I try way too hard?

LegacyUser

Hey guys,

I'm a romantic, that's all I'll say. When I find a person I am honestly attracted to I immediately consider marrying them (I'm gay so let's say marrying for now!), having kids, buying a house etc. Basically I'd take a feminised approach (not to get the feminists stirring, but you know what I mean...). I find it difficult to find men I like. I'm not a 'stereotype' gay. I'm big into Irish culture, history, politics... I'm artistic and all that but I wouldn't say I'm camp (nor do I believe there's any weakness in being camp, but find it a personality trait that does get on my nerves as do people who are always put themselves down, incredibly shy people etc.).

Anyway, I'm just out of a relationship and after coming through one hell of an ordeal trying to get out of this crazy anxiety disorder I accumulated after a death in the family. I went to counselling and I'm finally getting back to some sort of normality. I decided to give net dating a chance as I found the gay scene in Dublin as severely difficult to finding men I was interested in. If they were my type (personality wise/ physically) they were apart of some sort of social niche that I wasn't invited to, or they were completely feminine men (not that there is anything wrong with this, just not compatible to me). I finally found a nice guy who online who I met out a few weeks ago (which was random, we just recognised eachother from chatting or whatever)...

It seemed to be going well. He has only recently come out and hasn't ever been in a relationship after dating girls for a few years. I just feel as though he doesn't have enough time for me. When he is at work he will constantly text me, and he will meet me when he can... but it's more of a dating scenario... Where I want to see him everyday, he is happy with once or twice a week... but he says very serious things to me... like "Oh i'll have to meet your mom at some point" or "When we go on holidays together..." or "My friends really like you, that's a major sign" etc. I get a bit too hopeful. This guy is fantastic (seriously) and I'd cut off my right arm to be with him properly, but I just don't get to see enough of him... and I'm getting to that point where when he is out with his straight mates and doesn't text me back after two hours I feel like he's away cheating or just playing the field...

Anyone have any advice?

Thanks,

Jezz

Darlughda

Jezz. Its a bizarre coincidence but I could have written your post.
Except for two things, the kids bit and I'm a straight female.

Now, there will be loads of people who are well sussed into the gay scene who can give you more valuable advice than I can. However the one thing that resonates with me is that you have desires for a real, long term relationship that is based on mutual love. Bloody difficult to negotiate with all the very- rawr- but- not- ready- to- think- seriously- about- that yet men you meet along the way.

Its just not good getting the run around. But the hint of commitment is a real hook to keep you keen. Yes ,I know nobody wants to be seen as demanding or saying why didn't you call me etc., but you have got to draw a line somewhere. Otherwise you will get the disappearing /no contact treatment.

Go through that a couple of times if you have to, its hells bells. After that you will have less tolerance for time wasters and players and be a damn sight more assertive in determining what you will or wont compromise about. But it sucks. Its horrible getting hurt, to state the bleedin obvious!

piotro2

I'm a straight male but in many ways I used to have the same attitude as the OP about women.

The things is that this attitude is actually pretty positive desirable if it is reciprocated but if not it is highly destructive to the individual because it's a breeding ground for jealousy and suspicion.

Since the attitude has negative potentials I knew it was probably unhealthy so I went to work on removing it from my life. What I discovered was that it all stemmed around me valuing myself by the state and strength of the relationship and more specifically my partner. I was highly susceptible to the actions of my partner. If she did not pick up the phone or call back soon I would get sad. If I didn't know where she was for extended periods of time I would get suspicious and fearful etc etc. Now, the sad thing is that I was responsible for putting myself into all these bad feelings. My girlfriend was not doing anything wrong, but my stupid insecurities would play out as crazy thoughts.

What I had to do was center my own worth and my own emotional stability around something positive, and unchanging. So I decided to start looking at myself as someone of character and making my all my decisions based around true and universally accepted principles. Fairness, humility, temperance, prudence, fortitude, justice etc. Once my thoughts started shifting my feelings to be based on how I handle my own life and the decisions and actions I take, I stopped being worries about what my girlfriend was up to because not only was that out of my control, but I knew if she stepped out of line, that I would have the strength to leave her, and know that I would find someone better. I started to feel really good about myself after a few weeks of this sort of thinking and I found I no longer needed to be with my girlfriend as much and I did not fear the future. I had a plan, but the thought did not scare me anymore that it might never come to fruition.

I donno. Hope this helps. I don't think it's the trying to hard bit. I think it's you validating yourself through your partner, this is why you like being with them all the time.

LegacyUser

OP here. Thanks for the input, guys.

First of all, yes. I think you need to be really upfront when it comes to issues like this. I've decided to let it rest for now and to get on with things for me, and if he decides he wants in I'll allow it happen naturally.

Great insight about validation, and I think that's true with me. I'm a bit of a reassurance freak and being in a realtionship makes me feel good about myself, but also it gets to a point where I think I'm with someone for the wrong reasons and end up hurting them... I think I'll work on that the way you have. I also think that I can be on my own, I love being single as well, and I've been single for nearly four months now since my last relationship and loved it (particularly sleeping around... I know... awful person!).

I'll fill you guys in with my progress in my personal growth! Ha! Thanks a million, guys, really appreciated it.