How did you come out?

cooltown

How did you come out?
I'm going to have to do it someday and I don't know how I will ever be abble to do it. I have really homopobic parents and I don't know how I will ever be able to do it!

L1011

Drunkenly.

AssaultedPeanut

In various stages......

...to different people at different times I mean, it wasn't a big song and dance or anything. Very boring

anotherlostie

I actually can't remember who I told first - friend or brother. Shows how important it is in the overall scheme of things...

I do remember telling my parents - Sunday evening at the dinner table and my Dad made a homophobic comment and I just slammed down my knife and fork and gave them the news and asked how did he think comments like that would have made me feel down the years (I was 30). Drama llama I was! And we did get over it but I know he'd prefer if I was straight (and sure I felt like that myself for a long time too until I got used to it being a fact of my life).

Heebie

The first person that I came out to was a girl who was hitting on my mercilessly.
She took the news very well, and we ended up being very good friends.
The second person I told was a friend that I wanted to mess around with.. and we did.
He was from a family that sent him to a shrink when he was caught messing around with one of his neighbours... and this shrink supposedly "cured" him. (He's still messed up to this day from what I can tell.)
Then.. the two of them hooked up, and while they were dating, they decided that my folks needed to know. .and knew that I wasn't ready to tell my folks.. so they did.
Immediately after they went to my folks house.. they came to see me at work and told me what they'd done.
I stayed out that night until well after I knew my folks would be asleep (driving past the house a few times to be sure.)
I carefully avoided my parents for about 2-3 months after that. I was terrified, because when I was about 11, my Dad had told me, "If I ever find out you're gay, I'll kick you out of the house."
Then, one day, I got home really late, with them waiting up for me and they said "We have to talk."
I was a bit surprised, because my Dad was fairly cool with it, and my Mum was the one who freaked out.
They asked me to go visit a psychologist.. who told me I was fine.. and they've both gotten used to it, and now they're OK with it. It took a few years.

MultiUmm

I decided one night kind of out of the blue that I'd tell my mam I was gay. Didn't know what to expect, she was shocked but grand about it. Told my brother and his girlfriend a few days later, I was kind of worked up like I was when I told my mam but they were completely fine too.
Still haven't told my dad for various reasons ... I was advised against it, but I think he kind of knows, although I'm not sure.

Eventually a few months later I was sick of hiding my sexuality from my friends, so I told 3 of my best friends and since then a few more people.

Looking back on it, I guess in a way I'm not fully out, as it's not exactly general knowledge at school. I'm afraid of any crap I'd get off people, lots of not so nice people in my year.

OP, you shouldn't feel under pressure from yourself to come out too soon, or feeling like you have to tell people. Wait till you're good and ready, think it over for a while before you do.
You say your parents are homophobic, how so? Did they make it clear to you that they were homophobic? I know how it is expecting the worst, it's completely normal to feel fearful about it. Granted, it mightn't be a bed of roses when you say to them "I'm gay" but ask yourself, do you feel better about them not knowing but being safe from any flak they'd give you, or do you feel better about them knowing and being shocked, upset, or any feelings they might get?

You're still their child at the end of the day. Sure, they might be shocked at the fact you're gay and maybe even angry, but once those feelings die down they could hopefully reflect on it and realise you're still the exact same person they raised. You might be surprised, they could have a better reaction than you'd expect.

Also, try not to think too far ahead into the future because you end up with this mind set of never being able to come out. Relax, wait until you feel confident enough to tell them or anyone else and give them some time to reflect on it. Once the initial feelings of shock die down they can hopefully try and come to terms with it and accept you.

Good luck OP, hope things work out alright for you in the long run.

cooltown

MultiUmm wrote: »

I decided one night kind of out of the blue that I'd tell my mam I was gay. Didn't know what to expect, she was shocked but grand about it. Told my brother and his girlfriend a few days later, I was kind of worked up like I was when I told my mam but they were completely fine too.
Still haven't told my dad for various reasons ... I was advised against it, but I think he kind of knows, although I'm not sure.

Eventually a few months later I was sick of hiding my sexuality from my friends, so I told 3 of my best friends and since then a few more people.

Looking back on it, I guess in a way I'm not fully out, as it's not exactly general knowledge at school. I'm afraid of any crap I'd get off people, lots of not so nice people in my year.

OP, you shouldn't feel under pressure from yourself to come out too soon, or feeling like you have to tell people. Wait till you're good and ready, think it over for a while before you do.
You say your parents are homophobic, how so? Did they make it clear to you that they were homophobic? I know how it is expecting the worst, it's completely normal to feel fearful about it. Granted, it mightn't be a bed of roses when you say to them "I'm gay" but ask yourself, do you feel better about them not knowing but being safe from any flak they'd give you, or do you feel better about them knowing and being shocked, upset, or any feelings they might get?

You're still their child at the end of the day. Sure, they might be shocked at the fact you're gay and maybe even angry, but once those feelings die down they could hopefully reflect on it and realise you're still the exact same person they raised. You might be surprised, they could have a better reaction than you'd expect.

Also, try not to think too far ahead into the future because you end up with this mind set of never being able to come out. Relax, wait until you feel confident enough to tell them or anyone else and give them some time to reflect on it. Once the initial feelings of shock die down they can hopefully try and come to terms with it and accept you.

Good luck OP, hope things work out alright for you in the long run.

Well U know my parents hate gay people for many reasons. We are from Cork and when Donal Og Cusack was on the late late show back in October my father made rude comments towards him and also if he is playing a match and he leaves in a goal my father goes on a rant of homopobic comments!
Also even when I was young id there was ever a gay couple on tv the abuse that would come out of him was awful.
One day we were somewhere I caan't remember where now as it's a few years ago. Two guys kissed in front of my dad and he started roaring at them get away from me you dirty fag*ots etc!
We were at a family wedding a few months ago. At this we found out my first cousin was gay. My father is the guys god father. My cousin was there with his boy driend and my father went get away from me I'm afraid I might catch something off you. Hee then went a whole rant to these guys about how they were wrong and a waste of spae before he spitted in their face!

Dark Artist

Myself and my mate went out to 'score girls' one Saturday and over the course of the night I got overwhelmed and upset by the whole situation. All the years of lying to myself came down on me in one moment and I broke down, so I told him and he was like, "So"?

That gave me the courage to tell everyone else. Absolutely no-one cared. Most people thought I was joking. My mum gave out to me for not telling her sooner.

TerrorFirmer

MYOB wrote: »

Drunkenly.

Actually that has some merit. Alcohol has the ability to persuade people to impart with a whole lot of knowledge, from 'I'm gay' to worldwide impactive speeches. Mirroring the reply of an individual above, the classic 'I'm Gay', isn't as cliched as it might seem. Several friends have come out in that manner, and the response has always been passive, mostly along the lines of 'so?'. Coming out isn't so bad, it's the unpredictable responses that are far worse. A good friend of mine came out after years of predicted homosexuality, after having a few drinks, and all we could honestly say, was, 'don't worry about it.

dory

I found gradually the way to go for me. Hints worked well. The whole no boyfriend thing/looking at gay websites/the old gay magazine lying around. Then the parents got a chance to digest it before they said something they may later have forgotten.

As for friends, I got drunk and off I went.

L.Jenkins

I don't know if this relates in any, but coming out as trans was the scariest thing ever. I told an American female friend over the internet and even though I used the internet, I was shaking. I was the same when I told my ex, but the were cool about it. I gradually told the rest of my friends excluding one because it's better in person.

I'm absolutely terrified of telling my family despite possibly getting some support.

rainbow kirby

Came out face to face to a lot of my friends, either over coffee or while drunk. The gossip network did the rest. :pac:

I was outed to my family by a friend of mine who got sick of me putting off coming out to them for so long (I waited over 4 years after coming out to my friends). Came home after a night's drinking, and my dad cracked a gay joke just after I walked in the door. I was too drunk to care so I just went to bed. The next morning, while I was hung over to bits and eating my breakfast, my mum sat down at the table and said "So your friend outed you last night. Worst kept secret ever, we've all known for years, we just didn't want to say anything. Absolutely nothing changes.".

After getting the "well duh" reaction from my parents, I do regret waiting so long, but I do also think that I wasn't really ready for them to know until relatively recently.

Epicurus

Came out about 4 years ago to the family. Had planned on doing it two years previous but their health wasn't up for it.

I wanted them to find out from me though and not anyone else. I was unsure how they would take it, had it all rehearsed in my head and I dont even remember what I said when I told them.

They said that they already kind of known and had often talked about it but its not spoken about since. Have had many family occasions where I could have brought a boyfriend but was not asked - and i have not made any issues about it as I dont want to rock the boat too much.

deirdre_dub

Coming out as trans is just a bit different - for one thing, I'm telling people that I'm going to actually end up looking differently. But on the plus side, I have to come out to everyone - my friends, my family, the shopkeeper, my dentist - everyone!

When did I come out? When I felt ready. Of course, I messed up the first few people I came out to - I still wasn't sure of myself, and that uncertainty came out in what I said.

How did I come out? The answer to that is different for the different people I came out to. One mistake I made was allowing a friend of mine tell a bunch of mutual friends - I now understand that the reason he did that was because he is grossly transphobic. I regret that I didn't give those friends the one-to-one treatment.

In general, I said just a very few words (I'm trans, I'm going through transition), and wait for the reaction. Different people have different needs when it comes to them hearing the news, so I wait and listen for whatever their needs are, and try and address them.

Good luck!

MultiUmm

cooltown wrote: »

Well U know my parents hate gay people for many reasons. We are from Cork and when Donal Og Cusack was on the late late show back in October my father made rude comments towards him and also if he is playing a match and he leaves in a goal my father goes on a rant of homopobic comments!
Also even when I was young id there was ever a gay couple on tv the abuse that would come out of him was awful.
One day we were somewhere I caan't remember where now as it's a few years ago. Two guys kissed in front of my dad and he started roaring at them get away from me you dirty fag*ots etc!
We were at a family wedding a few months ago. At this we found out my first cousin was gay. My father is the guys god father. My cousin was there with his boy driend and my father went get away from me I'm afraid I might catch something off you. Hee then went a whole rant to these guys about how they were wrong and a waste of spae before he spitted in their face!

Is your mam as bad? If you wanted to, you could tell her only and leave your dad alone for another while.

I've done that basically. Not great and far from ideal tbh, but it's better than neither of them knowing as I see it.

Also, if you have brothers or sisters they could be a lot more understanding than your dad, you could also try that.

greyed

Heebie wrote: »

knew that I wasn't ready to tell my folks.. so they did.
Immediately after they went to my folks house.. they came to see me at work and told me what they'd done.
I stayed out that night until well after I knew my folks would be asleep (driving past the house a few times to be sure.)
I carefully avoided my parents for about 2-3 months after that.

rainbow kirby wrote: »

I was outed to my family by a friend of mine who got sick of me putting off coming out to them for so long

Wtf is with people thinking its ok for them to tell your family?! Friends is one matter, but family is personal. ****ing strange.

L.Jenkins

No matter how well being outed goes, this is a serious abuse of ones trust that could have serious consequences for the person in question, so if it went well, I'd be liable to give that person the boot. If they could do that to you, what else would they be willing to do.

LegacyUser

cooltown wrote: »

How did you come out?
I'm going to have to do it someday and I don't know how I will ever be abble to do it. I have really homopobic parents and I don't know how I will ever be able to do it!

From my experience, don't.

Told them 1 and a half months ago and things haven't gotten any better.

Mam hasn't stopped crying since i told them.

Your parents might be grand about it but i really wish i hadn't have told mine. Life was much simpler beforehand.

Annasopra

TAB07ie wrote: »

From my experience, don't.

Told them 1 and a half months ago and things haven't gotten any better.

Mam hasn't stopped crying since i told them.

Your parents might be grand about it but i really wish i hadn't have told mine. Life was much simpler beforehand.

In time they will probably get over it - I know this sounds easy for me to say but parents can change over time - One of the most prominent opponents of decriminalisation is now very accepting of his gay son

also try and get your mum to go to support groups see www.lovingouroutkids.org

Aard

Telling friends is easy.


Telling parents is hard. I only told them once I had a steady boyfriend. My dad was also not the most homophilic, but not half as bad as yours, OP. I guess living in Dublin has its merits in that regard; there's a certain amount of "desensitisation" that goes with living in a big city. Having said that though, I don't think that they had ever even spoken to somebody they knew was gay.


They were awful at first. There was some reeducation involved on my part. "Devestation", sleepless nights, crying, anger, realisation that their son was sexually active...with a man!, etc.. The whole thing was just sh¡t.


Over the next year though, they realised that the sky wasn't falling in, and that the neighbours are too self-obsessed to care. They've met his parents, he's been over countless times, a couple of aunts and uncles (and even, for reasons unknown, my granny) have been introduced to him. He's often over when I'm not there to drop some stuff in. It's oddly normal.


He's probably as part of the family as my sisters future husbands will ever be.


tl;dr
Disastrous at the start, but gets better with time.



Also: sticky this thread. Please!

LegacyUser

Mine's fairly recent. I told my parents a few weeks ago. I suppose after spending months figuring it out for myself, I finally decided that I'm gay in the past few weeks. once I was 99% sure I decided I might as well tell them and get it out of the way. I was leaving after dinner and my dad asked me to help him with something before I went, I called my mam in and told the 2 of them standing in the middle of the tv room. My dad made a joke (I knew he was joking and I'm the least sensitive person, so I didn't mind, and he knew I wouldn't), My mother cried, hugged me and told me it was okay as if someone had just died. I was happy I told them, the seem happy too. The rest of the family will just be information seep. I don't want to have to go through telling the grandparents (as accepting as they'd probably be) for fear it might kill one of them off.

A few friends had already guessed as I had been openly bi with them and they hadn't seen any convinving female action in over 6 months, but there was one good friend I wanted to tell face to face because his brother had come out to his mother and let her tell the rest of the family which left a bitter taste. He was kind of upset that his brother would be scared of telling him, so he really appreciated being told face to face.

I still haven't told some of my closest friends because they live in different parts of the country and I want to tell them all as a group. Once I have them told I don't care who tells anyone, but that's me done with taking people aside and telling them, anyone else can ask if they want.

baby and crumble

Told my friends over the course of about a year... then after i managed to nab myself a woman I just woke up one day and decided to tell my parents... was very surreal. Told my Mum first, she thought I was going to tell her I was pregnant. :rolleyes: I told her as she was about to bite into a sandwich, poor woman nearly choked! Became a running joke though, anytime I said "Mam, I've something to tell you" she'd ask if it was a sandwich moment! Used to crack us up...

She told my Dad that night, it was just left for a while. Eventually it was broached, he told me that it was ok, he still loved me, but it wasn't something he'd ever be 100% comfortable with, but he wanted me to know it wasn't me he was uncomfortable with, which is fair enough in my mind. Over time then he chatted to Mam about it, and she told me he was proud of me for coming out and living my life the way that felt right to me, even if it meant my life might be made harder by other people because of it... I thought that was pretty cool.

GalwayGuy92

My experience with the parents was quite the opposite of most people's. I was wasthing the telly with the rents one night and I knew I was going to tell them that night so at around half eleven when mom popped open the white wine I decided ok not long now. Not long turned into 2 hours until the wine was gone. Conicidentally Europe's 'The Final Countdown' came on the music channel and I simply said "I have something to tell you and you're not gonna like it".

My mother guessed almost right away and dad was left sitting there with no idea what was going on. Then when I croaked out the words he was just shocked but fair play to the man all he said was "The important thing is we still love you and it will take a while to get used to it". My mother on the other hand thought it was the end of the world, balled her heart out and told me that I could never have any contact with children (gay=paedophile apparantly), but she got used to it I guess. Even recently she's begun asking my opinion on guys, subtly of course but still its nice to know she care even if it does make her stomach weak!

I told most of my friends individually but they were all great about it, I dont tell everyone because its really not any of anybody's business. I dont introduce myself as oh Im the gay friend. And my friends know not to regard me as such!

Links234

Usually drunk, sometimes with a lot of tears. other times, just over the internet.

Goodshape

I didn't like coming out much at all. I'm not a very "loud" person, particularly back then (about 5 years ago... in fact, could be five years this month!), and this seemed like a very loud thing to do -- something everyone is going to be interested in. I don't covet attention like that.

Initially I came out to a couple of good friends when we were traveling together for a year in eastern europe. And then a while later a few other friends back home via email or phonecalls. I had wanted to do it a few years beforehand but couldn't bring myself to, living in a wee town in Donegal.

Didn't really do much more than that in terms of telling friends. I didn't want to go around to everyone I know and "tell them the news". So I told the few not to make a big deal about it -- but not to treat it like a big secret either. Didn't take very long for the word to get around :P. Thankfully, I've never had any problems or negative reactions.


Parents... told my dad soon after I got back from my travels. He was more surprised / shocked than I thought he would be actually, but fine and supportive at the same time. Took me a few months to tell my mum for some reason (parents are separated, I was staying with my dad at the time). She took it a lot better than I was expecting! Seemed to think it was the best of craic actually :P


So no horror stories from me. I think the only person who needed reassurance and calming down was myself.. mostly everyone else were either happy for me or totally indifferent towards the whole thing. Who'd have thought.

LegacyUser

I've read a few negative experiences here, and I'll probably be lucky if I don't come across some myself at some point, but just as it's unfolding.

I told some more friends this week and they've been absolutely great about it. We had a little joke about how "safe" they were and how "offended" they felt about being "safe"

I feel now that I have a group of friends that would be really pissed off with anyone who takes issue with me being gay, which is the best outcome I could have hoped for. They were joking that now we have a gay in the group we'll ahve to keep adding minorities so that we become "untouchable". That kind of humour may not be to everyone's taste, but I found it helped with breaking the ice. There was absolutely no awkwardness at all.

One of our best friends was really homophobic when we were younger and I told them I wasn't looking forward to telling him. They were really supportive and told me that it was his problem if he didn't like it and that he'd just have to get used to it.

I've got a handful of people left now that I want to tell myself and the experiences so far have made facing that a whole lot easier.

LegacyUser

Friends have been supportive but it was funny telling my sister recently that I was gay. She had sort of suspected anyway and it was no big deal as she already has quite a few gay friends, afterwards she threw her own curved ball at me by announcing she was pregnant which helped to put the whole thing into perspective.
There is a snowball effect in coming out to people and it does get easier in time though in saying that I'm still working up the courage to tell my folks but one person at a tiime.
Another thing I noticed in coming out to friends particulary is the order in which you tell people as some get slightly mad when they find out that you've told them after other people; they don't seem to worried about what you have to say never mind the courage that it took to tell them in the first place but just want to be among the first to hear it from you directly.

Aard

patrixmc wrote: »

Another thing I noticed in coming out to friends particulary is the order in which you tell people as some get slightly mad when they find out that you've told them after other people; they don't seem to worried about what you have to say never mind the courage that it took to tell them in the first place but just want to be among the first to hear it from you directly.

I experienced this too. I guess it's just like any news-giving: others will see it as a pecking-order, whereas the person just says it when the time feels right.

Goodshape

Oh yeah, that was an unwanted side effect of my "tell a few and just let the word spread" technique. Definitely some friends who thought they should have been included in the initial few :-/.

They got over it eventually.

plein de force

one night out of the blue i said here, may as well tell dad, so i went to the sitting room and told him i had something to say, took me a minute to actually get the words out, when i did i literally felt like a huge weight was lifted off me that i never really knew was there. Dad was kind of quiet, shocked, then he asked some questions, told me he'll always love me no matter what and hugged me and our great relationship hasn't changed.

then the very next night i told my mam, not even a millisecond after i said "i'm gay" she said "ah that's fine" she, being typical her, asked a lot more questions than my dad, some very personal ones, she gave me advice on being safe, gave me some experiences of her old gay friends and hugged me, and again nothing changed between us.

it took a lot more courage to tell my only sibling, my older brother, for some reason, and yet again nothing has changed, we haven't spoken about it since, being gay is really a non-issue, one of his mates is gay too.

so, all in all, i've had a very good experience in coming out. i just put down about my family members because they're the big ones to tell