Sex help!

TempleogueHead

I'm 16 and my boyfriend is 18, we have had sex a few times. Today my mother asked me if we had slept together and I wasn't going to lie to her. She is furious to say the least and really disappointed in me. She is convinced that i'm too young and that I will end up pregnant. My boyfriend and I have been together 3 months and are serious! I really don't know how to handle the situation with my mother. It is so scary to know she doesn't support me. Anyone in the same kind of situation? Any advice with how to talk to my mother? Am I too young??

Maybe because he is 18 and your only 16 is why she is so annoyed? Has she met him before?

Do you use protection? Just sit down with her when she has calmed down and talk to her.

Nevyn

Honestly it's illegal for you to have having sex with him as you are not of the age of consent (17) and he is legally and adult at 18. If you parents pressed it they could have him investigated and charged with statutory rape.

Have you talked with your Mother about contraception and your contraceptive choices?
Have you talked with her about STI and let her know you are well informed and have made a choice knowing all the information and dangers?

TempleogueHead

She knows him well, he's always polite and he's in the house quite often!
Yeah, we did use protection but to be honest I'm afraid to talk to her properly about this because she is very stubborn and is determined that I'm too young. I'm afraid she will make me break up with him or something..

She also thinks he is going to go around telling everyone we had sex and make me out to be a slut, but we love each other and he's very mature. That would be a ridiculous thing to do to your girlfriend!

SO confused!

TempleogueHead

Thaedydal wrote: »

Honestly it's illegal for you to have having sex with him as you are not of the age of consent (17) and he is legally and adult at 18. If you parents pressed it they could have him investigated and charged with statutory rape.

Have you talked with your Mother about contraception and your contraceptive choices?
Have you talked with her about STI and let her know you are well informed and have made a choice knowing all the information and dangers?

They would't do that that would be horrible..
My mother knows we use a condom but she says they aren't reliable. I want to ask her about the pill but she thinks i'm a slut for having sex..

LegacyUser

I can't believe your mother thinks your a slut for having sex. She's putting women back 50 years. Ask her if your the proof she's a slut. She obviously had sex, otherwise u wouldn't be here

mikemac

You have questions you want to ask
Would your mother accompany you to a GP or clinic and you can ask your questions there?
Get everything into the open

I had a quick look at the law, yes your boyfriend could face a 5 year prison sentence so I do hope this doesn't escalate and your parents go to a garda station.

Well your only a year off 17. How long till your 17th?

If it was to happen it would obviously go to court and the judge/jury would want to talk to you so he would more then likely get away with it because your 16 and could be close to 17.

whatsamsn

Its just her being a parent op
Your the little girl who played with barbie at one point Now you're growing into a woman ... your mother sounds like she is adjusting to that.

With todays rate of teenage pragnancy its a worry for all parents that their daughter gets pregant. Trust me, if you have a teenage daughter in your life you'll feel the same


But just reassure her and always use protection. Alot of teen pregnancies have happened because both parties wanted to "feel" what sex without a condom was like totally not realising the risk.

iffy_2007

I think you should sit your mother down, tell her that you are serious about your boyfriend and he treats you well, explain to her that while you understand that she has her concerns that you would appreciate if she would accompany you to your GP about using the contraceptive pill, and maybe agree not to have sex again until you start using it. That way your mother will see that you are mature and understand the consequences of having sex and this is why you are being active in seeking the appropriate measures of contraception, she will also see from this that you are willing to speak to her about this type of thing and if you have any worries in the future she knows that you can come and speak to her again.

This is probably all new to her as it probably doesn't seem like that long ago from she was worrying about saying this to her mum!!! While you may be annoyed about your mothers reaction you need to look at things from her perspective, she is just worried, and if you show her you are responsible you can take away some of that worry and prove to her that you are responsible enough to be in a sexual relationship.

Nevyn

You are 16 you can see a dr yourself with out a parent and can ask to be put on the pill.

iffy_2007

Thaedydal wrote: »

You are 16 you can see a dr yourself with out a parent and can ask to be put on the pill.

Yes I am well aware of that but it will reassure her mother and will make her feel more involved in her daughters life choices...mother daughter thing y'know!

Nevyn

Ideally yes, but that may not happen.

Zen65

TempleogueHead wrote: »

Am I too young??

Yes, you are.

When you look back at this point in your life a few years from now you will understand, but perhaps for now it seems ridiculous to you. You are too young for a sexual relationship.

Your boyfriend can be sent to prison for this, even after your 17th birthday. He has broken the law, and there would be no sympathy for him in the world outside of your relationship. In legal terms, he has raped you. If he were sent to prison the world he would experience is beyond words. Prison is not kind to rapists.

I'm using this term because I think you need to understand the severity of the situation you are in. If this guy is "serious" about you then he would be serious with or without sex. Do you think he will stay if the sex stops? If not, he was never serious. If you care for this boy, then stop having sex at least until you are 17 so that the chances of his going to prison are lessened.

Step back from where you are. Take a moment to consider where this relationship is going, and to do that you need to stop having sex with him.

Listen to your mum. I think she is probably only using words like "slut" to shock you into stopping what you are doing. If you can convince her that this is a serious relationship then maybe you can get her support, but only after your 17th birthday. She has a duty now to protect you, and you should let her.


Be at peace,

Z

The age of consent is at 17 for a reason. It might seem like the two years between you and your bf is irrelevant when you're chatting or going out doing stuff, but when it comes to sex, there is a world of difference between 16 and 18.

You say that you've been going out for 3 months and are serious. I think that to start having sex after 3 months is acceptable (putting aside his age). However, 3 months is not long enough to act like your mother shouldn't be suspicious of him. You'd be surprised how after 3 months you feel like you know someone completely, but then they change unexpectedly. Keep your mother in the loop about your relationship, you never know when you might be glad she's there.

I'd also really recommend going to the doctor/a clinic and talking about your contraceptive pill options.

Taltos

OP

I am not going to tell you that you are too young - only you can know that.

However - in legal terms yes you are. Now whether you agree with that or not this is the law in our country.
You got some excellent advice above - to protect both of you I strongly recommend that you follow this advice.

In the meantime though - if you do not want to get pregnant then do not just rely on condoms - they do split / fail. Also just do not rely on contraception - again they fail - antibiotics can cause them to be less effective.
If you want to increase your chance of not falling pregnant then I really suggest to you and anyone else who does not want to get pregnant to use both condoms and contraception.

I think it is great you were honest with your mum. I really do.
Legally/morally though - she is obliged to report this - now she might decide not to - but she is probably faced with harming your relationship if she does. You need to try to keep up the dialog with her. If you are both mature enough for sex then you need to be mature enough to handle disagreements like this. Just be prepared - she might not ever agree with you - and that is ok too.

Please do think carefully about holding off for another few months. There are plenty of other ways you can show affection for each other.

Whatever you do decide though please do be careful and don't take any unnecessary risks.

Goodshape

Zen65 wrote: »

Yes, you are.

Or they could drive up north and all of a sudden (by the same logic) no, she isn't.

Taking the letter of the law in this country, yes - she's too young. But we're talking about real people here. "Legally" can be covered in a sentence. No need to labour it with scare stories.

dan719

Zen65 wrote: »

Yes, you are.

When you look back at this point in your life a few years from now you will understand, but perhaps for now it seems ridiculous to you. You are too young for a sexual relationship.

Your boyfriend can be sent to prison for this, even after your 17th birthday. He has broken the law, and there would be no sympathy for him in the world outside of your relationship. In legal terms, he has raped you. If he were sent to prison the world he would experience is beyond words. Prison is not kind to rapists.

I'm using this term because I think you need to understand the severity of the situation you are in. If this guy is "serious" about you then he would be serious with or without sex. Do you think he will stay if the sex stops? If not, he was never serious. If you care for this boy, then stop having sex at least until you are 17 so that the chances of his going to prison are lessened.

Step back from where you are. Take a moment to consider where this relationship is going, and to do that you need to stop having sex with him.

Listen to your mum. I think she is probably only using words like "slut" to shock you into stopping what you are doing. If you can convince her that this is a serious relationship then maybe you can get her support, but only after your 17th birthday. She has a duty now to protect you, and you should let her.


Be at peace,

Z

And yet again,Dickens is proven right. In this case, the "law is an ass". And the parents will be even worse if they attempt to prosecute the OP's boyfriend for what is consensual behaviour. Calling the boyfriend a rapist is absolute bull too.

OP, you attempted to take a mature approach by telling your parents that you were sexually active. I'm sure your mother will come around eventually, no parent wants to think of their daughter being anything other than a virgin princess.

whatever99

Taltos wrote: »

OP

In the meantime though - if you do not want to get pregnant then do not just rely on condoms - they do split / fail. Also just do not rely on contraception - again they fail - antibiotics can cause them to be less effective.
If you want to increase your chance of not falling pregnant then I really suggest to you and anyone else who does not want to get pregnant to use both condoms and contraception.

You DO realise that contraception is the term used for all contraceptive methods....ie. condoms, the pill, etc.?? You're obviously talking about the contraceptive pill, which is one method of contraception, condoms being another method.

OP, I would agree that if you're going to be sleeping with your boyfriend, that 2 forms of contraception are a good idea.

Chuchoter

If he was really as mature as you say he'd be going out with someone his own age. I'd be careful with him and maybe say my mum is really pissed off lets not have sex for a while and then she'll know we're responsible, and then if he leaves, well then thats that.

RHunce

I can't help but wonder if the roles were reversed and the girl was 18 and the boy was 16 would the law be as harsh on the girl, statements like "the boy seduced her" would be thrown out left, right and centre, just an observation

Nevyn

Can we please keep this thread on topic and the topic is the Op and her mother dealing with the fact she had become sexual active with her boy friend.

metrovelvet

Your mom is just worried about you. You cant stop her being a mother.

But be aware that you and your boyfriend are putting him in a vulnerable position legally.

Just dont get pregnant.

Blackdrag

If i was you i would do the pill and use a condom... not one or the other. You go to your mom and tell her that she will see that you have given it some thought and are on the way to becoming a adult who can make a sensible decision.

Zen65

Goodshape wrote: »

Or they could drive up north and all of a sudden (by the same logic) no, she isn't.

Taking the letter of the law in this country, yes - she's too young. But we're talking about real people here. "Legally" can be covered in a sentence. No need to labour it with scare stories.

But they're not in the North now, are they?

You're confusing "what might be" with that which has already happened. You cannot change the act of breaking a law by moving to a country where the act is not illegal. Ask Roman Polanski if you are in any doubt about it.

It's not simply the letter of the law that makes sex with a minor illegal, that is the intent. Until recently there was no defence admissible in court for such an offence (indeed it has not yet been clarified that a defence is permissible). What that means is that in legal terms there are no mitigating circumstances; sex with a minor is a statutory rape offence. To offer any advice which ignores this is simply being childish, and this OP does not need childish advice, she needs to understand in very simple terms why what she is doing is wrong. I am not expressing a moral judgement, it's just the very simple practical issue.

The secondary aspect to this (which is the reason such a law exists) is that at the age of 16 she is simply not ready to engage in this activity. The very fact that she is asking for advice here simply confirms that she is unsure of what she's doing.

Be at peace,

Z

Zen65

dan719 wrote: »

And yet again,Dickens is proven right. In this case, the "law is an ass". And the parents will be even worse if they attempt to prosecute the OP's boyfriend for what is consensual behaviour. Calling the boyfriend a rapist is absolute bull too.

Dan, respectfully, you are taking this off-topic and making statements which are incorrect. I think it is unhelpful to the OP to be replying in such emotive terms, ignoring the reality of her situation.

1. The parents cannot prosecute; the offence of statutory rape can only be prosecuted by the state, on the instruction of the Director of Public Prosecutions.

2. In Irish law (as it stands) there is no defence admissible in court for such a charge.

3. There is no consensual behaviour here. OP is too young to give consent.

4. Whether the law is an ass is irrelevant. While the law exists any advice offered to the contrary is bad advice.

5. OP has come here looking for advice, so spouting rhetoric about the sensibility of the law is unhelpful.

Forget the law for a moment. In every practical sense, a girl of 16 is not mature enough to be sexually involved with somebody. What she needs is the advice and care of her mother, not the immature rantings of people pushing other agendas on this thread. I have no agenda. I do have a daughter just a little younger than OP, and if she were to ask the question of anyone as to whether or not she should be sexually active, I would hope the only responses she would get (or at least listen to) were from people who had a concern for her well-being.


Be at peace,


Z.

iguana

Zen65 wrote: »

The secondary aspect to this (which is the reason such a law exists) is that at the age of 16 she is simply not ready to engage in this activity.

In your opinion. I lost my virginity at 16 and it was just right for me. I made the decision to do something I was ready to do, something I really, really wanted to do and with someone who I really liked at the time. I've never regretted it nor has it cause me any real problems at all in my life ever.

The OP is asking if she is too young because she is shocked by her mother's reaction, not because she feels upset because of the sex. Is she too young? Well by law in this country yes she is. Emotionally? Perhaps she is, perhaps she isn't. Nobody can answer that but the OP herself.

Goodshape

Zen65 wrote: »

I do have a daughter just a little younger than OP, and if she were to ask the question of anyone as to whether or not she should be sexually active, I would hope the only responses she would get (or at least listen to) were from people who had a concern for her well-being.

A lengthy post about how her boyfriend in fact "raped" her and could (should?) be sent to prison for spending an intimate night together doesn't sound anything at all like "concern for her well-being".

Thaedydal covered the legality of the situation quickly and effectively in the second response. You're perfectly entitled to think that she is too young, and to state why, but there's simply no need for statements like "If he were sent to prison the world he would experience is beyond words. Prison is not kind to rapists". For goodness sake, that's her boyfriend you're talking about. Not some mindless thug who picked her up at the teen disco.


OP - you are a bit young to be sexually active. And I'd wager your mother would think the same even if you were "legally" old enough. She's your mother, that's what they do . But fair play for taking it seriously and - despite her reaction - not trying to hide it from her. I know enough older teens and even young 20's that don't have the maturity or are "too shy" to talk to parents or doctors about these issues.

I think you have to respect your mothers concern to an extent and if you are continuing to be sexually active, then continue to be mature about it. As others pointed out - at 16 you are entitled to ask your doctor about the pill without your parents intervention.

Keep safe!

dan719

Zen65 wrote: »

Dan, respectfully, you are taking this off-topic and making statements which are incorrect. I think it is unhelpful to the OP to be replying in such emotive terms, ignoring the reality of her situation.

1. The parents cannot prosecute; the offence of statutory rape can only be prosecuted by the state, on the instruction of the Director of Public Prosecutions.

2. In Irish law (as it stands) there is no defence admissible in court for such a charge.

3. There is no consensual behaviour here. OP is too young to give consent.

4. Whether the law is an ass is irrelevant. While the law exists any advice offered to the contrary is bad advice.

5. OP has come here looking for advice, so spouting rhetoric about the sensibility of the law is unhelpful.

Forget the law for a moment. In every practical sense, a girl of 16 is not mature enough to be sexually involved with somebody. What she needs is the advice and care of her mother, not the immature rantings of people pushing other agendas on this thread. I have no agenda. I do have a daughter just a little younger than OP, and if she were to ask the question of anyone as to whether or not she should be sexually active, I would hope the only responses she would get (or at least listen to) were from people who had a concern for her well-being.


Be at peace,


Z.

Don't tell me to be at peace. It's condescending.

1. The DPP would never learn a crime had been committed unless a complaint is made. In this situation, the most likely to do so are the parents.

2. The law is wrong. Almost everyone can see that. Others such as yourself are too well wrapped in a veil of smug moral superiority.

3. Consent under the law maybe. Consent in the real world- most definitely.

4. I gave advice. Maybe you should consider stopping your rhetoric about how the OP needs the care of her mother. In this case her mother has failed to notice how emotionally mature her daughter is to raise this with her.

I have a sixteen year old sister. Does my opinion suddenly become of more value? If she came on to this forum looking for advice, I'd hope she'd see your posts for the rubbish they are and instead listen to people who advise real world practical advice.

Nevyn

The antagonistic tit for tat posting on this thread has to stop right now.
If you wish to debate the age of consent then take the discussion to humanities.
If anyone keeps the debate going they will be banned.
This thread is about how the OP is to deal with her mother re her being sexually active.

TempleogueHead

Hey Everyone Woooah it took me so long to read all these posts!

Well haven't been on this in a while and things have taken a turn for the better, my mam took me to the GP and she put me on the pill. My mother seems to have come around or maybe just accepted the fact that I am sexually active.

One question I have to ask is, if the law says that anyone under the age of 17 isn't allowed to have sex then why did my GP, knowing i'm 16 and knowing (I told her ) that my boyfriend is 18 have put me on the pill? would she not be obliged to inform the police or at least deter me?

Hmm..

Elle x

Goodshape

Glad things worked out for you

Whatever the law might be shouldn't be your GP's concern. Their only concern is your health and it'd actually be very irresponsible of them to deny you service because you're a few months (or any amount of time really) under the 'legal' age.

There would also be a confidentiality agreement that would prevent them from informing the police or anyone else. And as your mother was there I'd assume your GP thought that she would be the one to deter you if necessary.

Zen65

TempleogueHead wrote: »

One question I have to ask is, if the law says that anyone under the age of 17 isn't allowed to have sex then why did my GP, knowing i'm 16 and knowing (I told her ) that my boyfriend is 18 have put me on the pill? would she not be obliged to inform the police or at least deter me?

Hmm..

Elle x

A doctor's primary duty of care is for your health, and she rightly judged that protection against pregnancy is the first and most important concern. I don't think the doctor is obliged by law nor by the Irish Medical Council to report this to the authorities. I can't be sure, I'm not a solicitor nor a doctor.

Be well,

Z

Legally yes, you are too young. But I presume you gave this a lot of thought before saying yes to engaging in intercourse with him? If this is the case, then you are not. I am glad that your mother came around - I think the sheer fact that her daughter is sexually active was what made her go nuts - I would be the same if I had a child, but the fact you're being smart about it is extremely important.

RE: the question about the pill. My knowledge of this is pretty slim-to-none, so I could be totally wrong in this matter, but does it not also help a lot of women who have extremely bad periods? Is there a legal age at which the pill could be prescribed?