Hate going to weddings

LegacyUser

There is a wedding of a family relation of mine coming up and it causing a lot of friction between me and my parents because I have decided not to go. My parents (well more specifically my Mom) is very unhappy about this. I am determined not to go for a variety of reasons; I am a poor socialiser (not anti-social, just shy and quiet).
I don't know what to say to people, especially those I haven't met for years.
I also speak in a low voice and people sometimes can't hear me.
I also hate having my photo taken, I was looking back at some of me in photos taken recently and I hated the sight of myself, I couldn't look at them (even though I have been told I am quite good-looking) .
I also hate wearing suits as I am short (5 foot 6) and stocky and I look terrible in them. I also don't have a girlfriend and all my cousins (who are going to be there) do and they are in and around my age. I am also unemployed at the moment so I don't want to be asked the inevitable "So what are you doing now?"
I am not bothered about going, like I say I hate weddings but I am just wondering if it is unusual?

Neyite

to improve communication skills, i would recommend the book 'how to win friends and influence people' by dale carnagie. it was written in the 40s, but is still relevant today. its years since i read it, but i remember a key point in the book that a great conversationalist is first and foremost a good listener. the book gives a good few pointers on how to ask people things to let them do all the talking, so you dont have to:)

secondly - i hate having my pic taken too, so i make sure that im behind the camera - you might have to go into one or two, but you can always delete discreetly afterwards.

5ft6 in a suit is not too short, but if it is such a big problem, how about after the church bit, the jacket comes off. its the shoulder width of the jacket that can make you look stocky, once you take it off, you'll be grand, its just a shirt and trousers then.

being a single guy at weddings is a lot easier to handle the nosy relatives that being a single girl - and besides, if you did have a girl there, do you really want all the aunties/ grans nudgeing you and her for a big day out. just say your not ready to settle down yet, or contemplating the priesthood or something. :rolleyes:

if you are worried about your lack job, etc, well it would want to be an awful eejit that brings that up in this current climate, but if they did, well, just say that at the moment, xyz is your field, and you are currently looking for work, but its slim pickings.

you dont have to be a big chatter to fit in, in fact, a good listener is a rare and admirable thing.

Cheap Thrills!

Most people don't jump for joy at wedding invitations, but they are part of life you just have to endure.

It's not about you. You are very self involved, worrying about your lack of job, gf and appearance.

Just go along and do your best. The way you feel is quite normal (I'm presuming you are a teen/young adult) but you need to break the habit of focusing on yourself.

In all liklihoods no-one will be truly scandalised at your lack of job or girlfriend, people who ask these things are only making small talk and do not actually really care at all.

Go along and don't be avoidant.

LegacyUser

Neyite wrote: »

i remember a key point in the book that a great conversationalist is first and foremost a good listener.

it's interesting you should say that because I prefer listening to people than talking myself. I don't know why some people feel to need to be talking all the time and have no interest in other people's opinions.

Neyite wrote: »

5ft6 in a suit is not too short, but if it is such a big problem, how about after the church bit, the jacket comes off. its the shoulder width of the jacket that can make you look stocky, once you take it off, you'll be grand, its just a shirt and trousers then.

That's actually always what I do, I hate the jacket, it makes me look stocky so I take it off at the first opportunity and I also open the top button of the shirt and loosen the tie.

Neyite wrote: »

if you are worried about your lack job, etc, well it would want to be an awful eejit that brings that up in this current climate, but if they did, well, just say that at the moment, xyz is your field, and you are currently looking for work, but its slim pickings.

Well that's actually the thing; some of my cousins have such mind-numbing ignorance that they WILL bring it up.

Neyite wrote: »

you dont have to be a big chatter to fit in, in fact, a good listener is a rare and admirable thing.

It's a shame more people don't think so.

Beruthiel

liam99 wrote: »

My parents (well more specifically my Mom)

Tell your mother to back off. If you don't wish to go to a wedding, don't.
Tell her the bride & groom won't give a toss, in fact, you'll be saving them about €100 by not turning up.

I think most people hate weddings, but they suck it up and go. In my opinion it's one of those many things you do as an teen/adult that you might not want to do. My brother and sister missed a recent family wedding and their absence was noted by everyone, even though they had fairly good reasons for not going. You seem extremely self obsessed, if I'm honest. So what if people make comments about you not having a date (which would be ridiculous, I've never brought a BF to a family wedding) or not having a job? Just tell them the truth. As for wearing a suit and how you look in photos, you're going to have to get over it. It's not your day, people are going to be focused on what the bride is wearing, not gossiping about the suit of some male relative. I don't think it's unusual to hate weddings, but I think it's unusual to point blank refuse to go.

dan_d

Thing about it is, OP, that going to weddings isn't going to get any easier if you keep deciding not to go.

It's a bit of a rock and a hard place. The most important thing to remember is that everyone is not looking at you or thinking about you all the time. As for your cousins...why do you have to answer them? Make a joke about it, and turn the conversation back on them...ask them what they're doing.And if they enjoy it. People love to talk about themselves!

As for the jacket thing - it's really not that big a deal. If it bothers you too much, can you get a new one? If not, take it off, as suggested.

At the end of the day, this wedding is about the bride and groom, not you.

pickarooney

If you don't want to go to a wedding (or a funeral, or a bar mitzvah or a 90th birthday party...) don't go. How hard can it be?

LegacyUser

I just hate those types of occasions. The whole thing of putting on a suit, going to church, sitting down to a meal, I just hate it.
I feel like an idiot. I know it's not about me and that everyone is not looking at me or thinking about me all the time and it is self obsession.
The thing is I don't like myself, I can't stand the humiliation of being exposed to people, it's hard to explain.
Although as pickarooney said it's quite simple:don't go. But I'll probably be the only one of the family who won't be there. I can make up an excuse but they will probably suspect it is bs.

pickarooney

pickarooney wrote: »

If you don't want to go to a wedding (or a funeral, or a bar mitzvah or a 90th birthday party...) don't go. How hard can it be?

Because life isn't like that. You don't just decide you're not going to do anything you don't want to do and to hell with everyone else. Sometimes your presence means a lot to someone else. I had to miss a family gathering this year because of an exam and I felt awful. Everyone was asking where I was and if I was OK. To me, deciding you're just not going to do something just because you don't feel like it is really very selfish and immature. Family weddings/birthdays/bar mitzvahs are in a special category of things you really should go to. His parents are obviously upset that he's not going, could he not just put up with a few hours of feeling uncomfortable? It's hardly a big thing to ask. I hate these types of occasions too, I have social anxiety and I really don't enjoy them, but I don't think 'well I just won't bother so.' I go and I make an effort.

xzanti

Cheap Thrills! wrote: »

It's not about you. You are very self involved, worrying about your lack of job, gf and appearance.

.

I don't think that's fair tbh, there's a difference between shyness and being self involved.. This guy just seems genuinely shy.. OP if you don't want to go then don't.. just rsvp as soon as you can that you're not going and they can give your invite to someone else in your place..

You don't have to do anything that you're not comfortable with.. it's not the end of the world..

muboop1

xzanti wrote: »

I don't think that's fair tbh, there's a difference between shyness and being self involved.. This guy just seems genuinely shy.. OP if you don't want to go then don't.. just rsvp as soon as you can that you're not going and they can give your invite to someone else in your place..

You don't have to do anything that you're not comfortable with.. it's not the end of the world..

True, but I get the impression that the OP has some issues. Whilst he did not come here to address those issues, he may enjoy things in general more if he could address them.

So Op, do you want to discuss issues etc? Or are you happy as you are?

boarduser1980

liam99 wrote: »

I just hate those types of occasions. The whole thing of putting on a suit, going to church, sitting down to a meal, I just hate it.
I feel like an idiot. I know it's not about me and that everyone is not looking at me or thinking about me all the time and it is self obsession.
The thing is I don't like myself, I can't stand the humiliation of being exposed to people, it's hard to explain.
Although as pickarooney said it's quite simple:don't go. But I'll probably be the only one of the family who won't be there. I can make up an excuse but they will probably suspect it is bs.

Liam if you dont want to do something, dont be forced into it. I sent out wedding invitations for my wedding last year to cousins etc, some came back saying they couldnt make it but might come to the afters. i didnt question why they couldnt make it, cos i thought they either could make it or they couldnt. your relations mite just asking in passing 'wheres liam', and after 5 secs they'd have forgotton about you. So if you dont want to go - DONT GO

LegacyUser

xzanti wrote: »

. ust rsvp as soon as you can that you're not going and they can give your invite to someone else in your place..

I can't do that; I sent back the RSVP saying I was going even though I didn't intend to. It looks more convincing if it looks like I was going to go but then something came up at the last minute that stopped me going. I feel bad about lying though.
All my relatives know I am shy but it's more than that; I suffer from social anxiety as well. I was also recently turned down for a job that I put an awful lot of effort into getting and I had a depressive episode recently that turned really bad (I don't want to go into details).
I am on medication for depression which is a real blow to my self-esteem (as if it isn't low enough being on the dole and living at home).
My confidence is low and I just don't feel up to facing the world at the moment.

boarduser1980

liam99 wrote: »

I can't do that; I sent back the RSVP saying I was going even though I didn't intend to.

the bride and groom have 72 hours before the wedding day to give their final figures to the hotel regarding the sit down meal, so there is time to tell them you actually cannot make it. OR maybe you should just go , its only 1 day to get through, once you get through the day it wont feel so bad.

liam99

liam99 wrote: »

I can't do that; I sent back the RSVP saying I was going even though I didn't intend to. It looks more convincing if it looks like I was going to go but then something came up at the last minute that stopped me going. I feel bad about lying though.

That was probably the worst thing you could have done. In future, just decline immediately if you absolutely can't go. Make up a holiday or an exam or whatever and then you're at least off the list from the beginning.

All my relatives know I am shy but it's more than that; I suffer from social anxiety as well. I was also recently turned down for a job that I put an awful lot of effort into getting and I had a depressive episode recently that turned really bad (I don't want to go into details).
I am on medication for depression which is a real blow to my self-esteem (as if it isn't low enough being on the dole and living at home).
My confidence is low and I just don't feel up to facing the world at the moment.

I understand because I have similar issues, but I still think you have to face up to things sometimes. It actually makes things worse in the long run if you constantly 'hide' because you never learn the coping skills to get through these events. If you really can't face it, tell your parents the real reason why and ring your relative and apologise, give a reason for your absence and wish them the best of luck. And in future, it really is better to be upfront if you really can't go than pretend you're going and then back out.

LegacyUser

TQUOTE=muboop1;67253314]

So Op, do you want to discuss issues etc? Or are you happy as you are?[/QUOTE]

Think you've hit the kernel of the issue really. I'm all discussed out to be honest. I've been to see a counsellor and I've gone to Aware meetings and talked about this but I am not happy as I am.
It's not normal to not want to go to weddings and mix with people. I hate myself for it but I can't help it. It's hard to explain

Beruthiel

liam99 wrote: »

I sent back the RSVP saying I was going even though I didn't intend to. It looks more convincing if it looks like I was going to go but then something came up at the last minute that stopped me going. I feel bad about lying though.

Be straight with them and tell the truth.
I'm having small wedding shortly. For each person going, it will cost me X amount of money.
If someone told me they were going and did not turn up, I would be pissed off at their thoughtlessness and the fact that they cost me money that I paid up front for them.
If you're not going, tell them before hand so you don't cost them money.

OS119

liam99 wrote: »

...It's not normal to not want to go to weddings and mix with people. I hate myself for it but I can't help it. It's hard to explain...

obviously you have rather wider 'socialising' issues which you want to conquer - but you shouldn't beat yourself up over not wanting to go to a wedding. lots of people (probably a good half IME) can't stand the whole rigmarole surrounding a wedding, and don't enjoy the effort involved in pretending to be interested in people they either don't know, can't stand, or couldn't give a stuff about.

its expensive, is boring, you eat rubbish food, you have dress in a way that makes Torture Garden look comfortable, you have to make small talk with people you've never met before and never will again, it takes up a valuable day or even weekend off, and you have to come up with politely plausable explanations as why you've not contacted the load of bores you met at the last wedding you didn't get out of.

you don't want to experience this - good for you!

i'd rather go to my own autopsy than attend another wedding - the next wedding i'll even consider going to will be my daughters. she's 6.

Gone Drinking

If you can't wear a suit, or talk to people at a wedding how do you expect to do at a job interview? Look at the bigger picture here.

Your parents probably just want you to come out of your shell a bit.

LegacyUser

Beruthiel wrote: »

Be straight with them and tell the truth.
I'm having small wedding shortly. For each person going, it will cost me X amount of money.
If someone told me they were going and did not turn up, I would be pissed off at their thoughtlessness and the fact that they cost me money that I paid up front for them.
If you're not going, tell them before hand so you don't cost them money.

It's too embarrassing for me to ring them and tell them "Well actually I'm sorry but I can't go to your wedding because I feel uncomfortable in those kind of situations. I hope you understand.Terribly sorry"
I'm too ashamed to face them. They are a nice couple by all accounts but if I'd sent back the RSVP saying I was not going then it looks like a calculated snub. This is the lesser of the two evils IMO.
I have had problems with social situations in the past. The last wedding I was at was also a relative and I didn't want to go but forced myself to. I ended up hating every minute of it and swore it was the last wedding I would ever go to. I tried to get into it, I really tried but I just couldn't. I don't socialise at all at weekends, I am not used to talking to people.
I have kind of accepted it now, I've tried to change but I am just unable to.

LegacyUser

Gone Drinking wrote: »

If you can't wear a suit, or talk to people at a wedding how do you expect to do at a job interview? Look at the bigger picture here.

Your parents probably just want you to come out of your shell a bit.

That's the weird thing;I am not too bad at interviews; I am a pragmatist in that respect. I know I have to do well in an interview to get a job to earn a living. I can also do presentations no problem, I have a good command of the English language. If I know what I am talking about then I know I have nothing to worry about.
I am however no good at spontaneous chat, and I hate formal occasions (even though an interview is a kind of formal occasion). It's strange.

tinkerbell

Just don't go if you don't want to. If you have already RSVP'd then send a message to the bride / groom and say that circumstances have changed and unfortunately you are unable to attend their special day.

That's it - sorted. It'll take you all of ten seconds to do that! If you don't wanna go, then don't - your parents can't make you, you're an adult so you can make your own decisions.

liam99

liam99 wrote: »

I'm too ashamed to face them. They are a nice couple by all accounts but if I'd sent back the RSVP saying I was not going then it looks like a calculated snub. This is the lesser of the two evils IMO.

It won't look like a snub if you have a good reason and ring them to wish them well and sound like you're really disappointed. Believe me, that's much better than letting someone shell out money for a wedding you've no intention of attending.

wylo

liam99 wrote: »

I can't do that; I sent back the RSVP saying I was going even though I didn't intend to. It looks more convincing if it looks like I was going to go but then something came up at the last minute that stopped me going. I feel bad about lying though.

FFS Op stop being selfish, that is the worst thing you could have done , if your going to go , go , if not tell them. You have no idea the amount of effort that goes into a wedding , the least you could have done is let them know properly instead of this childish BS. They make table arrangements , pay for everything , based on the RSVPs.
Grow up, if your not able to handle a Wedding well then tough luck, grow some balls and at least tell them in advance your not going.

Why are you coming on here feeling sorry for yourself? Why dont you cancel the your trip NOW and seek counseling.

MissHoneyBun

Don't go OP. Life's too short to spend it pleasing other people at the expense of your own happiness. I've made this mistake before and I won't be making it again. You'll get no thanks for it.

astra2000

Ok op firstly you have to accept that every one is different and just because you are different from the majority it does not make you a bad person. Firstly stop fretting about the wedding if you decide you are unable to go I would imagine the couple will be more interested in their wedding day than been dissappointed about who was unable to show up at the last minute. Maybe you could put some extra effort into picking out a thoughtful gift for them to let them know you really wish them well.
You need to start focusing on your positive side you say that this does not affect you in all areas of your life eg job interviews, I think you are fixated on what you consider to be normal you say you have tried to change but cant I would suggest that you become more accepting of who you are stop hating yourself, accept that if you need medication for depression you need. I would imagine that you know someone who needs meds for a physical disability does this make you think that they are any less worthy I wouldnt think so sometimes our bodies and minds need help to perform. You are putting yourself under too much pressure. As for not getting the job you really wanted sadly it is a sign of the times there were probably dozens of people who like yourself were really suited to the job but unfortunatly only one person could get it. Go easy on yourself and ask your parents to do the same I wish you well.

Beruthiel

liam99 wrote: »

I'm too ashamed to face them. They are a nice couple by all accounts but if I'd sent back the RSVP saying I was not going then it looks like a calculated snub. This is the lesser of the two evils IMO.

From your POV, because you are only looking at it from your angle. You have not put yourself in their shoes and you have not considered what I said above.

I would rather someone be honest with me and say they cannot make it, then to lie and have me spend over €100 on food (all money has to be paid in advance when booking a wedding in a hotel, it is non refundable)
Table seating would also be rearranged if they knew in advance that you were not coming.
Quit thinking of yourself for just a minute and consider the above. If you cannot go, drop them a little wedding card telling them you are unable and perhaps drop a few quid into it.
All will be well then and you can quit worrying.

dan_d

Just one one other thing you said OP - I'm not mad about weddings, as I am quite a shy person. While I don't have the extent of the problems with social anxiety that you seem to, I don't really look forward to them, I tend to dread them a bit. They usually work out better than I expect - and I don't look at any photos of myself if I can avoid it, at weddings or anything else.

It's not abnormal to dislike weddings. Just because other people enjoy them doesn't mean you need to feel great about them too. It's how you deal with the dislike or the fear that matters more.And it doesn't have to be anybody else's business but yours.

pickarooney

Avalynn Immense Certificate wrote: »

Because life isn't like that.

It is for some of us. I can't fathom why anyone would want someone to come to an event against his will. Nobody wins in that situation. Grinning and bearing it and putting on a false front is no way to deal with confidence issues.

Dionysus

Avalynn Immense Certificate wrote: »

I think most people hate weddings, but they suck it up and go. In my opinion it's one of those many things you do as an teen/adult that you might not want to do. My brother and sister missed a recent family wedding and their absence was noted by everyone, even though they had fairly good reasons for not going. You seem extremely self obsessed, if I'm honest. So what if people make comments about you not having a date (which would be ridiculous, I've never brought a BF to a family wedding) or not having a job? Just tell them the truth. As for wearing a suit and how you look in photos, you're going to have to get over it. It's not your day, people are going to be focused on what the bride is wearing, not gossiping about the suit of some male relative. I don't think it's unusual to hate weddings, but I think it's unusual to point blank refuse to go.

Most people or most men hate weddings? I have met women who hate weddings, but they are very thin on the ground. The OP is not "self-obsessed", extremely or otherwise. He feels as he does. Why is it that when it comes to weddings guys invariably get condemned as being selfish for expressing their genuinely-held dissenting views? I'd rather have people who wanted to be at my wedding there than be surrounded by a slew of "frenemies", people who show up for the wrong reasons.

In my view he is 100% honest and true to himself. That is admirable. Far too many guys go to all this wedding malarkey because they are emotionally beaten into it and, if the truth be told, they put having a quiet life (i.e. continued sex) above standing by their principals. It is weddings, not the OP, which are "extremely selfish". With the politics, nastiness, conceit, competition and all the rest that is attached to them they are also very ugly. Oh, and they are also extraordinarily bland. Sameness is one of their defining characteristics.

OP:

Be true to yourself. When you stop being true to yourself you start doing things for all the wrong reasons. Sit your mother down, and tell her how you feel. If you've never done this before, she will probably be shocked enough to accept the validity of your feelings and back off.

Dionysus

liam99 wrote: »

I can't do that; I sent back the RSVP saying I was going even though I didn't intend to.

You let yourself down here. This was a selfish thing to do. In practical terms, they need to know the numbers to pay for the wedding. You are costing them money for something they will not receive, a dinner for one of their guests. More importantly for your character, it was not an honourable thing to do. Take your position, and don't be ashamed of it. Be true to yourself, not ashamed of your genuinely-held view. People respect that, even if they often don't like it.

iguana

liam99 wrote: »

They are a nice couple by all accounts

Does this mean you don't really know them? If you aren't close I doubt they will care that much about whether you attend or not. Most people getting married hate having to invite all of the extended relatives who they don't really know. Just let them know ASAP that you won't be attending after all so they don't have to pay for your dinner.

LegacyUser

The replies seem to be fairly polarised, it's either "fair play to you, don't go against your will" or "don't be so selfish, go along for the sake of your mom etc.".
It's heartening to know I am not the only person who hates weddings but if I am honest I have a problem with socialising in general. I don't go out at weekends, I am only comfortable with people I know really well (as in people I have known for years; I only have about four or five of them and I meet them only off and on).
I might go, I suppose I could just grit my teeth for a few hours and put up with it. There is one particular relative who will be there who I absolutely detest, he is really ignorant and will ask me questions I don't want to be asked (girls, social life, jobs).
I suppose I could always just avoid him.

pickarooney

pickarooney wrote: »

It is for some of us. I can't fathom why anyone would want someone to come to an event against his will. Nobody wins in that situation. Grinning and bearing it and putting on a false front is no way to deal with confidence issues.

It's not putting on a false front. It's dealing with things instead of running away. The easy option is just to say 'I just won't do it', but sometimes it's better to do it. I'm sure the couple don't realise how much he really doesn't want to be there. It would have at least been mannerly to tell them from the beginning he couldn't go rather than string them along and waste their money.
The fact is, adults do things they don't want to do all the time. It's not as if his parents are pushing him into a college course he doesn't want or something like that, it's a few hours of being polite and making conversation with relatives. A few short hours of his entire life to keep his parents happy and not offend the relative who has paid for his meal.

Honestly, I think a lot of people use social anxiety as an excuse. I have it, and I used to just refuse to do things, but I realised when I was still in my teens that I had to grow up. You can't just keep avoiding situations. There will be more weddings, more gatherings, more parties, more business lunches. He can't just keep hiding forever. I am a much stronger person now because I stopped taking the easy route all the time. Sorry if it sounds cliche, but I really don't believe only doing what you want to do is good for your character.

Dionysus wrote: »

Most people or most men hate weddings? I have met women who hate weddings, but they are very thin on the ground. The OP is not "self-obsessed", extremely or otherwise. He feels as he does. Why is it that when it comes to weddings guys invariably get condemned as being selfish for expressing their genuinely-held dissenting views? I'd rather have people who wanted to be at my wedding there than be surrounded by a slew of "frenemies", people who show up for the wrong reasons.

I hate them and I'm a woman. It's nothing to do with being a guy, it's refusing to do something that you should do just because you don't really want to. I can't even imagine going through life only doing things if I wanted to do them. And it's nothing to do with 'frenemies' either, he's not a frenemy, he just doesn't want to go because he thinks all the attention will be on him, and it won't be. I don't see how worrying about how he looks in a suit, getting his photo taken, what his cousins will say isn't self obsessed. Understandable, perhaps, but is it self obsession, which isn't healthy.

In my view he is 100% honest and true to himself. That is admirable. Far too many guys go to all this wedding malarkey because they are emotionally beaten into it and, if the truth be told, they put having a quiet life (i.e. continued sex) above standing by their principals. It is weddings, not the OP, which are "extremely selfish". With the politics, nastiness, conceit, competition and all the rest that is attached to them they are also very ugly. Oh, and they are also extraordinarily bland. Sameness is one of their defining characteristics.

We're not talking about him organising the bloody wedding, we're talking about going along to an event he already RSVP'd for and making a bit of an effort for a few hours. It doesn't matter what he thinks of weddings - in fact what you posted there comes across as really selfish to me. I find it extraordinarily self important for someone to decide they don't like weddings and therefore will never attend any. I don't like the big Irish weddings, but if other people want them and want me to be there, I'm not going to refuse on principle. This is someone else's big day, not his. Everyone will be looking at that person, not him. He's a guest, not the main attraction. He just has to go, be reasonably sociable, congratulate the bride and groom, then duty done. Rather than decide at the last minute he's not going for no good reason (so it appears to the couple).

astra2000

Avalynn Immense Certificate wrote: »

I

Honestly, I think a lot of people use social anxiety as an excuse. I have it, and I used to just refuse to do things, but I realised when I was still in my teens that I had to grow up. You can't just keep avoiding situations. There will be more weddings, more gatherings, more parties, more business lunches. He can't just keep hiding forever. I am a much stronger person now because I stopped taking the easy route all the time. Sorry if it sounds cliche, but I really don't believe only doing what you want to do is good for your character.

We're not talking about him organising the bloody wedding, we're talking about going along to an event he already RSVP'd for and making a bit of an effort for a few hours. It doesn't matter what he thinks of weddings - in fact what you posted there comes across as really selfish to me. I find it extraordinarily self important for someone to decide they don't like weddings and therefore will never attend any. I don't like the big Irish weddings, but if other people want them and want me to be there, I'm not going to refuse on principle. This is someone else's big day, not his. Everyone will be looking at that person, not him. He's a guest, not the main attraction. He just has to go, be reasonably sociable, congratulate the bride and groom, then duty done. Rather than decide at the last minute he's not going for no good reason (so it appears to the couple).

I understand your point Avalynn Immense Certificate but the op s getting over a bout of depression so what is important first and foremost is his mental wellbeing. The op is not refusing on principal he feels incapable og going to this wedding I agree he needs to work on this but attending this wedding sounds like more than he is capable of doing at the moment.
OP I am sure if the couple had any idea of the anxiety this is causing you they would tell you not to worry, as for it costing them there is always someone who is unable to make it on the day and I doubt the price of your meal is going to make much of a difference in the greater scheme of things. I suggest that you work on your socialising skills over time so that maybe the next time you are invited to an event you may be capable of attending of attending even a part of the event.

LegacyUser

I've thought about it and I'll head along as my mom told me there has been a bit of a barney behind the scenes (not about me not going, something else) and it would maybe help to boost the spirits of one half of the of the couple's parents if I attended.
I suppose I can bat away questions about my situation vis-a-vis work, relationships, socialising etc. I'll just grin and bear it on this occasion and think "in a few hours this will all be over, I'm here in body but not in spirit". I will feel a bit awkward as I haven't seen some of my relatives in years, but then again that's quite common; you usually only meet them at weddings, funerals etc.
I'll only stay for the meal though 'cause I don't want it to go to waste.

Abi

liam99 wrote: »

I've thought about it and I'll head along as my mom told me there has been a bit of a barney behind the scenes (not about me not going, something else) and it would maybe help to boost the spirits of one half of the of the couple's parents if I attended.
I suppose I can bat away questions about my situation vis-a-vis work, relationships, socialising etc. I'll just grin and bear it on this occasion and think "in a few hours this will all be over, I'm here in body but not in spirit". I will feel a bit awkward as I haven't seen some of my relatives in years, but then again that's quite common; you usually only meet them at weddings, funerals etc.
I'll only stay for the meal though 'cause I don't want it to go to waste.

As I was reading through the thread, I was about to suggest that. I think thats the happy medium here, and will get your parents off your back.

I know exactly what you're talking about, I've been in similar situations. I'm not shy or quiet by any means, but there have been times where I just couldn't face seeing people. If one or more aspects of your life aren't really going how you would like, it's kinda hard to sit there firing smiles in all directions and pretending everything is okay.

But I suggest that you don't agree to go to anything in future if you know it's going to upset you this much. I've skipped two weddings this year for pretty much the same reason. You're a grown man, and can do what you want to.


Hope things pick up for you soon, Liam.

LegacyUser

Abigayle wrote: »

it's kinda hard to sit there firing smiles in all directions and pretending everything is okay.

That's exactly it, you've hit the nail on the head.

Abigayle wrote: »

Hope things pick up for you soon, Liam.

Thanks

MissHoneyBun

Avalynn Immense Certificate wrote: »

I think a lot of people use social anxiety as an excuse. I have it but I realised when I was still in my teens that I had to grow up.

So you're bleating on to the OP about this not being about him, dismissing his personal issue as an 'excuse' and claiming he's selfish whilst banging on about yourself, your situation and insisting he follow your approach
-sorry, what's that Alanis Morrisette song again?!?

Avalynn Immense Certificate wrote: »

He just has to go, be reasonably sociable, congratulate the bride and groom, then duty done. Rather than decide at the last minute he's not going for no good reason

You are actually hilarious -any further instructions your honour?

Liam, whereas it's nice to be nice sometimes and make sacrifices for other people, being a martyr isn't in anyone's best interests here. If you continue to live your life on other people's terms how can you ever expect to be happy? You're an adult too and your choices are as valid as anyone elses, you just need the confidence to recognise that and make sure other people recognise it too. We lay our own markers for how we're willing to be treated and nobody has the power to dictate to you unless you give it to them.

MissHoneyBun

MissHoneyBun wrote: »

So you're bleating on to the OP about this not being about him, dismissing his personal issue as an 'excuse' and claiming he's selfish whilst banging on about yourself, your situation and insisting he follow your approach
-sorry, what's that Alanis Morrisette song again?!?

Banging on about myself? The one and only reason I mentioned my own social anxiety, which is actually really difficult to talk about, was so that I didn't get the typical 'well, what do you know?' or 'you don't understand' retort. I DO know what it's like. I've been there. I've felt those feelings. I think you'll find that in almost all threads about an issue like this, people give their own experiences. It's called empathising. I'm not going to apologise for not saying 'don't do anything you don't want to do.' Life isn't like that. It really isn't and I don't think advocating a softly-softly approach to everything does anyone any favours. Honestly, the people I know who live with that mentality are almost all total drifters with no drive, no motivation and no backbone, to be honest. You build up character from living your life, and hiding away from anything that might hurt you isn't living. Disagree all you like, but that's what I've observed over the years.

I know from being in OP's position that the absolute WORST thing was to keep hiding away and making excuses. He's saying that he just can't face it 'right now', well tell me, what's to stop 'right now' from turning into forever? Life is NEVER easy. There's always something. There are always people who make stupid comments, but the trick is learning how to deal with it. I got to a point in my teens where I decided enough was enough, and f**k what people thought. And please elaborate on why you think that level of worry about how he looks in a suit, getting his photo taken, how his voice sounds at someone else's wedding isn't self obsession? What do you think self obsession is, exactly? It often isn't 'loving yourself' or being vain or whatever people seem to think it is. It's a really painful thing to live with. Finally realising that most people aren't scrutinising you as much as you scrutinise yourself is great.

You are actually hilarious -any further instructions your honour?

You took that as an order rather than how it was clearly meant? Riiight. Not much I can say to that without getting a ban.

I've said my piece. I don't know why some people are acting like his parents have decided to send him to Outer Mongolia for a year. They want him to go to a wedding he's agreed to go to and spend a few short hours of his life for the benefit of someone else. He's not 'being a martyr' or 'living on other people's terms'. It's one event.

And personally, OP, I think it would be a good thing for you as well. I know how intimidating family events can be, but it is only a few short hours and it sounds like your presence will be appreciated. You won't be doing anything to make a fool of yourself. I really doubt anyone will even notice things like not having a date and if you get comments about not having a job, just stay cool and tell the truth, you're still looking. Not much work out there. I think you'll feel really pleased you went after the event.

dreamstar

Hi OP,
I have a brother just like you who is quite shy and finds it hard to socialise. He would tell me all of the same things that you have said in your post. He also has no job and no partner.
Have to say I think it is the stupidest thing to avoid social situations altogether. Seems like you don't give a toss about anyone else. Your mom would obviously like you there but you just keep moaning about how you find it hard. (moan moan moan)
How are you ever going to break this cycle and learn to be comfortable around people. You have no job, no girlfriend and don't like talking to people. When do you socialise? Bet your the computer type who spends the day in his room right? Seriously you need to get out there.
Make some new friends and these things will get easier.

diveshark

liam99 wrote: »

There is a wedding of a family relation of mine coming up and it causing a lot of friction between me and my parents because I have decided not to go. My parents (well more specifically my Mom) is very unhappy about this. I am determined not to go for a variety of reasons; I am a poor socialiser (not anti-social, just shy and quiet).
I don't know what to say to people, especially those I haven't met for years.
I also speak in a low voice and people sometimes can't hear me.
I also hate having my photo taken, I was looking back at some of me in photos taken recently and I hated the sight of myself, I couldn't look at them (even though I have been told I am quite good-looking) .
I also hate wearing suits as I am short (5 foot 6) and stocky and I look terrible in them. I also don't have a girlfriend and all my cousins (who are going to be there) do and they are in and around my age. I am also unemployed at the moment so I don't want to be asked the inevitable "So what are you doing now?"
I am not bothered about going, like I say I hate weddings but I am just wondering if it is unusual?

Don't like them either, so I just don't go. Problem sorted!

LegacyUser

liam99 wrote: »

I am a poor socialiser (not anti-social, just shy and quiet).
I don't know what to say to people, especially those I haven't met for years.
I also speak in a low voice and people sometimes can't hear me.
I also hate having my photo taken, I was looking back at some of me in photos taken recently and I hated the sight of myself, I couldn't look at them (even though I have been told I am quite good-looking) .
I also hate wearing suits as I am short (5 foot 6) and stocky and I look terrible in them. I also don't have a girlfriend and all my cousins (who are going to be there) do and they are in and around my age. I am also unemployed at the moment so I don't want to be asked the inevitable "So what are you doing now?"

You know, I was shy like you back in the day and I got out of my shell and have never looked back.

If you speak in a low voice and people can't hear you, do you think it might be an idea to speak up so that people can hear you?

You seem to be very concerned that people will ask you things - well, welcome to the world of adulthood. That is how people learn to socialise.

Being asked about girls, social life and jobs is quite normal and if you have an answer for each one, then that's how a conversation starts.

Having suffered from social anxiety for years, I'd suggest that you go to this wedding and use it as the first step becoming more social. Only by getting out there will you improve.

Avalynn Immense Certificate has some great advice there.

And btw, suits aren't all designed the same - think of all the stocky action heroes you see in tuxes at the oscars. find a suit that fits you properly and it will look good.

As for not knowing what to say to people, why not just start with the simple things and see how that works...

"how are you?"
"haven't seen you in ages , how have you been, what have you been up to?"
"how is X, Y and the kids?"
"you looking forward to the wedding/band/meal?"

If it takes a bit of preparation then so be it.

Life is more enjoyable when you interact with people.....

MissHoneyBun

wellwellwall wrote: »

Life is more enjoyable when you interact with people.....

According to whom? You. And lots of other people I'm sure. But not for several others. Loads of people derive no enjoyment from making small talk with strangers at weddings. Do you see where I'm going with this?
Whereas your advice is good and well-meaning, I think it's a little flawed. Mainly because you're taking your own perspective along with social norms and deeming them as the default, correct position whilst leaving out a whole host of people who sit in various places along the spectrum of human difference.

wellwellwall wrote: »

Being asked about girls, social life and jobs is quite normal and if you have an answer for each one, then that's how a conversation starts.

Just because something is 'normal' doesn't mean everybody has to enjoy it. People create their own norms, that they are comfortable with and I think other people need to accept that and stop trying to enforce their personal norms as the singular correct way -there is no one right way, only what works for us as individuals.

And confidence doesn't come from trying to mould people into how we think they should be, so they slot in nicely like nodding sheep at weddings -it comes from accepting them as they are -and if that means staying at home or leaving alone after the meal, then so what?

AdmiralRazor

All of your reasoning is totally valid and understandable. Frankly, your family sound a little unreasonable, to expect you to go to something when you're at such a low ebb.

The last thing you want to do when you feel like hell is smile and pose for the camera.

Amazotheamazing

If you think you look bad in a suit, you're wearing the wrong type of suit. Go to a better store and get a better suit.

Anyhow, consider you know the questions you'll be asked, why not just have some answers ready? Those types of questions are more conversation starters than anything else. They ask about your job, you say you're applying all around, you ask about theirs etc.

OS119

Amazotheamazing wrote: »

If you think you look bad in a suit, you're wearing the wrong type of suit. Go to a better store and get a better suit.

Anyhow, consider you know the questions you'll be asked, why not just have some answers ready? Those types of questions are more conversation starters than anything else. They ask about your job, you say you're applying all around, you ask about theirs etc.

while what you say is entirely true, if you just don't enjoy conversation with people you don't really know, don't enjoy social gatherings and don't enjoy being formally dressed (although you might put up with it when doing so pays your mortgage), then what you're giving the OP is little more than 'helpful hints on finding casual violence less painful'.

the OP is an adult, if he chooses not to go to weddings because he doesn't enjoy them, or chooses not to put Tomato Ketchup on his food because he doesn't like the taste, or chooses not to listen to particular bands because he doesn't enjoy their music then he doesn't have to - its one of the many great things about being a functioning adult in a liberal democratic country (and Ireland!) - you can do whatever the hell you like.

he may have fun with his parents, but they will just have to live with it - and assuming that he can talk to them coherently about his issues with social gatherings, and they they give more than the faintest sh1t about him, they'll understand - if they choose to get all knarky about it, and consider the 'public image' more important than his comfort, then the OP has a clear indication of quite how much heed he should pay to their views...

LegacyUser

dreamstar wrote: »

How are you ever going to break this cycle and learn to be comfortable around people. You have no job, no girlfriend and don't like talking to people.

That's not actually true, I am frustrated by my inability to interact with people. I can talk to people OK if I have something in common with them. I shared a house with a girl recently and I could talk away to her about jobs, my family, politics etc. In total contrast to that I was working in a job at the same time where people talked about nothing else but places they'd been, how much they drank last night and that show The X Factor. Nothing wrong with that, I just had nothing in common with them so I didn't/couldn't talk to them. They p***ed me off talking about the same stuff all the time and never tried to talk about anything that didn't suit themselves. Some people are great to strike up a conversation with just about anyone about anything but I can't. I tried really hard but I just couldn't.

dreamstar wrote: »

When do you socialise? Bet your the computer type who spends the day in his room right? Seriously you need to get out there.
Make some new friends and these things will get easier.

Unfortunately I do spend a lot of time in front of my computer but some people are just not social animals and can't help it.
Anyway I went to the wedding and tried to enjoy it as best I could. I was really nervous beforehand and felt a little uneasy but it was frustrating sitting there looking at other people chatting away while I am desperately trying to think of something to say. I talked a little but it was an effort. What annoys me is that the poster above comes out with a flippant comment like "you don't like people" when anyone who suffers from extreme shyness/social anxiety knows it is not actually the case at all.
My mother has accused me of not liking people also but she just doesn't know what she is talking about.

*eadaoin

MissHoneyBun wrote: »

And confidence doesn't come from trying to mould people into how we think they should be, so they slot in nicely like nodding sheep at weddings -it comes from accepting them as they are -and if that means staying at home or leaving alone after the meal, then so what?

the difficulty here is that it's the OP has difficulty accepting himself as he is, he's quite clearly shown low self confidence and a discomfort in himself and his situation in life. he hates weddings because he doesn't know how to interact with people who don't know him well and because he is upset with his current situation, it's quite different to actually having full confidence in himself and simply hating social situations. and with social anxiety thrown in it's clear that he's choosing not to go and avoiding social situations because of problems he has with himself rather than having problems with other people or how social norms work.

i don't think anyone here is asking him to "conform" or to turn into a sheep, but it's about learning how people work and interact with each other so that he can learn enough to get by in unavoidable social situations (which it appears this wedding will be for him) or to even enjoy himself sometimes until he is ready to deal with his issues. it doesn't mean he's compromising on his personal beliefs or giving into the evils of small talk but it will give him skills to deal with events like this when they do come up.

OP one of the first posters gave you a really good tip when he said pick up a copy of 'how to win friends and influence people' by dale carnegie. it's a great book, i personally learned a lot from it, i used to have terrible difficulty talking to people and like you hated going to events like weddings or meeting new people as i always felt like an eejit & didn't know what to say. there's another book called 'how to talk to anyone' by leil lowendes that is also full of tips on how to get conversation to work for you (be aware that some of it is a bit much, but the basic concepts are great).

it seems that this wedding is unavoidable for you at this stage, you seem very unwilling to say you're not going, so instead prepare a little, it will help you feel a bit more confident and you'll get by ok on the day.

MissHoneyBun

*eadaoin wrote: »

the difficulty here is that it's the OP has difficulty accepting himself as he is, he hates weddings because he doesn't know how to interact with people who don't know him well and because he is upset with his current situation, and with social anxiety thrown in it's clear that he's choosing not to go and avoiding social situations because of problems he has with himself rather than having problems with other people

Well eadaoin given that Liam seems well aware of the fact that he is shy and has made concerted efforts to address that, I wouldn't say he has huge trouble accepting himself but that he's bothered by other people's lack of acceptance:

liam99 wrote: »

I can talk to people OK if I have something in common with them. They p***ed me off talking about the same stuff all the time and never tried to talk about anything that didn't suit themselves. Some people are great to strike up a conversation with just about anyone about anything but I can't. I tried really hard but I just couldn't.
Some people are just not social animals and can't help it.
What annoys me is that the poster above comes out with a flippant comment like "you don't like people" when anyone who suffers from extreme shyness/social anxiety knows it is not actually the case at all.
My mother has accused me of not liking people also but she just doesn't know what she is talking about.

What he does have trouble with is when people are quick to judge him and draw wrong conclusions about him simply based upon that the fact that he's shy and not as outgoing as they are. Which is perfectly understandable I think.

*eadaoin wrote: »

i don't think anyone here is asking him to even enjoy himself sometimes until he is ready to deal with his issues.

Well they're certainly not expressing any empathy or understanding towards him either. Also, have you any idea how patronising that remark is? I don't think Liam is expressing any desire to wallow in self-pity here or that he's adverse to enjoying himself. Has it occurred to you eadaoin that it may be a little isolating for him when people insist on talking about things that he has no interest in or knowledge of and are then judging him negatively because of it?

Also, are you aware that social interactions aren't just a one-way street and whereas the majority vote will always take precedence, that it's sometimes nice to deviate from that in order to include other people and their personality's and interests?

It seems to me actually that people who are afraid to move away from anything other than well-trodden topics of conversation might be the ones with confidence issues. And if the same people were less quick to judge and more inclined to understand a bit of shyness then people like Liam might feel more relaxed and able to socialise, without the pressure of being labelled or scrutinised just for being a little different.