Friend always used

LegacyUser

OK, so, I have a friend here who's originally from Thailand. Without wanting to generalise too much, I know their culture is different to ours and its sort of seen as 'essential' there to have a man. She came over here after marrying an irishman but that fell apart after a couple of years. She's still officially married but desperately trying to find another man. I'm not being mean but she really is so desperate. She throws herself at guys, goes home with them and then gets upset when it doesn't turn into a relationship. I can't even really blame most of the guys for using her, several of them have been mutual friends and are good guys and told her that nothing more was to come of it, and she still literally dragged them to bed saying 'yea yea sure, just one night' and then got upset the next day and she usually goes around slagging off the guys and acting like a victim which I don't think is really fair.

She also insists on calling flings 'relationships', like she met one guy who she dated for about a week and changed her Facebook to 'in a relationship' and then she was devastated when he moved on cos he was just after a bit of fun. She doesn't get that she's just too easy and available which is offputting, and then if she does get a boyfriend, shes so clingy that it scares them away. She starts talking about marriage and kids and texting them 50 times a day. How can I get through to her that she's just going about it the wrong way? Shes a very good looking girl and a nice person and i think if she stopped acting like a bunny boiler, she'd have a lot more success. But when I try to tell her that she thinks I'm jealous of her good looks and that she gets so many men (but the latter i dont see as a good thing!) What can I do?

LegacyUser

Be careful! I had a friend like this and she took offence to my well meant advice and we no longer speak. Should have left her to it.

davmol

Whats her number?

Silverfish

davmol banned for a week, offtopic and unhelpful posting.

Trier

Show her that post?
Write her a letter containing about that info?...
Insisting on explaining she's not happy like this and has no chance to be... That you have her wellbeing at heart and that it's maybe time to try something else to reach her objective. (It's a way of being pragmatic as well, so that she realises that even her obsession is not the problem...yet but the way she deals with it...).

username123

Im not really too sure why you want to tell her any of this at all. Without being harsh, why is it any of your business how she conducts her personal relationships with men? Is it just that it annoys you? IfI were you I wouldnt be saying anything unless she was asking for advice. I dont really see how her behaviour is anything to do with you otherwise. You want her to behave how YOU think she should behave (and you may well be right and she is being silly etc....but her behaviour is her call unless she is hurting someone else with it).

Id leave it - but I wouldnt enable it going forward (you probably dont judging by how you seem to feel about her behaviour).

coolcat63

I think you need to get one of your mutual male friends (the most tactful and preferably one she hasn't slept with!) to explain, gently, that men prefer an independent woman with a well-rounded personality rather than a sex goddess (don't they?!) and that while 'easily available' women might be seen as very attractive to visiting tourists in Thailand it's not seen as a desirable quality for a long term relationship. You could then vigorously agreed with him

kjl

How about you stay out of her life. If she wants to sleep with loads of guys that her prerogative. TBH it does seem to me like you are a bit jealous.

I am willing to wager that she will end up in a happy new relationship with someone that likes her and will end up happy as Larry. You say she is devastated, but clearly she is able to move on quickly.

Millicent

kjl wrote: »

How about you stay out of her life. If she wants to sleep with loads of guys that her prerogative. TBH it does seem to me like you are a bit jealous.

I am willing to wager that she will end up in a happy new relationship with someone that likes her and will end up happy as Larry. You say she is devastated, but clearly she is able to move on quickly.

How did you get that from her post? As the OP describes it, her friend is becoming increasingly promiscuous and it's causing her friend untold pain. That's nothing to be jealous of.

OP, is there anyone else who can talk to her about her behaviour that she won't take offence at?

Ickle Magoo

You have two choices, you can tell her how you feel and what you see and hope she takes it the right way or you can keep shtum and it will keep annoying you and your friend will probably keep being used.

I'd probably say something - at least you will have done your friend duty and been honest, if she chooses to throw it back in your face or get offended then just leave her to it.

Best of luck.

there is nothing you can really do i know how you feel its like watching a slow car crash but it is HER car crash not yours !! i guess be there for her but bear in mind this might get tiresome .

kjl

kjl wrote: »

How about you stay out of her life. If she wants to sleep with loads of guys that her prerogative. TBH it does seem to me like you are a bit jealous.

I am willing to wager that she will end up in a happy new relationship with someone that likes her and will end up happy as Larry. You say she is devastated, but clearly she is able to move on quickly.

Jealous of someone who gets used for sex then dumped, time and time again? Where do people get these ideas? A woman is concerned about another woman being promiscuous and getting hurt and it must be jealousy? What's there to be jealous of?

kjl

Hmmm, that she can get the guys in the first place. That she has all these men coming on to her. This is the Asian was, they are very focused on finding a man, and believe me their patience pays off, they normally end up with a great guy feeding them money. Which is all she wants, security.

You may think I'm generalising, but I know a lot of Asian girls

Millicent

kjl wrote: »

Hmmm, that she can get the guys in the first place. That she has all these men coming on to her. This is the Asian was, they are very focused on finding a man, and believe me their patience pays off, they normally end up with a great guy feeding them money. Which is all she wants, security.

You may think I'm generalising, but I know a lot of Asian girls

It may be the Asian way but it's obviously not working for her while she's in Ireland. Who says the OP can't get guys? Just because she doesn't believe in dropping her knickers for every interested male, does not mean the OP is jealous or can't get a guy and it's bloody presumptuous to assume otherwise. The OP's friend's behaviour is not healthy if she is so desperate that she is sleeping with everyone. I would be concerned about any friend who was doing the same.

kjl

kjl wrote: »

Hmmm, that she can get the guys in the first place. That she has all these men coming on to her. This is the Asian was, they are very focused on finding a man, and believe me their patience pays off, they normally end up with a great guy feeding them money. Which is all she wants, security.

You may think I'm generalising, but I know a lot of Asian girls

If I slept with all the guys who came onto me, I could be averaging about 10 men a week, easily. As could any woman who doesn't look like the back end of a cow, and even those who do would still probably rack up a good number. Any woman can 'get' guys to sleep with just be offering sex, the hard part is finding a decent guy and holding on to him. Any woman who thinks having sex with loads of men is an achievement is deluded, quite honestly. The fact none of them stick around should tell her something. Perhaps such women often do find that it pays off, but it seems like an awfully painful way to go about it.