Sharing a prob

StarryMoon0

KarenR1981 wrote: »

Whats up - want to share

Actaully ya, i do want to share.. thanks for asking..having a lot of personal issues that I can't actually discuss with any mates
Hubby and i split for a while, but back together to give it a go. He's in treatment and counselling for sex addiction, and things were pretty bad between us before we split, so no action for months. now, part of his treatment is to abstain for a while , partly to allow him to learn a healthy attitude towards loving sex in a relationship, and partly to learn what true intamany is without mistaking it for sex. I need to learn that as well i guess. To be honest, as I've been hurt so bad and the trust is very very shaky, i don't think i could have sex with him anyways at this time.
So its been about 7 months , and will be several more months at the least.
I've probably had sex maybe 6 times in past 2 years .. sigh .. its not the be all and end all, but dang it, sometimes a girl just has an itch.
ANd I'm not some bashful thing, I can take care of myself, and the lady at Ann Summers was very helpful in her suggestions, but for me, its just not the same...i prefer a partner

Ickle Magoo

Moved this to your own thread so you can get better advice for you and the other thread is left for advice for the OP.

mitsy

Hi StarryMoon, i have to commend both you and your husband for taking the steps you did to try sort this issue out together. I know it doesnt seem like much but for your husband to acknowledge this is a problem and is affecting his relationship with you and to get help with it is a big deal.

You must be going through such a difficult time and it is made so much more difficult because its not a subject you can discuss freely with friends and family. You cant get reassurance from anywhere and you are left with your own thoughts and feelings.

I went through a similar thing however my partner never acknowledged the problem and didnt really care how it affected me until i ended the relationship and ended up in counselling myself cos of the destructive nature of his behaviour.

And then there is the issue of your own sex life and intimacy. Where to begin on that one, in my opinion it is such a complex issue especially for women. As for scratching itches, plenty of toys and a good imagination:)

Anyway i hope you and your husband get through this troubling time and it makes for a better, stronger, fulfilling relationship!!!

Take care of yourself!

KarenR1981

Oh I really feel for you - you have been going through a rough time of it and I too commend you for making another go of it - You must really love him to make it want to work and I completely understand.

I used to have a Rabbit i got in Ann Summers - its was better then the real thing I have to admit - only thing you miss it the intimacy

You know the abstinence is good too - ye can go back to dating and by the time its right to make love it will be really special all over

In the meantime I suggest getting a Rabbit - go for the basic model its the best

Oryx

I need to learn that as well i guess.

Maybe thats why youre finding all this particularly hard.

Intimacy is about being vulnerable, and about being honest. You have to present yourself to another person, totally open. If you are carrying any resentment towards that person, you cant do that, sexually or any other way, which is why you cant bring yourself to sleep with him right now. You both need to work through the aftermath of your breakup before you can take a step back towards true intimacy. Sex now would just distract you from tackling whats wrong.

You need to start looking at this not as him having a problem, which has you deprived of sex, but as a journey you are both taking, where you both learn a new way to deal with each other sexually and intimately. You can come out of this stronger, but only if youre willing to drag up the problems and deal with them. It can be a messy process.

Are you both at a stage yet where you are affectionate in a non sexual way? That can go a long way to scratching the intimacy itch, and there is nothing wrong with using toys to rub out immediate cravings, as long as that doesnt become a distraction either.

StarryMoon0

mitsy wrote: »

Hi StarryMoon, i have to commend both you and your husband for taking the steps you did to try sort this issue out together. I know it doesnt seem like much but for your husband to acknowledge this is a problem and is affecting his relationship with you and to get help with it is a big deal.

You must be going through such a difficult time and it is made so much more difficult because its not a subject you can discuss freely with friends and family. You cant get reassurance from anywhere and you are left with your own thoughts and feelings.

I went through a similar thing however my partner never acknowledged the problem and didnt really care how it affected me until i ended the relationship and ended up in counselling myself cos of the destructive nature of his behaviour.

And then there is the issue of your own sex life and intimacy. Where to begin on that one, in my opinion it is such a complex issue especially for women. As for scratching itches, plenty of toys and a good imagination:)

Anyway i hope you and your husband get through this troubling time and it makes for a better, stronger, fulfilling relationship!!!

Take care of yourself!

Thanks Mitsy.
I do appreciate how big of a thing it is for him to admit this and seek out treatment. Sounds a bit silly maybe, but I am so proud of him. The way I see it, even if the relationship dosen't work in the end, he will be so much happier in himself, and so will I.
Its a shame your partner didn't choose to see it
I too ended up in counselling, still am, and will be there for a bit yet.
And it is doubly hard because you just can't talk with anyone about it..

StarryMoon0

KarenR1981 wrote: »

Oh I really feel for you - you have been going through a rough time of it and I too commend you for making another go of it - You must really love him to make it want to work and I completely understand.

I used to have a Rabbit i got in Ann Summers - its was better then the real thing I have to admit - only thing you miss it the intimacy

You know the abstinence is good too - ye can go back to dating and by the time its right to make love it will be really special all over

In the meantime I suggest getting a Rabbit - go for the basic model its the best

I do love him, and he's my best friend. I just hope we can make a new relationship together.

Ya, we are dating rightnow, and its actually really nice. I know it will happen one day, but not untill we are both ready.

I'll look into the rabbit

Thanks

StarryMoon0

Oryx wrote: »

Maybe thats why youre finding all this particularly hard.

Intimacy is about being vulnerable, and about being honest. You have to present yourself to another person, totally open. If you are carrying any resentment towards that person, you cant do that, sexually or any other way, which is why you cant bring yourself to sleep with him right now. You both need to work through the aftermath of your breakup before you can take a step back towards true intimacy. Sex now would just distract you from tackling whats wrong.

You need to start looking at this not as him having a problem, which has you deprived of sex, but as a journey you are both taking, where you both learn a new way to deal with each other sexually and intimately. You can come out of this stronger, but only if youre willing to drag up the problems and deal with them. It can be a messy process.

Are you both at a stage yet where you are affectionate in a non sexual way? That can go a long way to scratching the intimacy itch, and there is nothing wrong with using toys to rub out immediate cravings, as long as that doesnt become a distraction either.

Your dead right about the intimacy. Its just frustrating at times. I just want my life to go back the way it used to be, no counsellers, no support groups, no BS .. but no matter how hard I wish, thats not going to happen..so I just have to keep on the path no matter how hard it is somedays.

Yup, its a real messy process, but the rewards will be worth it, i know that.

Well, we are a bit affectionate. We have been advised to take it really really slow, as there is a lot of healing to do yet. Its just going to take time.
First step is learning proper communication, which is nice to go through with him . When tackling an issue such as this we both have to learn to be 100% honest. Not an issue for me, but for him, well..years of hiding, lieing and excuses.. but the changes have been very positive and encouraging. He is like a new person.

I just miss the intamacy a lot I think. Its been gone for a while now (even before we split) and even though my mind knows that it will come when its ready, my heart pines for the loving touch of my husband..

thanks for your words..

Mollywolly

Going through a similar phase myself, starrymoon. Husband went to counsellor first and then she wanted to see me. This has been going on a while now and I can't see an end to it.

I can't remember the last time we were intimate (well, I can, but it's such a long time ago, it's embarrassing ) and it will take a while before I can build up the trust in him to WANT to be intimate, if you know what I mean? Rabbits are good for easing the tension, but they're not a permanent solution

I know what you mean about not being able to talk to anyone about it. I feel as if my friends probably wouldn't believe me if I told them what he'd been up to so I've never bothered.

<snip>

Good luck.

Molly

Ickle Magoo

Mollywolly, Please take the time to read the forum rules in the charter and abide by them.

Many thanks.

Ickle

Mollywolly

Apologies for breaking the rules. It won't happen again - sorry

StarryMoon0

Mollywolly wrote: »

Going through a similar phase myself, starrymoon. Husband went to counsellor first and then she wanted to see me. This has been going on a while now and I can't see an end to it.

I can't remember the last time we were intimate (well, I can, but it's such a long time ago, it's embarrassing ) and it will take a while before I can build up the trust in him to WANT to be intimate, if you know what I mean? Rabbits are good for easing the tension, but they're not a permanent solution

I know what you mean about not being able to talk to anyone about it. I feel as if my friends probably wouldn't believe me if I told them what he'd been up to so I've never bothered.

<snip>

Good luck.

Molly

Is he actively tackling the issues?

Mollywolly

StarryMoon0 wrote: »

Is he actively tackling the issues?

He's trying and the counsellor has been brilliant, but at the end of the day no one can do it for him he has to do it himself and he can be a bit lazy sometimes.

At the beginning, I wanted to do things to help him but the counsellor advised that it's not the way to do it, so I held back. I felt cruel though and that I was acting the opposite of the way a wife should be - supportive and all that.

It's not an ideal situation to be in, that's for sure