Mixing love and lust

AnnyHallsal

This is something I've been thinking about, and I was hoping to see some other opinions.

We all know sexual relationships change over time. At the start lust and infatuation can easily go hand in hand. What about a few, say four or so, years in? Do any of you have any wariness about reconciling love and lust? My relationship's very affectionate and lovely. We're very sweet to each other, lovie this, lovie that etc. We still have a very healthy sex life but sometimes I find that switch into..sexytime..a little awkward.

fungun

Im not 100% sure I understand the question, but we have no problem. I think my missus is really beautiful and always think that, even during a bad patch. Obviously there are ups and downs in terms of lust, but its never been a problem for us.

If you find the switch into sexytime as you call it a little awkward, id try to understand why. Some people actually find it difficult to love and lust after the same person, or find sex easier if its not with someone special....might be worth figuring this out about yourself why this is.

AnnyHallsal

Cheers. It's good to know change isn't always for the worse. There seems to be a lot of pessimism around about long term sexual relationships so I was just interested in hearing other people's experiences.

Ickle Magoo

We've been living together/married for over ten years now and while the love side has deepened and matured the lust side hasn't changed at all.

What do you mean by awkwardness? Awkwardness in yourself feeling sexy or feeling sexy with your partner?

AnnyHallsal

That's wonderful. It's nothing to do with him, really. My own self-consciousness. I tend to over think things. But those posts have been inspiring, so thanks.

Ickle Magoo

Perhaps have a look at what's making you self-concious and see if there is anything that can be done to make you feel more confident about yourself, whether that be a new wardrobe, a make over or a concerted effort to hit the gym...I'd let your partner know you are feeling a bit vulnerable and ask that they make an extra effort to keep things loving, romantic and show that they find you sexy as hell as well.

LegacyUser

Loads of people fall into the trap of just getting on with their everyday lives and then sex just becomes part of a routine. I think there are loads of ways to bring intimacy and keep the lust in the relationship. A few times a week, I give my wife a massage. This is very relaxing for her and a big turn on for me. I seriously lust after my wife in a big way 4 years after first getting together. But it does take work. It's important that both parties still make an effort on their appearances, their health, etc in order to retain that attraction that first brought them together. For a girl, this could be shaving her legs, or whatever makes her feel sexy. For a lad, a shower before bed, a bit of aftershave, etc. Even though it may seem a bit like work, it is important to keep that spark as that is what makes the relationship different from all others.

LegacyUser

I can relate to the OP. This has been a big problem with me in all of my relationships. It's nothing to do with keeping myself sexy or feeling attractive. I've had three serious relationships and all of them started out very passionate and sexual. But once proper meaningful love had developed, I found it really hard to keep things sexy. Now what I mean is, I found it more difficult to be "dirty" and uninhibited. I know that seems to be the opposite to how it should be. I read here often of people who have the best sex ever with their long term partners but this is not how it has worked for me. I don't know why. Someone mentioned above, problems with intimacy and sex and I think my problem is something in this region. I'm ashamed to say that this has led to me cheating on previous boyfriends, because somehow I felt I could be more basic with someone else or something. I know how bad it sounds and is but I've never been able to explain it to anyone. I haven't cheated on the guy I'm with now and love him to bits. But our sexlife isn't what it was and I can't see a way of changing it. It's almost as if I'm not comfortable having sex with someone who loves and knows me! It seems more awkward or embarrassing somehow whereas in the beginning it was no holds barred.

Anyway, I'm sorry I can't offer any advice OP. I envy all the poster who can maintain an exciting sex life with their long term partners.

AnnyHallsal

Wow, Icanrelate, you expressed it so much better than I did. It's, exactly as you said, a kind of embarrassment. The odd time I even giggle or laugh. It's good to know that there's someone else who finds it hard to reconcile love and lust.

fungun

is it kind of like you only 'make love' with your husband, but feel you would be more likely to have a 'good ****' with someone you loved less....i.e. you ****ed like this at first, but now your expectations of what you want out of your reln is stability and love and somehow that precludes the other type of sex?

If so i think tbf it is hard to keep the 'raw hard sex' thing going for a long time....but for me having great sex is being able to have a mix of all types of sex; most often prob making love, but sometimes the hard sex.....and sometimes sleepy sex! But if your question refers to a good hard shagathon then tbf that for us is a bit cyclical....sometimes we might go a couple of months with more lovemaking, then maybe a week or 2 of hard shagging, then back again

LegacyUser

I can too relate to the OP and the unregistered lady above. I adore my long term boyfriend but this happens to me from time to time too, it's like I don't know how to let myself go sexually when he knows me inside out. It sounds like a contradiction but the more I know him the less I feel able to let loose and get a bit crazy. It's like I'm shy with him or something which is so stupid, he's seen me naked a million times.

Has anyone felt like this and gotten over it? Why are we more inhibited the more in love we are!!

Zen65

goingunreg wrote: »

Why are we more inhibited the more in love we are!!

Where we know that we will not easily be able to "walk away" from our behaviours (e.g. in a longer term relationship) we behave in increasingly conservative ways. This is true of personal relationships and business relationships; it's human nature.

But if the personal relationship maintains its honesty, if we truly are comfortable talking about our inner wants and desires with our partners, then we can ask for our lust to be satisfied in whatever ways we feel must comfortable. The best relationships keep a space for lust in the bedroom.

Be at peace,

Z

LegacyUser

Zen65 wrote: »

Where we know that we will not easily be able to "walk away" from our behaviours (e.g. in a longer term relationship) we behave in increasingly conservative ways. This is true of personal relationships and business relationships; it's human nature.

But if the personal relationship maintains its honesty, if we truly are comfortable talking about our inner wants and desires with our partners, then we can ask for our lust to be satisfied in whatever ways we feel must comfortable. The best relationships keep a space for lust in the bedroom.

Be at peace,

Z

Hi Zen. This really makes sense. Can you elaborate on your second paragraph and have you any advice on how to achieve this openness?

shellyboo

AnnyHallsal wrote: »

Wow, Icanrelate, you expressed it so much better than I did. It's, exactly as you said, a kind of embarrassment. The odd time I even giggle or laugh. It's good to know that there's someone else who finds it hard to reconcile love and lust.

Nothing wrong with a good giggle I'm with my partner now about 7 months, so nowhere near as long as you, but I'm more stable, happier and more in love than ever before -- and yet the sex is better and filthier than ever before! In my case, the deeper connection allows for *more* freedom in the bedroom, not less. But there's still plenty of giggles and laughing and bedroom mishaps happening... I don't think that ever ends, and I don't think it ever should!

goingunreg wrote: »

It's like I'm shy with him or something which is so stupid, he's seen me naked a million times.

Has anyone felt like this and gotten over it? Why are we more inhibited the more in love we are!!

In my opinion, it's a fear of being judged. It's easy to be wanton and wicked in front of someone you don't care about... you don't care what they think! But when it's a partner you love and value, you don't want them to think you silly or dirty or slutty.

In my experience, what needs to happen to get over this is to create a safe space where you can discuss this sort of thing and try new things out without losing face. If your partner loves you he's not going to think you silly for wanting to try something new, or talk dirty, or role play... nor is he going to be upset that you want to make love instead of be lustful. I've found that a great way to broach these topics (juvenile as it sounds) is by IM or text message. You won't be as embarrassed, and it's MUCH easier than discussing stuff in person.

As you get more comfortable with discussing the dirty stuff online, you'll find it easier in person too.