boyfriend wants job abroad

jillyb

hey there, sorry bit long.

since we left college two years ago there hasn't been much work around me & boyfriend were on social welfare & after 6 months he went up to belfast doing a course while working. I've been working part time since then. It was hard as i was still down south. He was there for year and a half. He got let go and now he's back down south for last couple months with no luck finding work in his field; marketing.

He's always wanted to work in the middle east but they're be no work for me so it'd be long distance for at least a year +. He saw a job that was for dublin but turned out to be Bahrain & was going for the interview and only told me after.He says job is ideal for him and give him the experience he needs.
Was a bit gutted.. we did the distance thing and i wanted us to be together now. Be it compromising on a mutual agreeable country.

After talking and realising he loves too much to hurt me and leave me he's turned down the interview but says he's gutted now.
I don't know what i should do?I feel bad but its frustrating.
A lot of my friends said it was the right thing as we're together 7 years and in a couple you need to compromise etc. We really both love each other and see ourselves staying together long term.

Even if we moved somewhere together
I'm willing to try another country with suitable work for us both

any thoughts?

R.D. aka MR.D

How old are you both?

To be honest i know that couples have to compromise but I think in reality unless you are married with kids and took that step together then sometimes those compromises can lead to a lot of resentment. (maybe they do after aswell but i've never got that far!)

It might be difficult but sometimes peoples lives take them in different directions and a relationship becomes impossible.

You said 'after talking' he realised he loved you too much, did you put any emotional pressure on him?

i know when you have been together for that long it is scary to think you wouldn't have that person.

I don't really like this saying but 'if you love them you will let them go'. I usually interpret that as meaning when you really love some one you want the best for them even if that means losing them and it causing you emotional pain.

jillyb

Hi

I'm almost 26 and he's 27.

I know life can lead you in different directions I just never thought this much it would. I did put a bit of pressure on him, but then i said ultimately its your decision and i can't make it for you or tell you what to do.
Still don't think he's happy today though.. looks miserable and now I feel awful. I do want him to be happy but i also don't want to be miserable.

A year + away from him in a country i couldn't really visit or move to would be terrible. Maybe i'm being selfish but i love having him in my life

Ickle Magoo

I really think you really risk him growing to resent you and you will lose him anyway. I don't think emotional blackmail or looking after your own interests at the expense of the other party is ever a recipe for a healthy, long-lasting relationship.

If I was you, I'd get him to try to reschedule the interview and accept that in the current economic climate, jobs have to be taken where and when you can get them, this is only going to be for a finite period of time. I think that is the compromise that needs to be made here, not his caving in to your pressure to live on the dole rather than conduct a long-distance relationship with him in employment and experiencing life in another country and culture.

Sorry, probably not what you want to hear.

The Big Red Button

I couldn't do it. I absolutely could not hold my boyfriend back from pursuing an opportunity like that.

If he's ever going to get that sort of experience on the other side of the world, it's now, it mightn't be an option in a few years when (if you're still together) you might have a mortgage, children, etc.

He's always going to be wondering what might have been. He'll be missing out on so many new experiences if he doesn't go. And how crap would it be to be sitting at home on the dole knowing that you gave up such an amazing chance?

Maybe it's already too late for this opportunity ... but I'd advise you to think long and hard before asking him to do the same again, if a similar chance arises.

If your relationship is strong enough, it'll survive the time and distance away from each other ... and if it's not strong enough? Isn't it better to find that out now than a few years down the line.

seamus

It might really be worth looking at all of your options before you write off a country on the basis of you both getting work.

What other opportunites are available for you in these places in terms of hobbies, volunteering or further education?

It's entirely understandable and natural that you would both want to get out there and work and earn your own keep, but it might be something worth considering - there's good money to be earned by one person in the middle east and strong networks of Irish people over there. Bahrain in particular would be one of the more "westernised" places. You could find yourself picking up new skills and interests that you would never have otherwise gottern.

As others have said, now is the time to give it a go. You have no mortgage or kids here and there's little to stop you from coming home if you realise you don't like it. If you go and you don't like it, no biggie, you've wasted a few months of your life, versus not going at all and never knowing.

Beruthiel

jillyb wrote: »

He saw a job that was for dublin but turned out to be Bahrain & was going for the interview and only told me after.He says job is ideal for him and give him the experience he needs.

Any way he can get another interview?
I know a couple working in Bahrain and they love it!
Honestly, you should give it a go, you've nothing to loose and I do not see why you cannot work there too.
Once you arrive, you can look into it.
They have a lot of western shops for example. Hell, you could get a job in M&S there.
Wages are fantastic, taxes are something like 1%.

LittleBook

jillyb wrote: »

A year + away from him in a country i couldn't really visit or move to would be terrible.

You seem to be jumping to conclusions. I think you need to learn a bit more about Bahrain.

Tom Dunne

jillyb wrote: »

A year + away from him in a country i couldn't really visit or move to would be terrible. Maybe i'm being selfish but i love having him in my life

Ok, I'm living in Bahrain, with my wife, for the past year and I think you need to know a few things about the country.

First of all, of course you will be able to visit. Irish people can enter the country for three months at a time, no visa required. Beyond three months, you can either leave for a day and come back (my wife did this for a year before she got her visa, she was very popular at the airport ), or get an employer to sponsor you for a visa.

It is a pretty amazing place to live, we are loving every minute of it. Both of us. We have a very high standard of living and our shopping trolley each week is no different to home in terms of the products we buy, yet the price is around a half.

Here's how I describe the country - take every prejudice, stereotype and fear you have about the Middle East and throw it out the window.

You will not have to wear an abaya (burkha), you will be able to drive, you will be able to go out and drunk seven nights a week (if that is your thing) and you will be able to eat a full English breakfast every morning (i.e. pork) if you wish, you will be able to go nightclubbing all night, every night.

The price of a pint is actually cheaper than Dublin, which I find utterly bizarre, considering it is a Muslim country.

And most importantly, you will be welcomed by a friendly, funny, generous, fun-loving nation of people.

G-Money

I think your bf could possibly grow to resent you OP. Also, think about if the situation was reversed, would you do the same thing or expect him to support your decision to go? I get a sneaking suspicion you'd be expecting him to deal with it. I could be wrong though.

Also, you mentioned about compromises being required in relationships. I understand that, but to me, this doesn't really seem like a compromise. It just seems like he eventually agreed with you and didn't go through with it.

Perhaps it's too late for him to reschedule the interview, but if not, I think he should at least go for it. He could very well do the interview and hate the sound of the job or something and even if he did the interview, it's still no guarantee he'd get the job. But at least he'll have tried and won't end up resenting you.

I know myself I'd absolutely love to go live in America. It's been my dream for years but getting a visa and getting a job seems almost impossible. I'm single at the moment but if I was seeing a girl and the opportunity came up to move to the US and she kind of talked me out of it, should me and her ever finish, I can see myself being somewhat resentful towards her that I missed out on going.

You don't sound like a bad person OP, but I don't think this was much of a compromise on your part to be honest. It sounds like he made all the compromises. Sorry to be blunt.

Hope things work out.

jillyb

hey thanks everyone for the responses.. yes i have to agree that i think i was hasty persuading him to not go for the interview. Neither he nor I had any of the answers about the culture/ could i visit etc when he was deciding to go.

Just we went through this couple years ago- he started training for a job clonmel that would be out in Saudi Arabia for 2 years and he quit after couple couple weeks as it was really tough.

Then he went up north for year and half and he's just back. He's not just on the dole he's doing part time consultancy work from home, with his company from up north. They got a grant from govt and he's earning nearly same as full time wage.

I'm not trying to make excuses just I have been compromising in the past and i was just hoping we could finally be in the one place.. but with the recession its hard.

I think its too late for this interview but i will take all your advice if another arises.

Kimia

Jillyb, why can't you go with him? You say you 'couldn't really visit or move to' this country - why is that?

SarahSassy

Tom Dunne wrote: »

Ok, I'm living in Bahrain, with my wife, for the past year and I think you need to know a few things about the country.

First of all, of course you will be able to visit. Irish people can enter the country for three months at a time, no visa required. Beyond three months, you can either leave for a day and come back (my wife did this for a year before she got her visa, she was very popular at the airport ), or get an employer to sponsor you for a visa.

It is a pretty amazing place to live, we are loving every minute of it. Both of us. We have a very high standard of living and our shopping trolley each week is no different to home in terms of the products we buy, yet the price is around a half.

Here's how I describe the country - take every prejudice, stereotype and fear you have about the Middle East and throw it out the window.

You will not have to wear an abaya (burkha), you will be able to drive, you will be able to go out and drunk seven nights a week (if that is your thing) and you will be able to eat a full English breakfast every morning (i.e. pork) if you wish, you will be able to go nightclubbing all night, every night.

The price of a pint is actually cheaper than Dublin, which I find utterly bizarre, considering it is a Muslim country.

And most importantly, you will be welcomed by a friendly, funny, generous, fun-loving nation of people.

Are they able to live together there as an unmarried couple?

jillyb

hey

TBH we didn't know a lot of info about how strict the country is or isn't at the time of the interview. It seems its a lot more liberal than other muslim countries. There was a lot of obstacles that other more western countries didn't have.. as in I could move there without a visa and not need to have work beforehand and have a look while i was there etc

I wasn't sure if we could live together.... some people say its frowned upon as we're unmarried some say people turn a blind eye to it.

I researched it more after people left me helpful comments and as we're unmarried i couldn't get a visa longer than 2 weeks as i can't be sponsored by his employer. So i would have either had to find a job beforehand or in those two weeks.

Its frustrating as if we were married i could have gotten the 3 month visa and look for a job once we're settled and there wouldn't have been as much pressure to find one straight away as i have savings and my boyf would have been on a good wage.

Alas the opportunity is now passed..but today he got an offer to go back full time to the company that let him go/he's been doing part time freelance work for and he'll have an increased wage and he hopefully can work from our home town.

Nothings been finalised yet but all going well he'll have full time employment soon.

Tom Dunne

SarahSassy wrote: »

Are they able to live together there as an unmarried couple?

They certainly will.

However, some employers (mine included, government employee) don't like it and ask that you marry or don't live together.

Ask the employer, basically.