MORAL DILEMMA

27sesamestreet

THIS IS MY FIRST TIME POSTING ON THIS FORUM SO HELLO TO ALL . I AM LOOKING FOR SOME RELATIONSHIP ADVICE.

I AM CURRENTLY WITH MY GIRLFRIEND AND VERY VERY HAPPY.WE GET ON WELL, I GET ON WITH HER FRIENDS AND FAMILY AND VICE VERSA.BASICALLY IVE NEVER BEEN HAPPIER AND I LOVE HER VERY VERY MUCH.

I AM 32 YRS OF AGE AND HAVE PREVIOUSLY HAD A 2 LONG TERM REALTIONSHIPS WHICH FOR A VARIETY OF REASONS DIDN’T WORK .IN BOTH CASES I ACCEPT THAT SOME OF THE PROBLEMS WERE MY FAULT, SOME WERE NOT.WHAT IVE TRIED TO DO IS LEARN FROM THOSE MISTAKES AND TRY TO MAKE MYSELF A BETTER PARTNER . I HAVE NEVER CHEATED IN A RELATIONSHIP, I HAVE NEVER DONE DRUGS AND IVE NEVER BEEN IN TROUBLE. AND HAVE NEVER LIED OR HID THE TRUTH IN REGARDS TO ANYTHING FROM A PARTNER.SO WHERE IS THE PROB U MAY ASK ??

LIKE I SAID I PREVIOUSLY WAS IN RELATIONSHIPS WHICH DIDN’T WORK OUT.ONE IN PARTICULAR HURT ME BAD AND I WAS FEELING REALLY DOWN AT THE TIME BECAUSE I HAD ALSO LOST A CLOSE FAMILY MEMBER IN THAT PERIOD. TO MY SHAME AND EMBARRASSMENT I TURNED TO PROSTITUTES.ON 4 DIFF OCCASSIONS I MET WITH THEM IT SICKENS ME EVRY DAY THAT I TOOK THAT ROUTE , THAT I HAD TO RESORT TO THAT.


AND NOW ITS PAYBACK TIME BECAUSE I JUST FEEL SO GUILTY WNENEVER I THINK ABOUT IT ESPECIALLY WHEN IM WITH MY GIRLFRIEND AND WE ARE HAVING GREAT TIMES. IT’S THE GUILT AND THE FACT THAT IM HIDING SOMETHING FROM HER THAT IS HURTING BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO BE HIDING THINGS FROM HER. WHAT DO I DO ??DO I TELL THE GIRL AND RISK LOSING THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME OR DO I JUST SAY NOTHING AND TRY TO PUT THE THOUGHTS AWAY.


I WOULD JUST FEEL SO MUCH MORE RELIVED IF I WAS ABLE TO TELL HER BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T DESERVE TO BE KEPT IN THE DARK.AND IT WOULD BE THE BEST THING IN THE WORLD IF SHE WAS STILL WILLING TO SEE ME. ON THE OTHER HAND IF IT ENDED I WOULD BE DEVASTATED BUT WOULD ONLY HAVE MYSELF TO BLAME. LET ME JUST SAY THAT ON WEEKENDS AWAY WITH LADS BEFORE WHEN THEY WERE GOING TO STRIP CLUBS AND SLEEPING WITH PROSTITUTES I NEVER DID ANY OF THAT .


IM NOT LOOKIN FOR PRAISE FOR THE ABOVE STATEMENT JUST SAYING THAT THE OCCASSIONS WHEN I DID SLEEP WITH THE PROSTITUES WAS A BRIEF DISASTROUS TIME IN MY LIFE. SO BASICALLY IM ASKING SHOULD I TELL MY GIRLFRIEND OR SHOULD I SAY NOTHING...................IS IT BETTER SOMETIMES NOT TO TELL THE TRUTH???
THANKS FOR TAK

ING THE TIME TO READ MY PROBLEMS.ALL REPLIES WOULD BE GRATEFULLY APPREACIATED.

Ickle Magoo

<

---

caps lock.

It depends entirely on you whether you want to tell your current girlfriend all that went on in your life before you met her but I don't think guilt should play a factor. Have you told her about all your other sexual encounters or do you consider that withholding info?

Miss Fluff

If you have had a thorough STI check and have a clean bill of sexual health then I would not say anything. Have you been tested? If so, seems like you have tortured yourself enough and all of this was before you met your current partner.

The past is the past and your proven track-record when in a relationship is that you have been a good boyfriend. And you seem to be a good boyfriend now.

We all have the potential to do crazy things at disastrous or fractous times in our lives. Concentrate on a happy future now with the girl you love and forget about it.

fungun

a lot of people will say its not her business/problem and they would be right; i wouldnt feel that you have to share this. And i wouldnt feel guilty about not saying it and would deal with it.

But if you have tried this and its still making you unhappy that she doesnt know and you feel like you are keeping a secret that you should be sharing, then the only solution is to tell her

27sesamestreet

Miss Fluff wrote: »

If you have had a thorough STI check and have a clean bill of sexual health then I would not say anything. Have you been tested? If so, seems like you have tortured yourself enough and all of this was before you met your current partner.

The past is the past and your proven track-record when in a relationship is that you have been a good boyfriend. And you seem to be a good boyfriend now.

We all have the potential to do crazy things at disastrous or fractous times in our lives. Concentrate on a happy future now with the girl you love and forget about it.

yes i had a full check up after the encounters and everything was all clear.thanks for ure input . im presuming your female and thats making me feel lots better......maybe i have tortured myself enough

Miss Fluff

Yes, Miss Fluff is female If you're STI free then I wouldn't say anything. That was a different chapter in your life. I actually don't see one single benefit either of you would derive from you disclosing this.

fungun

Miss Fluff wrote: »

Yes, Miss Fluff is female If you're STI free then I wouldn't say anything. That was a different chapter in your life. I actually don't see one single benefit either of you would derive from you disclosing this.

.....unless keeping the fact from his gf is eating him up.

Miss Fluff

fungun wrote: »

.....unless keeping the fact from his gf is eating him up.

Well then he has to weigh up how he feels about losing his GF v having this eat him up. Because that's a possible choice he has. I personally think he has punished himself more than enough and he needs to put it in the past once and for all.

fungun

oh so do i, completely agree.
but if he still feels so **** then he needs to balance up this feeling ****/risk of losing her/relief of her knowing and decide whats most important

Miss Fluff

Totally, and I think a lot of people don't actually think that through. People think they are going to have this cloud-parting moment by disclosing the "truth" sometimes and that it will make them feel much better and give them a sense of relief when in reality it can make the "guilt" pale into significance with the fall-out of sh1t that ensues thereafter...

Cheap Thrills!

Look, say nothing. You are feeling needlessly guilty for nothing. You did something you regret. So what, put it to the back of your mind. The past is the past, this has no bearing on your present relationship so forget it.

I don't get why your GF would care anyway but some women do. As long as you have a clear STI test it's no different to a one night stand in my opinion. It was just sex.

Stop beating yourself up and forget about it.

EDIT: I'm female btw.

AngryBadger

OP as Miss Fluff has already said, if you've had an sti check since, and that came back clean then there's no sense getting into this with your gf as it doesn't affect her in the slightest. This was before you were with her and so doesn't impact on your relationship.

Beyond that you should definitely stop beating yourself up man. We all find ourselves in bad situations as we move through life, and we all react differently. You obviously felt on those occasions that you needed what you needed, and could not satisfy that need elsewhere. You've gotten the all-clear in terms of the health implications, so the only other issue here is that you feel your gf would think less of you for engaging a prostitute.

Ask yourself this; if you hadn't been paying for the sex, would you still feel guilty about it?

Supercell

OP ask yourself what good can come out of telling her?
Will it make her happy that you shared this information with her?
Will she love you more because you told her her about it?
Will she throw her arms around you in delight at your total honesty?

Personally I think you will upset her, put doubt into your relationship, that's if she doesn't freak out and want to break up.

No good can come of telling her bar this guilt of yours is assuaged. And that's pretty bloody selfish in my opinion. If you need to get it off your chest, talk about it to a close mate, your old man or someone you trust not to go blabbing it everywhere.

No good at all can come of telling her this, you say that you treat her right, then continue to do that. The past is a different country, you don't live there now, let it go.

petethebrick

Don't really understand what your problem is to be honest - so what if you slept with a few hookers in the past??? - that has absoultely no bearing on your current relationship. Where are your feeling of guilt coming from??? maybe you have other issues that you haven't resolved. Just forget about the past man and enjoy the present/future!

sbsquarepants

I'm with Pete here. So what, hookers, big deal! (just had a thought there, Pete, your second name isn't crouch is it?:))
What you done before you met your current partner is nowhere near as important as what you've done since. If you treat this girl right, that's what's important.
Don't be so hard on yourself, we all regret some aspect of our pasts. Very few adults don't have the odd skeleton in the closet, if that's what you want to call it.

Beruthiel

27sesamestreet wrote: »

yes i had a full check up after the encounters and everything was all clear.

If you are disease free then I have no clue why you would feel guilt for something you did before you met her.
I'm with my bloke 11 years, I've never asked for details on his activities before I met him. I don't want to know. It's none of my business and has nothing to do with our current relationship.

Emme

27sesamestreet wrote: »

IM NOT LOOKIN FOR PRAISE FOR THE ABOVE STATEMENT JUST SAYING THAT THE OCCASSIONS WHEN I DID SLEEP WITH THE PROSTITUES WAS A BRIEF DISASTROUS TIME IN MY LIFE.

People often do things out of character when they're under extreme stress. We all have to let off steam in some way. It's nothing to be ashamed of but you should leave it behind you, particularly if you got a clean bill of health.

27sesamestreet wrote: »

SO BASICALLY IM ASKING SHOULD I TELL MY GIRLFRIEND OR SHOULD I SAY NOTHING....................

My advice is say nothing. If you must talk about it, choose a non-judgemental source you have no connection with such a the Samaritans or us here!:D

27sesamestreet wrote: »

IS IT BETTER SOMETIMES NOT TO TELL THE TRUTH???

In this case I think so. You're happy with your girlfriend, you want to keep it that way, she doesn't need to know about the past. That's gone and it's not a good idea to go over it again.

Nevyn

Seems that you are suffering from guilty and want someone to absolve you of it, if you are christian then go talk to a priest and make a confession and be done with it. If that is not your thing and you want to still do something then consider giving a donation to one of the charities that deals with women who are trafficked into prostitution and let that be a salve to your troubled mind.

Then get on with living a good life and being happy, all relationships take work,
if you are really concerned you haven't learned anything form the previous ones and fear to make the same mistakes again then consider going to a councellor to talk about your past relationships and identify if there is a pattern of behaviour you can change.

Life and love are what you make of them, good luck.

27sesamestreet

HI.THANKS TO ALL OF YE WHO HAVE POSTED. I REALLY APPRECIATE IT AND ITS MAKING ME FEEL LOTS BETTER.MAYBE I AM BEATING MYSELF UP ABOUT NOTHING.


JUST READING THROUGH SOME OF YERE POSTS IF I DID TELL HER , YAEH MAYBE IT WOULD TAKE AWAY THE FACT THAT IM HIDING SOMETHING BUT THE GUILT AND SHAME WOULD STILL BE THERE, AND THEN SHE WOULD BE LEFT WITH KNOWING IT AS WELL AND EVERYTHING WOULD BE IN JEPORDY.

LIKE YE SAID EVERYBODY HAS A 'SKELETON ' IN THE CUPBOARD.

LIKE I SAID WHAT I FEEL FOR THIS GIRL IS REALLY SOMETHING SPECIAL .

I THINK I SHOULD JUST LOOK TO THE FUTURE AND ENJOY WHAT I HAVE WITHOUT REGRETTING THE PAST .


ISNT IT FUNNY WERE ALL EXPERTS IN OTHER PEOPLES LOVE LIVES BUT WHEN IT COMES TO OUR OWN WERE NEVER A S CONFIDENT !!!!!!

fungun

....but everyone else can locate the Caps Lock!

Chuchoter

Don't tell her, the past is the past. As long as you had a clean bill of health, there is no need for her to know, it will only upset her. The only bigger issue I can see is if you're so worried about do you think you will do it again?

LegacyUser

Hey op

Have to go unreg for this one.
Basically My OH of 8 years told me he did this with 2 of them in the past. 5 or 6 years before i met him

Just an experimental thing

TBH I would rather not have known.
Now it doesn't cause conflict of any kind and sometimes i do wind him up about it, but still sometimes i get it in my head that its so desperate to do something like that i get a bit of a turn off him, usually when we are arguing.

So IMO I would keep quiet
what she doesn't know won't worry her etc
Put it down to experience and in 40 years time you'll laugh about it, sure you can tell her then, if what you say is right about her being "the one", She'll be laughing too

jitter

100% agree with previous post, I wouldn't finish with my boyfriend if I found out he'd been with prostitutes, the past is the past, and as the OP said, everyone has their skeletons but I would find it a turn off and would prefer not to know.

FortyPlusHubby

It's your choice - feel lousy about what you did in the past - which you cannot change, or share this private shame with your girlfriend and both feel lousy about what you did in the past - which neither of you can change.

Want to feel better about what you did? Organise a fund-raiser for this charity and help some women who are trapped in the prostitution circle. You can't undo the past, but you can make something positive come of it.

Get over yourself OP, as somebody said here we all have skeletons in the closet

Cheers,

40pH

PS: I hope your STI checks included HIV etc?
PPS: I'm not female.

angelxx

OP I think you need to move on from this, Everyone makes mistakes, If I was your
girlfriend I would honestly rather not know, Try and focus on your future together
and the fact that you have strong feelings for her, Put it behind you. Good luck!

chellypoo74

Hi SesameStreet,

Wow, you have a mega conscience!!! I'm a girl and I don't think I'd like to know that about my boyfriend.
Everyone (apart from first timers) has a past. Everyone has had a sex life with previous partners/one night stands. It's a fact of life. It's something that current partners know, accept and try not too much to dwell on.
I think telling your current girlfriend would be a mistake. It would be like documenting various parts of your sex life with your ex - she just doesn't need to know - so long as you were protected and you are sexually healthy.
You are obviously having a great time with her and telling her something like that would taint your relationship. She loves you for who you are, not for your previous sexual exploits and she doesn't need to know.
It would be like her telling you that she enjoyed anal with her ex (something you would rather not need to know and something that you would never be able to get out of your head).
Just live in the present, love life now and forgive yourself for your past. Paying for sex is still taboo but so long as they were legal and consenting, it's just another service and something you should not beat yourself up over.
Move on and enjoy time with this girl, she sounds wonderful.
Good luck.
xxx