What do you think of the whole 'friendzone' when it comes to being friends with guys?

starlit

Say a girl has a couple of guy friends. Say one of the guy friends is very much in the 'friendzone'. This girl may or may not know that this guy might want to get out of the friendzone, she is unaware of this. If she does become aware what is she to do? Make a move on the guy hoping he might respond but what if its too late that he really only wanted a fling and nothing too serious cause he just got out of a relationship maybe? He might ingore her or just greet each other not much small talk like before when there were no complications and just acted like normal friends! All of a sudden they don't interact much with each other over time and then the weird thing happens...awkward silences and perhaps 'sexual tension'? how can these two people overcome such a situation? what would be your advice or opinion for this sort of thing?

Cathmandooo

So a guy and a girl are friends.

The guy is just out of a relationship.

The guy doesn't want to be just friends with this girl anymore.

The girl is unaware of this.

But you're asking if she should make a move on him? even though she's just his friend?

Now the guy and girl are awkward with each other for no particular reason?

Just trying to clarify what you're saying as it makes little sense at the moment.

Wibbs

Is this more a personal issues thread where you're looking for advice for your onw situation snuggles285? Or is it a general discussion on friendzone?

starlit

General discussion on friendzone. Just Giving an example of a friendzone situation to get the ball rolling?

Nervous Wreck

Generalised relationship questions in the form of riddles make my head spin.......

starlit

What do you think of a friendzone situation so?

Wolflikeme

From experience (and being a guy), I've found that women (again, in my experience) are much less likely to speak up about it, if they've feelings for the guy.

However, an instance arose recently (whereby nobody said anything!) when a girl I know went travelling to Oz for a while. Very good friend of mine and I had a feeling she'd feelings for me - we were constantly in touch while she was away at the start. Now I was never that bothered to be honest but, when it became obvious she was interested, I started to feel like I was. Anyway, she met somebody over there and they're happy and I'm not bothered! Maybe things would've been different had one of us said something though.

I know it's confusing by me saying I wasn't interested but you know when you find someone likes you kinda start to think of them differently. Besides, I always had a soft spot for her...even when I was with my ex.

Wolflikeme

snuggles285 wrote: »

What do you think of a friendzone situation so?

I think it varies. There are a million circumstances from which to view the situation.

I just gave my example because..well I've never really spoken to anyone about it!

Nervous Wreck

snuggles285 wrote: »

What do you think of a friendzone situation so?

Generally, I think being friends with someone-real friends, that is-is a wonderful thing. If you want more and the friend doesn't, well I guess you gotta get over it... It's unfortunate but it has to be done. But it's easier said. The important thing is to realise that if you have feelings for someone and they're not reciprocated, that person isn't worthy of those feelings. The only people worthy of seeing your heart are those willing to show you theirs in kind. People don't get put in the 'friendzone' by the objects of their affection, they create a box around themselves to protect themselves from feeling alienated by someone they like....

Novella

What do I think of the friend-zone? I have a good few close guy friends and my best friend is a guy, and I hate when people say things like, "Oh, he is stuck in the friend-zone with you!". It makes me feel like, I dunno, I've done something really mean and put the guy in question in a place where he doesn't wanna be.

Afaik, my guy friends are perfectly happy being just friends with me, as I am with them. If I found out that one of them wanted more, I'm not really sure what I'd do. If he told me himself, I'd explain how I feel etc.

I'm sure I have been in the 'friend-zone' myself where I've wanted more than a friendship from a guy who didn't want more from me, but that's just life really. Nothing you can do except get over it.

Lia_lia

What does "friendzone" mean?

vicecreamsundae

it's when you secretly fancy a friend, but they have no idea, and you feel like you cant make a move because you've left it too long and they feel you're too much of a platonic friend. the term is a play on 'the end zone', used in american football.

if you find yourself stuck in the friendzone, you have two choices. bite your tongue and just decide to be happy enough being friends, or take a risk and speak up about your feelings -they might like you back and you can get together, they might not like you back and find it to be too awkward to be friends anymore, or they might not like you back and you'll both be able to stay friends [but unlikely].

Faith

I don't know, I think if you find yourself "stuck" in the friend zone, you should do whatever you can to get unstuck. Either confess your feelings and be prepared for rejection, or withdraw from the friendship until your feelings are gone. My friend is in love with her friend. From everything she's said, it sounds like he likes her too. But from what I can see, both are convinced they're stuck in the friend zone and neither is willing to make a proper move. It's killing her, but she's rather be sure of being unhappy than take a stab at happiness.

I don't think it's fair to say you're "stuck in the friend zone" or whatever, because that shifts the blame entirely off yourself and onto your innocent friend. If you're in the friend zone, it's due to your own inaction and you should take responsibility for that. Moaning about it won't get you anywhere, and it's that attitude that probably landed you there in the first place. People need to take chances and make opportunities - that involves the risk of rejection, but also the chance of success. Inaction guarantees mediocrity and probably unhappiness in the long run.

I have plenty of guy friends, but I'd never assume any of them fancy me. I flirt with all of them, and they flirt back, so I'd never assume anything more was in play. I'd expect them to be frank about it if they did want more. I've had a friend confess he was in love with me. We discussed it, I made it clear (sensitively) that nothing would ever happen, and we got past it and are still good friends. We did need a little break from each other, but it wasn't the end of the friendship by any means. And I have eternal respect for him for having the balls to tell me!

You don't expect to learn to drive by sitting in the passenger seat of a car, so why would you expect a friend to be interested in you if you never let them know that you're interested in them? Unfortunately we're not psychic, and I think if people of both sexes learned to be more forward and make more opportunities for themselves, we'd all be a lot happier .

Chuchoter

Boys don't seem to understand friendzone EVER, I'm being nice because I'm nice that doesn't mean I'm in love with you.

Wolfe Tone

I flirt with all of them, and they flirt back

If one of them is "friendzoned" that must be very confusing for him.

veryangryman

Lia_lia wrote: »

What does "friendzone" mean?

Its only the friendzone where you dont actually want to be just friends

Girls im mates with through actual friendship..i dont think of myself as in the friendzone with them

elleburp

I never make friends with guys I fancy, I can barely speak sense to them.

Every male friend I have has made a pass at me at some stage but I've never kissed any of them and we're still friends. They get over it and when they find a girlfriend then it's a guilt-free, history-free friendship. As far as I'm concerned I'd rather have the friends than the snogs with friends I barely fancy

Carsinian Thau

elleburp wrote: »

Every male friend I have has made a pass at me at some stage but I've never kissed any of them and we're still friends.

Every single one? :eek:

Maybe I know very different people compared to you (and am a very different person compared to your friends) but I do find that very hard to imagine in a functional group of friends. Would that not create awful tension?

Misticles

oh god!
I'm trying to get a fella into the friendzone, hes apparently in love with me.
When we got together he was just so over bearing and I couldn handle it! completely different to when we were just friends.

he just wont go into the zone!

Carsinian Thau

You need to find some way of letting him know that he can either know you as a friend or not at all. Tough but ultimately, fairer on both of you.

Faith

Misticles wrote: »

oh god!
I'm trying to get a fella into the friendzone, hes apparently in love with me.
When we got together he was just so over bearing and I couldn handle it! completely different to when we were just friends.

he just wont go into the zone!

You can't "force" somebody into a friendzone. In fact, he's already there as far as you're concerned. Grow a pair and tell him straight out that you're not interested. Obliquely trying to get him to see you as just a friend again is thoughtless and selfish. You got together but you've decided you're not interested any longer, while he's fallen hard for you. Unless he knows that you're not interested, beyond a shadow of a doubt, he's not going to move on.

elleburp

Carsinian Thau wrote: »

Every single one? :eek:

Maybe I know very different people compared to you (and am a very different person compared to your friends) but I do find that very hard to imagine in a functional group of friends. Would that not create awful tension?

Yea, every one of them. That's probably hard to believe but it's true. I'm really trying hard to think of one who hasn't made a pass at some point or another, and I'm drawing a blank.

It doesn't create tension no, they fancy me - they're not in love with me. We can still hang out, do things together, they're more fun than most of the girl friends I have at my age. Once they know that I don't fancy them (and I do let them down gently) then they lose interest. But I'm good craic and I'm dead sound so why wouldn't they stay friends with me, I don't make it an issue cos I'm just not that full of myself. Some of them don't want to be mates once they know it's going nowhere but that's their loss, the good ones stick around.

And I don't have a "functional group of friends". I'm a bit more diverse than that. Are you assuming that I only have one group of friends?

G86

I have guys that are friends that I've dated/kissed - but I wouldn't say they're in the 'friendzone', because that implies they don't want to be there and that would make me a little uncomfortable. I'd rather not know! When I was single, I'd usually keep in touch with guys I met/dated, even if it didn't go anywhere. I never once thought I was leading them on, because to be honest, that's their responsibility - if they can't handle a friendship then they should walk away.

Wibbs

Faith wrote: »

You can't "force" somebody into a friendzone. In fact, he's already there as far as you're concerned. Grow a pair and tell him straight out that you're not interested. Obliquely trying to get him to see you as just a friend again is thoughtless and selfish. You got together but you've decided you're not interested any longer, while he's fallen hard for you. Unless he knows that you're not interested, beyond a shadow of a doubt, he's not going to move on.

This. Any other angle is as Faith says selfish and all about you and what you want. Easy trap to fall into but not a nice one.

Carsinian Thau

elleburp wrote: »

Yea, every one of them. That's probably hard to believe but it's true. I'm really trying hard to think of one who hasn't made a pass at some point or another, and I'm drawing a blank.

It doesn't create tension no, they fancy me - they're not in love with me. We can still hang out, do things together, they're more fun than most of the girl friends I have at my age. Once they know that I don't fancy them (and I do let them down gently) then they lose interest. But I'm good craic and I'm dead sound so why wouldn't they stay friends with me, I don't make it an issue cos I'm just not that full of myself. Some of them don't want to be mates once they know it's going nowhere but that's their loss, the good ones stick around.

I'll admit to still finding it a little hard to imagine, but I don't need to see something to determine that it's possible. (If possible, I'd like that to be interpreted as a particle physics reference rather than a religious one).

elleburp wrote: »

And I don't have a "functional group of friends". I'm a bit more diverse than that. Are you assuming that I only have one group of friends?

Not sure why you'd flag this as it's largely a grammatical issue. But if you had multiple groups of friends, every group could be either functional or not so the statement that I'd find it "difficult to imagine in a functional group of friends" could apply to a single group or multiple groups, as to my mind you would have to reflect on each group individually so as to determine its functionality (or lack thereof, potentially) as every group will vary as determined by the individuals that comprise it so my use of the singular is perfectly acceptable.


But just out of curiosity, have the other women in your groups of friends had similar experiences?

elleburp

Carsinian Thau wrote: »

Not sure why you'd flag this as it's largely a grammatical issue. But if you had multiple groups of friends, every group could be either functional or not so the statement that I'd find it "difficult to imagine in a functional group of friends" could apply to a single group or multiple groups, as to my mind you would have to reflect on each group individually so as to determine its functionality (or lack thereof, potentially) as every group will vary as determined by the individuals that comprise it so my use of the singular is perfectly acceptable.


But just out of curiosity, have the other women in your groups of friends had similar experiences?

I think you've missed my point but that's probably my own fault. I'm not a grammatical expert. I got tangled up in what you're trying to say there


The single good looking women that I know have had similar but maybe not with every male friend. I'd imagine that that particular distinction is something you'd have to ask them. I certainly don't speak about it for the very reason of not wanting to make an issue out of it. If a friend tries to kiss me that's fine, I don't feel any need to make it a topic of conversation with mutual friends. The whole point is that I'm trying to keep the friendship and turning something like that into cheap gossip would be disrespectful in my opinion

Carsinian Thau

elleburp wrote: »

I think you've missed my point but that's probably my own fault. I'm not a grammatical expert. I got tangled up in what you're trying to say there

I probably have. Maybe we could try that part again?

elleburp wrote: »

The single good looking women that I know have had similar but maybe not with every male friend. I'd imagine that that particular distinction is something you'd have to ask them. I certainly don't speak about it for the very reason of not wanting to make an issue out of it. If a friend tries to kiss me that's fine, I don't feel any need to make it a topic of conversation with mutual friends. The whole point is that I'm trying to keep the friendship and turning something like that into cheap gossip would be disrespectful in my opinion

Therein could lie the difference between our experiences. It would become a massively big deal in any of my social circles simply because most of the people I know wouldn't be mature enough to handle it the way you do. It really doesn't help that pretty much all of these social circles are actually subsets of a larger group so when one person decides that they'll just talk about it with "three or four" it soon becomes a discussion involving so much more than that. I've seen some ridiculous situations develop because of the gossip element that occurs in the aftermath of ill-thought out actions.

I must admit that from a psychosocial standpoint, I do find this very interesting.

Mystery solved so: to avoid tension in situations like that. Be mature.

elleburp

Carsinian Thau wrote: »

I probably have. Maybe we could try that part again?

Therein could lie the difference between our experiences. It would become a massively big deal in any of my social circles simply because most of the people I know wouldn't be mature enough to handle it the way you do. It really doesn't help that pretty much all of these social circles are actually subsets of a larger group so when one person decides that they'll just talk about it with "three or four" it soon becomes a discussion involving so much more than that. I've seen some ridiculous situations develop because of the gossip element that occurs in the aftermath of ill-thought out actions.

I must admit that from a psychosocial standpoint, I do find this very interesting.

Mystery solved so: to avoid tension in situations like that. Be mature.

I'm 30 now but I guess it would have been different when I was 20, where my friends were all from college. No matter how much you might try to keep a snog a secret, there's little hope of keeping a failed snog or a crush a secret. Not among the lads in my class anyway. That's where it becomes a big deal and the awkwardness in the friendship stems from there.

The only thing I can say about that is try your kiss when you aren't with college people, but that's almost impossible to do.

Are we veering off topic?

The groups of friends thing: I've got 3 friends from college, 3 from an old job, 7 or 8 that I gig with/go to festivals with... These are friends rather than mates, people I enjoy being with, people I care about, people who'd visit me if I was in hospital, real friends. And it's the single guys in these bunches that have all tried to kiss me at one point or other

Misticles

Faith wrote: »

You can't "force" somebody into a friendzone. In fact, he's already there as far as you're concerned. Grow a pair and tell him straight out that you're not interested. Obliquely trying to get him to see you as just a friend again is thoughtless and selfish. You got together but you've decided you're not interested any longer, while he's fallen hard for you. Unless he knows that you're not interested, beyond a shadow of a doubt, he's not going to move on.

I have told him countless times that there isn't going to be an us anymore.

elleburp

I have found it impossible to keep ex's as friends. They either assume you still want to be with them or else they still want to be with you. I hate losing friends but when it comes to ex-boyfriends or ex-flings, it's just not possible to keep the friendship going when the fizzle dies. Ye can be distant mates, at best.

Morrisseys quiff

Theme tune for the friendzone!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VJLkwvxUj0U

Handsome Bob

Novella wrote: »

I hate when people say things like, "Oh, he is stuck in the friend-zone with you!"

That pisses me off no end, it's always the bloke that is accused of being in the friend zone. My best friend is female, and she's undoubtedly a beautiful looking woman, but we've gone too far into our friendship to the point where attraction doesn't come into it anymore. Yet I still get horse manure of "you would if given the opportunity though." No I wouldn't you ignorant ****. :rolleyes:

kiwi123

snuggles285 wrote: »

Say a girl has a couple of guy friends. Say one of the guy friends is very much in the 'friendzone'. This girl may or may not know that this guy might want to get out of the friendzone, she is unaware of this. If she does become aware what is she to do? Make a move on the guy hoping he might respond but what if its too late that he really only wanted a fling and nothing too serious cause he just got out of a relationship maybe? He might ingore her or just greet each other not much small talk like before when there were no complications and just acted like normal friends! All of a sudden they don't interact much with each other over time and then the weird thing happens...awkward silences and perhaps 'sexual tension'? how can these two people overcome such a situation? what would be your advice or opinion for this sort of thing?

I don't get what we're discussin about the friend zone, like what particualar aspect of it, so i'm beyond confused becasue everybody seems to be talking about different aspects of the friend zone?!

I think the main thing is that if nothing is going to come of it and you dont want anything to come of it, you have to at least respect the other person, don't lead them on and be gentle but firm. That way you're not a bitch or a tease, you're just being honest and fair.
It's part of our human nature and our relationships with those around us that we're going to develop feelings for people, click with people on different levels and sometimes it may get confusing, but lets be honest, eventually, these things can be gotten over and I know from my own experience the only way i can sleep well and guit free is by making it clear in the nicest possible way that nothing is going to happen.

I think the whole attitude of it being an 'inconvenience' is a terrible one to have becasue at the end of the day it's peoples emotions you're dealing with and obviously if this person is a genuine friend you've clicked with them on some level. The way they feel shouldn't be dispensible and dealt with in a wreckless way.

ciagr297

kiwi123 wrote: »

I think the main thing is that if nothing is going to come of it and you dont want anything to come of it, you have to at least respect the other person, don't lead them on and be gentle but firm. That way you're not a bitch or a tease, you're just being honest and fair.

fully agree here, i always aim to be straight up about it. but i have female friends who basically keep one guy at all times "on the bench" just in case they might either have good looking friends or decide that they are not getting any other action so he is batting.....
i mean maybe they like this, but it seems mean to me

I think the whole attitude of it being an 'inconvenience' is a terrible one to have becasue at the end of the day it's peoples emotions you're dealing with and obviously if this person is a genuine friend you've clicked with them on some level. The way they feel shouldn't be dispensible and dealt with in a wreckless way.

jebus, i have female friends who have dumped me, i'd hate to see how they deal with their male "friends":eek:

personally, i have alot of male friends. we're friends in the broadest sense of the word. i hang out with them, we go to alot of gigs etc but i always try to maintain a bit of distance so we don't run into the "are we friends" area. i hope that this is a good way to handle it, so far anyway, it seems to work for all. i think:D

Dravokivich

ciagr297 wrote: »

fully agree here, i always aim to be straight up about it. but i have female friends who basically keep one guy at all times "on the bench" just in case they might either have good looking friends or decide that they are not getting any other action so he is batting.....
i mean maybe they like this, but it seems mean to me

That's just down right terrible... How could they really be friends if basically they are laid out as if they are on a catalogue to be chosen from

crayolastereo wrote: »

Boys don't seem to understand friendzone EVER, I'm being nice because I'm nice that doesn't mean I'm in love with you.

Are you generalising boys as in under 18 or men also?

I wouldn't be suprised if a boy was to be confused, socialising with the opposite sex can be a daunting task for everyone envolved when there's little experience of how people would relate with each other. The simplest things can easliy be miss-understood.

entropi

LZ5by5 wrote: »

That pisses me off no end, it's always the bloke that is accused of being in the friend zone. My best friend is female, and she's undoubtedly a beautiful looking woman, but we've gone too far into our friendship to the point where attraction doesn't come into it anymore. Yet I still get horse manure of "you would if given the opportunity though." No I wouldn't you ignorant ****. :rolleyes:

Couldnt agree more mate! My best friend is also a woman, and strangely enough we've never been drunk together...and even when drunk and all inhibitions go out the window, I still wouldn't because our friendship means so much more and I dont feel that way about her

She's the type of friend that can tell me she loves me, and I can tell her that I love her too, but we know it's purely as best friends and that's how it'll stay:D

Scarinae

There was a thread on AH recently that was something along the lines of 'Can a man and a woman ever just be friends?' I thought that it was fairly obvious that they can, but I was really disheartened by all the usual AH rubbish - the general consensus was that guys are only friends with girls because they want to bone them. Unless they're mingers :mad:

I have lots of guys friends, and I highly doubt that they all want to have sex with me. I think it's actually very healthy to have friends of both sexes, and I'm really close to some of my guy friends without any sexual undertones, hugs and everything. It's nice though, I'd probably go mental in an all-female environment.

It can be a bit awkward when you realise a guy is in the 'friendzone' though. I suspect one of my guy friends has a bit of a thing for me, and don't really know what to do apart from ignore it... He knows full well I have a boyfriend so it's not like anything will ever happen

CuriousKathy

I think everyone will always have different opinions on the topic

Hermione*

CuriousKathy wrote: »

I think everyone will always have different opinions on the topic

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