Marriage Dillema

LegacyUser

Have been married to my wife for 5 years and together 5 years before that. Things have been going down hill for about 2 years now. We were never to clingy with each i.e holding hands, kissing, etc, it was just something she always seemed really coy about. As for our sex life has been non existent except for a few occasions, and when we did it was just straight forward and boring never any kissing and absolutley no passion, i do try and kiss and cuddle but she just brushes me off and tells me to stop messing. I have suggested new things to try and spice it up but shes not interested. The problem is i just dont know how much more i can take, i feel totally rejected, i suppose i crave some sort of intimacy and feeling. I am rapidly falling out of love with her, starting to doubt if i ever was! I am also developing an unhealthy addiction to porn as seems to be my only release. I am also quite close to a girl at work, nothing has happened yet between us, she is always flirting with me and we seem to get on great, i'm starting to wish that something might develop between us, i feel like i'm starting to fall for her, i know its wrong but my heart is telling me its so right. I daydream about her all the time thinking what it would be like to in a relationship with her, shes sexy funny and always paying me compliments something my wife has'nt done in years,

What should i do? think my head is going to burst.

Wisco

Have you talked to her at all about why she's not interested in being intimate? Perhaps her interest has waned or she doesn't feel attracted to you any more?
I would think that talking about it would be a start and if you get nowhere with that perhaps you have to think about other options. If you're not happy and don't see a way to be happy in future it may over. You have to talk to her though, at least if you want have any hope of saving things.

astra2000

Hi you need to forget about this other girl and concentrate on your marriage. Do you have children maybe your wife is tired all the time? You need to speak with her about this.Maybe she could speak to her doctor as there maybe something else affecting her sex drive other than not been attracted to you. But what ever is going on you need to know so you can make a desision on what to do, getting involved with a third person while you are still with your wife will ruin whatever chance you have of saving your marriage.

NUIG_FiannaFail

OP - you're married first and foremost. What should you do? here's what I suggest:

1. Throw out the computer. ''I am also developing an unhealthy addiction to porn'' - only way to solve that particular habit.

2. Talk to and confide in a friend or a priest and get them to keep you on the straight and narrow. Do not talk to or communicate with that other woman at work unless it is totally nessecary for work reasons. Even then keep it cold and frosty.

You made a commitment for life to your wife and there is no getting out of it. Get the shovel out and put the work into the marriage.

Best of luck OP

Beruthiel

Marriagestruggle wrote: »

As for our sex life has been non existent except for a few occasions, and when we did it was just straight forward and boring never any kissing and absolutley no passion, i do try and kiss and cuddle.

OP
Have you said anything like the above to your wife?
There is something going on here and she needs to talk about it, either with you or a professional.
Either way, there would appear to be more than meets the eye here and you both need to get to the bottom of it.
Ask her straight out if she wishes to be married to you anymore because from where you're standing, it doesn't look like it.
See what she has to say.
Good luck.

FortyPlusHubby

Marriagestruggle wrote: »

What should i do? think my head is going to burst.

Tackle one problem at a time. You cannot refurbish your marriage if you're thinking about this woman at work.

Why has your wife become so cold towards you? Have you asked? Can you suggest counselling? You need to let her know you are serious about this.

You have not mentioned kids.... is there an issue there?

Is it possible that you have a physical problem that repells her? I mean specifically an oral hygiene issue like bad breath that you're not aware of? It may seem trite, but that's a huge issue for anyone, love or no love.

Work with your wife to improve things. If it fails, if you both decide this relationship is over, then consider your options. Don't go messing around behind your wife's back ...... it leads to worse problems in the long run.


Best of luck,


40pH

Redpunto

Chances are she is feeling some form of resentment against you as well, these things are never normally one person's "fault". DO you pay your wife enough attention, are you affectionate without wanting "more", do you listen to her and spend time together?

sickofwaiting

This is why marriage is a bad idea. The relationship is dead in the water and you are just not actually compatible. If you were unmarried people would be telling you to get out now as the relationship is dead in the water. I just don't understand in these (supposedly) enlightened days why people get married....who knows how you are going to feel about a person in 2, 5, or 10 years time...why cant people just stay together if they remain on good terms and finish it if things are irretrievably bad without the whole rigarmarole of breaking up a marriage.

greengiant09

couldn't agree more with the above post!!!....divorce rates are around 50% and i'd say the amount of happy marriages from the remaining 50% are not that high.

astra2000

greengiant and sickofwaiting Marriage and indeed any long term relationships take work just like anything worth while. All relationships go through rough times and if we gave up when the going gets tough then our lives would be a series of broken relationships ending with what? If everyone had that attitude to relationships then how could there ever be trust knowing that your partner would just bail out once things got a bit difficult. OP I wouldnt say your relationship is dead in the water talk to your wife and make her aware of how you feel dont be afraid of hurting her feelings by saying how rejected you feel because it will be a lot more hurtful if you act on your feelings for your work colleague.

Cheap Thrills!

astra2000 wrote: »

greengiant and sickofwaiting Marriage and indeed any long term relationships take work just like anything worth while. All relationships go through rough times and if we gave up when the going gets tough then our lives would be a series of broken relationships ending with what?

A happy one.

astra2000 wrote: »

If everyone had that attitude to relationships then how could there ever be trust knowing that your partner would just bail out once things got a bit difficult.

Trust is earned not given by default. And a partner knowing you will leave if they pi$$ about keeps them on their toes. Every day is important. Too many times people get the ring on and think they can coast. THey can't because that's just not good enough.

astra2000 wrote: »

OP I wouldnt say your relationship is dead in the water talk to your wife and make her aware of how you feel dont be afraid of hurting her feelings by saying how rejected you feel because it will be a lot more hurtful if you act on your feelings for your work colleague.

I reckon it is dead in the water but do lay your cards on the table so she can't play the dying swan when you leave her. Her behaviour is way out of order and she needs to know it. stop accepting it.

petethebrick

NUIG_FiannaFail wrote: »

OP - you're married first and foremost. What should you do? here's what I suggest:

1. Throw out the computer. ''I am also developing an unhealthy addiction to porn'' - only way to solve that particular habit.

2. Talk to and confide in a friend or a priest and get them to keep you on the straight and narrow. Do not talk to or communicate with that other woman at work unless it is totally nessecary for work reasons. Even then keep it cold and frosty.

You made a commitment for life to your wife and there is no getting out of it. Get the shovel out and put the work into the marriage.

Best of luck OP

This is retarded holy joe advice OP. Don't heed it.
Why shouldn't he use porn if his wife isn't satifying any of his sexual/intimacy needs.
Why should he talk to a priest - what the fcuk do they know about sexual/intimacy issues in marriage???
Commitment for life?? - not any more, we sensibly introduced divorce in this country for the occassions when marriages fail in order to give people a fresh chance at happiness

OP - of course try to sort this out with your wife. But if she isn't willing to address the issue be it through therapy, counselling etc then it sounds like it's time to call the marriage a day mate. good luck

Wibbs

Marriagestruggle wrote: »

We were never to clingy with each i.e holding hands, kissing, etc, it was just something she always seemed really coy about.

It sounds like this is not a new thing with her, so why the surprise now? I dont agree with others who are putting the blame on her for suddenly changing. Like you said she was always like this, so why did you marry her after 5 years of knowing that this was how she is?

LegacyUser

Cheap Thrills! wrote: »

A happy one.

Yhea until that too gets hard as all relationships do at some stage. Op give your marriage speak with your wife and get councelling before things get worse.

LegacyUser

One of the reasons long term couples split is because their needs change. It seems in the beginning you both were okay with the emotional distance but as time has passed you are bothered by this. What makes this very sad is she doesn't seem bothered by it.

You need to tell her how this rejection is bothering you. If her attitude is that this is how she is, was and will always be, so accept it, then you need to decide if you can. You should also tell her you are currently substituting sexual intimacy with porn and have been considering looking for a woman to give you the real thing. Just be matter of fact and don't give too many details, especially regarding the woman at work because she just might jump to the conclusion you're already sleeping with her. Do not make her feel blackmailed but explain you have intimacy needs and how rejected you feel.

She can't expect faithfulness (your part of the deal) if she isn't holding up her end (providing intimacy and comfort). I realise this sounds crude and rather quid pro quo but relationships are about those involved and not just the desires of one person. If you aren't compatible, you need to decide if you can live like this.

I wish you luck.

Zen65

Marriagestruggle wrote: »

I am also quite close to a girl at work, nothing has happened yet between us, she is always flirting with me and we seem to get on great, i'm starting to wish that something might develop between us, i feel like i'm starting to fall for her, i know its wrong but my heart is telling me its so right. I daydream about her all the time thinking what it would be like to in a relationship with her, shes sexy funny and always paying me compliments something my wife has'nt done in years,

What should i do? think my head is going to burst.

I think if you're unhappy at home, then any chance of happiness outside the home is appealing. This woman at work flirts with you, compliments you, all the things you no longer get from your wife. But this office girl probably believes she is safe in flirting with you because you're married? If you tried to move towards a relationship with her she would possibly back off quickly, and that's very messy in a workplace.

What if she didn't? What if she was glad of the relationship, where would it go? Ultimately you would have to deal with the core issue, which is that you are in a relationship which is not working well. Sooner or later, that needs to be tackled. Sooner is better.

So stop fantasizing about office girl, sit down with your wife and talk about it. Look for counselling, there's some very good counselling services out there. You've put a lot of years into the relationship and to walk away without trying to solve your problems is setting yourself up for problems in any future relationships you might have. All relationships have low periods, but without facing up to that, they just get worse.

Office girl is not a fall-back nor a safety net, she is a whole new set of future problems you just have not thought about yet. Read some of the threads here by people who have messed up more than one relationship by moving from partner to partner without dealing with the real issues.

In the end, trying to make your marriage work is the best course of action, even if it fails. Closure is a lot less messy than cheating in the long run.

Be at peace,

Z