baggage always has its problems. Its up to you whether this guy is worth it or not, no one here can answer that for you

I do wish you the best of luck with him.

LegacyUser

Well I'm not dealing with that situation yet JessieJam and am hoping to avoid it!

As to his telling her to move out, as myself and another poster have pointed out, a man in these circumstances unfortunately does not have the legal right to tell his wife to leave.

Distorted

I wouldn't get involved with him because he has a wife that is mad at him with 3 kids. You don't for certain why the wife is mad at him, how much she has gone through with him through the years and if the affair is (a) real and (b) even in response to his doing the same over the years. What you do know for certain is that he can't keep the unpleasantness over his CURRENT WIFE to himself and he can't have been that upset because he is flirting with you shortly after his current wife has had a baby. Their third.

All of that would indicate to me, no matter what he says and how bad his wife may have been, that he isn't a stayer, is disloyal, doesn't work at things and is shallow. And if he is flirty in response to a marriage breakdown, he is probably flirty with other women as well - that might just be the reason his marriage broke down.

Even if his wife is a truly awful person, it was his choice to marry her and have 3 children with her, and his bad judgement alone would put me off him.

I would just go for a younger man, without the baggage instead.

StarryMoon0

I'd say the chances of her leaving the house and leavingthe kids with him were pretty slim. Lets face it, if she was the type to be like that, she'd not likely have cheated inthe first place.
I know several people who have gone through similar.. the woman cheated, the man found out, got pretty mad and stomped out (and rightfully so), once things cooled down the man realises, but its too late. Very few women I know would say "ok, sure, you keep the kids and stay in the house".
Yes, he could go through court ect, but it takes a long time and at the end it doesn't usually matter. The woman gets the kids.
If he physically went in and took the children, he'd likely be charged ith kidnapping.

It sounds like the OP is just testing the water. They've never had a proper conversation about it, and why would they if they still in the "flirting at the water cooler" stage?

If it was me, I'd proceed with caution. Go for a friendly dinner, if you both feel the same, just lay your cards on the table. If he doesn't appreciate your honesty, and won't tell you his exact situation, then you know you don't want to go there.

Would you be his first relationship after the breakup of the marriage? I think my concern would be that he's not ready for something serious? You don't want to be the rebound relationship if your really really like him...

herya

he does sound too good o be true on the family front TBH. I don't think such clear cut situations are very common and it's easy to paint himself as Mr Perfect while the wife has three kids to take care of. Did he even try to take them over? It's her who betrayed him but he still left the kids behind too.

I'd proceed with a lot of caution - you sound as if you're looking for a proper relationship not just a quick romp.

Gyalist

One wonders what the advice would be if the genders were reversed and the OP were a 30-something single male contemplating a relationship with a separated woman with 3 children. Would the women proffering advice in this thread be so sanctimonious and judgmental? I doubt it.

OP, the issues between this man and his ex-wife are for them to sort out. Also, I fear that you may be over-thinking the situation as the man has only been flirting with you - he hasn't asked you out on a date yet. If that were to happen then it would be up to you to perform your due diligence and find out if he really is as you seem to think, then decide if you want to pursue a relationship with him.

metrovelvet

I think if you start something up with someone who is only a year separated from three young kids and an angry wife, you are really naive.

I would be very wary of hearsay and gossip btw. The fact is no one knows what goes on behind closed doors.

If you are worried about the angry ex, it is only a year after the split up. You don't know if she's not happy with the child support or the custody arrangements, or the kids are upset, or whatever. It takes way more than a year for the dust to settle.

At the same time, get some perspective, it's just flirting. He hasn't asked you out or anything.

LegacyUser

OP
The story seems very similiar to mine, only thing was he never married his ex.

His ex also cheated on him and made his life hell ever since. They have been split over 7 years , we are only together 4 but the hassle has never stopped.

Endless court cases over seeing the kids, silly games being played etc etc.

To all other posters who seem very quick to damn this man, my husband has offered on numerous occasions to take the kids, he helps out with as much as possible,and takes them almost 50/50 over a year.

Just because he has been a victim does not mean there is more to the story, i should know we have been together 4 years and had no problems.

OP this may well be a life changing choice and not an easy one to walk away from if you bond with the children, maybe try keeping things just you and him for a while and see how things go without getting too serious.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for your advice.

Starrymoon0, yes I think proceeding with caution is the way to go, and no, if we got together I wouldn't be his first relationship since the breakdown of his marriage. He had a bit of a thing with a woman that ended recently, I got the impression that it wasn't very serious, which doesn't surprise me in the circumstances.

And Metrovelvet, I've got plenty of perspective. Yes he hasn't asked me out yet, but I haven't asked him out yet either; doesn't mean I wouldn't like to.

Distorted

isitworthdchance wrote: »

if we got together I wouldn't be his first relationship since the breakdown of his marriage. He had a bit of a thing with a woman that ended recently, I got the impression that it wasn't very serious

Somehow, that doesn't surprise me about this man either...

Maguined

So his wife cheats on him and the man in question should remain faithful to her even when she has moved her lover into the family home?

I honestly don't see why so many people are willing to insinuate the husband is somehow at fault in this situation or that he is not telling the truth as he is too good to be true. The wife was never going to realistically leave the home, as the mother of the child she will automatically gain custody in the case of a divorce, also maybe as a father he loves his children and does not want to punish them for their mothers mistakes by making them move home, it is easy for them to accept their father does not live in the same home as them anymore than have them completely move home themselves.

trio

OP, if he asks you out then say yes - BUT go slow. This is not someone you want to be getting serious about too fast.

He may very well run a mile, tbh. Why on earth would he be looking for a long-term relationship at this point? Only seperated a year and with all his drama? He's had a fling already - that suited him, as you say.

Be aware that people who are really only ready for a fling flirt in exactly the same way as he's flirting with you right now.

You seem to want a boyfriend. I'm not at all sure he wants a girlfriend. That's what would worry me more than the ex-wife and kids drama.

You're worrying about what will happen down the line. You're not even considering at this stage that however much he fancies you, he may have no "down the line" in his head at all! He may be looking for a fun time, not a long time. I wouldn't blame him. But you could get very disappointed if you think "Yeah, but I'm different, I just know it by the way he is with me". No, no you don't.

Just be careful. And have a think about whether you would still be as interested if he really was only interested in a coupla-months kinda thing. It really might not be worth it at all.

LegacyUser

I have to say that I can understand the reluctance but sometimes these things work out!

I met my partner 10 years ago he was separated 9 months at the time and when we first met he told me he was recently separated and not looking for anything serious
He had 4 kids and an ex wife who had had numerous affairs and he had tried to work things out between them and failed
He left their house for the sake of his sanity because at the end she was bringing guys home to the house while he was at home babysitting!!

Moving along... we met in October we got on really well and by Christmas I was pregnant!!
(OOPS)

He freaked out at first which is understandable but when I made it clear that I wasn't trying to trap him and wasn't looking for his money or anything from him if he calmed down and we continued dating
After 5 years we moved in together and now have 2 lovely kids and are very happy

Over the last 10 years he has attended communions, confirmations and other kid related events with his ex and 4 kids up the country I do not attend these with him as his ex wife is a BITCH to put it mildly
His kids have stayed in our house when they have been down here (turning our house into a zoo) and I get on fine with them because I do not act as a step mother I am their father's partner nothing more nothing less

My partner filed for divorce in March and that is where the fun really started!

The ex wife got the house 100% free and clear with a 15k mortgage outstanding as part of their separation agreement 10 years ago
She has never once complied with the access terms set down by the courts in relation to the kids which breaks his heart

She is now looking for 50% of my OH's pension, and assets
Now this is where things get interesting....

Our house is in my name 100% I applied for the mortgage and all the bills are in my name
My OH's car gave up the ghost about 2 months ago and I helped him financially to replace it (we both have good jobs but I have about €5000 per month more disposal income )

So he went from driving a 03 Corolla to a 09 Passat which he wouldn't have been able to afford without a helping hand from me
When he saw his kids 2 months ago he had to borrow my car as his was off the road
I drive a 2009 BMW not as a status symbol but because my clients would be worried if I turned up in a clapped out starlet

Last month he went up in the Passat

His ex wife is now convinced that he has been lying on his statement of means and wants even more maintenance because he can obviously afford it
She has requested proof of my income because she doesn't believe that I earn as much as I do and things my OH is supporting my lifestyle!
Some women are just total bitches!


Now to answer the OP's question
Yes it can work
IF you are willing to accept that his ex may make his life a misery from time to time but the good times far out weigh the bad as time goes on and the kids get older
You will need to bite your tongue every now and then as well

BUT
If things work out like they did for me you might get one weekend a month of total freedom and if he is a good guy it could be worth all the hassles

Try and see is the best advice I can give!

LegacyUser

the other woman
I have looked into this situation a lot, i don't believe she can have your statement of means! As i have found out i think the household income is added up and divided by exactly half to discount your wages, they are nothing to do with her.

OP it can be a hard road but keep us updated if things develop, like i said before does he really deserve to be single and unhappy forever just because of a previous relationship?

LegacyUser

similair situation wrote: »

the other woman
I have looked into this situation a lot, i don't believe she can have your statement of means! As i have found out i think the household income is added up and divided by exactly half to discount your wages, they are nothing to do with her.

Its ok she was told to take a run & jump
If she wants my end of year accounts for last year she'll have to get a court order for it!
Nosy cow!

According to our solicitor my income is none of her business so she can whinge all she wants no court is going to order me to hand it over and i'm not the type to roll over & die I have every intention of contesting her right to my personal info through the courts
I have stated that I will provide a full copy of my TP&L and Balance Sheet for '08-'09 to the court judge but she is not getting her greedy paws on it!

tinkerbell

The Other Woman wrote: »

His ex wife is now convinced that he has been lying on his statement of means and wants even more maintenance because he can obviously afford it
She has requested proof of my income because she doesn't believe that I earn as much as I do and things my OH is supporting my lifestyle!
Some women are just total bitches!

Holy crap :eek: :eek: I can't believe she wants proof of your income!!! What a cheeky bitch! Well she is not entitled to any proof of your income, it has nothing to do with her. If that was the case, every stranger on the street should be able to go up to another stranger and ask them for a statement of their income, I don't think so! :eek:

Glad to hear you told her to go take a running jump! All she can get is a statement of your OH's income, and that's it - nothing else. After that she can f**k right off!