Don't want guy as a friend

LegacyUser

I'm a guy in college, and I've got a bit of a weird issue.

There's a guy, a friend of my old housemate, lets call him Lenny. Anyway, the last year or so, Lenny would often be around the house. Seemed like a sound enough guy. We went out as a group a good few times.

Anyway, early June, my housemate, and most people I knew from college went home for the summer. My course didn't finish until later in the month. Lenny's working in the town for the summer. I'd just broken up with my girlfriend, and finished all my coursework, so I'd loads of free time, and Lenny was one of the only people I knew still around. So I gave him a call asking if he wanted to head out for a few pints.

Anyway, we ended up hanging out on a couple of occasions. He was a nice guy most of the time, but I noticed whenever his girlfriend was out, he'd keep putting her down. Hard to explain, it was kind of subtle. It was more his attitude. Like he'd call her out if she said anything wrong, and make her feel bad. Like he didn't respect her at all. Basically being an asshole.

On another occasion, we were out, both pretty drunk. Tried to get into a nightclub. They wouldn't let us in. He started shouting abuse at the bouncer. Had to drag him away, or he would have kicked off. Pretty knackerish behaviour really. Granted he did phone up to apologise to me the next day.
Anyway, I decided after that I didn't want to be his friend.

Problem is, he now considers me one of his best friends. He keeps chatting to me on facebook, asking when I'll be around again. (I've gone home for the summer). I can tell he's pretty lonely. To be honest, I feel kinda bad for him. He's really trying hard to be a good friend to me. But I'm 100% sure, I don't want to be friends with him.

I don't really have the heart to tell him this. It'd crush him. I'm hoping, since we only really hung out for a few weeks, that if I keep the contact to a minimum. Not ignore him, but only respond when he contacts me.

Anyway, I was thinking about this, and I'm worried that it's being cruel. If it were a girlfriend, I know the best thing would be direct and say I wanted to break up, rather than string her along. But of course, it's a friend, so completely different. I don't know what to do.

Taltos

Why not be direct?
As a bloke I much prefer it when friends call me on things - sometimes we all do things we are not aware of - and real friends calling us out on being d*cks keeps us honest...

Either it will work out - he will improve and you can continue being friends for the better - or you will both just decide to call it quits...

boarduser1980

if you really dont want to be friends with him, then give him the cold shoulder. dont answer texts or phone calls, or reply to him on fb. if you do see him face to face and he asks whats up why you havent been replying, just say you've been mad busy or your not the best person for replying to text messages....hopefully he'll soon get the hint

dawvee

It sounds like it's his behavior towards his girlfriend that's really bothering you, so why don't you call him out on it? And don't softball him with it, either. The next time you see him and he does it, ask him straight up: "Hey man, why are you such an asshole to her?"

He considers you a close friend, so it might make him stop and think a bit. If you keep on him about it, he might even make an effort to not be such an asshole. Either that, or he turns on you and stops considering you a friend (especially when you stand by it and refuse to apologize or back down). Either way, you win, and you won't have had to lie or weasel out of anything, and there'll be no doubt in his mind why you're not his friend any more.

Zeouterlimits

Dambant wrote: »

if you really dont want to be friends with him, then give him the cold shoulder. dont answer texts or phone calls, or reply to him on fb. if you do see him face to face and he asks whats up why you havent been replying, just say you've been mad busy or your not the best person for replying to text messages....hopefully he'll soon get the hint

Got to disagree, that's really cowardly and unfair.

OP, just be honest with him. It'll probably hurt, but it'll be clear, and fair to him.

Stu

Please tell the Chap out straight that you don't like his attitude toward his girlfriend. If you ignore him on facebook yous are just as bad as each other. If he can mistreat his girlfriend like that in front of other people then you telling him what an asshole he is might snap him out of it, it certainly won't crush him. He sounds like he needs a friend to tell him how it is anyway.

DamoKen

Agree with most of the posters, and especially Zeouterlimits. This whole ignoring someone until they take the hint business is not only cowardly, it's childish, unnecessary and well just being a dick really.

The guy was there for you when you needed him. That's what a friend does. Ok you've realised as you got to know him better you don't really like him, or maybe just a few facets of his character that you don't agree with.

The whole girlfriend thing is something I would bring a friend up on. The bouncer incident? well he called the next day to apologise so it sounds like that was something out of character for him. If he was normally that way when drunk why would he bother apologising for it?

One of the best things about good friends is they help make you a better person. They're there for you when you need them, and they're not afraid to tell you harsh truths. If you don't want to be mates with him fair enough, but at least have the decency to be honest with him.