I'm so miserable

stupidusername

I don't even know where to start. I'm crying my eyes out because I have absolutely no one. I know everyone says there must be someone but there isn't. I have some family members but my relationships with them is so bad, they don't care. They just don't.

I can't seem to make friends. I don't know what it is about me. It isn't that I just haven't met the right people. It's me. and I can't figure it out, so I don't know how to change, or even that I want to. I like who I am in a lot of ways. It just seems I'm not meant to have friends. I'm in my mid twenties and I feel so worn out from everything.

I live with my ex, and am moving out, but I'm not even sure that's a good thing. because he's the only person I have in my life. And once I move I probably won't even talk to him anymore as he's moving away too. and then I've to live with strangers. which has always created huge problems. I just can't get on with people. And I can't afford to live by myself.

I want friends. I want to have people that care about me. And I miss having a boyfriend, someone to share things with, and someone I can care about, and someone that I've so much in common with.

I can't even get a job. Even if I could that's a whole other problem. I've IBS and it's created such a fear in me about having a sit-down job. and because it'd be in IT, I've to be considered smart enough to get the job, and I just didn't learn that much from my college course.

I don't do anything with my time. I just sit on boards all day. I don't have any hobbies. And I don't have the energy to do anything anyway.

I was thinking this morning the only reason I had to get out of bed was because I've an anti depressant to take, and it has to be after food. only for that I would still be in bed. I actually don't have anything else to do with my time. except collect my dole.

In fact I know so few people that if I stayed in bed for days the only person that would even know would be my ex. I don't even want to go to my counsellor tomorrow. I know everyone will say I should go cause I need to talk, but I've been going for a couple of months now and I'm not getting anywhere. I don't solve anything, or figure things out. I'm not even comfortable talking to her about things, I HATE crying in front of people. I look awful.

I want people in my life who care about me. It's been so long since I had people who I could've considered 'friends' that I don't even know what it's like anymore.

Daisy Steiner

You poor thing. That is an awful lot to cope with for sure. Is it long since you and your partner split up?

Do you do much exercise? Forgive me for presuming, but it sounds like you spend a lot of time indoors and that is no good for anyone.

Would you consider travelling yourself? It sounds like you don't really like where you are living and you are a free agent. It would be great if you could enjoy life a bit more.

I've been to some fairly dark places myself, I've lost/grown apart from many of my friends and have a bit of trouble making new ones. I'm slightly older than you are. I've let myself fall into debt because of being so down.

I've been seeing a counsellor since Oct '09, and hand on heart I can only see a positive difference resulting from it in the last couple of months. However, for me, the changes are fairly massive! Stick with it if you can, it may take a while but some day things might just click for you.

About the crying thing, absolutely nobody looks good crying. Crying is cathartic and can help you feel better.

Hope you start to feel better soon op. .

Zeouterlimits

Why did you grow apart from your friends you've had before (assuming you have)?
What things are you interested in? Are you in any clubs or volunteer groups?
Why not join? That's how I've met alot of friends. Built through achieving a common goal.

jessiejam

you poor thing.
Horrible way to feel

It might be worth a trip back to the doc for a chat and maybe to re-access your meds as you do sound really fed up. He might know a different councellor, or someone else who can help. There are so many treatments out there maybe you haven't found the right one for you just yet

Thats the first step.

Try stop beating yourself up, your going through a really rough patch at the moment, you've broken up with your BF, your trying to move house etc. these events in your life are amongst the most stressful things anyone has to deal with. Think about who you used to be and what you used to enjoy and focus on that. When were you at your happiest for instance, could you get back to where that was? You'd be surprised how that alone would give you a brighter outlook on life in general

Would you think about joining some sort of evening course or even doing some volunteer work? many people i know have met great friends doing this. i know that always seems to be the answer many people would give you, but it wouldn't be advised if it didn't work sometimes

Best of luck

chin up
The only way from here is up xx

LegacyUser

Do you get out into nature at all?

The reason I ask is that anytime I am stressed or under pressure and can't deal with stuff, I sit on the beach or head to a forest park and appreciate that I am only a very small part of a bigger world - it keeps me grounded.

Turn off boards for a few days and start your day giving yourself a chance..... have a healthy breakfast, pop your pill and go sit in a field for an hour.

in my mid 20s I had one good friend. That has increased over the last 10 years but still, I'm single and there are times when friends don't call... that's life.

You say that you don't get on with people! Well, what are the things that cause this when you live with them - that might help explain the friends thing.

can you excersise with IBS - if so, get out and do some. It's the perfect way to increase energy.

Why not show this post to your counsellor? Try and come up with an objective from the session - as in, sit and figure out why you don't get on with people, talk about your fears of the possible job etc

stupidusername

Daisy Steiner wrote: »

You poor thing. That is an awful lot to cope with for sure. Is it long since you and your partner split up?

Do you do much exercise? Forgive me for presuming, but it sounds like you spend a lot of time indoors and that is no good for anyone.

Would you consider travelling yourself? It sounds like you don't really like where you are living and you are a free agent. It would be great if you could enjoy life a bit more.

It's about two months since we split. I don't do much exercise because I'm very low in energy a lot of the time, and in motivation. Don't like doing things by myself, and so it's hard to face it. which is why I really don't like the idea of travelling by myself either.

Zeouterlimits wrote: »

Why did you grow apart from your friends you've had before (assuming you have)?
What things are you interested in? Are you in any clubs or volunteer groups?
Why not join? That's how I've met alot of friends. Built through achieving a common goal.

I never really had proper friends. so it's like I've grown apart from anyone for any particular reason. I've fallen out with a few people who could maybe have been friends, but for various reasons.

I suppose I wouldn't mind the idea of volunteering for something. But what? I don't really have interests in much so I'm not sure what club would suit.

jessiejam wrote: »

you poor thing.
Horrible way to feel

It might be worth a trip back to the doc for a chat and maybe to re-access your meds as you do sound really fed up. He might know a different councellor, or someone else who can help. There are so many treatments out there maybe you haven't found the right one for you just yet

Thats the first step.

Try stop beating yourself up, your going through a really rough patch at the moment, you've broken up with your BF, your trying to move house etc. these events in your life are amongst the most stressful things anyone has to deal with. Think about who you used to be and what you used to enjoy and focus on that. When were you at your happiest for instance, could you get back to where that was? You'd be surprised how that alone would give you a brighter outlook on life in general

Would you think about joining some sort of evening course or even doing some volunteer work? many people i know have met great friends doing this. i know that always seems to be the answer many people would give you, but it wouldn't be advised if it didn't work sometimes

Best of luck

chin up
The only way from here is up xx

I haven't ever been happy, hence the meds I suppose. My doctor is a kn*b and I want to switch but just can't seem to find a female doctor that's accessible around here. I'm not even sure I have depression, I think it's just the way I am, so don't know if I should even be on these meds. The doctor I was going to switch to isn't back from maternity leave for a month.

I haven't ever enjoyed doing anything. I love animals, but I have looked into a few things but can't sort out any work that I can do there. There wasn't ever a time where things were better, only maybe a time when I thought things were better.

About the counsellor, I'm actually running out of things to talk about, because I've gone through everything with her, and it doesn't go anywhere.

jessiejam

you say you have never been happy, then its probably something deep rooted thats making you feel like this.

Ok how bout trying a psychotherapist, they are great, i went to one a few years back and I was suffering panic attacks over something completely different than what i thought.

Get the ol yellow pages out there and have a flick and ring a few, make sure they are legit, as i know there are people out there taking advantage big time.

I Paid €50 a pop about 5 years ago, tbh I would have paid him €500 a pop.
Keep looking till you find one that helps you. They are out there....

Zeouterlimits

stupidusername wrote: »

I suppose I wouldn't mind the idea of volunteering for something. But what? I don't really have interests in much so I'm not sure what club would suit.

I'd personally recommend St.Vincent de Paul, met so many kind and intelligent people there.
Or try looking here and here.

As for clubs, I'd try a hobby or sport new to you, like Frisbee.

Zen65

stupidusername wrote: »

I don't even know where to start.

Maybe you could start by asking yourself these questions, and share the answers with us, please?

Do you want to change?

Do you accept that you cannot change other people, you can only change yourself?

Do you accept that nobody here, and nobody "out there" can change you? Can you take responsibility for making the changes to yourself that are necessary to make your life better?

Do you think things were better when you were with your ex? How were they better? How were you better?


Don't rush in with your answers, think about this for a while, see what others have written here too, and then let us know what you think you want to change.

Although you may not believe it now, the world is a lovely place, but it offers very little reward or comfort to those who do not know how to seek it, or do not act to find it. We cannot solve any of your problems here on Boards, but we may be able to point you gently towards a path where you can see the things you want to change, and perhaps help you make some of those changes. The hard work, however, will be all up to you.

Be at peace,

Z

stupidusername

wlelelelleell wrote: »

Do you get out into nature at all?

The reason I ask is that anytime I am stressed or under pressure and can't deal with stuff, I sit on the beach or head to a forest park and appreciate that I am only a very small part of a bigger world - it keeps me grounded.

Turn off boards for a few days and start your day giving yourself a chance..... have a healthy breakfast, pop your pill and go sit in a field for an hour.

in my mid 20s I had one good friend. That has increased over the last 10 years but still, I'm single and there are times when friends don't call... that's life.

You say that you don't get on with people! Well, what are the things that cause this when you live with them - that might help explain the friends thing.

can you excersise with IBS - if so, get out and do some. It's the perfect way to increase energy.

Why not show this post to your counsellor? Try and come up with an objective from the session - as in, sit and figure out why you don't get on with people, talk about your fears of the possible job etc

I do get out into nature, hard in a city though. at the end of it though you still come back to the same life.
The problem I have with people I live with is things like having different ideas of how clean a house should be, and how often people should be allowed over and for how long.

jessiejam wrote: »

you say you have never been happy, then its probably something deep rooted thats making you feel like this.

Ok how bout trying a psychotherapist, they are great, i went to one a few years back and I was suffering panic attacks over something completely different than what i thought.

Get the ol yellow pages out there and have a flick and ring a few, make sure they are legit, as i know there are people out there taking advantage big time.

I Paid €50 a pop about 5 years ago, tbh I would have paid him €500 a pop.
Keep looking till you find one that helps you. They are out there....

If I could find someone to change to then I'd still have the problem of telling her I'm leaving. i feel she'd say I need to give it more time with her. what do i do then.

Zeouterlimits wrote: »

I'd personally recommend St.Vincent de Paul, met so many kind and intelligent people there.
Or try looking here and here.

As for clubs, I'd try a hobby or sport new to you, like Frisbee.

Thanks for the links.I am looking into doing something with a local group.just have to ring about it.

Zen65 wrote: »

Maybe you could start by asking yourself these questions, and share the answers with us, please?

Do you want to change?

Do you accept that you cannot change other people, you can only change yourself?

Do you accept that nobody here, and nobody "out there" can change you? Can you take responsibility for making the changes to yourself that are necessary to make your life better?

Do you think things were better when you were with your ex? How were they better? How were you better?


Don't rush in with your answers, think about this for a while, see what others have written here too, and then let us know what you think you want to change.

Although you may not believe it now, the world is a lovely place, but it offers very little reward or comfort to those who do not know how to seek it, or do not act to find it. We cannot solve any of your problems here on Boards, but we may be able to point you gently towards a path where you can see the things you want to change, and perhaps help you make some of those changes. The hard work, however, will be all up to you.

Be at peace,

Z

I don't know what I need to change. The only thing I can think of is how tolerant I am of people. I accept that it's me, I've said that. The reason I'm going to a counsellor is to figure out what about myself I'm happy with and what I'm not, but I just seem to have her saying I'm right the whole time.

Ave Sodalis

stupidusername wrote: »

I don't do much exercise because I'm very low in energy a lot of the time, and in motivation.

Are you sure you are not lacking in vitamins/ minerals?

I suppose I wouldn't mind the idea of volunteering for something. But what? I don't really have interests in much so I'm not sure what club would suit.

I haven't ever enjoyed doing anything. I love animals, but I have looked into a few things but can't sort out any work that I can do there. There wasn't ever a time where things were better, only maybe a time when I thought things were better.

You say that you have to move out. Have you considered moving to the country? I find animals the best way to destress and let go. Horses, for me, gave me a break through the hardest times in my life. But you could try volunteering in a dog kennel? Moving to a new town, you meet a different way of life and different types of people.

About the counsellor, I'm actually running out of things to talk about, because I've gone through everything with her, and it doesn't go anywhere.

Have you told her this?

kjl

Hi,

On the IBS thing, I have it too, and work is not an issue. I find that healthy diet and exercise get rid of all symptoms.

You should also avoid fatty food, and refined carbohydrates. Make sure you eat as much vegetables as you can. This provide you with roughage which eases the symptoms of IBS to almost none. Also drink plenty of water.

As for your life situation, I think you are making excuses. There is nothing stopping you from joining a class, or learning to scuba dive or doing something useful. Have you though about going back and doing a masters or joining FAS and getting some free classes. You are in a rut, and you need to shake yourself out of this and the first step is to get out of that house away from the ex. Make a clean break. Its not hard to make friends, just be yourself and be considerate and respectful to others.

Leilak

we all get down from time to time and l suppose the recession we are in dosen't help as you cant pick up a paper or turn on tv/radio only to hear yet more bad news..... its easy to molly coddle ourselves and thinking negatively wont get you anywhere, its important to get out of the house, away from the same four walls for awhile. Although you cant see it now in afew months if you take steps to take up a course or do some voluntary work,you can look back and think what great achievements you have made.

best of luck

Zen65

stupidusername wrote: »

I don't know what I need to change. The only thing I can think of is how tolerant I am of people. I accept that it's me, I've said that. The reason I'm going to a counsellor is to figure out what about myself I'm happy with and what I'm not, but I just seem to have her saying I'm right the whole time.

Either you have a poor counsellor (and good counsellors usually avoid terms like "right" or "wrong") or you are not really listening. I think that she probably has not told you that you are right the whole time.

So maybe I'll be devil's advocate here: You need to change. It's a choice of course, but your life is not going to get any better unless you change some things about the way you behave, and the way you think.

Have a read back over the things in this thread that you have posted, and ask yourself if there is a common theme coming through.

Be at peace,

Z

Zen65

stupidusername wrote: »

I like who I am in a lot of ways.

Here's an easy place to start:

What ways?


Z

stupidusername

Zen65 wrote: »

Either you have a poor counsellor (and good counsellors usually avoid terms like "right" or "wrong") or you are not really listening. I think that she probably has not told you that you are right the whole time.

So maybe I'll be devil's advocate here: You need to change. It's a choice of course, but your life is not going to get any better unless you change some things about the way you behave, and the way you think.

Have a read back over the things in this thread that you have posted, and ask yourself if there is a common theme coming through.

Be at peace,

Z

I know I need to change, I'm not denying that. I've said that a few times. I know it's me!

kjl wrote: »

Hi,

On the IBS thing, I have it too, and work is not an issue. I find that healthy diet and exercise get rid of all symptoms.

You should also avoid fatty food, and refined carbohydrates. Make sure you eat as much vegetables as you can. This provide you with roughage which eases the symptoms of IBS to almost none. Also drink plenty of water.

As for your life situation, I think you are making excuses. There is nothing stopping you from joining a class, or learning to scuba dive or doing something useful. Have you though about going back and doing a masters or joining FAS and getting some free classes. You are in a rut, and you need to shake yourself out of this and the first step is to get out of that house away from the ex. Make a clean break. Its not hard to make friends, just be yourself and be considerate and respectful to others.

Maybe I am making excuses, I don't feel like I am. I am trying to sort myself out, but just can't seem to. It's good that your IBS isn't too bad for you, but for me it is bad. And I know the problems I have are psychological, but this is why I'm going to a counsellor.

sup_dude wrote: »

Are you sure you are not lacking in vitamins/ minerals?

You say that you have to move out. Have you considered moving to the country? I find animals the best way to destress and let go. Horses, for me, gave me a break through the hardest times in my life. But you could try volunteering in a dog kennel? Moving to a new town, you meet a different way of life and different types of people.

Have you told her this?

I'm not sure I'm not lacking in something, but I'm trying to find a doctor I can switch to. I don't think moving to the country would be good for me. less chance of making friends, surely? I haven't told my counsellor because I don't know what to think. everyone says these things need time, and I don't know if I've given enough time.plus it's an awkward thing to say to someone surely?

Zen65 wrote: »

Here's an easy place to start:

What ways?
Z

I like that I'm intelligent, I care about people, I'm understanding, I can have a discussion about almost anything, I like my sense of humour. I don't know what else to say

Daisy Steiner

The thing about change is that it takes you out of your comfort zone and that can be scary for most people. To be honest, you have a very narrow outlook on life, I've read back over the thread and what jumps out at me is your acknowledgement that you need to change and your refusal to make that happen.

You need to be pro-active, do things you don't like doing (such as getting out on your own for a walk)

Say the things to your counsellor that you have been avoiding, you have admitted that there are things you haven't told her, and this was after you told us that you had ran out of things to say.

The first steps are the hardest to take, right now you're in a rut and you know it . . . you are the only one who can change this, all the advice and goodwill in the world won't make a damn bit of difference if you continue to fool yourself with self-pity.

It is an easy trap to fall into and a difficult one to get out of but entirely possible and entirely down to you.

I'm genuinely sending you the best vibes I can and hope you find the strength to get out there and please yourself, when you are happy you will draw people in.

ruthiepie

stupidusername wrote: »

I don't even know where to start. I'm crying my eyes out because I have absolutely no one. I know everyone says there must be someone but there isn't. I have some family members but my relationships with them is so bad, they don't care. They just don't.

I can't seem to make friends. I don't know what it is about me. It isn't that I just haven't met the right people. It's me. and I can't figure it out, so I don't know how to change, or even that I want to. I like who I am in a lot of ways. It just seems I'm not meant to have friends. I'm in my mid twenties and I feel so worn out from everything.

I live with my ex, and am moving out, but I'm not even sure that's a good thing. because he's the only person I have in my life. And once I move I probably won't even talk to him anymore as he's moving away too. and then I've to live with strangers. which has always created huge problems. I just can't get on with people. And I can't afford to live by myself.

I want friends. I want to have people that care about me. And I miss having a boyfriend, someone to share things with, and someone I can care about, and someone that I've so much in common with.

I can't even get a job. Even if I could that's a whole other problem. I've IBS and it's created such a fear in me about having a sit-down job. and because it'd be in IT, I've to be considered smart enough to get the job, and I just didn't learn that much from my college course.

I don't do anything with my time. I just sit on boards all day. I don't have any hobbies. And I don't have the energy to do anything anyway.

I was thinking this morning the only reason I had to get out of bed was because I've an anti depressant to take, and it has to be after food. only for that I would still be in bed. I actually don't have anything else to do with my time. except collect my dole.

In fact I know so few people that if I stayed in bed for days the only person that would even know would be my ex. I don't even want to go to my counsellor tomorrow. I know everyone will say I should go cause I need to talk, but I've been going for a couple of months now and I'm not getting anywhere. I don't solve anything, or figure things out. I'm not even comfortable talking to her about things, I HATE crying in front of people. I look awful.

I want people in my life who care about me. It's been so long since I had people who I could've considered 'friends' that I don't even know what it's like anymore.

Hi Stupidusername, saw this post and had to post cos ive been there with the whole friends/ex situation!! And thought id let you in on a group i recently joined and allready my social scene has picked up(which wouldnt be hard cos it was non existent before that!!). I know some people have mentioned before that this site is just for picking up guys and girls etc etc but since ive joined ive done things that id never thought of doing, been surfing and boating and generally just been having a good time meeting up with others and getting out and talking to new people!!

The website is www.meetup.com and they have a limerick group so it might be worth you having a look and seeing if it'd interest you?? Its prob sounds like im working for them or trying to promote them but honestly im not!! Before i joined it i was sitting at home every weekend with nothing to do and no-one to talk to and now i seem to have something on every weekend/every second week and its really after cheering me up cos there's nothing worse than been stuck at home thinking about everyone else having a great time!! Im not saying it happens overnight but its just good to know of things to join in limerick!!

If you want any more info, ask or PM me!!

Zen65

stupidusername wrote: »

I like that I'm intelligent, I care about people, I'm understanding, I can have a discussion about almost anything, I like my sense of humour. I don't know what else to say

Well these are all very positive attributes, and it's good that you recognise them in yourself.

Do you think other people recognise these qualities in you?

What things do you not like about yourself? Don't just describe your circumstances, that's not you. It's the things about yourself, physically, emotionally, intellectually, or spiritually that I'm directing this question at.

Cheers,

Z

stupidusername

There are many things I don't like about myself physically. I don't like that I'm not confident in some ways (mostly about my appearance, but I'm getting a little better). I don't like that I'm not so tolerant or patient.

Some people can see some of my good points, but it also depends on the person they are as to what they think is important.

I'd have to think about what else I don't like about myself.

@ruthiepie thank you for that link.I've looked at it and signed myself up for a local group, and I'm hoping to go alone to a meet up this weekend!

And I'm waiting to sign myself up for volunteering with a local group, but can't do that for another week.

smaaaa

aw im sorry your feeling so down and low its such a rotten feeling :-(

the only way i got through feeling like that was just to keep thinking positive push yourself, motivate yourself, or else you will never get out of it, jog away all your frustration it will give you so much more energy plus you will start to look fresher feel better and you will feel like going out meeting new people (there are lovely genuine people out there) i know its scary and will be but as i said life is long and unless you do something about it nothing will change

boards is good sometimes but can be a little depressing at the same time and not very good for ya if your on it all day

wish u the best x

Ave Sodalis

stupidusername wrote: »

I'm not sure I'm not lacking in something, but I'm trying to find a doctor I can switch to. I don't think moving to the country would be good for me. less chance of making friends, surely? I haven't told my counsellor because I don't know what to think. everyone says these things need time, and I don't know if I've given enough time.plus it's an awkward thing to say to someone surely?

Actually, people in the countryside or even a village say hello, and call round for a chat and get to know people that they live beside. Therefore it's easier to make friends then in the city.

Of course it's not an awkward thing to say. Your counsellor needs to know how you are feeling for it to be effective and if you feel you have run out of things to say, then you need to tell him/her this.

neveah

Hey Stupidusername, big hug from me to you

It really sounds like you are stuck in a major rut, but don't be so hard on yourself because by reaching out online for advice, by going to counselling and admitting you want to change, by joining a meet up group, well then you are already making small steps towards making a change. It won't happen overnight but you need to try and turn your pessimistic view of life into a more optimistic one. You have had several major things happen to you recently - a break-up, unemployment, IBS. Any of these things can have a major impact on your life if they happened on their own but they have all come at once to you. In fact IBS can be triggered and aggravated by stress so the break up and the lack of a job may all have contributed to bad IBS, once you overcome your anxiousness about these situations you may see your IBS improve dramatically.

Go for little walks, even if it's just to the shop, get yourself out of bed. A little fresh air and exercise will do you the world of good. It won't solve your problems but once you start the process then slowly but surely it will get start to get better. Give yourself time. You want to make a change and you have already started the ball rolling. Keep your chin up and your even if you don't feel like it try and smile:) eventually the happy thoughts will begin to creep back into your head.

Darlughda

stupidusername wrote: »

I don't even know where to start. I'm crying my eyes out because I have absolutely no one. I know everyone says there must be someone but there isn't. I have some family members but my relationships with them is so bad, they don't care. They just don't.

I can't seem to make friends. I don't know what it is about me. It isn't that I just haven't met the right people. It's me. and I can't figure it out, so I don't know how to change, or even that I want to. I like who I am in a lot of ways. It just seems I'm not meant to have friends. I'm in my mid twenties and I feel so worn out from everything.

I live with my ex, and am moving out, but I'm not even sure that's a good thing. because he's the only person I have in my life. And once I move I probably won't even talk to him anymore as he's moving away too. and then I've to live with strangers. which has always created huge problems. I just can't get on with people. And I can't afford to live by myself.

I want friends. I want to have people that care about me. And I miss having a boyfriend, someone to share things with, and someone I can care about, and someone that I've so much in common with.

I can't even get a job. Even if I could that's a whole other problem. I've IBS and it's created such a fear in me about having a sit-down job. and because it'd be in IT, I've to be considered smart enough to get the job, and I just didn't learn that much from my college course.

I don't do anything with my time. I just sit on boards all day. I don't have any hobbies. And I don't have the energy to do anything anyway.

I was thinking this morning the only reason I had to get out of bed was because I've an anti depressant to take, and it has to be after food. only for that I would still be in bed. I actually don't have anything else to do with my time. except collect my dole.

In fact I know so few people that if I stayed in bed for days the only person that would even know would be my ex. I don't even want to go to my counsellor tomorrow. I know everyone will say I should go cause I need to talk, but I've been going for a couple of months now and I'm not getting anywhere. I don't solve anything, or figure things out. I'm not even comfortable talking to her about things, I HATE crying in front of people. I look awful.

I want people in my life who care about me. It's been so long since I had people who I could've considered 'friends' that I don't even know what it's like anymore.

Unfortunately, we live in a society that tends to stigmatize those who are alone and isolated, especially in your 20s &30s, where it assumed there is something wrong with you unless you have a wide social circle, good friends and a loving supportive family.

However this is just not the reality for so many people, and rather than admit loneliness, and the profound effect of the consequences of this, they get told they have depression or need to change in some way, or most useless of all- be more positive.

Maybe you are right that you can't make friends, and its you.
Maybe a lot of people you have met are not really good friendship material, and you just cant pretend and go along with the'flow'.

Does this mean you need to change? I would doubt it very much, sounds like you are willing to look at yourself critically and be open to friendships, which you know you need, but it really sucks sometimes when at periods in our lives we cannot seem to find the friends we want and who are right for us.
Particularly being single, its always the refrain...'oh I have great friends, and a great career'. Well, bully for the women who are that lucky. Many, many others struggle with acute loneliness which is like a taboo to admit in our society.

Like its your fault that these circumstances are this way. Oh yeah, things will change if only you change you etc. Nonesense.

Many silent people are dealing with the reality of loneliness and isolation. Don't underestimate the effect of chronic illness coupled with unemployment has. It is a very, very hard thing to go through. The lack of energy, pain, symptoms are just overwhelming to deal with, let alone the whole unemployment thing. Which is ****e for self esteem and feels so isolatory when everyone else is speeding away on their careers.

But you will be ok, and you will make good friends, even though its very hard for you just now.

I know this because you are not trying to hold on to your ex even though he is the only support you have right now. You are prepared to try out the meet up group another poster mentioned, and you are looking at the options of voluntary work.

Living with strangers can be very daunting, I can't stand cleaning up after people either, and renting is seen as a very temporary situation in this country, so it can be tough to find the right people. Having said that if you are lucky enough to find the right people, it can be the best thing.

However your counsellor sounds shyte, if you cant feel okay telling him/her stuff then they just don't have the vocation for it.
Its not your fault, you don't need to feel more blame because you are in need of support at the moment that you have not got.

Maybe when you feel stronger, you could discuss with your community welfare officer maybe moving to Dublin or another city where there is more of a variety of new people starting from scratch in a new place and meeting new people?

ruthiepie

stupidusername wrote: »

There are many things I don't like about myself physically. I don't like that I'm not confident in some ways (mostly about my appearance, but I'm getting a little better). I don't like that I'm not so tolerant or patient.

Some people can see some of my good points, but it also depends on the person they are as to what they think is important.

I'd have to think about what else I don't like about myself.

@ruthiepie thank you for that link.I've looked at it and signed myself up for a local group, and I'm hoping to go alone to a meet up this weekend!

And I'm waiting to sign myself up for volunteering with a local group, but can't do that for another week.

Hi Stupidusername,

Thats great news that your signed up and are going to attend something this weekend, i know it wont solve all your problems but at least if your getting out and making friends, its makes things look a bit more positive!! It does for me anyway!!

Im actually going to a meetup this weekend too so if could even be the same one so if you need any advise or just find it all a bit taunting which to be honest it is the first time you go let me know!! If it is even the same one at least you'll kind of know someone before you go which might make it a bit easier for you!!

Anyway let me know if there's anything i can do for you! And well done again for joining up!! As I always say, things cant get any worse anyways!!

stupidusername

Darlughda wrote: »

However this is just not the reality for so many people, and rather than admit loneliness, and the profound effect of the consequences of this, they get told they have depression or need to change in some way, or most useless of all- be more positive.

Maybe you are right that you can't make friends, and its you.
Maybe a lot of people you have met are not really good friendship material, and you just cant pretend and go along with the'flow'.

Does this mean you need to change? I would doubt it very much, sounds like you are willing to look at yourself critically and be open to friendships, which you know you need, but it really sucks sometimes when at periods in our lives we cannot seem to find the friends we want and who are right for us.

Thanks for the alternative view. My counsellor reckons there is a chance that I just haven't met the right people yet. and has agreed that everything I have to deal with is quite hard.

ruthiepie wrote: »

Hi Stupidusername,

Thats great news that your signed up and are going to attend something this weekend, i know it wont solve all your problems but at least if your getting out and making friends, its makes things look a bit more positive!! It does for me anyway!!

Im actually going to a meetup this weekend too so if could even be the same one so if you need any advise or just find it all a bit taunting which to be honest it is the first time you go let me know!! If it is even the same one at least you'll kind of know someone before you go which might make it a bit easier for you!!

Anyway let me know if there's anything i can do for you! And well done again for joining up!! As I always say, things cant get any worse anyways!!

Thanks ruthie, you've got me curious now as to whether or not we're going to the same one... is yours in limerick?

ruthiepie

Thanks ruthie, you've got me curious now as to whether or not we're going to the same one... is yours in limerick?[/QUOTE]


Sent you pm there!! (It is indeed the same thing we're going to!!)

Zen65

Darlughda wrote: »

Like its your fault that these circumstances are this way. Oh yeah, things will change if only you change you etc. Nonesense.

It is a mistake to confuse "its your fault" with "you need to change".

You can be perfectly right in everything you do, and yet be miserable. And yes, even in these no-fault or blameless situations the only choices you are faced with are (a) to stay as you are, change nothing and let fate determine your future happiness, or (b) to change something about the way you behave, think or feel.

Either strategy can work. The problem with opting to let fate steer you is the sheer uncertainty of it. You may meet your newest best friend tomorrow, but it may never happen. By choosing to change you simply improve the odds of your end goal being achieved.

I have been asking OP questions about herself because from her posts here so far (with the exception of her posts to Ruthie) they all seem a bit vague to me. Knowing that you are unhappy is easy, but knowing why you are unhappy provides a steer as to how to change yourself & your behaviours to overcome those problems.

I think OP is still being a bit vague in her answers. I feel that there are things going on in her head which she is not sharing yet (who can blame her, it's hard to share intimate thoughts and fears on a bulletin board?). When I read her sentences it's as if she starts to explain what she's thinking, but does not want to let the whole truth out, because to see it written on a screen might be painful for her. Maybe she thinks the core issue that's troubling her is too trivial, but there are no trivial issues at the centre of a depression. She says..

There are many things I don't like about myself physically. I don't like that I'm not confident in some ways (mostly about my appearance, but I'm getting a little better). I don't like that I'm not so tolerant or patient.

Well, that's helpful, but what is it about her appearance she has issue with? I think in order to "fix" something you need to know how it's broken (and appearance is a funny thing, it very rarely needs any significant adjustment in order to feel better about it).

The issue of OP's tolerance has been raised a couple of times by her, but what does it mean? What is she intolerant of, and how does that manifest itself in a manner that makes it hard for her to make or keep friendships? I suspect it is related to the issue of confidence that she speaks about.

Hopefully the decision to join with that group in Limerick will reap rewards for her, she deserves a break. Joining the group is a change.

Experience suggests however that unless she also tackles her own demons that she will ultimately end up repeating the cycle of the past, and the opportunity to make good friends might be lost.

Cheers,

Z

stupidusername

They only way I can see my intolerance manifesting itself in a way that could be showing in dealing with other people is that I might not make so much conversation with someone that I feel annoys me in some way.besides that I'd be unsure.