Living in different countries..can it work?

LegacyUser

I'm really stressed about a new situation I have with a guy at the moment. I'm not sure if I'm looking to pick holes in it or just being realistic..anyway..opinions would help.

I recently started seeing this absolutely lovely guy. We built up a friendship before anything actually happened over a long period of time, knowing we liked each other, and I'm very glad that we did, as we have serious chemistry right now. I've been single for a few years, though I've dated a lot during that time. His social life in terms of girls wouldn't have been as active as mine, though he's got loads of friends etc. I honestly feel like he's the guy I've been waiting to meet. We finally hooked up recently (just kissing!) and I had butterflies in my stomach the whole next day. Just thinking about him makes me smile, and I know he really likes me too.

The problem is that we live in different countries. It's only here and the UK (I met him here and he's from here), but I'm stuck in Ireland for at least the next two years and he's there for the foreseeable future. I've a very busy job anyway and would rarely be able to see a boyfriend outside of weekends, even if he lived nearby. If this goes somewhere, we'd probably see each other, on average, a couple of nights a fortnight, maybe more often if we were lucky.

I was so excited about feeling the way I do about him and knowing he likes me just as much back, but the reality of the situation just dawned on me tonight. I think we're both in the frame of mind where we want relationships, though neither of us were desperately seeking them out. There's a little part of me that's wondering why I'd go into something where I'd be endlessly missing someone. The main part of me wants to get into it anyway and see where it goes. I think he's worth the risk.

I'm also worried about discussing the reality of it so early on with him. I have an awful tendency to over-analyse and discuss things to death with boyfriends, wanting to "fix" situations that maybe aren't broken and that I should just make the best of, and I feel this could be one of those times. I'd say he's wondering the same thing though as he's quite introspective and he mentioned briefly last week that the distance upsets/bothers him.

Is it completely naive of me to think this would work? We'll have to broach the topic obviously, but should I leave it til I see him in person in a week or two or should I say it sooner? I'm all stressed out and have a sick feeling at the pit of my stomach at the thought of this potentially amazing relationship slipping away..

whatsamsn

Take a look at this thread
http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055985872
It'll give you outlooks on Long Distance Relationships.



My two cents (for what its worth),
I dont see this working out sadly.
Sad fact is majority of LDR's dont work out. Due to various reasons.

But the important issue is you have only recently started to date him. Its not like you've been dating him for a long period. (heck, even long term relationships that turn long distance don't work out)

So sadly op... I think you shouldnt expect it to work out.

sbsquarepants

Sadly OP, i would say the odds are against you, but thats basing it on my own view of the world, ie it wouldn't work for me!
But you aren't me, so the only way you'll know is by giving it a go!
I'd advise you to try think of it more as a casual kind of thing though initially rather than a full on, real deal relationship. Play it by ear, have a laugh and hope for the best.
Good luck!!

Contessa Raven

Hi OP,

I'll give you the experience I have witnessed.

My dad met his current OH in Liverpool when he went over for a weekend with his friends. They met, swapped numbers and have been with eachother ever since. My dad goes over to see her every second or third weekend. She comes to visit us when she can get time off (she's in a very very busy job so can only come over about 3 times a year).

My dad and his OH have been together for 8 years now. I wont deny it takes work but if you are willing to take the risk and devote time and attention to it then it can work.

CR

MsHolloway

Hi op,
Having been in two (yes two!) disastrous ldr with horrible endings I'll give you my 2 cents.

Go for it! If he makes you feel like that then its at least worth a try!

Whats the alternative? End it with a guy you really like over what may happen in the future. With any relationship, you're never going to know how its going to work out. You just have to take that leap and hope for the best.

If it all goes belly up well then least you can tell yourself you gave it a go, imho thats better then wondering what if and feeling regret.

cutymonalisa

MsHolloway wrote: »

Hi op,
Having been in two (yes two!) disastrous ldr with horrible endings I'll give you my 2 cents.

Go for it! If he makes you feel like that then its at least worth a try!

Whats the alternative? End it with a guy you really like over what may happen in the future. With any relationship, you're never going to know how its going to work out. You just have to take that leap and hope for the best.

If it all goes belly up well then least you can tell yourself you gave it a go, imho thats better then wondering what if and feeling regret.

What MsHolloway said!

One of my biggest regrets is walking away from a LDR after about 3 months - that was 4 years ago. Think of him every day and what could have been but I didnt give it a chance because of my own anxiousness (like you are experiencing now) and fear of future hurt. We cant predict the future - go for it, you have nothing to loose.

LegacyUser

Thanks soooo much for all the responses! Really appreciate it!

I feel slightly less anxious about everything now. I've done a long-distance thing myself before, but I feel like that was different because he went away travelling and there wasn't the option of frequent visits. At least with this, we're in different countries from the start and not experiencing an upheaval or one person moving away to somewhere new and exciting.

Someone there said to think of it in more casual terms... Obviously I'm not being really intense with him or discussing the future etc but I think it's fairly natural to wonder, "where can this go?" from an early stage. I'm in my late twenties and have wasted way too much time in the past when I wasn't honest with myself about what I wanted and hoped for within relationships, so I'm trying to be more honest with myself now i.e. I DON'T want an occasional hook-up or FB scenario. If I'm with him and putting the effort in, it'd have to be a boyfriend/girlfriend set-up!

I definitely don't want to miss out on this. And like you guys said, you never know what's going to happen with any new relationship. The potential for getting hurt down the line definitely doesn't terrify me too much. I'm pretty resilient!

LegacyUser

two good friends of mine had only been together about 6 weeks when one of them moved to England. They would see each other about every two weeks for a weekend, taking turns visiting each other. That was four years ago. Last year they moved in together and theyre one of the most contented and down to earth couples I know!

angel01

A few years ago, i started to date (my current OH), I was in Ireland, He lived in England and we saw each other as often as we could, you have to make sure you keep in communication as much as possible and then eventually for one of you to make the sacrifice to move in together, we now both live in Dublin, and it has all worked out well for us.

So yes, it can work You have to really work at it and want it to work.

scoondle

Living in two different countries.

Ireland and England ? To me that would have been heaven ! Try Ireland and Philippines ! Did it for 4 years. It works out in the end ( so far !! haha).

darad

Ive been in a long distance relationship now for nearly 6 years, between Ireland and UK - we are still in love and still going strong. Do what makes you happy for now and let the future take care of itself. Thats what I told myself because if you were to think it through and try to come to conclusions it wont happen. Just enjoy. Also, I recommend you get the codes for cheap phone calls. Its what has kept us going in between visits.

Eve_Dublin

Sure it's only London...you could go every weekend if you wanted to. Give it a go....the chances of meeting someone you really click with are slim so you have to grab it with both hands when it comes your way!

Good luck OP!

It's worked out for me so far, and my BF was in Asia for a year. Chances are, I'll end up working on the continent before the end of the year, so it might be long distance again. Some people think it's crazy but I don't. Sure, it's very difficult but I find we don't take each other for granted as much as we might otherwise. England and Ireland is hardly a LDR, even. You could see each other every 2 weeks, no problem. A lot of people are really cynical and say 'oh you'll get cheated on' but I honestly had more trust issues with my ex, who I lived with, because he was a sneaky, selfish git. It really depends on the people involved.