18 year old guy who is just sick of life!

cooltown

Hi! I got really good advice on these boards before and it really helped me.
Back in Jan I was feeling really low and I thought thing were really bad. This lasted until about May when I just decided I was going to try and be happy. This kind of worked but I am lower now than I was ever before. I haven't really being happy since 2005.
My problem's started when I was in 1st year I was very badly bullied The things that happened really effected me. I still have flash backs of these inceidents.
I also discovered that I was gay and I wasn't happy and I can't really accept mysely I hate being gay and it's driving me mad I know my parents won't accept me if I ever acted on my feeling's. They hate gay people and they won't accept me. I did tell one of my friends that I was gay. He holds it over me and he kind of blackmails me into doing thing's.
I am not looking forward to going back to school in september It's 6th year and I'm not motivated. I hate it. I have hardly any friends bacause I isolated myself in my room because the bullying got so bad!
Any advice?

forestfruits

you need to talk to a professional - how about going to see your gp to chat through things they may be able to direct you to a support group in your area. Im not offering much advice here I know! your "friend" sounds like someone you would be better off without! When your back to school it wouldnt be a bad idea to book in to chat to your school chaplin (if you have one) or guidance councillor to talk through whats going on in your head and help you through the year.

cooltown

I did go to the school's bullying teacher before and this only made thing's worse. He let the bullies off and that's when it got bad. These people ruled my life. I was afraid to out becaue of them. when I was in primary school I was very happy. I never caused anybody a bit of harm. I am just so sick of my life

Doc

Look you don't have to explain your sexuality to anyone and anyone who treats you badly because of it is one of two things ether they are insecure about their own sexuality or they are simply compleat idiots and none of these things are your fault.
I'm sure it is really though for you to go through this particularly in secondary school but you have to remember that you only have one year of that left. I know that may seem an eternity but its really not and things change dramatically once you get away from that schoolboy mentality and stupidity.

PKen

I would disagree with forestfruits with regard to talking to the "school chaplin". He may be Religion led and will probably (in a nice way) say, there is something wrong with YOU - there isn't.
I also suffered feelings of alienation at school. Not Gay, but wasn't very acedemic. Never felt part of the place.
cooltown, you say about your parents: "They hate gay people and they won't accept me". Maybe, when they know their son's Gay, they'll soften their views. Chance telling them - they ARE you're parents.
Talking to "professionals" is a good idea. Maybe a "Gay Helpline". Don't know any, but I'm sure they're out there. DO talk to someone.
As Doc says: "things change dramatically once you get away from that schoolboy mentality and stupidity". Once you're finished school, you'll make new friends, who'll accept YOU, for who YOU are.

up for anything

cooltown wrote: »

I did tell one of my friends that I was gay. He holds it over me and he kind of blackmails me into doing thing's.

This sounds like a very bad part of your situation to me. What sort of things is he kind of blackmailing you into doing? Whatever they are it must be making you feel very uncomfortable in yourself and your life and is probably contributing greatly to your present situation.

As for Sixth year. It isn't much consolation but most of the other boys should be hand to the grindstone for the next nine months and so maybe it will not be as bad as you fear. Is there a teacher that you feel a connection with that you can talk to and bypass the official 'bullying teacher'. Is the school Principal someone you could talk to. The welfare of students is very much at the fore of schools at the moment. You are at a vulnerable age and under a lot of pressure and the school will recognise that. Have you someone older (brother, sister, uncle, friend) that will go with you to the school and talk about ways that the school administration can ensure that you feel safe there without approaching the bullies? I know from my own experience how appealing to the bullies' better natures can exacerbate situations.

You also need to get yourself motivated - you want repeating to be the least of your worries. Next year you could be off at college and in a position to be yourself and/or find yourself for the first time time that you can remember and you don't want to screw that up.

I can't say what you should do regarding telling your parents. You know them best but do be aware that parents can surprise you and in your situation if you tell them that all they need to do is accept that you are gay. That they don't have to 'do' anything, just accept it. Parents sometimes feel under pressure to react in certain ways or to fix things. Let them know they don't have to do either.

Good luck, pet. I feel for you.

JuliusCaesar

This might be useful to you - they are a group of young & teenage LGBT. They also have information and support for parents. And they'll have links to other useful sites.