Girl Looking For Friendship Only

ricardo1

I met a girl 7 months ago and fell head over heels for her. Problem is she wants friendship only. I told her what I wanted and she has made it clear that I would make her very happy if we remained friends only. Okay big deal this isn't strange or different to others where the feeling isn't mutual. But this girl wants to meet me at least once every week and when we meet we act like a couple madly in love ie she's very affectionate hands touching kisses on the cheek etc... She has told me, when I joked about having a gf she doesn't know about, that it would make her jealous. And now 2 weeks ago she told she has met someone! Told her I was a little sad. Told her all my feelings again. But it's not gonna be (no sparkle between us) She got upset that I wasn't pleased for her meeting someone and since then we've been just texting each other. She still wants to see me...
I don't know what to do
A Accept she's never gonna be a gf and carry on trying to be friends without any return in which case I'll be secretly miserable like I have been for 7 months
B Walk away and never see her again making me even more miserable because I'll miss her
C ?

ardinn

She's messing you around

Play it cool - act happy for her, pretend and make her believe you actually have a life and she will be more interested. Keep telling her you only sit at home thinking about her and she's laughing because she allready can have you whenever she wants - make yourself unavailable for a while - if she wants to meet up say "sorry going to ?? with the lads or cant 2nite i got a date" or whatever - even meet her but say you cant stay long - be a cool happy funny person and then rush off to your busy life schedule. She'll soon be calling more often!

Panthro

ohh man, get the hell away from that girl, seriously, shes nothing but a head wreck. Sure, she loves hanging out with you, and why wouldnt she, by the sounds of things you treat her like a princess, who wouldnt love having someone fall over themselves trying to please you.
You told her exactly how you feel, she didnt respond with a similar story, but still meets up and is all over you with the hugging and the whatnots? Imagine if it were the other way round and you did that to her? you would be the worlds biggest focker aver according to herself.
Look after number one in this situation-YOU.
She certainly isn't too bothered by the sounds of things.

You might find simiar stories over in the Personal Issues/Relationship issues threads, have a look there and see is there any similar story to your own.
And best of luck with it.

Hazys

Unfortuanately she doesnt like you in that way and its very unlikely to change.

So you need to figure out firstly if it is a real friendship, or is she using you because she likes the attention or are you just hanging in there at the remote possibility of something more? If you believe its option 2 or 3, say goodbye.

If its a real friendship, then you need to decide can you accept just being friends and get over the possibility of anything more? if not, say goodbye.

okioffice84

She wants to have it all her way. Kissing and hugging you and leading you on then selfishly getting upset when you're not happy about her new guy:rolleyes:

One way you can take control of the situation is not to initiate contact with her again, let her do that if she wants to- and for god's sake don't do the lovesick puppy in front of her, it will probably boost her self-esteem by the sounds of it.. Don't text her and sit waiting staring at the phone hoping for a reply. Just get on with your normal thing, put yourself in the driving seat.

And good luck, we've all been there.

sam34

i'm going to move this to PI as its more suited there

katie99

ricardo1 wrote: »

I met a girl 7 months ago and fell head over heels for her. Problem is she wants friendship only. I told her what I wanted and she has made it clear that I would make her very happy if we remained friends only. Okay big deal this isn't strange or different to others where the feeling isn't mutual. But this girl wants to meet me at least once every week and when we meet we act like a couple madly in love ie she's very affectionate hands touching kisses on the cheek etc... She has told me, when I joked about having a gf she doesn't know about, that it would make her jealous. And now 2 weeks ago she told she has met someone! Told her I was a little sad. Told her all my feelings again. But it's not gonna be (no sparkle between us) She got upset that I wasn't pleased for her meeting someone and since then we've been just texting each other. She still wants to see me...
I don't know what to do
A Accept she's never gonna be a gf and carry on trying to be friends without any return in which case I'll be secretly miserable like I have been for 7 months
B Walk away and never see her again making me even more miserable because I'll miss her
C ?

B. so sorry. But you have to walk away. You are really into her and she is not into you except for friendship. She may be a little confused at the mo and not sure what she wants, even though she met someone.
But until she sorts her self out you are better off without her, and not be in contact with her.
The fact she has flirted with you and then only wants to be friends is ridiculous, immature and juvenile. And the fact she told you she met someone else is equally baffling. What did she expect you to say, given you told her how you feel about her?

No this girl needs a wide berth until she cops on and learns how to treat guys properly. If you remain in contact you will end up more miserable than you are now and will, effectively, become a doormat for her.

ricardo1

I'm reversing the situation and thinking... if I new a girl who I was very fond of but did not want to go out with what would I do if she told she had feelings and will you go out with me? Okay I've been there before and again I would spell it out and write it in black and white there's no way I'm interested in a relationship I'm really sorry but it's not gonna happen! Nothing different from this situation but there's no way in a million years I would continue to see her on a weekly basis and tell her seeing you this often would make me very happy!! Walk away and say good luck that's what you do...

By the way she texted me three hours ago to say why I hadn't called to meet up today Wednesday our normal day meeting up. Are you busy in work? And I'm a little sick with the flu...
Taking some advice from above by texting back to say out with friends all day hope you get better soon talk later...and good night!

MRBEAVER

Walk away. Being "friends" with this girl will suit her but make you miserable. Cut contact and you will get over her.

LegacyUser

She's using you OP. Probably not intentionally or maliciously mind, but she is using you. You're a convenient, safe and easy source of affection - a pet without the maintenance, or a boyfriend without the emotional intensity and commitment.

As per others' advice, walk away. Being anything more than arms-length acquaintances with someone you fancy who doesn't reciprocate is a really bad idea. It'll cause you endless stress, and it's not fair on the other person either. Problem is, it's not a real friendship - it's some kind of pseudo-relationship you maintain with someone you want to have a real relationship with, and on their end they're trying to be friends with someone who doesn't see them as a friend. "Friendship" based in those circumstances isn't real and it isn't especially healthy.

Best walk away and chalk this one down to experience - it's not the end of the world. This kind of thing happens to most folks a few times I reckon, until you get the hang of it and learn how not to get into these situations.

Eve_Dublin

This girl is a nob-jockey. I save that expression for special ocasions like this one. She doesn't give a damn about you or your feelings OP. She is a truly selfish person. Walk away with your head held high and hold on to your dignity.

ricardo1

Okay walk away is what everyone is telling me but it's not easy walking away from a girl who makes you laugh, who you feel comfortable with and makes your heart skip a beat when you think about her in the middle of the afternoon.
But I think you're right I have been used for seven months and didn't realise it!!!
So how do I walk away? Do I not return her phonecalls answer texts (this is horrible did it myself to someone and also had it done to me)
Or do I meet her and tell her? And how do I tell her?
I kinda want the door to remain slightly open so that if she did ring me six months later after things had gone sour she would say (xxx I want you) Of course I'm not gonna be waiting around six months twiddling my thumbs and hopefully will have another partner at that stage! I still want that option....

MRBEAVER

Just be straight with her. You have done nothing wrong and the situation is clear. Tell her that your feelings for her are such that you cannot continue with a platonic pseudo friendship but that she should contact you again if ever she changes her mind. Then try to forget her and move on. She won't like it but her behaviour is appallingly selfish and unfair to you.

LighterGuy

Op, everyone in this thread so far has said she is using you.

+1.


This girl has used you. Do not be friends with her. She wants you in the sidelines for an ego boost when ever needed.

ricardo1

NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
I'VE BEEN USED FOR 7 MONTHS AND I'M THE BIGGEST DUMBASS FOR LETTING IT HAPPEN
I'm no longer miserable I am now fuming!!!!!
Everything I believed and thought has now gone out the window....

Taltos

Try not to get too angry - otherwise when you lash out - you will be the baddie...

Instead be happy you did not waste another 7mts - or worse as some other threads here.
Keep it civil - but stop pandering to her weird ego.

You will get past this - no matter how crap you feel.

ricardo1

ricardo1 wrote: »

NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
I'VE BEEN USED FOR 7 MONTHS AND I'M THE BIGGEST DUMBASS FOR LETTING IT HAPPEN
I'm no longer miserable I am now fuming!!!!!
Everything I believed and thought has now gone out the window....

I'm angry with myself for allowing this to happen.
Not angry with her... Never could be I just can't stop thinking about her Thats why I need help here folks. This stuff muddles your head and I need a little direction and past experiences would be helpful....

AnnyHallsal

Treat it like a break-up and create as much distance as possible. Otherwise you'll continue to be confused by affection, mixed messages etc. And probably hold yourself back from being interested in other girls.

LegacyUser

Hey ricardo. Six months ago I fell for a girl-friend who decided to "just be friends" after a few dates. But "friends" who hang out once or twice a week, curling up on the couch together, kissing and cuddling and even sleeping together! We would talk into the early hours of the morning, had loads in common, made each other laugh, were physically attracted to each other, etc. etc. even planning weekends away together! I'd never felt that chemistry before.

BUT she didn't want to label the relationship. She wanted to see other people, she only saw me when it suited her and she wanted to keep me a secret from her friends (who weren't happy with how she was treating me). She was going through a hard time in her life so I gave her the benefit of the doubt. But I could only deal with the mental anguish this all brought for about a month. I told her that I could not continue like this (assuming she liked me enough to turn it into a proper relationship) but she simply dismissed my feelings preferring to keep things as they were. And why not? I was her cute little puppy that always came when my name was called!

So I stopped arranging to see her and initiating contact. She was upset but moved on to someone else she had lined up! Eventually we met up to talk and I realised she actually couldn't understand what she had been doing wrong. Once I explained it to her she apologised again and again saying she did really like me. But despite my feelings, I could not / would not pursue someone who showed such selfish disregard for me.

My confidence was shot. I couldn't stop thinking about her. Couldn't sleep. I tried to keep up cordial contact with her. However, my heart would wrench whenever I got a text from her or saw her around. My feelings for her did not start to die-off until I cut complete contact. I blocked her on facebook so that I would not be tempted to look at her page, deleted her number and all her texts. It was time for me to be selfish. Thankfully she got the message and eventually left me alone.

I've relied heavily on friends and family (and reading boards). Discussing my thoughts with the trusted people around me (and even a random group of girls one night - great to get perspective). I was unhappy, angry, depressed, self pitying, self concious, and spent a lot of reflecting on what I could have done different. But time apart from her, making my own life busy, spending time with friends, and meeting other girls has helped me move on. All the typical break-up advice really.

I'm still working on it. If and when I see this girl again, I will probably be reminded of the feelings I had for her. If I see her with another guy I know I will be jealous. But that's life. We've all been there. We learn from the experience and use it to move onto better things.

Good luck

ricardo1

Thanks for that I know the feeling.
So much similarity with our two stories. I was also a secret friend. Had to give a missed call on her phone just before I picked her up from her house. When I was at where her family home is (it's quite a distance from here) we at the very most (her decision) could just have a meal in a restaraunt instead of spending a day together as good friends would.
All her friends never new she was meeting me every week or calling over to my place.
But I've been thinking so much clearer over the last 5 days and as one poster said wake up and smell the Kenco! and that I have.
I've already begun the cutting contact process by deleting her number all texts sent and received.
I agree the posts here have helped immensely.
Unfortunatley my friends didn't know or weren't able to tell me like yourself that you've been used like a little pet.
One side of me wants to meet her just once more to tell her what she might or might not realise she was doing wrong and get an apology and then the other side nevers wants to meet her again. Thankfully this is my only dilemma and is a lot better than the one I felt I had two weeks ago.

LegacyUser

Just wanted to say fair play to you!!!

That's the quickest I've ever seen an OP go from:
- I really like her but she just wants to be friends

to

- jaysus how did I not see that she was completely using me?

to

- cutting contact completely.

Man you handled that perfectly! Granted she had you blinded for 7 months but once realization dawned you got your head in order and did everything right. I would say don't bother meeting up to explain it to her, if she's as selfish as she sounds she wouldn't accept anything you were saying anyway. I'd say you'd end up frustrated and headwrecked.

You will feel pants about it for a while but you're making great progress so keep it up!

ricardo1

Thanks previous poster for that. I compiled a list of what she did and how she treated me and then it all became clearer. Listening to the following song sums her up!!! No more adios and good luck!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BYE4CVhVkhw&feature=channel

foxyboxer

Remember the scene in The Godfather part 2, when Kay discreetly visits her children in Michael Corleone's compound?

Kay is caught just as she is leaving by a stony faced Michael, their marriage has fallen apart and the look on her face suggests that there might be a chance for a reconcilliation.

As Michael motions towards her she thinks he has had a change of heart, but instead he simply closes the door in her face. The simple, devastating act causes Kay to breakdown in tears.

That is a good metaphor for you to keep in mind. Keep the emotion out of it and coldly break all ties from the 'Friend Zone'

HavingCrack

I always wonder why this scenario happens to men so much more than women. I'd honestly love to know why because it seems every second PI is about a guy who fancys a girl who only sees him as a friend.