Elderly Mom

flahers

Just sitting here thinking I will never have a relationship with my mother and never had. I feel like she is a stranger and we have never got along. She is 90 and I am in my mid fifties so I feel time is not on our side. I am an only child and had the most wonderful dad ever but he passed away a few years ago. My mom was always so controlling and blamed me for everything that went wrong. She always put herself first over the years and my dad did everything for her. I didn't allow her to control me and hence why we dont get along. She now lives alone and I have been trying, unsuccessfully, to get her to move into a granny flat with us but she wont yet when something goes wrong she keeps at myself and my husband expecting us to solve her problems. I dont have any happy memoriesof my mom and cant get along with her at all no matter how I try. I dont want to be left with these feelings for the rest of my life but how do you deal with a very difficult mon who wont talk to you about her wishes etc. Its almost like she is very jealous when I talk about friends, holidays etc yet wont partake in anything we try to get her to do.

aquarius lady

I can so identify with you, my mom was a stranger to me as well, very controlling and domineering and only self interested. I tried everything to get to know her and make her feel happy at the end of her life ( she died at 86) three years ago. The only advise I can give is to look after yourself, she is a selfish old lady used to getting her own way. Certainly, see that she is as comfortable as she can be and after that I wouldnt bother telling her about the family (unless she asked which is ulikely)you are only setting yourself up for ridicule and dissapointment. Funny, I thought it was a jealousy thing as well, guess I will never know now. All I know is that I was heartbroken when she died heartbroken for the Mum that she was not...... Be gentle with yourself.

Beruthiel

flahers, we cannot chose our parents, or how they interact with us.
IMO, it is the parents job to do their best by their child. If they don't, it's because they do not know how to, or they just couldn't be arsed making the effort.
Either way, neither are your fault and you cannot beat yourself up over something that is out of your control.
She's a grown adult and it is her decision what type of relationship she has with you, especially as you have put a lot of effort into helping her and tried to meet her half way.
You're a better person than I, cos if my parent was to give me that much gip, I'd leave them to it.
Life is short and though someone is related to you by blood, it doesn't give them the right to treat you badly.

I'm an atheist, but there is a lot of wisdom in the below poem:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

You cannot make your mother be, the woman you want her to be.

MsFifers

It might be difficult to accept, but at 90 years of age it is unlikely your mother will change her behaviour at this stage - even if she wanted to. She has probably an ingrained way of thinking and maybe sees your independence as a challenge or rejection of her - but if she does then that is her mistake and not something you can take responsibility for.

Concentrate on the things in your life that do bring you joy and love. Do right by your Mam and at least you know you've kept your side of things straight, but you can't change who she is, no more than she could change who you are.