Falling for guy over text???

LegacyUser

Hi guys,

This is a bit of a ridiculous situation so please bear with me.

About two years ago, I got chatting to a guy online and eventually we swapped numbers. From what I gathered he was recently out of a long-termer and just looking for fun. We were at opposite ends of the country so I didn't think much of it, the texts were a bit of fun, a bit of flirting but that was it.

Guys came and went in my life in the 'real world' and these texts continued, sort of at intervals in the beginning - I wouldn't hear from him for a few months, then all of a sudden get a random text and it would start up again.

Then about a year ago, maybe less, something happened and all of a sudden we were texting every day, over and back and over and back, sometimes all day from morning til night. We've had a few phone calls too and have swapped a few pics and just seem to 'click', there's definitely a mutual interest and attaction there (as much as there can be over a phone...!)

It's like overnight he became something of a virtual 'boyfriend' and I came to expect to wake up with a text from him and it would continue throughout the day. Meeting up was always something we planned but it just has never happened yet. Up until recently I was in a chaotic, crazy, 60-hour-week job and have had a few boyfriends over the years who I'd spend the weekend with. (Yes I'm aware texting this guy throughout constitutes 'cheating', I'll put it down to my commitment problems and the fact that this guy just intrigues me. Not exactly justification I know and maybe that's the reason why these relationships have failed)

Over the years we've 'gotten to know' each other quite well, he's disclosed a lot of personal stuff about his life, job, family, friends, exes and so have I. In fact I've been a lot more honest with him than I've been with a lot of people I actually 'know' in the real world. Of late this guy has been abroad and the texts have been of a very sexual nature. Lots of 'sexts' and drunken phone calls and it's at the point where I want him so bad, and feel like after two years it's a complete waste of time if we don't at least meet. However I'm emigrating to Canada next week, for God knows how long, and he's home in Ireland a week later.

Even the thought of not being in regular contact with him makes me sad, because it's become a part of my daily life, and I sort of expect the texts to continue...but I guess I'm wondering, what the hell is the point?Like what the hell am I playing at?? If we haven't managed to meet up when we're in the same country, what chance have we now?

It's a very strange and slightly f@$#ed up relationship we have, and you mightn't even call it a relationship...but I text him far more than any boyfriend I've ever had, we seem to both be wildly attracted to one another and compatible on so many levels...as absurd as it sounds (and I'd be that no-nonsense friend who would be the first to point out that's it's just plain crazy and pointless to anyone else who was in this position...) I can't help but wonder, what can this become?

Or should it become anything or just stay in the realms of something fun and frivolous to do when we're both bored and looking for attention from the opposite sex?? Baring in mind I'm about to start a new life the other side of the world...

I don't really know what sort of advice I'm looking for here. I suppose I'm wondering if anyone has ever been in this sort of a weird situation before, and did anything come of it?

Rufus the brave

Yes, it has definitely got out of hand by the sounds of things, but too late now! Have you considering visiting him before you leave for Canada? Could be worth a shot... :pac:

Katgurl

OP, I could have written that post myself a few months ago & like you i'd be the no-nonsense friend if i was listening to someone else tell me my own story.

I don't really have any insights apart from the bits you know; it was easier disclose that info because environment non-threatening, not 'really' knowing him means you don't have to put up with his faults, its almost like a holiday away from real life, the fact you're now being pushed further apart adds to the excitment.

Like anythign i suppose it becomes a comfort to have someone there in whatever form. We're not speaking at all now (turned out he was less than economical iwth the truth and when he wanted give it a shot i realised i'd always have serious trust issues with him) and it is hard to adjust to life without the non-stop contact but i've decided to approach it like quitting smoking and just accepting that all habits (good & bad) are hard to break.

Ask yourself honestly though why you havent' met - was it him or you who prevented it?

Unfortunately i have no other advice to offer but wanted to respond to let you know you're not only one who has found herself completely out-of-character in a mess like this & i'm looking forward to other ppl responding as hopefully i can get a reality check too.

Oryx

A relationship based on texts is a fiction. Think about it. You can spend a while wording a text just right, so it sounds just perfect. You get used to how someone else texts, and adjust your reply accordingly. It is so easy to sound witty and wonderful in a limited amount of words, real life conversation is usually messier than that. The whole set up of sending and recieving texts is exciting, as it is staggered. Youve got to wait for the next response, and think of your reply. It can occupy your whole day, and take your mind of mundane things. A single added x at the end of a message can make your heart flutter. But its not real, its just a game.

Intimacy builds quickly in this situation, I reckon because its easy to type risky words and hit send. You dont have someone looking in your eye, and you dont see their reaction.

You dont get anything from him but short messages, so youve got to interpret and fill in the gaps yourself, so most of how you feel about this guy has been built up inside your own head. If youve ever met someone that youve only chatted to online, you know they usually seem very different to their online persona, and so it is with texts. We dont portray the real us, even if we want to, as how we come across is all down to the interpretation of us the other person has.

It is, and always has been, something fun and frivoulous to do when you are bored with real life. If it wasnt, it would have moved into your real life before now. It didnt for a reason. You describe being busy with life, and this guy was a safe way of getting romantic kicks without having to do any 'real' relationship homework with him.

I say allow him to slip out of your life, with the added distance between you. It sounds like it was only ever was a feel good text message service between you both. You dont need distractions like that, and neither do any future partners of yours.

LegacyUser

Thanks guys for the responses, it's so helpful to get feedback as this is something I'm finding hard to broach with friends - it just sounds so crazy it's sort of embarrassing!

Rufus - we won't have a chance to meet before I leave as he is in America and won't return until after I leave for Canada. I half-jokingly asked him to visit me in Canada and as he's recently been to, and loved, the city I'll be living in, he said he might just think about it...but then the past two years of texting haven't exactly been fruitful so I don't know whether or not to take that with a pinch of salt.

And Katgurl, you've no idea how helpful your post was. I can completely relate to your experience. Texting this guy is definitely like an addiction to me at this stage - I haven't heard from him in three days now and I swear I nearly felt like I was losing my mind for the first day of it! Every time my phone beeps I'm hoping it's him, it's really getting ridiculous at this stage.

I've always had the feeling that this guy is a player - he's completely honest about other girls he sleeps with and he's not short on action. He's a good looking guy too and a complete charmer and he's told me that he's cheated on girlfriends in the past, which is a total no-no for me, so I'm not even sure that anything meaningful could happen for us even if the attraction was there in real life and circumstances weren't against him...and yet I can't get him out of my head.

As you described, I don't have to deal with this guy's faults etc so it's not based on anything real...texting him really is like a break from reality and something of a holiday. Maybe it's that that I'm addicted to...I'm not short on hobbies and have a full life outside of him so it's not as if he's just a crutch...it's just that the longer we text, the deeper I seem to 'feel' for him and he seems to be reciprocating those feelings. We've been completely honest with each other about what we feel about each other, but it just doesn't seem to have any standing in reality. How could it when we haven't even managed to meet in the two years we've been texting??

To be honest I don't want to stop texting him. Maybe I get a bit of a buzz out of the texts, just having someone texting sweet and charming (and sometimes filthy!) things to me gets me giddy and it's sort of filled the void during the single periods that I've had since I've known him. I dunno, maybe it's an ego boost, for both of us and I'm not sure how healthy that is but it something that is certainly very addictive.

And to be honest it's always been me putting off the chance to meet - it's either been work or the fact that I've not been single at the time and of course now it's not going to be physically possible. Maybe that makes it a bit more exciting...

I've often wondered as well if it has something to do with the fact that I am a bit of a commitment-phobe. The past few relationships I've had have ended because work has always come first and I've allowed things to fizzle out with both guys and not really make an effort to salvage things. With this guy, it's like I've got a few of the nice parts of a relationship, with zero commitment and zero contact!

Messed up indeed...! Thanks again for the insight

shebango

Hey there.

I was in a similar situation to you. I was messaging a guy for 6 months and all the 'feelings' happened as a result. I too thought I was a bit of an eejit for doing it. And he felt the same.

We decided to meet and have been going out ever since. That was a year and a half ago. We have not been without our share of extreme highs and lows. Lots of trust issues etc as we are long distance at the moment. But we are in love.

Look - if I were you, I would say to him to meet. At least if you meet and he's a d1ck, then you won't be inclined to text him anymore and it will fizzle.

If you meet and you guys click, then who knows what could happen?

To continue as you are is not a good idea in my opinion. You have not been able to maintain a healthy relationship as you were texting this guy throughout them all. If you are planning to still text him for the foreseeable future, then you're denying yourself the possibility of a relationship with someone else.

Bite the bullet and meet up.. Just so you can get your head straight. I presume you'll be home for a visit at some stage so you can organise it then. Just both be clear on the fact that you do definitely intend to meet up.

From my experience, it had gotten to a point of make or break with my guy. Either we met up or we cut contact. We actually agreed to cut contact initially but then decided to meet up as we missed the contact.

Do what's best for you but I don't think continuining this as is, would be the best course of action for you.

Good luck.:)

LegacyUser

Oryx, that's exactly what I needed (although don't really want) to hear. I know it's fiction and has no basis in reality, and I know that texting someone is a staggered form of contact - which can be manipulated and manufactured to allude to some sort of a connection that may have no standing in reality.

We seem to 'bounce' off each other via text, but then we're both quite articulate, word things similarly, joke about the same things etc...probably as you said, adjusting our texts to suit one another.

But the thing is, while I can see all this, it seems to have gone on for far too long for me to be able to just stop all contact and stop thinking about him and the fact that I haven't met him means I have free reign in my imagination to envisage a multiple of fantastic scenarios. I think a lot of this is rooted in our respective overactive imaginations tbh.


Shebango - glad it worked out for you!

You're definitely right that I need to put an end to this by either deciding to end all contact or by deciding to meet up. I can't take the headfcuk much longer to be honest, it's really messing me up.

Both of us agree that we need to meet up, and that's definitely the way I want this to go, but at this stage I don't even know if I'll be back for Christmas - I've literally booked a one-way flight and fundage is a bit low, so a meet-up could be as far as a year away. I can't take another year of texting like this, I will lose my mind!

Also in the last three weeks I've met a really, really great guy who I've been out with a few times - it obv can't really go anywhere as I'm leaving so soon, but I've felt that even if I was sticking around, it would never even get the chance to get off the ground because my little text friend is as present as ever and it prevents me from focusing all my attention on someone new, once again. I really don't want this to become a pattern, it's self-defeating and not fair on anyone.

I've just deleted his number to prevent me from texting him again. He may well be in contact in the coming days as he always is (tbh that's what made it so easy to delete his number...seriously someone just shoot me and put me out of my misery!!) but I'll have a new Canadian number soon and he's not going to be able to contact me then unless I give it to him. Here's hoping I'm strong enough to do the right thing.

God, it just seems so terrible to cut him out of my life without knowing what could have been. But at the moment the only alternative is to head over to Canada with this guy on my brain and have him indirectly F%$# up further chances I have at relationships because I can't move on from the idea of him.

Thanks again for all input. I think I just need to write this all down so I can see how much of a negative impact it's having on me at this stage.