What a mess I've caused

LegacyUser

Long story so here it goes....A little bit of backround first, Married 7 years to a wonderful women, were going out for 6 before that, have a beautiful 3 year old daughter, a great house,good job, cars the whole lot. Things hav'nt been great since our daughter was born and my wife kind of put all her energy and love into the new arrival, which i had.nt got a problem with. Our sex life became non existant which was a big thing to me as i have a high sex drive.
About 3 years ago this new girl started in our company, we had to work closely together, there was instant attraction and a bit of harmless banter and fliting took place. This went on for about a year and i felt i could control it. About a year later there was a leaving do in the job. We were both there chatting and drinking and having a laugh, we then moved on to a club, and the inevitable happened we ended up back at hers where we slept together. The next day i felt sick and guilty for what i had done on my wife and child. In work we said it was a once off it should'nt have happened and so went on.
A couple of months later this girl decided to leave the company not because of what happened, i was gutted she was leaving, tried to talk her out of it but her mind was made up.We decided we would stay in touch, they were nice words and thought it would never happen.

About a month later we bumped into each other unplanned on a night out and we ended up in bed together again, the affair had started, for the next 6 months we met at every available oppurtunity, it was a bit of a whirlwind we went away on w/end breaks and even spent a week in Italy, my wife thought i was playing golf with the lads. We kind of fell in love with each other.During all this my wife and i had drifted futher and further apart. Eventually i left my wife citing that i had enough of not having a loving marriage, she knew nothing of what i was really up to, as far as she was concerned i was staying with a friend till i got my head together, i was really with my new girlfriend. I felt really in love, feelings that i never felt before, thought i was in love with my wife but obviously that was'nt love, i thought it was. A few weeks later my GF told me she was pregnant, well to say my world came crashing down would be an understatment. We both became quite emotional, she asked me what i thought she should do, i told her it was her decision that i could not force her to do anything she did'nt want to. A couple of weeks later she decided an abortion would be the best option as the timing and everything else was all wrong. During all this my wife was begging me to come home, if only she knew what i was going through, i could'nt just abandon this girl, especially now. She had the abortion, and was a wreck for a few weeks.
Its been 7 months since the A. A few weeks ago i started to get really depressed, thinking about my wife and daughter who i miss very much. I started to push my GF away, i kind of went into myself, she constantly asking what was wrong with me, i could'nt tell her that i missed my wife or child, i know she was only trying to help. All my thoughts were consumed with my daughter and it just got worse and worse very nearly tipping myself over the edge.

The other day i told my GF that i could'nt do this anymore and told her i had to leave, she could see i was in bits and things were only going to get worse. She did'nt take it very well after all we had been through, niether did i but it was something i had to do. I was losing control of my mind and everything around me, my work performance has suffered dramatically. I really love this girl but i also miss my old life watching my child grow up. I feel really bad for what i have done a nd the devastation i have caused. I relaay need to talk to someone about it or i'm going to explode, what can i do to make everything right again. Sorry about the long post, any advice greatly appreciated.

Millie

sunflower27 wrote: »

Do you love your wife? If this is more about missing the child, then I dont see how you will be happy and not be tempted to cheat again.

+1 this is what I thought also.

And do you have a friend you can speak to???

metrovelvet

You cant undo any of this. You have caused irredeemable damage that hasn't even begun to surface.

I dont know whether you are naive or selfish or both.

Taltos

Try not to make any sudden decisions.

How will your wife feel in 6mts when you walk out again.. Not saying you will but just based on what you have already done - you owe it to her not to mess her about.

Please find someone to talk to.
Someone who will just listen.

Who knows - maybe the abortion is hitting you harder than you thought - and you pushed your GF away to protect yourself - or so you thought... Guilt can make us do crazy things...
In the meantime though there is nothing to stop you from spending time with your daughter - and you should have been doing this anyway.

Try not to push your friends away - but do find someone to chat to - we are not allowed to do amateur diagnosis' here but you do come across as someone who needs to get some support.

In terms of what you have done to your wife and now your GF - I suggest you take some time apart from both and figure out who and what you want - and then beg to whomever to take you back - being totally honest...
If you don't love your wife - then don't waste her time - it will just mess the poor woman up.

SarahSassy

You are such a cliché.... Married man, attractive workmate, bit on the side, 'oh I am so confused cos my wife wont have sex with me as much as I want', leave the wife but dont even be honest with her why, get the 'new' girl knocked up and then when she doesnt have the baby you go back to your ready made family...

Seriously.....

You have messed up so many lives with your selfishness and now you are going to do it again cos you are going to go back with your wife, use her to have the happy fammily scene and then cheat on her again and possible leave her again. All this time, because she doesnt know the truth she thinks there is a chance for ye... You need to tell her the truth and let her choose then. She deserves to meet someone who treats her well and you, my dear, are not that man... GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

SS

PS before anyone starts saying ‘ oh the women will be giving out because it’s a man doing this’ – I would give out to either sex for such blatant selfishness.

Firstly you can never make “everything right again” as you put it. What you have engaged in has changed everything and it will not be changed back. What you can do is find a way to move on from here, but that is about it.

Right now you have left a trail of two women who sound like neither of them have any idea at all what went wrong or why. This is horribly unfair and they likely suffer every night lying in bed trying to work out where it went wrong, why it went wrong, and if THEY are the ones to blame.

The first thing you have to do is decide for yourself if you want to be with your wife, your GF or neither. You have to decide that first and commit to it and do not treat either as “second best”… in other words if you choose one and it does not work you do not go running back to the other one as the consolation prize.

When you have made that decision you need to come out with all this to both of them, tell them what you have done, what you have decided and what you want and why. You need to tell the one you want to be with why you want to be with her after all that has happened. You need to tell the one you have chosen against why you made this decision and that even if it doesn’t work out you fully intend not to come crawling back to them as “second best”.

Then you need to sit back and hope the one you chose chooses to be with you, and if she does you have got more than you deserve. If not, you can start from day 1 of getting on with your new life.

Miss Fluff

While you say you want to see your child grow up you don't actually mention that you love your wife.

How will things have changed since you left?

And does your wife still not know of anything that has happened since you left?

LegacyUser

I suppose i do love my wife, we just kind of drifted apart, cant really talk to anybody about this because no one knows what i was up to, i hav'nt gone running back to my wife yet, she knows nothing of what has happened since i left, i'm taking some time out to try and get some perspective on the issues, really feel like i,m having a breakdown at the moment. I know i'm resposible for everything that happened and know the cliche of i,ve made my bed so i'll have to lay in it, i'm well aware of the devestation and destruction i've caused with the course of actions i have taken. I see my daughter for a few hours twice weekly, but its just not enough for me.I know from my post i don't seem like a nice person, but i just got involved in something and lost control of everything, i really fell hard for the other women and its killing me for what i 've done to both of them, just dont know what to do or where to turn to, feel like just packing up and getting out of this country, but cant leave my daughter.

Miss Fluff

You could probably do with some counselling to get your head together. Have you looked in to that?

If you are even considering a future with your wife you have to tell her everything, she needs to know what has gone on and the reasons why you chose to leave her in the first place. Not doing so would be worse than anything else that has gone before tbh.

Miss Fluff

Unregistered wrote: »

I suppose i do love my wife

That's not said with that much conviction tbh. If you want to get back with her it's because you love her that much and can't contemplate a future without her. Not because you love your daughter and "suppose" you love your wife as an accidental bi-product.

Quality

Does your wife not care about you?

Does she really not know what was going on?

You are either a really good liar or she knew all along?

I mean a week in Italy with your gf? How did you get away with that.

And staying at a "friends"?

Did she never check up or care?

I dont think there is any point getting back with your wife, that relationship seems over.

metrovelvet

You will never know what it is to be fully human, because neither of these women love you, they love the aggregate collection of lies you have presented to them.

Congratulations, you have betrayed yourself.

ceadaoin.

Your wife deserves to know the real reason you left. It seems like you are avoiding telling her so you have the option of going back to her and acting like nothing happened. This is cowardly behaviour.

If you do get back together, how do you think you will feel keeping this from her, constantly having to watch what you say etc. More importantly, how do you think she feels right now, not knowing why you left. I guarantee she wouldn't be begging for you to come back if she knew the truth, probably the reason you won't tell her TBH.

You are messing with 2 women's heads here...you need to be by yourself a while and sort yourself out!!

pollypocket10

Unregistered wrote: »

I suppose i do love my wife, we just kind of drifted apart, cant really talk to anybody about this because no one knows what i was up to, i hav'nt gone running back to my wife yet, she knows nothing of what has happened since i left, i'm taking some time out to try and get some perspective on the issues, really feel like i,m having a breakdown at the moment. I know i'm resposible for everything that happened and know the cliche of i,ve made my bed so i'll have to lay in it, i'm well aware of the devestation and destruction i've caused with the course of actions i have taken. I see my daughter for a few hours twice weekly, but its just not enough for me.I know from my post i don't seem like a nice person, but i just got involved in something and lost control of everything, i really fell hard for the other women and its killing me for what i 've done to both of them, just dont know what to do or where to turn to, feel like just packing up and getting out of this country, but cant leave my daughter.

You can't undo what you've done and can't make it right. You've made your bed ....

You still haven't been honest with either of these women. You've hurt both of them and caused devastation in their lives and you continue to lie to them selfishly.

You don't even sound concerned with them or their feelings, just your own, I think both of them would be better off without you.

You need to decide if you do actually love your wife, then you need to be completely honest with her about what has gone on. If you're lucky she might be able to forgive you, if not move on and leave them both alone.

paperclip2

Unregistered wrote: »

... but i just got involved in something and lost control of everything,

OP I'm sorry if i come across as harsh but you didn't just get involved in something, you made choices at every step.

You chose not to talk to your wife about the lack of intimacy and its effect on you.

You chose to sleep with and get into a relationship with another woman.

You chose to leave your marriage.

You are going through a rough patch with your girlfriend, maybe over the abortion and you again choose to leave.

It seems to me that you take what looks like the easy and selfish option at each stage. You are unable to be honest with any of the women in your life and this is contributing greatly to a lot of the problems you're having. If you want to figure out where to go from here then do both women the courtesy of being up front with them. Tell your wife about the affair, the abortion etc. Give her a chance to make up her own mind. Tell your girlfriend the truth about missing your wife and child.
As others have said if you don't tell them then where you go from here will just be based on more lies. Not the best example for your daughter.

SarahSassy

You need to step away from both women and catch a breath...

You dont love your wife enough and its not fair to use her to get access to your kid. Obviously the fact your wife didnt know where you were living had an affect on where and how you could see your kid but surely if you get your own place you can go for more access.

Millie

I find it hard to understand that your wife has no idea of what has gone on in you life...do you live miles apart?? Also do your family know what you have been doing??
I don't think your wife will be as happy to take you back when she is made aware of all the details however you need to tell her word for word what has happened.

I agree with what has already been said, you need to take time out from both situations and decide what you really, really want.

Beruthiel

Unregistered wrote: »

I suppose i do love my wife, we just kind of drifted apart

Lets be honest here, you drifted apart from your wife because you were too busy putting effort into your mistress instead of into your wife and child.

Marriages just don't stay nice, happy and healthy without a great effort from both parties.
Your wife had a child and was putting her energy into that, like any good parent should.
It probably took a lot of energy out of her.
You were supposed to be there helping her with that and talking to her about getting your sex life and relationship back on track so you could both keep the family together.

Time to stop making excuses.
First off, I recommend you talk to a professional so you can get your head straight.
Secondly, work out what it is you actually want.
If it is to get your wife back, then it's time for total honesty and tell her everything.
Let the cards fall where they may and see whither she wants to continue a relationship with you.
I'm afraid that there is no fixing this.
There is just getting through it as best you can.

LegacyUser

Really appreciate the replies guys..I know i deserve all i get from replies whether good or bad, but no amount of negative replies could make me feel any lower than i do right now. Sorry about the "suppose" thing i'm not great at getting myself across sometimes. Will definatley look at seeking some sort of professional help,need too, i'm emotionally and pysically drained right now. I'm sure mywife loves me(she would'nt if she knew what had been going on). Maybe i am a good liar which i'm in no way proud of by the way.I am really concerned for both of them and their feelings, i deserve what i get...In reponse to another poster my GF knew i was married, we just both fell madely in love with each other, i'm sorry if i'm not making much sense just finding it really difficult at the moment, head is all mushed up...

Jenneke87

Unregisterd wrote: »

Long story so here it goes....A little bit of backround first, Married 7 years to a wonderful women, were going out for 6 before that, have a beautiful 3 year old daughter, a great house,good job, cars the whole lot. Things hav'nt been great since our daughter was born and my wife kind of put all her energy and love into the new arrival, which i had.nt got a problem with. Our sex life became non existant which was a big thing to me as i have a high sex drive.
.

This part just puzzles me. Of course your sexlifes declines when a baby is born. First of all, the womans body has to recover from the birth and secondly, looking after a newborn and breastfeeding takes an enormous amount of energy out of the mother, who is most likely exhausted from a lack of sleep because of nightfeeds, changing diapers, baby crying etc.What did you expect? That she´d still have the energy to ride your bones every night? Did you do anything at all to help her so she´d be less tired? Did you tell her that you were bothered with the lack of sex? For someone whom you brand as"wonderful" it makes no sense you go off running with someone else. You´re either really naive or just...stupid, it´s the only word I can find for it....

Any which way, you need to be honest with your wife and tell her what happend. If you have any bit of respect left for her, you owe it to her so that she can make up her mind about what she wants to do with you. Actions speak louder than words and you made it painfully clear you don´t love her, it´s almost sad.In regards to you "girlfriend" I don´t think it´s fair to leave her struggling on her own. The abortion is a result of both your actions so both will have to deal with it, not just her.

If you feel you can´t talk to anyone, perhaps it´s an idea to call one of those helplines out there, who could offer you some guidance.

Best of luck with the situation.

Oryx

You already know how much youve fcuked up here, you dont need me to explain what you should have done months or years ago. None of that can be changed now anyway. I know youve hurt other people, but I'm not going to talk about how your wife or girlfriend may or may not be feeling. You posted here, this is about you.

You sound like you are pretty needy, as in you need to be wanted, and desired, and you also need the kick of lust and new love to make you feel alive. Normal life with all its downturns and mundane stuff isnt enough. But with every high, there is a low, and thats what you face now. You may feel like you are going to explode from the stress of it, but thats partly because right now, youre not facing it. You cant decide which woman you want, or if you want either of them. Personally, I think you should not be with either of them, because it doesnt sound like you are fully able to commit to either of them. Your wife you were growing apart from and your gf was just a lever out of what you made yourself think was an unhappy marriage (no matter how you say you loved your gf, that was based on an affair, a myth. It wasnt real, as you realised when you lived normally with her).

Allow yourself to accept that you can and probably should leave both women. Give yourself space to live alone (dont pick up the emotional crutch of another woman along the way, for gods sake). Face the consequences of your actions, the separation from your child, and the pain youve caused. Own up to it and live with that. If you coax yourself back into your married life, you do noone any favours, as you would only be doing so to maintain your own comfort, not to make your wife happy.

If you give yourself the space to see this situation more clearly, and to understand yourself more (and to pay an actual emotional price for what youve done) then over time, you will move on without more carnage.

Maybe youll redeem your marriage in time , but dont try to do that now. Be totally honest with both women about what you have done, and face whatever happens, even if it feels like dropping a bomb. Its the only way to begin to work through this mess.

Dizzyblonde

I can't help thinking that if you'd put as much effort in with your wife as you did with the other woman, you could have a wonderful relationship now.
The only advice I can give you is to come clean with your wife and let her decide what she wants. There's been enough dishonesty.

Amazotheamazing

You made some big mistakes, but since you can't change them, you have to ask if you've learned anything from them?

Do you really think you you'll be able to get back with your wife and not tell her about your girlfriend, her abortion, and everything that went with it? Doesn't sound like a great start to me.

On the otherhand, if you stay with your girlfriend, you should tell your wife so she can move on.

You're in so deep at this stage that some sort of honesty is all that's left to you.

No one here can tell you what's the best option, imo, you should get some space alone and decide what's best.

Woddle

Unregistered wrote: »

I feel like just packing up and getting out of this country, but cant leave my daughter.

unresgisterd wrote: »

. I'm sure mywife loves me(she would'nt if she knew what had been going on)

Unregistered wrote: »

I suppose i do love my wife.

Leave your poor wife to get on with her life and the task of finding someone else to love as you don't love her and you've no respect for her. I suggest you man up and tell her the truth, it's the least you can do.
You sound like you need to have a woman in your life but this would not be a good move for you or her so try being on your own for a while, fix your work life and bond with your daughter and please go get some professional help, they are worth it.
I actually wanted to say so much more but I feel it'll be wasted on you.

greengiant09

there's no way of righting the wrongs you committed so you can forget about that for a start. no offence but you sound self-centred and selfish. your whole post goes on about how bad things are for you.....after all you did, i don't think you have any right to believe that you deserve a happy ending in this situation.

on a positive note, your only human.....we all make mistakes. god knows i have, the important thing is to learn from them. you must take responsibility for your actions. the most graciousness thing you could do is tell your wife EVERYTHING that happened. you may find ironically that you'll get some sort of release from this.

it sounds like your marriage with your wife is over whether you go back to her or not....

LegacyUser

This thread makes me sad. I became quite close to a married man recently who tried to start something, but I know that nothing good ever comes of these things so I cut him out. (nothing happened at all)

I think generally it happens to people who were either together a long time or married young so they dont get to make these mistakes and learn from them before they're married.

Anyone reading this if you're unhappy in your marriage for gods sake, either work at it or leave. Dont start an affair... its just so messy. I feel very sorry for the girlfriend and your wife in this situation.

OP I really think you need to take some time out on your own and think about what you really want. Personally I dont think either of these women are right in the longer term, but I could be wrong. You need to digest what has happened before you can move on.

Best of luck.

sara-lou

I don't think your wife would want you back if she knew what you really did?? i think it has gone too far for ye to have a chance and you have treated the mother of your child terribly, she deserves better than you.

The other lady is also being treated like dirt, for people you love you really do have a funny way of showing it.

Everybody makes mistakes and you have dug yourself in really deep here. I think you should def speak to somebody professional. Its not going to be an easy road but for your own sanity it has to be done.

Don't be a coward and face the mess you have caused.. Both women deserve that. Your child needs you, she should be your number one priority.

StillWaters

Unregistered wrote: »

....I see my daughter for a few hours twice weekly, but its just not enough for me....

I'm not going to reiterate what everyone else has said, but the above shocked me. For all your protestations that you love your daughter, this low level of access is dreadful. I'm guessing you haven't pushed for, or gone to Court for more?

Amazotheamazing

StillWaters wrote: »

I'm not going to reiterate what everyone else has said, but the above shocked me. For all your protestations that you love your daughter, this low level of access is dreadful. I'm guessing you haven't pushed for, or gone to Court for more?

Not all that uncommon in Ireland, though things are changing. The primary carer (usually the mother) has all the power really.

OP, ask yourself do you really love your wide or do you want to be with your wife to see your child? If it's the latter you're better off staying away, imo, and working on getting proper access to your child.