Need advice over a neverending argument

LegacyUser

Hi,

Have been with my boyfriend for years but we have only started living together the last few months. We've been finding it hard as i've lived on my own for years, whereas he has come straight from his parents house.
The other morning, i was getting ready for work and started to blowdry my hair when he got angry, started calling me selfish and we didn't talk for nearly 2 days(mostly on my part as i was so hurt with the way he spoke to me) We have made up but still cannot agree on the subject. As he gets another hour in bed before he has to go to work, he thinks i should pussyfoot around him. Where i think i should be able to get ready in my own room and not put extra work on myself when i have to leave so early in the mornings.

So what do you think? who's right and does anyone have advice on how we can both be happy with the situation?
Thanks x

fasty

Try to compromise but also tell him to not be a dick about it. Maybe blowdry your hair in another room with the door closed?

FortyPlusHubby

Who'sright? wrote: »

Hi,

who's right and does anyone have advice on how we can both be happy with the situation?
Thanks x

If you want to know who's right then there is no chance of being happy in the future.

Sharing a home means compromise. You could blow your hair elsewhere, that's not unreasonable. I think however he should learn not to get angry about this sort of thing. You woke him, it's not the same as pouring cold water on his face because you resent him being asleep. He needs to control his emotions, because sharing a life together is going to present you both with much bigger challenges than this.

Cheers,

40pH

SarahSassy

You should definitely do your business in another room as a courtesy... You are the mobile one in the morning so its easier for you to move in the mornings than him...So should he be sleeping in another room so you dont wake him? If you keep up this BS thats what will happen....

He over reacted but you are too by digging your heels in on this - will ye just bloody enjoy the honeymoon.

LittleBook

Who'sright? wrote: »

i think i should be able to get ready in my own room

And he should be allowed to sleep peacefully in his own room. It's not his fault you have to get up so early and it's not pussyfooting around him that he expects you not to use a noisy hairdryer in the same room he's trying to sleep.

To be perfectly honest, if I was rudely awakened that way each morning I'd be "a bit of a dick"

Adam

+1 move to another room to get ready, it's not that much of a problem and to be honest i think you're doing it out of spite because he gets the extra hour, i know if i'm up early or in to bed late i don't even like the idea of waking my other half, i'll go out of my way to let her sleep.

Neyite

im with your boyfriend on this one. ive shared a room all my life with siblings, then with my OH and i would consider someone turning on a hairdryer in the same room really inconsiderate.

is he allowed to make noise in the room if you are already in bed at night asleep?

dry your hair in another room. i have an extension lead in the hall i drag into the bathroom to dry hair. my OH goes one further and puts his clothes out in the hall to dress in the morning so as to avoid waking me. i put a bundle together on a chair the night before and dress in semi dark.

Cheap Thrills!

He's right OP.

It comes down to basic consideration and common sense.

Sleep is sacred and should be respected. You can easily blow dry your hair in another room.

Adam

you're not going to go back and apologise because we've all said you're wrong though are you?

L00045934

I suppose I'm in a similar situation but I would never think of blow drying my hair in the room where he's asleep. Its way too loud, understandable that he may be pissed off by this. He could of been a bit nicer about it though.

fakeaccent

Who'sright? wrote: »

i think i should be able to get ready in my own room and not put extra work on myself when i have to leave so early in the mornings

I'm sorry but this, if I was your OH, would really get up my nose. There is such a thing as basic consideration. I get up before my OH and would never dream of drying my hair in the room, it's selfish. I put a mirror up in the kitchen and dry it in there.

It does take some time to adjust to living with another person and you have to respect each other's space. Just because it's your room too, doesn't mean he isn't entitled to his last hour of sleep. I'm not a morning person and this would make me very angry.

Miss Fluff

I think you are being selfish and inconsiderate. You should go and do it in another room with the doors closed. How mean of you!

You might also like to have a chat about how you guys communicate and deal with issues. 2 days of silence is not healthy.

Miss Fluff

Who'sright? wrote: »

Where i think i should be able to get ready in my own room and not put extra work on myself when i have to leave so early in the mornings.

By the way it shouldn't be "my" room as it's not. It should be "our" room.

Kimia

You are completely and utterly wrong OP, what kind of inconsiderate person are you at all to insist on using a noisy hairdryer around your sleeping bf just so that you don't have the hassle of moving rooms - wow! :eek:

sickofwaiting

This is ridiculous, why would anyone use a noisey hairdryer in a room where someone is sleeping when they can easily go to another room? I pity the bf if this is the kind of thing he has to put up with.

LegacyUser

Who'sright? wrote: »

We've been finding it hard as i've lived on my own for years

Where i think i should be able to get ready in my own room and not put extra work on myself when i have to leave so early in the mornings.

Really sounds like you are used to living on your own and are unwilling to change the way you do things.

However you not on your own anymore, you are now living with your boyfriend so certain adjustments and compromises are a natural progression on BOTH your parts and are part of a healthy adult relationship.

That doesn't mean "like it or lump it" which seems to be your attitude. Seriously how hard is it to dry your hair in another room?

If he goes to sleep an hour later than you is it ok if he turns the light on when he comes up or would that be selfish and inconsiderate? What if it's part of his routine and what he's always done? Why should he change it? em out of consideration for you?

Who'sright? wrote: »

whereas he has come straight from his parents house.

No idea why this was relevant. Does coming straight from your parents house mean whatever way you used to do things no longer counts? Whereas if you've previously lived on your own your way does because "I was here first"?

Really sounds like that's how you view it. Hope I picked that up wrong for his sake.

Was in a similar situation years back where my girlfriend had to be up hours earlier than me and without fail would wake me every morning. Her attitude was well you should have gone to bed at the same time as me. In the end our "compromise" was I got so fed up with the incomprehensible resentment I slept in the other room.

Surprisingly enough we broke up less than a year after we'd moved in together.

If you want to continue going out with this guy, let alone live together you're going to have to realise that certain habits just have to change, on both your parts. Unwillingness to do something as simple and considerate as dry your hair in another room is self centred, stubborn to the point of childishness and not a very good omen for your future together.

The whole silent treatment that followed as a result of him correctly calling you selfish (albeit maybe in a harsh way) is just downright stupid. What age are you?

Same girlfriend I broke up with used to do that too. We'd have an argument, I'd have been in the right but would lose because I pointed it out in the "wrong" tone of voice. Could never figure out what that wrong tone was but for some reason it only ever seemed to occur when she knew she was in the wrong.

username123

Totally selfish and immature behaviour OP - when you live with other people you have to compromise. Its basic respect and good manners not to unnecessarily wake someone sleeping in their own home. Dry your hair in a different room!!

Not speaking for 2 days over that row is ridiculous - you should have been apologising for your behaviour - not sulking for 2 days because you felt it was 'your' room and you can make any amount of noise there anytime, regardless of your bf sleeping there.

Tender Hoop

you are being totally selfish. If i was your bf I'd throw the hair dryer out the window. Unbelievable that you have have to actually ask 'are you being selfish'.

Grow up and use the dryer where he can't hear it.

jam_mac_jam

You are being unbelievable, very unreasonable. I am sorry but do it in another room, why should he miss an hour of sleep because you can go into another room. A bit different if you woke him by mistake but a hairdryer? I think I would be not talking to you for longer than two days.

LegacyUser

ok, thanks for the reactions, good and bad!

we share a house with 3 others by the way so the only free room is the living room. i've often taken the dryer out to the living room or had my shower the night before so i won't waken him. this was only the 2nd time i did it in the space of 6 months as i was running late.

of course i'd expect him not to like it, but to show it with such a reaction is what i didn't like. and i still do consider it my room as i am paying majority of rent to help him get started in a new career. i consider myself to be a supportive, loving girlfriend and i just don't want to be treated with disrespect, especially over a hairdryer!

the reason why i mention him coming from his parents house is that he's a real mammys boy and has had his own way for over 30years! surely there should be compromise from him aswell instead of telling me what to do!

whatsamsn

Op, its not about "whos right"
this is about comprimise, and trust me, with relationships this is not a big comprimise


the simple comprimise is that if he is sleeping it would be rude for you to use the hairdryer. If he is awake or up. Then its ok.

Thats all you have to tell him. Thats all you have to do

Neyite

Who'sright wrote: »

we share a house with 3 others by the way so the only free room is the living room. i've often taken the dryer out to the living room or had my shower the night before so i won't waken him.

so use the living room.

Who'sright wrote: »

this was only the 2nd time i did it in the space of 6 months as i was running late.

how many more minutes does it take to grab a brush and a mirror and plug it in somewhere else?

Who'sright wrote: »

of course i'd expect him not to like it, but to show it with such a reaction is what i didn't like.

his reaction was mild when i consider what mine would have been!

Who'sright wrote: »

and i still do consider it my room as i am paying majority of rent to help him get started in a new career.

if you feel this way then do not be surprised if he moves out. also this sentence completely contradicts this sentence:

Who'sright wrote: »

i consider myself to be a supportive, loving girlfriend and i just don't want to be treated with disrespect, especially over a hairdryer!

yet you treat him with disrespect, especially over a hairdryer, why?

Who'sright wrote: »

the reason why i mention him coming from his parents house is that he's a real mammys boy and has had his own way for over 30years! surely there should be compromise from him aswell instead of telling me what to do!

so now its your way or what? the highway? and why the scorn at living with his parents? you are the one who is coming off at the moment like someone who has never learned to share, not him.

sara-lou

My OH used to sparay deoderant in the room and i used to be gassed out of it! I definitely couldn't compromise on that one......

I love my morning snoozes soooooo much, he used to make loadsa noise everyday. We can all get grumpy in the mornings i thinks ye are both wrong! he needs to get over it and you need to try and be a little bit more considerate. How would you feel if it was your day off or something?

metrovelvet

I would have thrown my bedside reading at you.

fakeaccent

Who'sright wrote: »

i still do consider it my room as i am paying majority of rent to help him get started in a new career.

OP I think this attitude sums up the problem. You can't have it both ways, either you agreed to live together as a couple or not. If you ARE living together, it's as much his room as it is yours, regardless of who is paying more.

Get a portable mirror, take it to the living room and dry your hair there. To be honest I really can't blame the poor guy for losing the rag at being woken that way, he may have overreacted in your view but sleep is one of those things that lots of people are really precious about.

If you want to make this living situation work you need to both lay down ground rules and you have to listen to each other and be prepared to speak your mind. I'm baffled by your reaction of not speaking for two days, I reckon you both need to work on your communication, blanking each other solves absolutely nothing.

Miss Fluff

Who'sright wrote: »

and i still do consider it my room as i am paying majority of rent

You sound like a selfish madam. I don't think you are going to necessarily agree with any of the advice here because it evidently doesn't suit YOU. You have a lot of growing up to do and a lot of work to do on how you can communicate with people effectively.

Amazotheamazing

If you're living with your partner I presume you aren't a child, why are you acting like one? Do you think it's acceptable for an adult to give someone the silent treatment? Honestly? I can understand a bit of a sulk but you'd all day to decide how to act and the best you could do was something most kids grow out of as they leave primary school?

Maybe your partner should have been more tactful, but your response to him is on a whole different level of ignorance, imo.

kjl

OP everyone who has replied to you has said you are wrong. Stop trying to justify yourself and apologies to you bf. You wanted our opinion and you have it.

CDfm

WOW -this thread amazes me.

The same happens me and I'm the b/f and usually get a cup of coffee in bed so I ease into the world with the whirring of the hairdryer, lipstick,powder & paint and other nice things that are flying around that early in the morning.We are not in a houseshare.

One of lifes pleasures and I get the coffee. (I think that is a perk of being the one in bed)

Now you can hardly run thru the house in your towel or bra & thong waking up everyone else with an air hostess travel bag.

So I will go against the flow here and say yes what you are doing is normal under the circumstances and if you were living on your own and had the full run of the house then yes you could accomadate alternatives .

It is part of living together ffs and it goes with the sex thing. You and the hairdryer are part of the package. If he does not understand this -maybe his Mum or Dad should explain it to him.

So he cant be moody and he needs to get with the limitations of living together in houseshare and your needs to get ready for work too.For him its something he has to grin and bear as part of the current situation you are in.

You might though try to makeover the room around you both as a way of sharing ownership.Drawers wardrobe space etc.

EDIT - I dont think either of you are selfish as you are trying to work it out and ask what is reasonable in a living together situation.Oh and the silent treatment or tantrums on either of your parts is juvenile.

lau1247

based on your circumstances of sharing between others.. yes he should be more understanding and be less of a dick..

however having said that you mentioned that this is a rare occurrence.. so i hope that at the time when you woke him up, you at least apologise and let him know that are late etc..

i can't stress enough the apology is important at the time of the event even though it may seem insignificant.. it at least shows that your are considerate..

How Strange

Could you not wash your hair at night time therefore eliminating the problem?

My OH and I are up within 20 mins of each other but on the rare occasion where I'm up earlier or he's having a lie on and I need to use the hairdryer I go to the living room. I'd expect him to be p1ssed off at me for using it in the bedroom while he's sleeping. If I was sleeping and he started making unnecessary noise I'd be less than happy and less than civil.

sam34

CDfm wrote: »

Now you can hardly run thru the house in your towel or bra & thong waking up everyone else with an air hostess travel bag.

So I will go against the flow here and say yes what you are doing is normal under the circumstances and if you were living on your own and had the full run of the house then yes you could accomadate alternatives.

a very reasonable alternative would be for her to get dressed in their room and then take her hairdryer, mirror and brush to the living room.

nobody is suggesting she walks through communal areas of a shared house in her underwear.

CDfm

I hate to say it - but hairdrying is a lot less intrusive than a little one who wants a drink or breakfast or needs to get to school.

All this drama over one extra hour asleep. The world does not stop for either of them.

I am just saying that before they moved in the OP had her routine and he lived at home.

There has to be some give and take. Get him a coffee and get a routine that relates to one another. Make space for each others stuff. Iron the odd shirt for one another. Set the clock a half hour earlier still and ........:p

Enjoy the relationship and hope to move somewhere better when his career takes off.

CDfm

sam34 wrote: »

nobody is suggesting she walks through communal areas of a shared house in her underwear.

It sounds seedy when you put it like that. Most guys spend a lot of time trying to get a girls clothes off and here she is prancing around the room naked .

Sounds quite good to me. :cool:

Thats what I would be saying if the guy had posted.

paperclip2

CDfm wrote: »

Sounds quite good to me. :cool:

Thats what I would be saying if the guy had posted.

But you aren't her boyfriend. And clearly he has a problem with the noise and he is the one she should be talking to to try to resolve this.

My 2c OP, your boyfriend has a point, yes he overreacted but the silent treatment from both of you will solve nothing and will just escalate things. A bit more grown up behaviour from the both of ye will go a long way to fixing this.

Good luck.

Nevyn

Having a go at the op is not helpful posting.
Please keep posts helpful and tactful.

Unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal