Out as bi... but am I gay?

I Found Nemo

I've thought that I was bi since I was around fifteen and am now eighteen. From that time period, I've had sexual relations with men and women. I'm beginning to realise that perhaps I am a lesbian. I hope noone takes offence because it's not intended, but even just typing that scares the crap out of me. Not because I don't want to be gay, but because it's so scary for me not to be able to fully understand myself yet.

Whenever I've been intimate with a man, I've found myself looking at the action as if it were a chore. Whereas, when I've been intimate with a woman I feel totally ecstatic. I know that sounds as if I've answered my own question and I probably have. Still, I dont know why I feel so scared about it. I'm beginning to think that me being bi WAS a transition to homosexuality. But I'm not saying that's how all bi people are at all. Really I'm just writing this because I'd like to talk to someone.

I'm not ashamed of my orientation (whatever it may be). I'm just worrying about certain things. Like, how will my parents feel at the prospect that I may never marry or give them grandkids.. How will my friends and family feel? My parents and a miniscule amount of friends accepted me nonetheless when I told them I was Bi. But I'm so scared incase I'm rejected. If they see this as a whole kettle of fish.. Sorry this i so long..

baby and crumble

I Found Nemo wrote:

I've thought that I was bi since I was around fifteen and am now eighteen. From that time period, I've had sexual relations with men and women. I'm beginning to realise that perhaps I am a lesbian. I hope noone takes offence because it's not intended, but even just typing that scares the crap out of me. Not because I don't want to be gay, but because it's so scary for me not to be able to fully understand myself yet.

Hey, I'm 28 and I don't understand myself yet! That probably hasn't helped your predicament, but you really need to know that nobody really ever knows themselves. It's mostly hoping and bluffing! :P

I Found Nemo wrote:

I'm just worrying about certain things. Like, how will my parents feel at the prospect that I may never marry or give them grandkids.. How will my friends and family feel? My parents and a miniscule amount of friends accepted me nonetheless when I told them I was Bi. But I'm so scared incase I'm rejected. If they see this as a whole kettle of fish.. Sorry this i so long..

You say your parents already have accepted you as bi, so surely they know that a same sex relationship for life is on the cards? And who says you won't be able to marry or have kids? Plenty of gay people do both, very happily. You seem to have a decent arena, if your parents and friends have accepted you as bi.

For some people, identifying as bisexual is a way they can explore their feelings and same sex attraction, because at that time, they are bisexual- they are attracted to both genders. You may, at different points in your life feel far more attracted to women than men, or vice-versa. You might have settled on 'a sexuality' and be content for 20 or 30 years with that, and one day someone comes along and fecks the whole thing up on you by being them, and being awesome and lovely. Nothing wrong with that!

I guess what I'm trying to say is you're 18- you're young, and your whole life won't be turned upside down by this. Really. You have the support of your parents and friends, which is a great situation to be in. Don't stress, really.

I Found Nemo

Zoegh, thanks very much for a reply. Haha, I know some people may have read my previous comment and rolled their eyes and that's fair enough because it may look as if I'm worrying about nothing.:o

I know I probably am worrying about nothing, but it's the idea that my mind is thinking in ways it never used to do is scaring me. I'm wondering if I ever liked men in the first place. I can imagine that many bi sexual and gay people have gone through this experience when they were my age..

Like you've said Zoegh, I do have a decent arena for coming out as a lesbian if it turns out that I am one. It's just that, I thought I only ever had to "come out" once! Basically the idea of coming out once was scary enough, but the possibility of doing it again feels scarier for some reason.

Before anyone says it to me- I am well aware that I sound like I'm clutching at straws in this comment. I'm not. I'm just trying to justify the fears I had in my previous comment and why I had them up until Zoegh helped me out on a few. Thanks.

rainbow kirby

I Found Nemo wrote: »

Like you've said Zoegh, I do have a decent arena for coming out as a lesbian if it turns out that I am one. It's just that, I thought I only ever had to "come out" once! Basically the idea of coming out once was scary enough, but the possibility of doing it again feels scarier for some reason.

Pretty much the same thing happened with me. I came out to my friends as bi about a year before I came out to them as a lesbian, but when I decided to clarify the matter with them it turned out that most of them had parsed "bi" as "gay" anyway in my case! You'll be fine.

I Found Nemo

rainbow kirby wrote: »

Pretty much the same thing happened with me. I came out to my friends as bi about a year before I came out to them as a lesbian, but when I decided to clarify the matter with them it turned out that most of them had parsed "bi" as "gay" anyway in my case! You'll be fine.

Haha yeah I'm wondering whether or not I'll get the same reaction. If I did it would be a load off! The nicest thing ever was when I originally came out to my 21 year old straight brother. I just told him "I drive on both sides of the road". He knew what I meant, and he laughed and told me he always knew... "I knew since that day when we were watching Desperate Housewives together, and you spent more time looking at Eva Longoria than I did!"

I ran my confusion by my only two friends who know today, I didn't actually say "I'm a lesbian". I just basically said what I'm saying to you guys. That I dont think I ever really was properly attracted to men, and that I'm starting to think that I may be gay. Their reactions were pretty good. Well, one said "Oh I could never be a lesbian!" And the other one asked "Why do some lesbians use strap-ons during sex?" Haha, that must be a good start right?:o

I'd also like to apologise to the person who started this thread. I know this probably wasn't the direction you wanted this thread to go and I'm sorry about that. I chickened out at the idea of starting a thread relevant to this myself....:(

rainbow kirby

Posts split off into new thread.

Honestly, you probably will get a similar sort of reaction from other people, they already know you like the ladies anyway and if they haven't noticed you paying a huge amount of attention to guys in recent times then they were probably expecting it, especially considering you are young.

I Found Nemo

Oh cool! I'm such a noob

That's true alright. I have to say I feel heaps better from talking to you guys. I know nobody at all in my area that's going through the same feelings as I am, and if I did I probably wouldn't have the guts to confront the issue with them. It's nice to know someone will help you out if you ask for it.

baby and crumble

I'm glad you seems to be working things out, you need to take things in your own space and time...

I think a lot of gay people go through what you are now- in your teenage years it can get so messed up and you think you fancy different people, and oh i fancy girls, but i also fancy guys, so... Things get complicated. And TBH some gay people come out as gay, and realise later in life that actually, they're bisexual- and that's cool too.

I Found Nemo

Thanks. Talking about teenage confusion, I thought I was over all of this when I was 16! Feck sake! The problem seems to be shrinking now anyway. I think I'm beginning to know myself alot better. Still scared for a stupid reason but I feel alot better.

baby and crumble

It's not a stupid reason, at all. I mean, I admire anyone who has the guts/ self-confidence to come out at 16. I didn't til I was 21. So well done on that score.

And as for knowing yourself... that really only comes with age & experience...

Jesus i sound ancient!

I Found Nemo

I was a very risky child at 16 though. Thank god I had/have very trustworthy friends who never betrayed me. Imagine the torment I could've got at school if the wrong people found out..

Hey, 28 is the new 18

baby and crumble

I Found Nemo wrote:

Hey, 28 is the new 18 :P

So I keep telling myself...

Coeurdepirate

I can't speak for your parents because I haven't come out to mine yet, and honestly, the friends who stuck by you for being bi will realise that lesbian is your sexuality, and not your personality. I came out as bi first too, because it's sorta half way. That sounds stupid, but it was just easier.