Feeling perturbed

LegacyUser

Need a few viewpoints on this please,

I am married the last three years & with my wife just over 5 years now, i had a dream about her that unsettled me a little & these things dont usually get to me but i examined in my head my committment to her in comparison to my past relationships & concluded that she is definetly the person i have ever felt the strongest draw to & love for.

I asked her the same question out straight whether or not there was anything significantly more to her feelings towards me than any other guy she had been involved with in her past & she wasnt exactly quick to respond, she initially countered it by asking me did i feel strongly towards my ex in comparison to what we have, answering a question with a question i find is a little defensive. now the thing is with me & my wife is we wont bulls.hit each other about anything, she did say that she felt that we did have something special because we are married & she felt that she really wanted to be married to me.

Now the thing that is bugging me on top of her hesitation & immediatley countering with the same question before offering an answer is that she has a box of old stuff containing letters, cards & phootos of her with ex boyfriends & i have asked her in the past to get rid of them as we have made a life committment to each other but she refuses.

Now this really hurt me at the time & it is now rolling around my mind to the level of committment, love, attraction she feels towards me & whether or not im just another guy that she does feel in love with but will not attach any more significance to than anyone else she has previously been with.

Am i analysing the situation to much & what do you think regarding the holding on to old ex's photos etc??

LegacyUser

Well you really pointed out the obvious.....Yes i do feel a little insecure hence the title of the post 'Feeling preturbed'. To add to this also i without hesitation dumped all old pics, letters, card etc of any ex i had gladly as i feel i have found someone i wish to stay with for the rest of my life. I have no need whatsoever to hold onto things like that & would hardly call it controlling to feel a little upset over it anyway your entitled to your view.

fungun

Unrequited? wrote: »

To add to this also i without hesitation dumped all old pics, letters, card etc of any ex i had gladly as i feel i have found someone i wish to stay with for the rest of my life. I have no need whatsoever to hold onto things like that.

hmm, i have stuff like that. they are memories of nice times.

you sound like you really want your wifes exclusive love and seem to find it difficult that she has loved others.....this is unreasonable. At different stages in our lives we have different types of loves and its difficult to compare these. I spent more time during the days with some exes than my wife cos i was in college and i could....i still have photos of her and i, have lovely memories of those times and i sometimes will look at those photos and smile. But they are memories. Im with my wife and would not change this.

Could i compare these accurately? its difficult to say. The big difference is I hae chosen my wife, did not choose them, that should be enough.

If you are trying to convince yourself think of this - You and your wife will have a reln that she is trying to grow throughout the years that she did not choose with the others, and the yeas of shared experiences and dealing with stuff (kids, family, house etc) develops levels to your reln that she will have never had with someone else. So yes, you will have lvels to your reln that he has not had with someone else.

metrovelvet

sunflower27 wrote: »

And it isn't a 'little controlling'. It's very controlling to tell hert to throw them out!

It's like retrograde jealousy, a strange impulse to master history.

Why does this bother you OP? Does it remind you that love fades?

LegacyUser

Thanks for your response fungun,

I never in the 5 years we are together had any feelings of jealousy or posseiveness or anything like that apart from feeling upset at her wanting to keep old photos of Boyfriends, when i had this dream recently it just simply stirred emotion in me as to whether or not the level of feeling is reciprocated.

I think i know deep down what you said is actually how i feel also but hey im only human.

Cheap Thrills!

Unrequited? wrote: »

Well you really pointed out the obvious.....Yes i do feel a little insecure hence the title of the post 'Feeling preturbed'.

Yes but the author of your own misfortune is none other than yourself. YOU are way over analysing things. Your wife loves you as she loves you. In HER own way. You seem to see fit to 'quiz' and 'test' her and then ruminate on the answer and whether it pleases you.

Unrequited? wrote: »

To add to this also i without hesitation dumped all old pics, letters, card etc of any ex i had gladly as i feel i have found someone i wish to stay with for the rest of my life.

Well that was YOUR decision. It wasn't required. You seem to be holding yourself up as an example of 'perfect love' and baffled and irritated that your wife does not automatically follow suit. She does not have to copy everything you do. AND if you keep testing her she will rebel eventually.

Unrequited? wrote: »

I have no need whatsoever to hold onto things like that & would hardly call it controlling to feel a little upset over it anyway your entitled to your view.

Listen, you shouldn't have destroyed your things. But it was your decision. You are being controlling. Maybe you've had a blind spot about it and it's news to you but we are giving you objective opinions here. Opinions you asked for. It's upsetting to learn an uncomfortable truth about ourselves but in this case you can use it to improve your relationship. All you simply need to do is accept your wifes love for what it is.

Fretting and feeling insecure are natural feelings but they are YOUR feelings. You need to deal with them internally and not take them out on your wife and her innocent actions and private thoughts. Relax.

tinkerbell

She married you. I think that says enough on her feelings for you.

However, I don't think it is right to keep old letters, photos, etc in a box of her ex-boyfriends. I find that disrespectful to be honest ...

metrovelvet

sunflower27 wrote: »

Well said.

We all hesitate at times when asked questions. It doesnt mean there has to be something sinister going on.

I really think you need to chill out and stop making mountains out of molehills. If you don't you are going to read negativity into situations without even realising it.

You don't 'own' your wife and you can't tell her to get rid of something because you are jealous. And you are.

You are blowing things out of proportion and the fact there was a slight hesitation in her answer has obviously brought up security issues and hence you wanting her to get rid of her past memories. It's unfair. You got rid of yours but that shouldnt be a pretence for her to have to do the same.

Also there may have been a slight hesitation in her reply because she was picking up on your disapproval. Not because she did anything to be ashamed of.

LegacyUser

sunflower27 wrote: »

And it isn't a 'little controlling'. It's very controlling to tell hert to throw them out!

Well i have to point out that you have mis quoted me there, i never said a 'little controlling' i said a little upset so you have completley changed the context of that part of my post you attempted to quote.

sunflower27 wrote: »

the fact there was a slight hesitation in her answer has obviously brought up security issues and hence you wanting her to get rid of her past memories.

Again if you read through my first post you will see that this was not as a result of what i discussed with her, this has been since we got married something i never liked & never will.

I have to say that you have demonstated twice that you post responses in a rectionary, unconsidered manner without fully taking the time to read & understand the context of posts & for that reason your assessment of the issue i presented is flawed & unreliable but thanks for the effort all the same.

sbsquarepants

tinkerbell wrote: »

She married you. I think that says enough on her feelings for you.

However, I don't think it is right to keep old letters, photos, etc in a box of her ex-boyfriends. I find that disrespectful to be honest ...

How is it disrespectfull? Because she's with someone new she should suddenly act as though no one else ever existed? If someone has a few photos or whatever of someone from their past, someone they possibly loved at the time, where is the harm?
In fact it is extremely needy and disrespectful to ask her to get rid of them, it's not like the girl has a shrine to past lovers or something, it's a few old photo's in a box! He has absolutely no right to tell her to dump them and she's quite right to tell him no!
And also, to start questioning your wifes commitment to your marriage based on a dream is nothing short of madness. Dreams mean nothing, absolutely nothing.

tinkerbell

sbsquarepants wrote: »

How is it disrespectfull? Because she's with someone new she should suddenly act as though no one else ever existed? If someone has a few photos or whatever of someone from their past, someone they possibly loved at the time, where is the harm?
In fact it is extremely needy and disrespectful to ask her to get rid of them, it's not like the girl has a shrine to past lovers or something, it's a few old photo's in a box! He has absolutely no right to tell her to dump them and she's quite right to tell him no.

She has a box of stuff containing old LETTERS, CARDS and photos. Why does she need any of these? To be nostalgic about her life back then? They broke up, so clearly the relationship wasn't that good in the first place if they broke up. I think it is very inappropriate to keep old letters and cards especially from an ex-bf. No doubt cards and letters would be all romantic n stuff, why does she feel the need to keep all that crap? She's married now, not a 15 yr old teenager.

As for the photos, well perhaps she wants to keep them because there are others in the photos, but I don't understand why she'd want to keep photos of just her and him, it's in the past, so it should be left there. Not in a box filled with things in her house.

I just think it is highly disrespectful and inappropriate. But it doesn't matter what I think. The OP is upset about it and his wife should not be keeping a box full of crap when it upsets the OP (and he is perfectly reasonable to be upset about it). I'm sure she would have a different opinion if her husband was keeping love letters and photos of his ex-girlfriends.

LegacyUser

Unrequited? wrote: »

I asked her the same question out straight whether or not there was anything significantly more to her feelings towards me than any other guy she had been involved with in her past & she wasnt exactly quick to respond,

I wouldn't be quick to respond if my husband asked me if I loved him more than anyone else. It is such an odd, bizarre question to ask. I married him, he is the one for me. I wouldn't have married him if he wasn't the one for me.

Your question springs from insecurity in your relationship and I'm not surprised your wife hesitated when answering....she must've been wondering where the question came from! If you think she doesn't love you the most and this is important to you, why on earth did you marry her?

BroomBurner

OP, you had a dream, you then took some time to think over your commitment and love and then expected your wife to answer straight away. Was it only you that deserved the time to think because it was your idea in the first place?

Tbh, you sound unhealthily insecure, and as another poster said, this may drive her to rebel.

Also, ignoring the entirity of sunflower's advice based on what you perceived was a mistake (it wasn't, she didn't quote you directly, I think it referred to another poster), is another indication that you should take a long, hard look at yourself. Why so dismissive of other people?

LegacyUser

BroomBurner wrote: »

Tbh, you sound unhealthily insecure, and as another poster said, this may drive her to rebel..

BroomBurner wrote: »

you should take a long, hard look at yourself.

Your two lines above isolated from the one post really wouldnt inspire me with confidence to heed advice from you, if you recognise (in your opinion) that a person is 'Unhealthily insecure' but then go on to say they should 'take a long, hard look at yourself' you are hardly going to fill them with confidence & offer a solution to the perceived insecurity but rather you will only compound that feeling further, Your armchair/matchbox Psychology is appreciated but unhelpful & counterproductive.

BroomBurner wrote: »

Also, ignoring the entirity of sunflower's advice based on what you perceived was a mistake ?

I didnt return a post outlining any mistakes until i recognised it was recurring (twice) which would lead you to beleive the poster is not considering your posts as they are being read, but are more replying in a reactionary way and not assessing the end result of advice carefully which again is unhelpful & counterproductive.

Cheap thrills replied in a similar enough vein on the first page to sunflower but that post did appear to offer a thought out & coherent response which i read & have taken on board.

Just to add, i would have to disagree with the assessment that i have a major insecurity, in the entire 5 years we have been together this is the first time i have actually felt i needed to question my wifes committment to me & if you are all telling me that you will breeze through life without even once feeling whether or not your current partner is 100% commited to you then i fear you are burying real & natural emotions that will fester & surface eventually. The bed we sleep in came from her old house which most likely her ex also had slept in but i am mature enough & not insecure at all to demand that we must get a new bed!

I will never like the fact that she keeps photos of her & her ex boyfriends as we made a committment to each other when we got married that it is just us two from here on in which i was able to say with my hand on my heart. Marriage is about two peoples committment to each other & if one has a genuine feeling that these are a thorn in their side it should be of concern to the other person also. Holding on to the past can be also unhealthy within a marriage.

Thanks for all your input on this whether it has been constructive or not.

sbsquarepants

Tinkerbell, i just don't see your point at all.
Only an extremely insecure person would be bothered by a bloody photo album, or an old letter or what have you. The expectation that your husband/wife or whoever should completely erase all evidence of their past, lest you should be reminded you aren't the only person they've ever gone out with is nothing short of bizzare, bordering on creepy in fact.
If a person chooses to dump their momentos, that's up to them, but nobody has the right to insist they do so. Just because a relationship ended doesn't mean it was time wasted and should be confined to the bin as quickly as possible. There must have been some happy times too.
I've been in 3 long term relationships in my life, that is 2 plus the one i'm in now. I'm sure there are photos and that in my house of my exes, i don't have a shrine, i don't sit gazing at them and wishing i had a time machine. The past is the past, those women are gone and i don't want either of them back and wouldn't have them back, even if they'd have me (which i'm sure neither would, but that's another story!:)) But i am absolutely damned if i would allow someone else to order me to dump them. Not a hope, and to be quite honest i would find the request insulting and more than a little bit pathetic, and it would have a seriously negative effect on they way i would view the person making it.

LegacyUser

Unrequited? wrote: »

, in the entire 5 years we have been together this is the first time i have actually felt i needed to question my wifes committment to me & if you are all telling me that you will breeze through life without even once feeling whether or not your current partner is 100% commited to you then i fear you are burying real & natural emotions that will fester & surface eventually.

When that happens, I'll question my partner on his commitment. However, I'd need something far more concrete than a dream before I'd doubt my partner.

Fox McCloud

Your seeing life as a quest to perfection whereas shes seeing it as a journey.
You dont sepend you life searching for the perfect set up and try your damnest to forget how you got there. You remember the first flat with rats, the boyfriend with the annoying guitar, the jobs that made you want to die of boredom, because they MADE you.

Your wife would not be who you fell in love with if she hadn't met those guys before you. She choose you because of her past experience with these guys, not in spite of them. If you cant get your head around this then I'm not sure its an adult woman you want to be with, its a blank slate who you want all to yourself.


Even the sunscreen song(the source for all my wisedoms ) says to keep your old love letters.. He speaks the truth!

sbsquarepants

Fox McCloud wrote: »

Even the sunscreen song(the source for all my wisedoms ) says to keep your old love letters.. He speaks the truth!

In all honesty, that song may as well have been written by buddha! I think we'd all do quite well if we lived our lives by that songs teachings!:D