Need advice or to be set straight please

LegacyUser

Just posting this to see if I could get advice on a issue that has been upsetting me over the last few months.

Before I start I should explain some things relevent to the story. I am the youngest of 10 children in my family, finished masters degree 1.5 years ago and my father passed away 5 months ago. Both my parents were very old when they had me and there is a gap of 24 years from the eldest to the youngest (me) and I am 24. My family were big enough farmers and we own 2 farms. Now I know I may come across as a spoiled brat when I explain the next part but I am going to be completely honest.

To be quite blunt about it, I have inherited nothing, I have been left nothing and in the last number of years I was the one left to take care of my mother and father when they were ill, while managing college and taking care of one of the farms. Before my father passed away there was a big family argument about who was getting what and I made sure I stayed out of it as I was more concerned for my parents health then this nonsense. At the end of it all the eldest three got the majority of the farms and houses there in and there was a split in the family. Basically two sides that even now still hate each other, spread lies about each other and physically attack each other if they ever see eachother. Yet I still stayed out of it all as college was my thing (as my siblings constantly stated). Everyone of my brothers and sisters got sites, money and some got houses.

Since I finished college I have been living at home and taking care of my mother, who suffered a stroke and is paralysed. What I am about to say next will sound callous or like self glorifying Bull but I have been taking care of my mother and I took care of my father before he passed away from lung disease and all with little complaint because I cared about them. But today I have found out that my mother has signed over the family home to the third eldest (who has always lived at home all his life and is in his 40s) and where we all currently live. He has never helped out in any shape or form.... at least in my 24 years I have never seen him do anything, he lives rent free, he is a bully and social services has had to come to resolve issues before about him intimidating both my parents, he beat the snot out of my every couple of weeks up until I left for college and often times with no reason at all, my father and mothers pension pays for the bill and food mostly but I have helped out when I was needed but I was also trying to put myself through college. I am really upset by all of this now and I think it all has finally hit me and I feel betrayed. TBH I didn't have a good relationship with my father as he thought college was a waste on time and I should have been a plumber and he rarely spoke to me after to went there.

My sisters who have never lifted a finger to help out on the farm have all been given sites (1.5 acre sites) and the youngest of the girls also got close to €10,000 a couple of years ago to go back to college (and she dropped out after a few months)!

I am not telling this story looking for sympathy or anything, but I need to tell it to someone... I have worked so hard these last few years, I always tried to do the right thing, I never got upset when my parent wouldn't go to any of my graduations, I didn't get upset when I was emotionally blackmailed into turning down a good job to take care of my mother after my father passed away, or when the last of my saving went towards his funeral as my mother was to prideful to ask any of my siblings and I stayed out of the greedy back stabbing my sibling did to get everything and anything they could. They even confronted her when she was in hospital about who was getting what with out regard for her condition.... (I know they do care in their own way but it is still not right.)

But today's bombshell has left me fairly shaken, I know I can't stay in this house with my sociopath of a brother and I think I can't speak to my mother anymore. I know I am a bad person for that because she is having it hard too but I just feel like getting away from the all consuming hatred that my family has created for itself. I am a 24 year old guy, I have rarely cried in my life when things got bad, I have only cried at my fathers funeral and when my friend was killed in a car crash but today I fell to pieces...

To be honest, if a site or anything was left to me I probably wouldn't use it or build a home there in the future but to me at least it would have shown that they cared enough to think of my future... but they didn't and for the last number of years I have been used and taken it stoicly. One of my brother that I spoke to that I was a fool and I should have tried for as much as I could get when this nonsense started but I will never force anyone for anything and idf they wanted to give me something it was there choice.

Right now I feel like walking away from all of this, turning my back on everyone in my family and trying to build a better life for myself because at the moment I see no future here and the past here is full of regret and sadness, no one in my family speaks to each other anymore and when they do it is usually an argument or fists.... I have the chance to work abroad in two months time and I know in my heart when or if I leave it will be for good. Even as I am writing this it upsets me but I have to do something because I feel like this place and the malicious nature of the people here is destroying the person that I am.

I know that life isn't fair and the best anyone can hope for is that it is impartial but I am just not sure what I should do?

Millicent

Bloody hell, pet. You don't need to be set straight and you don't come across like you're whinging. I doubt there is anyone around who wouldn't feel as hard done by as you do at the moment--it's a slap in the face to be left with nothing. It would be even if you weren't the one taking care of your parents all this time, as it appears all your siblings have been taken care of.

Is there any way you could talk to your mother about it? If your brother is as much a sociopath as you say it is, is it possible he bullied her into it? Or maybe your father and mother thought that, because you had college behind you, you wouldn't make any use of a farm or a plot of land and would just sell it? The thing with your sisters is something which seems to be common to old country folk-- the girls need to be taken care of and the lads can take care of themselves. If that's the case, I know it's hard but accept that your folks were set in their ways and it wasn't a reflection on you.

Only you can say whether it's right to leave or not. To be honest, people often talk about family being everything but that's bullsh1t. Some of the people who say that have obviously never had to live with a toxic family. Without meaning to be too forward about it, do you reckon your mother has long left to live? If she is not going to be around for too long and you're not there, will you be able to live with it? Not trying to put you on a guilt trip, I promise. It's just a good idea to be aware of it, and being rash in your decision might play on your mind in years to come.

Whatever you choose, good luck. I don't think anyone could blame you whatever you decide to do. x

LegacyUser

Millicent wrote: »

Is there any way you could talk to your mother about it? If your brother is as much a sociopath as you say it is, is it possible he bullied her into it? Or maybe your father and mother thought that, because you had college behind you, you wouldn't make any use of a farm or a plot of land and would just sell it? The thing with your sisters is something which seems to be common to old country folk-- the girls need to be taken care of and the lads can take care of themselves. If that's the case, I know it's hard but accept that your folks were set in their ways and it wasn't a reflection on you.

I tried talking to her about this but she says there is nothing she can do and she has nothing left to give. She has life use of the family home but as soon as she passes it goes to him. My brother did bully her into it, I was there and I spoke to social services but there is nothing they can do unless she is willing to follow it up. I had to go to the gardai myself over a year ago as he threatened me with a knife but my mother begged me not to and swearing to disown me if I did.

When I asked about a site she said she thought I would just sell it and that is why she and my father didn't leave me anything but that she was sorry as she knew better now as I stayed home and took care of things while the rest of my brothers and sisters fought all the time.

Millicent wrote: »

Only you can say whether it's right to leave or not. To be honest, people often talk about family being everything but that's bullsh1t. Some of the people who say that have obviously never had to live with a toxic family. Without meaning to be too forward about it, do you reckon your mother has long left to live? If she is not going to be around for too long and you're not there, will you be able to live with it? Not trying to put you on a guilt trip, I promise. It's just a good idea to be aware of it, and being rash in your decision might play on your mind in years to come.

In terms of my mothers health I don't think she has long, maybe a year or two at most. There are other underlining health issues besides the stroke and she needs constant care as she forgets to take her tablets most of the time. This means I have no social life anymore and it is very hard to maintain contact with my friends because I have to be at home all the time. She refuses a carer to come in and help out and my brother (who is living there too) says he won't allow it.

I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea either though. My family was a very respectable family in our area. My father worked all his life to provide the best for us but ever since the eldest ones in the family started this nonsense over land our family's name has been dragged to the mud. They have spread the most vicious of lies against one another and the stress of this and the arguments is what caused my mothers stroke.

I just don't know if I can stay here and witness this anymore....

Millicent

1 half regret and 1 half lament wrote: »

I tried talking to her about this but she says there is nothing she can do and she has nothing left to give. She has life use of the family home but as soon as she passes it goes to him. My brother did bully her into it, I was there and I spoke to social services but there is nothing they can do unless she is willing to follow it up. I had to go to the gardai myself over a year ago as he threatened me with a knife but my mother begged me not to and swearing to disown me if I did.

When I asked about a site she said she thought I would just sell it and that is why she and my father didn't leave me anything but that she was sorry as she knew better now as I stayed home and took care of things while the rest of my brothers and sisters fought all the time.

Try not to hold it against her then. She made a mistake and has admitted it. At least you know that she realises all that you have done for her. I feel for you though. Your brother sounds like an absolute w@nker. Are there any of your other siblings who you could talk to? Any of them that you've always been closer to that might be a bit reasonable?

1 half regret and 1 half lament wrote: »

In terms of my mothers health I don't think she has long, maybe a year or two at most. There are other underlining health issues besides the stroke and she needs constant care as she forgets to take her tablets most of the time. This means I have no social life anymore and it is very hard to maintain contact with my friends because I have to be at home all the time. She refuses a carer to come in and help out and my brother (who is living there too) says he won't allow it.

Is a nursing home an option at all? It seems so ridiculous that of that many siblings, the rest are so useless and negligent. It is possible though that they just don't realise what strain you're under. Have you asked for help?

1 half regret and 1 half lament wrote: »

I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea either though. My family was a very respectable family in our area. My father worked all his life to provide the best for us but ever since the eldest ones in the family started this nonsense over land our family's name has been dragged to the mud. They have spread the most vicious of lies against one another and the stress of this and the arguments is what caused my mothers stroke.

I just don't know if I can stay here and witness this anymore....

And I didn't get the wrong impression. Family ARE family and I know you love them, especially your parents very much, (you wouldn't be bothered by it all otherwise) but you're more than entitled to feel like this without having to apologise for it or justify it on an anonymous internet site.

What have social services said? Have they offered any help at all?

dan_d

OP you are not the only person to find yourself in a situation like this.

It recently came to light in our family, that in the extended family of 4 members, the parent's land and house were left to the brother who was living on the other side of the country, and who spent the least amount of time with them, as opposed to the one who had lived nearby and stayed with his parents all through their illnesses until they died, even though he had a large family of his own. It was done for a reason that I won't go into here, but it doesn't take away from the fact that the brother who was nearby and got nothing feels totally betrayed and not trusted. And his wife is making things even worse - half of the family haven't seen the other half in almost 4 years.

I don't know what you can do to make things better for yourself, except possibly distance yourself as much as possible. It may be that your parents thought that you went to college, and you'd be fine, whereas your other brothers and sisters didn't and would need more help. They may be helping in the only way your parents know how, by giving land and houses. It may be that they simply don't understand college and it's opportunities (like many Irish people of the generations ahead of ours). I don't know their reasons, and to be honest I'm not sure if it's worth your while trying to figure them out.

If you've spoken to your mother and she's told you that it was a mistake, then I suppose, if you can, hang around until she's gone (sorry to be cold about it), and then distance yourself as much as possible?Wills are a horrendous source of arguments and estrangements in families, particularly in Ireland when it comes to land.It's no reflection on you or your family, because it happens all over the country - the most decent people in the world become like some sort of savages when it comes to who has been left what. You are right and entitled to feel as you do, but I think the best you can do right now is try and make your peace with your mother, and after that, leave your family where they are.

LegacyUser

Millicent wrote: »

Try not to hold it against her then. She made a mistake and has admitted it. At least you know that she realises all that you have done for her. I feel for you though. Your brother sounds like an absolute w@nker. Are there any of your other siblings who you could talk to? Any of them that you've always been closer to that might be a bit reasonable?






Is a nursing home an option at all? It seems so ridiculous that of that many siblings, the rest are so useless and negligent. It is possible though that they just don't realise what strain you're under. Have you asked for help?



And I didn't get the wrong impression. Family ARE family and I know you love them, especially your parents very much, (you wouldn't be bothered by it all otherwise) but you're more than entitled to feel like this without having to apologise for it or justify it on an anonymous internet site.

What have social services said? Have they offered any help at all?

Social services said they cannot do anything until she agrees that there is intimidation going on in the home. Since my father passed away I think she has given up on life and is waiting to die. Three of my siblings are trying to help but it always comes back to the argument about the farms... I feel like one side is trying to pit me against the other 95% of the time. Yet most of my brothers and sisters have families of their own and it is convenient for them to have me to take care of her. As for a nursing home, she refuses to even discuss the possibility.

After yesterday's situation with the family home I don't think I can speak to her anymore. I know I will regret it but enough is enough for me. I never imagined I could feel so trapped and worthless as I feel right now. I am no saint by any means as I did argue with her over this yesterday but it was the first time I got upset over this nonsense since it started nearly 2 years ago. She basically told me I was her only mistake in her life and she is sorry she had so many children.

I know this was said in a moment of anger but I don't think I can forgive her or my father for allowing things to get the way they are right now. I basically spent 5+ years in college so that I could come home and be belittled while taking care of my parents only to be told I wasn't wanted, while watching my family tear each other apart and never getting anything for my troubles.....

I don't just mean inheritance but moreso their pride in me and love.

Beruthiel

1 half regret and 1 half lament wrote: »

I just don't know if I can stay here and witness this anymore....

Then don't.
Honestly, you've done much more than your bit. Your siblings are all older and settled in their lives, let them take up the slack.
You are only 24 years old and this should not be all left on your shoulders.
Do not feel one bit guilty about walking away from this.
How dare the other 9 leave this all to you.

As for your parents leaving you nothing, unfair sure, but honestly, just let it go or it will grow in your gut and make you bitter.

Go out into the world and make a good life for yourself. You have a college education under your belt and that's more than most who start out in life.
Pack your bags and go. Anywhere.
It's time for you to start living.
Drop one of your siblings a text letting them know you're gone as you walk out the door.

All the above might sound cold, but you are the youngest of 10. There are 9 others who will have no choice but to sort something out if you are gone. And why should they not?
Best of luck.

LegacyUser

I uderstand what everyone is saying and a big part of me wants to do this but however hard it has been for me, I keep think that it has been harder for my mother. If and when I walk away my brothers and sisters will always say that I was the one who turned my back on them and my mother. But if I stay here taking care of her until she passes then I know that my brother (who lives at home) will throw me out after the funeral (he has stated this on numerous occasions) and I am left with nothing, no job as I spent my time taking care of my mother and outdated skills as I will have been unemployed for so long.... it is like a double edged sword. I am damned if I do and I am damned if I don't.

LegacyUser

You're 24 and essentially at the beginning of your life. You actually have the world at your feet and your whole life ahead of you. As a previous poster said, you have a masters degree, your youth and an enormous amount to look forward to. You are in a fantastic position to start your life from scratch.

I'd leave a note on the fridge for your brother and walk out the door. Explain this situation to a friend and ask can you sleep on their floor for a while until you get sorted. It would take a hard heart not to help you out here.

As a previous poster said, forget about the inheritance. It's a done deal now and dwelling on it will only bring unhappiness. You can look at it another way and say to yourself that your lucky to have no ties to the estate whatsoever, and that you don't need to have anything to do with any family bickering ever again. No snide remarks at forced family events over who got what int he years to come - all not relevant to you.

I also wouldn't be afraid to refuse to enter conversation on this with your brothers and sisters, who have a serious vested interest in talking you out of doing what's right for you and instead going back to doing what's convenient for them.

I'd just cut any conversation off by saying you're doing what suits you, and it's up to them to do what suits them. You feel youve done your bit for your Mum and Dad, and its time for them to pick up the slack. End of. If they try to argue that you're being selfish, well . . . I'd like to see them try.

Your brother sounds like a piece of work. If you think you'd be at risk, then it might also be a viable option to change your mobile number and just move on.

Send them a Christmas card with a forwarding address - by then, the rest of your family will have picked up the slack and there will be a new care arrangement in place.

All you need to make a new life is some guts. It won't be easy, but no matter how hard it gets, you'll look back in a few years time and be glad you did what's right for you.

Millicent

1 half regret and 1 half lament wrote: »

I uderstand what everyone is saying and a big part of me wants to do this but however hard it has been for me, I keep think that it has been harder for my mother. If and when I walk away my brothers and sisters will always say that I was the one who turned my back on them and my mother. But if I stay here taking care of her until she passes then I know that my brother (who lives at home) will throw me out after the funeral (he has stated this on numerous occasions) and I am left with nothing, no job as I spent my time taking care of my mother and outdated skills as I will have been unemployed for so long.... it is like a double edged sword. I am damned if I do and I am damned if I don't.

Are you close enough to potential jobs that you could commute, even at the weekend? What about talking to your other siblings?

Beruthiel

1 half regret and 1 half lament wrote: »

I uderstand what everyone is saying and a big part of me wants to do this but however hard it has been for me, I keep think that it has been harder for my mother.

Maybe it has OP.
But you know what, you're mother got herself in this position.
Now that might sound harsh, but speaking as a mother myself, I've got a back bone. It's not your fault if your mother doesn't.
Certainly, she made this bed for herself, why is it up to you to deal with that now?

If and when I walk away my brothers and sisters will always say that I was the one who turned my back on them and my mother.

And? Are you really going to take that kind of bullsh!t? You know it's not true. Anyone with a pair of eyes knows this is not true.
Your siblings sound like a bunch of assholes, so why do you care what they think?

But if I stay here taking care of her until she passes then I know that my brother (who lives at home) will throw me out after the funeral (he has stated this on numerous occasions) and I am left with nothing, no job as I spent my time taking care of my mother and outdated skills as I will have been unemployed for so long.... it is like a double edged sword.

And this is why you have to start sorting your life out now.
Time to take charge of your future.

LegacyUser

Millicent wrote: »

Are you close enough to potential jobs that you could commute, even at the weekend? What about talking to your other siblings?

As I am living a rural area of the country and did a specialist masters the majority of jobs are dublin based. I had to turn down an interview last week as my sister conveniently couldn't come to mind my mother as she had other plans.... even though we had arranged this for over a week. I later find out that she slept in the entire day at her apartment and wasn't bothered in calling. I have tried talking to my siblings but the conversations go something like this.....

---

{me} well how are things?I have an interview next week so hopefully something will come of it. Can you watch mam for me until 6?

{Sibling A} why don't you ask our brother as he has gotten everything...

{me} look can you do it or not?

{Sibling A} Why don't you ask sibling B?

{me} look it's fine if you can't do it. I will find someone else.

{Sibling A} if only you knew have the thing he has said about you you wouldn't be licking his boots.

*same conversation with sibling b to i but with more detail as to how the others have said or done things that are wrong *

---

and so on... that is the extent of the conversations for the last year... each vying for more argument and trying to gain support for their opinion of what should be done.

OS119

OP, you should not absolve your mother from blame in this situation - she has the ability to change her will at anytime (and entirely secretly) but chooses not to.

thats her fault.

the consequences - entirely betraying a child who has put their life on hold in order to look after her while those who will benefit from her will do nothing, are hers, and hers alone.

LegacyUser

OS119 wrote: »

OP, you should not absolve your mother from blame in this situation - she has the ability to change her will at anytime (and entirely secretly) but chooses not to.

thats her fault.

the consequences - entirely betraying a child who has put their life on hold in order to look after her while those who will benefit from her will do nothing, are hers, and hers alone.

I am afraid there is nothing she can do now. I have seen the documentation and the family home has been signed over. I simply get to stay there while I take care of her. The farms and other stuff has been willed since my father passed.

In truth I think some of why I am upset comes from the fact that she thinks more of my sibling who are not living at home as it is harder from them (in her mind)....

Some of my sibling got sites because they argued they wanted to build there and live where they grew up but that hasn't stopped two of them from selling their sites already with another one up for sale....

Beruthiel

1 half regret and 1 half lament wrote: »

I had to turn down an interview last week as my sister conveniently couldn't come to mind my mother as she had other plans.... even though we had arranged this for over a week.

Well now OP, it's time to grow a back bone.
What you should have said to your sister was, "I'm off for that interview now and I'll be back at 9pm this evening. Don't leave Mam too long by herself." Then you should have hung up before she got a word in.
You're a doormat to your siblings and they know it.
Only you have control over this situation and how you handle it.
Their behaviour towards you wouldn't be happening if you didn't allow it to.

Millicent

1 half regret and 1 half lament wrote: »

As I am living a rural area of the country and did a specialist masters the majority of jobs are dublin based. I had to turn down an interview last week as my sister conveniently couldn't come to mind my mother as she had other plans.... even though we had arranged this for over a week. I later find out that she slept in the entire day at her apartment and wasn't bothered in calling. I have tried talking to my siblings but the conversations go something like this.....

---

{me} well how are things?I have an interview next week so hopefully something will come of it. Can you watch mam for me until 6?

{Sibling A} why don't you ask our brother as he has gotten everything...

{me} look can you do it or not?

{Sibling A} Why don't you ask sibling B?

{me} look it's fine if you can't do it. I will find someone else.

{Sibling A} if only you knew have the thing he has said about you you wouldn't be licking his boots.

*same conversation with sibling b to i but with more detail as to how the others have said or done things that are wrong *

---

and so on... that is the extent of the conversations for the last year... each vying for more argument and trying to gain support for their opinion of what should be done.

To be brutally honest with you OP, and please don't take offence because it is really not intended, you're too nice. Your family are walking all over you and will continue to do it until they see you won't allow it.

I know it's not easy but my family were the same with me for a long time. You know what I did? I got angry. And I let them know it whenever they were trying to dick me around. You absolutely should not have let your sister blow you off. She made a commitment and it was her responsibility to follow through. Next time it happens, say you're very sorry that she has such little respect for you and for your mother, but you will be going to that interview. You might find she moves her arse a bit when she realises you've left her no other choice.

Please remember that you are important. What you want, what you need, what you hope for is important. Your family are treating you as a second class citizen and they will keep doing it for as long as you let them. They see you as a pushover and will keep doing it while they can get away with it. Get annoyed with them. When they start giving excuses, cut them off. Don't negotiate or offer to find alternative care. She's their mother too, ffs! They owe her their time and respect.

Millicent

Beruthiel wrote: »

Well now OP, it's time to grow a back bone.
What you should have said to your sister was, "I'm off for that interview now and I'll be back at 9pm this evening. Don't leave Mam too long by herself." Then you should have hung up before she got a word in.
You're a doormat to your siblings and they know it.
Only you have control over this situation and how you handle it.

Jinx!

LegacyUser

If you don't go to the interviews you'll never get out. I would phone all siblings leave messages saying I have to go to Dublin at x time I won't be here. This is your life! Stand strong and resolute, switch the mobile phone off and just go, they will be forced to come round. You have nothing to gain by being nice to these people. You are too good they don't deserve you.

LegacyUser

I know I am too soft about this. I was going to just go to the interview last week but my mam can't be left alone and it would have taken my sister over an hour to get to the family home.

I will say though that I am glad I posted this thread as everyone has been really helpful and kind. I have asked a neighbour to call up to my mother for an hour this evening and I intend on going for a long walk to gather my thoughts on this.

When I finished college over a year ago, the idea of going abroad would never have crossed my mind, let alone going abroad on my own but in my heart I know I can't stay here anymore. My sister says I will not last out there, I will have no friends etc so I shouldn't bother but at this point I would rather be struck down by lightening then be here for anymore of this.

Beruthiel

1 half regret and 1 half lament wrote: »

My sister says I will not last out there.

Why oh why are you listening to your sister?
People go to other countries ALL the time, and guess what, they survive. Some stay for a while, some make a whole new life for themselves and never come back.
Now you have your youth, health and an education, all that is stopping you at this point is your good self. And might I say, a problem with low self exteem. I say that because if your sister can put you down like that, and you let her, then it's because your confidence is not the best.
Stay in this situation, and you can kiss both goodbye.

LegacyUser

Beruthiel wrote: »

Why oh why are you listening to your sister?
People go to other countries ALL the time, and guess what, they survive. Some stay for a while, some make a whole new life for themselves and never come back.
Now you have your youth, health and an education, all that is stopping you at this point is your good self. And might I say, a problem with low self exteem. I say that because if your sister can put you down like that, and you let her, then it's because your confidence is not the best.
Stay in this situation, and you can kiss both goodbye.

Thanks for the proverbial kick up the bum. yeah I think you are right and I will stand up for myself from now on (though I don't think I will be taken seriously for a while).

Walls

If you walk out now, they will say that you were always in it for the houses/sites because look what you do when you found out you weren't getting any money.

If you stay, they will call you an idiot and a boy for putting up with it in the first place.

If you go abroad and don't suceed, they will say you weren't able for it and that you should have stayed where you were able.

If you go abroad and do well, they will say that you only cared about money and that you left a sick mother behind to go off and take care of yourself and live the life of Reilly.

If you get married, they will say you picked a daft choice of wife.

If you stay single, they'll say that you couldn't get a wife to choose you if her life depended upon it.

If you work in your chosen career, they will call you a stuck-up, good for nothing know it all who thinks he's better than anyone else.

If you stick around in your home town and get a job there, they'll say that the masters was for nothing and that you're clearly an idiot who lives in daydreams.

I trust I've made my point? These people have a nice little narrative going that serves them as it paints you, no matter what you do, as an idiot they can look down on. This is a given. It will not change and it can't be argued with.

You now have a choice. Stick at home and have some security, ultimately to be replaced with financial insecurity in the future as you try to make it on your own, or leave now, on your terms, coping with financial insecurity. The advice I would give you is to leave. Look up folks from your course (via Facebook) and then get moving to be gone in 12 weeks. Right now it really is the only option.

bambera

Op it is time to start looking after number one. Your siblings will use ever reason under the sun for you to stay in the home because it's in their best interests that you do and you shouldn't give a damn what they think of you if you go because from what I read they don't seem to care enough about you anyway.

You have done way more than your fare share and you should never ever feel guilty if you leave now.

If you stay you'll probably regret it and at the end of it all you will be left with noting but bitterness and resentment.

The rest of your life could potentially rest on whatever you decide to do now and I hope you do what's best for you and find happiness.

Slydice

I think Beruthiel has pointed you in a direction which would be good for you.

Look, you sound worried that you're going to lose the respect or friendship of your family. I don't think this is the case. It sounds like they abuse you for what they can and treat you with contempt the rest of the time.

Worried about what they'll say to you? Then don't plan to talk to them again and leave them behind.
Worried about what they'll think about you missing or attending your mothers funeral? They currently treat you like **** so there's no difference. Don't even go to the funeral. Why put in the effort when your mother didn't put in any for you?

My thoughts: If you're qualified and can get a job, then go out and do it. Make a life for yourself and do the right thing. It sounds like you were the only person in your family who learned how to not be a dick. Go out, find work, find love, find a new home.

of course... you don't have to. feel free to hang around and be treated like dirt

LegacyUser

OP
Sonny don't go away, I am here all alone
And your daddy's a sailor, and he never comes home
And the nights get so long, and the silence goes on
And I'm feeling so tired, I'm not all that strong

Sonny caries a load, He is barely a man
There's not all that much to do, still he does the best he can
And he lives in a room, at the top of the stairs
And the sea keeps on rollin in it's done that for years

Its a Song, and its YOU, they have all taken advantage and you have been too good and the expenses of your LIFE
Please get away and make your life without your selfish siblings and let them take some responsibilities

LegacyUser

Jay, sonny was my mothers favourite song and I'm almost in tears here.

OP, very similar situation to you, except no farm. I had a bad relationship with both parents, and am also the youngest of 9. Dad passed away long before mam, and when she died, she left the house to 2 older brothers, who never lifted a cup. They sold the house eventually, and drank every penny of their 'inheritance'.

This all happened when I was around your age OP, but your post brought back so many bad memories for me. The lack of fairness in it all, the way I was and still am, treated like the baby of the family. I don't think that will every change, and I in my late 40s now.

I drifted around in my 20s OP. Dejected, rejected and hurt by every member of my family. It had a huge impact on my life and I regret every minute of those wasted years.

Hindsight is such a wonderful thing, it really is. My advice would be to move away - allow your family to 'enjoy' their 1.5acres, although it seems none of them are. They still seem full of resentment and they have chosen to carry that resentment through their lives.
You need to let it go. Easier said than done, and I know because I was on anti-ds with the pain and torture of it all.
But listen to a wise old owl. Walk away from them all. keep in touch with your mother to the best of your ability. YOu will end up a better person for it OP - let them have their land and let your sibling inherit the house. None of them will ever be happy because they are caught up in the cycle of their lives.
You can make a choice to move on with your life OP - forget the farm, let go of the resentment and you will be a better person for it. Both physically and emotionally.
I wish you the very best of all that is good OP - you most certainly deserve it. And I take my hat off to you for going and getting your education despite the lack of support. I only wish I had been given this advice many years ago, and didn't waste so much of my life on family stuff.
Take care of yourself OP x

Rufus the brave

Perhaps you could contest the will after she passes away. Maybe the legal forum might be the best place.

Maybe she was pressured into signing property over to the other sibling. If she's an invalid, she may well have done anything to appease an unstable bully. Maybe social services could be called upon to act as a character reference for you.

Rufus.
Rufus the brave.

OS119

1 half regret and 1 half lament wrote: »

I am afraid there is nothing she can do now. I have seen the documentation and the family home has been signed over. I simply get to stay there while I take care of her. The farms and other stuff has been willed since my father passed.

OP, in that case she's an utter fcukwit - and the consequences for being an utter ****wit lie with the utter fcukwit.

it's called Darwinism.

Rufus has a decent point - certainly morally you have a decent case, but it would likely be hideously expensive, be fought by all your siblings (as its likely that each would have to contribute to the 'pot' that you'd be awarded), and it would take an age.

my advice? walk away - you owe none of these people anything. you've been treated like a skivvy while being shafted. walk away and never go back - if your mother gets to lie in her own **** for a few hours a day as a consequence of that she can spend a little time regretting how she allowed you to be stitched up. un-fcuking-lucky.

blairbear

OS119 wrote: »

my advice? walk away - you owe none of these people anything. you've been treated like a skivvy while being shafted. walk away and never go back - if your mother gets to lie in her own **** for a few hours a day as a consequence of that she can spend a little time regretting how she allowed you to be stitched up. un-fcuking-lucky.

Unhelpful and unsympathetic advice. The OP is clearly a good, kind, sensitive person, albeit far too nice for his own good. I sincerely doubt that he would want his mother to suffer any more than she has to with her health problems.

It's all very well and good to tell the poor guy to up and leave, but he has to get a neighbour to look in on his mum if he wants to go for a walk! She's obviously very unwell and helpless. My mum was left in a similar position with her parents and inherited nothing from them either. There were times when she'd have loved to have just left her sisters to mind her mum, but couldn't; they didn't know what to do. They point blank refused to bring her to the bathroom and clean her. They gave her the wrong meds, despite written instructions. Whatever mistakes this lady has made in the past, now is NOT the time to punish her by walking out and expecting these selfish, nasty siblings to pick up the slack. If they refuse to sit with her for an hour or two, they sure as hell won't clean her after using the bathroom or perform tasks of that nature.

OP, regardless of your mother's objections, you NEED outside help from carers and health professionals. It's the only way that you can leave and you need to leave. I'm not sure what medium you go through for this help, or at least know too little to advise, but she is entitled to care or a place in a nursing home. You can also avail of "respite care" where she'd be taken in for one week a month just to give her carer, i.e. you, a break. I think you need to tell her you absolutely cannot cope. Leave all mention of the will and land out of it. Tell her your own mental health is in ribbons at this stage. I'm sure she loves you so she will hopefully understand. Tell your siblings, via email or voicemail or text, whatever if best for you, that you are bowing out and can only do your fair share from now on, but I would advise you to have all the care options researched first. For the moment, this needs to be about your mum's care and who can help other than you, not another battle to be won in their silly sibling war.

GO FOR YOUR INTERVIEWS!! I can't stress that enough. Even pay a carer to take care of her for the day. You need to support yourself. By the way, are you availing of the carer's allowance right now, because you're entitled to it?

My heart goes out to you. I don't know another 24 year old man who would do this for anyone. You deserve to be happy and to have a good life and you will.

Esoteric_

I didn't read everything of this thread, but I noticed that you said you talked to her about it and she said there's nothing she can do now as the house has been signed over.

Instead of talking to her about the future, why not ask her why you were completely excluded in the past? I'm sure a reason is more important to you right now than to be grudgingly given something.

Kalimah

I'd agree with everything Beruthiel and dan_d have said.And Walls! I laughed at that-it's so true. You should leave as soon as you can. You have done more than your bit and as someone else said no matter what you do it won't be right. You sound like a good kind person and you're being treated like s****. Don't let them do that to you. You deserve so much more. Your family is toxic and if it was me I'd go and never have contact with them again.
My own inlaws are much the same when it comes to toxicity. My partner sees his mother from time to time but when she goes that's the end of all contact. Who needs the hassle.

Ickle Magoo

As per the charter, please reply to threads in a civil and well phrased manner, remember being a Personal Issues board the contents of some threads may be very close to people's hearts.

Many thanks

Ickle

LegacyUser

Sunflower27 mentioned that life flies by so quickly and I understand that statement more then I can convey by text. I never imagined that when I finished college that I would be here still doing the same things and dealing with the same nonsense but 18 months later I still am. I have watched as all my friends have moved on with their lives, grown apart from me and actually started living.

One thing that struck me too is what Walls said in his post about what my siblings would say and in truth I have heard every one of those statements being said either about me or about other siblings in my family by siblings in my family.

The truth is that my other sibling will not take over when I go. Now that they know the family home has been given to my brother they will leave my mother to him and that is the worst thing that could happen in my opinion. He does not speak to her other then to yell abuse or threaten her or me. The guy literally terrifies me and I have not the physical ability to stand up to the man and even if I could I would have to sleep with my eyes open from now on if I did. That is no joke; he has serious mental problems which should have been dealt with years ago. He didn't speak to anyone in our family for years until this split happened about the farms and that was simply because both sides were trying to rally support to them.

Like Blairbear said, I have to feed, clothe, clean and take care of my mother for the last year. She is on over 24 tablets a day which have to be maintained and given at certain times and my brothers and sisters cannot or will not follow the simplest of instruction when it comes to these. I also am not availing of the carers allowance, I tried for it nearly a year ago and there were objections from my family over it. By this I mean that my 2 brothers went to social services and stated that my parents were being looked after by all the family. This was a lie and done because it was (in their minds) a way to stop me from getting my hands on the house etc... They also produced my own person documentation about contract work I did (only twice) when designing components of a web app. I only had two contracts which were tiny (together amounting to €700) and was given to me as a favor from a friend who knew my situation and was trying to help. How they got their hands on my personal documents is simple, they broke into my room at home. They used this information to undermine me and make out that I was earning big bucks....

Currently, I am drawing job seekers and I hate that I have to. I don't mean to sound harsh but I feel like a leech because I spent so much time in college that I just want to be working and contributing something (to my life and to the world I guess). As I am under 25 and living at home I do not make much and what I had saved was handed over to my mother 5 months ago towards the funeral. I know I will never see any of that money again, and I know it is wrong of me to think that I should but it frustrates me to think of it because why am I the one who has to pay out so much...... (I know I am wrong in thinking this and I am sorry but it is how I feel.)

The fact that I have been left nothing is the final insult to me though. More so in a emotional sense because it showed me the value that has been placed on me and by that I mean in terms of how much my parents actually cared about me or my future.....

One thing that has stood out for me in all the replies is that I should get out before bitterness and resentment consumes me but I am afraid that it already has (to a certain degree)....

When I went for a walk today I thought over a lot of things. I have come from being in college, where I had a good few friends, played on the college football team, having a steady girlfriend of 3 years (we ended it amicably because my situation was putting to much strain on the relationship), to being emotionally chained to a task that will leave me with no thanks and no future. I feel isolated from the life I had or tried to build. If someone was to ask me (when I was in college) where I saw myself in the future, I would have said that it would have been working, saving up for a house, meeting the right girl and settling down. When I try to see my future now I simple do not see anything.... and that scares me!

I feel trapped here and I have had to be on call 24/7 for my mother and my father when he was alive. My days revolve around a schedule of taking care of her. If she was to take a turn for the worst I would get the blame and that is simply how my family is.

If I leave then it will be my fault too!

Walls

blairbear wrote: »

I don't know another 24 year old man who would do this for anyone. You deserve to be happy and to have a good life and you will.

Seconded, actually, such consideration is rare (as you've seen).

Victor

You might have a word with a solicitor.

Children have certain rights to be provided for out of an estate. Now you say you have a masters and it might be considered you have been provided for, but that depends on how that was funded.

It also sounds like you need someone to talk to. Is there someone you can talk to?

LegacyUser

Victor wrote: »

You might have a word with a solicitor.

Children have certain rights to be provided for out of an estate. Now you say you have a masters and it might be considered you have been provided for, but that depends on how that was funded.

It also sounds like you need someone to talk to. Is there someone you can talk to?

I don't think a solicitor will be able to do much for me in terms of the estate as there is nothing left. As for college, I funded my expenses (in terms of accommodation, material etc) by working as a night porter and when there was an opportunity to do part time in software development... while maintain one of the farms and taking care of my parents. The government basically payed my tuition. I will admit that the masters took a particular strain on my resources and I had to take out a small loan but I managed my finances. Of course if it comes to a drawn out battle my siblings could always lie and say I was given money. They would have to lie though as all I ever took from home for college was milk, bread and toilet roll etc and it wouldn't surprise me if they kept account of all that.

When it comes to talking to someone, well... family is out of the question as it is simply fueling them to use anything they can get to cause more arguments about the land etc....

Anyways I think I am hedging the issue here and ultimately I have an important decision to make. Should I stay or should I go? Both of which carry consequences.....

Kidchameleon

OP

Very sad situation you find yourself in. If for arguments sake you did get the house, where would your brother live? The reason I'm asking is that, from your mothers perspective, you have a degree and a future. Your brother has nothing. Perhaps she feels this decision gives you BOTH a chance. Totally unfair I know...

Good Luck.

niceoneted

I have read the entire thread with interest.
Both of my parents had similar situations with their families. My mother let it slide, my father felt resentment for years but has since let it slide.
They have insisted that all of us get equal share and they are very equal in their treatment of us - this I think is how you will do it in the future too.

Anyway I was going to say a lot of what blairbear said, in relation to the respite care. I would document all that needs to be done for your mother, times, whats done etc.
I would contact all siblings and say I have to go away for the day can you arrange for one of you to take care of mum - and go to your interviews, you don' t have to tell them you are going for an interview.

What happens if your mother is still alive in 10 yrs time and your 34 and still at home. Lost skills, no confidence, no self esteem, beaten down by all around you.
I think you should go now. and not regret one minute of it. Don't worry about what others say or think about you regardless of whether they are family or not.
I totally empathise with how your feeling about leaving your mother knowing that she needs such care but believe me when they really have to the others will step in and if they don't she will go to a home. That might be the best place for her as she will not have to be with your abusive brother.
My heart goes out to you. You will make it in the world as you are kind, compassionate, intelligent but while lacking self esteem at the moment you will get it back but only if you leave.

I wish you the best of luck.

angelfire9

OP I am lucky enough to never have been in a situation like yours and hopefully I never will so I cannot attempt to say that I understand but I do sympathise!

AFAIK (and i am NOT a solicitor) when your father passed away regardless of what was written in his will you should have been entitled to a share in the estate as the written law will always supersede a written will

IF and this is a big IF you are actually interested in inheriting a fair share of the land/property which belonged to your father's estate then IMHO you would have a good case to present to a solicitor

As regards your mother, you are the youngest of 10 kids, you seem to have very little of a life outside of taking care of your mother

Could you perhaps go and stay with a friend for a week or two and TELL your siblings you are not available to mind your mother for those 2 weeks and see what happens?

They are guilt tripping you into taking over their own responsibilities you shouldn't let them bully you!

You are 24 you have qualifications that can help you escape.... use them! Get out while you can!

LegacyUser

You must be gutted at the moment, but look at it this way: you have been given the biggest gift now - Freedom! You can walk away from them all without feeling guilty and build whatever life you want for yourself. Start looking for a job with your degree, get out there and find the life you want - if you are not there your siblings will just have to look after your mum! hth

Neyite

you know that the way things stand, the minute your mum dies, your usefulness to your siblings is finished, and you will be penniless and homeless. so you need to prepare for that whatever way you can.

this is a given at this stage, so you need to decide how you are going to cope.

what i would suggest is do out a detailed list of your mums schedule, and arrive at one of your siblings houses. hand over the list, and your mum, and tell them you will be back at 6.then leave, quickly. i would start with the sister who lounged in her bed all day causing you to miss an interview.

talk to your mum and tell her its this way or into a home. get her onside on this issue. you dont have a choice anymore - if she is adamant that she wont go into social care, let her put the guilt trip on your siblings, its not your fight. each and every time that your siblings let you down, drop her in for daycare in the local old folks home instead. if your mum doesnt like it, too bad. she can complain to the other children she had who were not 'mistakes'

talk to the person in charge in the local home - we were surprised at how helpful they were - while they might not have beds for overnights, generally daycare is a bit easier to get. these people know other people in the carers industry, and they can really help you.

the other aspect you can try is blackmail - isnt there a law coming in that a persons assets be sold to pay for the old folks home? would your siblings sit up and pay attention if the land they have been promised might disappear?

the HSE will pay someone to come in a day or two a week to sit with your mum - we got it for my dad so mum could just get out of the house for a few hours a day. if you are not around, it will fall to your siblings.

i hope things work out for you

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for your advice. I have taken it all on board and I have made definate steps towards working abroad in two months and I expect to have some more interview here before then anyways. Since the bombshell two days ago I haven't spoken to my mother and to be honest I doubt that I will again. I will carry on doing my carer bit until then but I am not going to let it affect my life anymore and miss out on opportunities. I know my self-esteem has greatly diminished over the last few months but as previous posters have mention I can only fix this by getting out of this situation.

I know in my heart that when I go it will be for good and I will have no contact with my family whatsoever. I am going to leave my contact details to two neighbours in case my mother has a turn for the worst but I am cutting my family out of my life after all that has transpired here.

I know I will have a lot of regrets over this (probably for the rest of my life) but at least if I leave I could find happiness too. I won't know until I try anyways so heres hoping.....

Thanks everyone for taking the time to listen (read) my problem and helping me to work through it.

cheers,
1 half regret and 1 half hope
(formerly 1 half regret and 1 half lament)

Bluefox21

Ok. First of all go to a Solicitor ASAP. You only have twelve months from the date of your fathers death to make an application.

117.—(1) Where, on application by or on behalf of a child of a testator, the court is of opinion that the testator has failed in his moral duty to make proper provision for the child in accordance with his means, whether by his will or otherwise, the court may order that such provision shall be made for the child out of the estate as the court thinks just.

This is quite complicated and you really need to talk to a Solicitor. Who witnessed your fathers will? It cannot have been someone who was set to gain from it. Did your mother renounce her rights to the estate? Even if she did when did she have the stroke? She may have been incapable or under undue influence to sign it away. She is entitled to a third of the estate regardless of what it says in the will. There are so many legal issues jumping out here its not funny. If everything you're saying here is true (and I have no reason to believe it isn't) then you will have a very strong case. Even if you don't want to go to court by the sound of it your siblings would be crazy not to settle with you and give you what you deserve. And you are entitled to it!

OP sorry for being blunt but you need to stop being such a walkover. Why do you have such loyalty to your mother who is quite clearly taking you for granted. I am delighted you have started to take positive steps but I feel the legal route will help justify to yourself that you have done nothing wrong and have not wasted the last few months.

Regardless of what you decide to do I wish you all the best.

All of the above information is available on citizensinformation.ie

Miss Mimsy

Going down the legal route will be a nightmare and costly. Remember that before you decide to do anything. They may also gang up on you since you didn't choose sides.

I also think that you shouldn't leave you mother now as it would be unfair to her. She brought you into the world and reared you so you have to give a little back to!!!

Bluefox21

Miss Mimsy wrote: »

Going down the legal route will be a nightmare and costly. Remember that before you decide to do anything. They may also gang up on you since you didn't choose sides.

I also think that you shouldn't leave you mother now as it would be unfair to her. She brought you into the world and reared you so you have to give a little back to!!!

The legal route does not necessarily have to be costly especially if you go down the legal aid route. It is all about making a stand show you're not prepared to be pushed around anymore and that you should get what you are entitled to. The brother pulled a knife on her and the mother has clearly been intimidated. By staying with the mother things will only get worse before he is thrown on the street. The mother has signed him out of the will leaving him with nothing and needs to understand the sacrifices which have been made for her.

If I didn't know better I would accuse you of being one of the relatives!

Beruthiel

1 half regret and 1 half lament wrote: »

Thanks everyone for your advice. I have taken it all on board and I have made definate steps towards working abroad in two months

Please stay strong and do not waver from that plan.
I wish you all the best in your new life.

knetworks

the person that got the farm really should have the reponsability of minding the parents and leave the rest of the siblings get on with their lives,of course they should visit them as often as they can,when i got the farm i felt it was my duty to care for them into their old age

Heisenberg.

This post has been deleted.

dellas1979

I dunno OP. I am going to go against some of the advice here.

I am only thinking in the long run as Ive read all your posts and you are very caring and sensitive and I think if you walk now, you will regret it big time for the rest of your life. It will always follow you no matter where you go.

I am sorry to say, but running away is not going to solve anything.

To me, you have a few options, without running away:

1. Talk to your mother again and tell her how this is affecting you. You tell her you will always be there for her regardless, but what has happened and wha has been said/done/not done is affecting you. Tell her now is the time to fix this - its still not too late.

2. If she still disagrees, I would be contesting the will legally. You have nothing to lose with your siblings anyways as they treat you like a doormat. This is one way to give them a kick up their arses.

3. Do some figures - if you get a job closer to home, will it pay enough for a carer for you to be able to work to and have at least have some social outlet?

I think you are so fed up now (and understandably so), walking away seems the easiest. Im 100% hope you will change your mind and make it work for you another way.

belongtojazz

Hi Op, I think you are making the right choice in moving on. Your family (including your mother ) have done little or nothing to support you and you need to move. You have a wonderful sense of responsibilty and a very very caring attitude but if you stay that will be eroded until you end up very bitter and resentful.
Would it be possible for you to speak to your Mams GP before you leave and tell them you are concerned about the level of care she will have when you go? Then you will have passed some of the responsibilty for her care to someone who will be able to help.

Best of Luck in the future, you have earned it.

mumzboyz

Hi OP, would you not consider putting your mum into respite for a week so that you can think about everything clearly and without intorruption. From what I am reading in your posts anyway you could do with the break for you. Try and get some supports in place for yourself too. You are important too.

There are pros and cons to contesting the will or just up and leaving. You are the only person here who can make that decision. But once you do you have to live with the consequences and be prepared to accept that. Dont rush into anything which you may regret.

Best of luck to you & I hope you make the right choice for you.