Mother - Alone

LegacyUser

Just posting because I am becoming very concerned for my mother.

A bit of background info, my parents split when I was a baby and my brother was four years old when my father cheated with a friend of theirs (they are still together to this day). My mother raised us both in the family home. Ever since I can remember she has suffered from depression stemming from this breakup and this has continued until today despite her going to counselling on and off through the years. She managed the bills etc fine and raised us as best she could. My brother is currenly working in London and has paid for her to attend a new series of counselling.

He moved there last year and since then it has been just me and my mother in the house. We are scrapping by fine but her lack of friends and social life is concerning me. I'm not planning on moving out anytime soon but it pains me to see her do nothing but work and come home every day. She's in her late forties and can anyone suggest anything she can do or join that may let her make friends or start dating?

Some other issues that have arisen:
She takes a lot of things to heart and can be quite petulant when things do not go her way. For example, my brother had suggested that we go over to London for a weekend. He said this to us at the end of July and said the 3rd weekend in August. He has since retracted that as he may be travelling for his work. My mom reacted badly, and sulked around the house for a day.

I never expected to go because I don't work apart from helping out my brother with stuff in Ireland for which I get paid only every 5 weeks. I use this money to get food and clothes and petrol as all of my mother's salary is spend on the mortgage and bills. However when I say that I couldn't afford it she asked if I would go if she paid for the flights and accomodation. However I know that there is no way she could afford it.

She is very impulsive as well, she has changed careers about 4 times in the past 10 years. She went to college as an adult and got a degree, then began to teach computers to people. Quit that and went to work for UPS in their customer service and then went on to do a beauticians course and bought a load of equipment for that. Currently she is working as a care assistant for elderly people. I have spoke with her about this but don't know what else to do.

Any advice on what to do would be really appreciated because I find myself staying up at night (like tonight) worrying about her.

jessiejam

Hey op

How bout trying to talk to her? I mean really talk to her. Its seems like she doesn't have anyone to talk to and all of the issues that happened when you were young are probably still bottled up inside her.

Find out how she feels and what her plans and goals are for the future, if she has none, get her to make some. Even simple little goals like getting fit, finishing the gardening etc.

If nothing else it might egg her on to do something that interests her. i know there are people on here that will recommend a course or some club etc, but you really have to be into that i think to enjoy it.

How bout both of ye doing something together
Simple things like walking and trying a little jogging now and then together will certainly heighten the mood and you'd never know you might both enjoy it.

And its free:)

Maybe a visit to her GP might help her along the way
Best of luck

Neyite

hi there,

if your mum is in her late forties, she has gotten by seemingly fine in her working life and bringing you both up so far. you are not responsible for her career, or her choices in it, so worrying about it will not change it.

chances are she might act all dependant on you and your brother because you will look after her, and that can feel nice.

my own mum is a widow for a few years, and lives alone. i am the only one of us that lives near her, and even then im a couple of hours away, so i was really worried about her being all lonely and helpless on her own missing my dad. she reared us all through tough times so she does have a backbone in there somewhere, but letting us fuss over her i guess felt nice, so she would tend to get a bit helpless, but i dont entertain that with her - i cant be hopping in a car driving hours for a non-emergency. when she rings me about a problem, eg something to do with the house, i let her talk it out, then just ask her what she wants to do about it, and then agree with her. i make a point of letting her make the suggestions because if i dont, she will just get all dependant again.once we are not around, she can and does get on with stuff.

i would say your mum might be the same. she may be suffering from depression but she is holding down a job and paying a mortgage so that shows that she is coping ok. she may not have friends, but maybe she has a social aspect to her work - interacting with the other staff and so on? depression can be a managed condition, without being fully cured.

when she got sulky when a trip didnt work out - sounds like she was really disapointed and maybe her way of expressing it is not very mature, but i dont necessarily think its a big deal - my mum (and most of her family) can be quite quick tempered and childisly stubborn in a disagreement, but i see it as just they way that family learned to express themselves. not having to compromise with another adult (like a husband) in disagreements for so long might have her just 'set in her ways' so to speak.

when you are rearing a family, especially alone, friends will fall by the wayside. i see it with the friends that have small families, i hardly ever see them now, but thats a natural life progression. in your mums case it must have been harder, not only with money being tight, but if you asked her, i bet that she could tell you about the drop in invites to things when she was no longer part of a couple. why does she need to make friends when you are there and you both get along so well? maybe when you move out she might see the need to become more social.

in short, i do think that you are worrying a bit too much. she is a grown woman, who will do what she wants with her life and unfortunatly, you cant force her to do anything she does not want to do. i see that you are protective, and thats lovely. but not to the point where you cant sleep over things you cant change.