Poor friends problems have highlighted my own

LegacyUser

Sorry for the long windedness, I'll try to keep it brief-ish. My friend and I are both 24. She recently split from her boyfriend and the poor thing is missing him a lot. She's working through it and doing well but she does find it hard especially as she's stuck living at home in a rural area with a poor social scene and little to no potential for meeting guys. She will be moving to a city in a month to start a job though and all our college friends are there already so the social and romantic side of things will look up for her.

I do feel sorry for her about the break up and everything, but the thing is, she has taken to using me as a bit of an agony aunt, talking about how depressing her situation is, with nothing to look forward to. She is forgetting that I'm much worse off!! I live in the same area. I've been looking for a job without success for over a year, while studying for a postgrad and professional exams. All of our friends have moved away and I haven't clicked with the people I have met this year. I have no money, not even the dole as I'm a student until my thesis is in next November. Even if I had money I have to study constantly so can't go out.

I've been single for years. This friend points out that at least I've gone on a few dates or kissed a guy or two for a few weeks during that time, but I feel that's even worse! Every time in my single years I've met a guy I've liked, I get my hopes up only for him to drop me like a ton of bricks for one reason or another! And I haven't met a guy at all in months now, not since I moved home.

All I want is a job and a boyfriend, and to get to move closer to my friends. I am trying but my situation is bad and seems unlikely to change for at least another year (hoping the exams I'm doing will make me more employable). So when she talks about how awful her life is going to be for the next few weeks until she starts her job, its just making me feel more and more depressed about my own situation. Its gotten to the point where its affecting my study. I do feel really bad for her about the break up, I know that's a fresh wound whereas my situation is ongoing for a good while, but I really am getting very sad these days because of her reminding me how crap my life is! I've struggled with depression over the years anyway, and this past year has been particularly bad again. Is it selfish of me to ask her to maybe talk to another friend when she needs to talk, since talking to me is having this effect?

twilight_singer

That doesnt sound selfish at all. Maybe suggest to her that she talk to her parents/family as you have a lot on your plate with studying etc.
As for youself, although you feel down at the moment your are on the right path, once college is finish you can concentrate on getting a job going for interviews etc and then whe you do get a job you can move closer to your mates. Maybe take a day/night off from the studies and give yourself a breather, could you not visit one of your mates who has moved away? maybe sleep on their couch to keep the cost down? go on the piss for a night with them? Dont worry it will all work out in the long term once you finish college.

astra2000

No it would not be selfish of you at all the well been of your mental health is precious and you need to look after it. Just let your friend know that you too are going through a tough time due to studying lack of money and nearby friends and say you would prefer not to get into heavy conversations about these as it preys on your mind. I know it it is easy for me to say but the next few months will fly and maybe not been able to get a job is a blessing in disguise as it will allow you to concentrate on your theisis. Look on your studying as a way to give you a better life in the future, hopefuly it will open up new doors for you. Your life is not crap, due to circumstances you are not in the place you would like to be in but you are working to change that, and that deserves a pat on the back.

whatsamsn

Short answer: stop listening to her problems.


Long answer: We've all listened to the problems of friends we know. Sometimes their problems hit home with our own. Either way, you shouldnt listen to them. Its nice to give someone comfort but theres a point where you stop.

You've been there for her. But you're "there" for her two much now.

Sad reality of the world is you should never listen to any friends problems too much. Regularly happens where when it comes to your problems, same friend doesnt wanna know.


So dont listen to her no more. You were there for her. Shows you cared. But its time to put your foot down. Just be "busy" when she needs you to talk about her problems.