Confused about need to break up...

LegacyUser

I'll try to keep this one short.

I've been with my GF 7 years. Things are rapidly moving in the direction of engagement. It's make or break. I feel freaked out by the whole thing.

I have a history of depression. While I love her, I suppose I'm having doubts. It's been my only relationship. In fact, I've been so terrified to talk about any of these aspects of our relationship (we've done so before). We're currently living in different countries and have been doing well. But this month, I freaked out (again) - high anxiety, feeling down, nausea - that I just can't go through with this. I haven't the strength. Also, since my last episode of depression (caused by major homesickness and culture shock), I've been incredibly happy on my own. So much of me feels things in me have changed, I want something different. I feel this time alone has made me realise I need to know myself more and be on my own for a while, to follow my muse.

I love her, but at times I doubt it's enough because, surely, as she wants to go down the road of marriage, houses, babies ... well, I thought I turned a corner, too, and wanted that for both of us but now I doubt that. I feel I've regressed and I need time out. But she hasn't got time... biological clocks. Things shouldn't be this difficult, should it? It would be something I can't help wanting?

We're so compatible in so many ways (same interests, taste, she's a fantastically honest, loyal and good person, would be a great mother). And I don't know in those ways if there's anyone else like that. At the same time, I do feel part of me isn't being nourished and I'm somehow no longer myself. To my surprise, all my 9 months alone has got me more in touch with myself, more balanced, more happy, and things between us were going great when she came to visit but I'm in shock that I've been having these scary, panicky, dark thoughts again. They just arrived. I haven't the strength to endure these anymore. Originally, I thought these episodes were only to do with uncertainty about work and a future in terms of employment, self esteem.

I don't want to waste her time anymore - last month, I felt I could propose. Now I've done a total turn around. But also, as I calm down after my 'episode' (thanks to The Samaritans listening and perhaps seeing only one way out), I'm finding that I'm losing the strength to really do the right thing and have this tough conversation. I nearly did today, but now I'm feeling different, but how can I ever know I'll be sure? Why let her keep guessing this? Terrible for a relationship.

If she's the one for me, it's not now, and she doesn't have anymore time to wait and I've had enough chances. And I cannot live with these periodic freakouts where I'm unhappy and lose touch with reality (work, life, health suffers). I feel things are out of a box and I can't put them back in. What can I do?

LegacyUser

Having recently, and I suppose currently, having been on the other side of this scenario in ways, I really think you should try to imagine your life without your OH in it. If you can do this easily, I reckon maybe you do need your freedom, and it's worth the risk.
For me, my OH told me he wanted his freedom and to be on his own. With lots of thinking and talking, I'd realised we'd both settled into "settled life" without even noticing. We're both pursuing our own interests at the moment, and things going much better. Not sure if it's the same as you, since you said you're living in different countries. If you really, truly love her, and you meant that you said you thought you were ready to propose last month, then I think your relationship deserves more than a quickly-made decision. Does she know you're feeling this way?
Also, having suffered depression before, don't they always say not to make big decisions when you're suffering?

LighterGuy

Interesting post. While reading it a few things popped up.

We're currently living in different countries

So the relationship has turned long distance for the last 9 months as you say. IMO, talking about marriage, having kids etc while the relationship is long distance is not the best time to plan for such things.

From reading your words, in the last 9 months you seem more happy. You like where you're living, who you are etc. Sounds to be that you are just not ready for marriage.

I think the reason why is that you are afraid of being uphappy. Not with her, but by everything else marriage will bring. I am getting the impression the country she is currently in is her native country. the same country you werent really liking (you say you got homesick and culture shock)

I think its the case of being happy now through various things (being back home etc etc) ... now the thought of marriage is scary to you. Will you live there? will you go back to being despressed? etc.


Either way,
if you really arent ready for marriage tell her that goes without saying.

then, really ask yourself. Do you want to be with her? .. there are undertones of wanting to be free / on your own in your post. It sounds like being away from her the last 9 months have made you realise you're happy being on your own. You have to reallyask yourself what you want. And be honest with her. In fact, probably talking to her should be the first thing you should do ... in fairness, you've been with her 7 years! she deserves to know what her partner is feeling

Bellablue

Hi OP,

I've also recently been on the other side of this situation. In my case my husband buried all doubts he had and married me.

We had been together 12 yrs (married for 4) when he told me he didn't love me and left. We've just gone through a couple of agonising months of ups and downs which ended over the weekend with a conversation in which he told me he never should have married me and that in the last 3 weeks, while we've been "trying to work things out" he's been unfaithful twice.

I'll say the same thing to you as I said to him.....when it comes to marriage, if there are ever ANY doubts whatsover, you need to speak up and address them. Don't wait, do it now.

You say she "doesn't have any more time to wait"....has she come out and said that it's now or never in terms of marriage? You need to have the tough conversation. Be completely honest and tell her your feelings. Perhaps she would be happy to hold off on engagement for a while to see if this relationship is the right thing for both of you?

Don't make any hasty decisions (either way) but don't leave her hanging on any longer either, the longer you do the tougher it will be for both of you, trust me.

Best of luck.
Bella

LegacyUser

Thanks for your kind posts because I feel like a horrible person right now and expected more vitriol. I want to do the right thing, but I don't know what that is. At least, there are two 'right things' but both have very different outcomes and I simply cannot understand things.

Can I imagine my life without her? In many ways, the idea of being alone fills me with relief/excitement. Having been on my own, but with her at home, I've had time to learn more about myself. But I've never had to feel fully 'alone'. I recognise that. And I have always told myself that it is for a limited time and it's back to 'reality'. She's fantastic in that she's open to whatever comes around the corner in terms of joint (work-related) life decisions. So I can, often, imagine the 'new me' opened up to new possibilities for personal growth, happiness. And, with my life experiences (bullying, death of a parent, etc., very strained and upset family relationships), this 'new me' is really beginning to enjoy life for the first time.

But of course I also think how I wouldn't have her in my life. That she's an unusually patient, tolerant, relaxed and cool girlfriend. In so many ways I'm so lucky - we're into the same stuff, she's not fake or a poseur, she's genuine, a strong person. But we've had our difficulties as a couple, as all have. Life has been very stressful in our respective jobs, and too often this would come home and things would often get so stressed out I thought I'd explode. I accept I have my flaws, my neuroses. But we always worked through them, and, this being my only real relationship, I also feel I lack perspective. We've worked through our difficulties, my lack of experience/perspective and I try to learn and grow. But I very often find being in a relationship with her very stressful, probably much to do with my psychology, which I've constantly tried to address, but often there's this gut feeling that 'things have to be easier than this'. I do often feel something is missing (laughter for one, and frequently feeling misunderstood), but also I know, well, who else is out there who is her plus more of what I'm looking for (nobody's perfect, right?).

I suppose, with feeling I want to move on with my life and do grown up things, well, a good part of me has begun to feel like taking the next step. But I suppose I have realised this is more 'I can do it' more than 'I really want to do it'.

Yes, I've realised with a good job that I value and having the space and experiences I'm having, I can be happy on my own. (I recently also came down off very mild anti-depressants.) Often, I do think that I need to be totally OK with myself and work out what I, as an individual, finally want with my life before I can say: right, this is me, I want to be with you and I'll compromise but I want/need this, this and this.

I *am* having doubts. That's undeniable. The nature of them, I'm unsure about. But they're there, they seriously affect me. I get terrible fears about going down this route and eventually I've kids and I realise this was all a mistake. When I get down that line of thinking, my first thoughts go to how those doubts would transfer to my children and affect them negatively.

The truth is I'm still not ready. So much in our relationship is good. So much of her is right for me. But so much seems wrong. I feel sad now. Before, recently, I was so confident about taking life by the horns and going with it. The future held so much promise for us.

Will this tough conversation spell the end? Again, yes, I think it will. We've had this conversation too many times (I'm branded a commitmentphobe) and I think neither of us have the energy anymore. And worst of all, I just cannot burden her with the weight of my indecisiveness as time for her is running out. In other words, I don't want to make a hasty decision, but to discuss this is a decision one way or the other.

Maybe it's a classic example of us drifting apart.

I just don't know what to do. I do see enormous upset down the line.

I have a feeling everything will blow up tomorrow. I'm really frightened but, strangely, a few weeks ago I was depressed (couldn't eat, wanted to sleep all the time), now I can sleep, function OK, and this makes me feel even worse given where I am mentally and emotionally. Have I turned into some unfeeling monster?