Teenage tantrums!

cazzycaz

I have a 15 year old daughter who is causing chaos. She frightens her little brothers screaming shouting and wrecking the house. Her older sisters think she is mad. She can't accept any rules or boundaries. If i impose any restrictions on her she stops eating and makes herself sick. She makes up stories about what awful parents she has. She is generally making home life awful. Outside of the home she behaves well and does well at school. Any suggestions?:(

Khannie

cazzycaz wrote: »

If i impose any restrictions on her she stops eating and makes herself sick.

This is going to sound super harsh....but I'd let her at it. She needs restrictions imposed for her own benefit (though she might not see it that way). A day or two not eating wont do her any harm.

cazzycaz

Ye it's not really her that I'm to worried about but more the other kids. She has physically hurt the other kids a couple of times. The lies she is telling other people is having an impact as well. I know she is just a very confused, emotional teenager and will grow out of it but the devastation her behavior is causing is awful..

CrazyRabbit

Due to the fact that she has physically hurt her siblings, I'd say it's time to get some outside help.

Perhaps http://www.familytherapyireland.com/ can assist in getting you in touch with a suitable therapist.

Sleepy

This may sound awful but are the other kids allowed to hit back in self defence?

Our 1 year old kept walloping her 4 year old brother and no amount of telling off or naughty corner was working with her. We told him that next time she hit him he was allowed to give her a smack.... She learnt her lesson very quickly.

Chuchoter

omg, thats insane. If she wants to stop eating let her, its like when a 3 year old holds their breath. Maybe send her to the gaeltacht for a month, her housemates won't take that kind of crap from her there. If thats not a possibility, I'd be getting outside help involved before she does some damage. Can her older sisters talk to her, she might listen and talk to them more.

Grindylow

She sounds like a spoilt brat to be honest. Do you give in to everything she does? If so, you should just try ignoring anything she does, then she wont get the attention she's looking for! Also attacking the siblings could be just trying to get your attention again. Seems she's a bit of an attention seeker..

From a teen point of view, by the way! :P

cazzycaz

Noel2k9 wrote: »

She sounds like a spoilt brat to be honest. Do you give in to everything she does? If so, you should just try ignoring anything she does, then she wont get the attention she's looking for! Also attacking the siblings could be just trying to get your attention again. Seems she's a bit of an attention seeker..

From a teen point of view, by the way! :P

Ye your definately right on all counts. No I don't give her what she wants definately not! Nice to get a teen view. Thanks

LegacyUser

I would definitely be concerned about her mental health - it could be just hormones or attitude but it could also be teen depression which tends to often present as anger rather than sadness. Adolescence is often when mental health issues first present and they often get missed due to being written off as bad teen behaviour or teen angst. Is this a change form her personality before adolescence - has she always been explosive and aggressive? Either way I think a trip to the doctor and assessment of her mental health is in order.

katie99

Sleepy wrote: »

This may sound awful but are the other kids allowed to hit back in self defence?

Our 1 year old kept walloping her 4 year old brother and no amount of telling off or naughty corner was working with her. We told him that next time she hit him he was allowed to give her a smack.... She learnt her lesson very quickly.

Tell me, how did your one year old 'wallop' your 4 year old? get a grip.

katie99

Give her a good old fashioned over the knee spanking on her bum and that will cool her temper.

Dilynnio

I know of a family who went threw the same thing.

I do not know the in's and out's of it but I do know that her behaviour was very similar.

I would say to seek outside help......contact you GP or ring some where like Cluin Mhuire and seek some professional help.

How you deal with this is of the utmost importance.....its a very delicate situation in my opinion.

As far as I know the girl had therapy of some kind and is doing great now.

There is help out there

digme

cazzycaz wrote: »

I have a 15 year old daughter who is causing chaos. She frightens her little brothers screaming shouting and wrecking the house. Her older sisters think she is mad. She can't accept any rules or boundaries. If i impose any restrictions on her she stops eating and makes herself sick. She makes up stories about what awful parents she has. She is generally making home life awful. Outside of the home she behaves well and does well at school. Any suggestions?:(

I'd say she might resent you,you're probably being too nice to her when she's acting like a bitch.The more restrictions you put on her the worse she will turn out,give her some freedom if that's what she's lacking otherwise she will be doing a lot worse things than not eating to get back at you.
You also were a teenager before.

Nevyn

katie99 wrote: »

Tell me, how did your one year old 'wallop' your 4 year old? get a grip.

Very easily, at that age they do hit others.

katie99 wrote: »

Give her a good old fashioned over the knee spanking on her bum and that will cool her temper.

Not funny or help there katie99, if you have an issue with a post please report it.

cazzycaz

digme wrote: »

I'd say she might resent you,you're probably being too nice to her when she's acting like a bitch.The more restrictions you put on her the worse she will turn out,give her some freedom if that's what she's lacking otherwise she will be doing a lot worse things than not eating to get back at you.
You also were a teenager before.

Well she is my 3rd teenage daughter and the other two never had a problem. She has plenty freedom but has to accept their are boundaries.

I.E She is not allowed to go to pubs or clubs.
She has to let me know where she is going and she must be back at a reasonable time.
She is only allowed to stay over at peoples house who i know.

I don't feel any of them are unreasonable and my only interest is that she is safe and hopefully happy.

Yes I was a teenager and also had to accept what my parents said and accepted the fact that they only had my best interests at heart.

Grindylow

cazzycaz wrote: »

Well she is my 3rd teenage daughter and the other two never had a problem. She has plenty freedom but has to accept their are boundaries.

I.E She is not allowed to go to pubs or clubs.
She has to let me know where she is going and she must be back at a reasonable time.
She is only allowed to stay over at peoples house who i know.

I don't feel any of them are unreasonable and my only interest is that she is safe and hopefully happy.

Yes I was a teenager and also had to accept what my parents said and accepted the fact that they only had my best interests at heart.

I doubt its anything to do with boundaries, seems like she just wants attention the whole time which could be something in her personality. Maybe try and get some time where its just you and her doing something (not something to public, could get embarrassing :P), but maybe just going shopping or something like that every so often and she'll get your full attention then so it might help the situation? Just my point of view like!

molard

nothing wrong with the bounderies.when she misbehaves have short and to the point conversations with her.try and find out if her friends have changed.is school really ok.

cazzycaz

Thanks everyone for all the advice and ideas have taken it on board.:D

gaillimheach

A good, strong/effective male father-figure sharply reprimanding the misbehaviour might be enough to nip it in the bud.

I also think that misbehaviours should have consequences:
removing mobile phone for a time/withdrawing access to the computer/foregoing pocket-money... much better punishment than the spanking one proposed!:D

There should be an incremental code of punishments, starting with minor punishments for first infractions and minor misbehaviours, going all the way up to increasingly long withdrawals of technology and pocket-money. Maybe also, grounding her.

Bottom line is she needs to learn boundaries and to behave like a civilised human being.

I'd only the psychologist or psychiatrist route if the disciplinary one failed first.

Ickle Magoo

cazzycaz wrote: »

I have a 15 year old daughter who is causing chaos. She frightens her little brothers screaming shouting and wrecking the house. Her older sisters think she is mad. She can't accept any rules or boundaries. If i impose any restrictions on her she stops eating and makes herself sick. She makes up stories about what awful parents she has. She is generally making home life awful. Outside of the home she behaves well and does well at school. Any suggestions?:(

Have you asked her why? Maybe try sitting down with her or having a lunch out together and try to get to the bottom of why she is behaving that way rather than just trying to find ways of dealing with the results.

Having said that....
When you say she can't accept rules or boundaries, what are the consequences? I think you need well defined consequences for misbehaviour and well defined consequences for not accepting the original consequences. If she finds herself grounded and without mobile or internet time consistently every time she misbehaves, she'll cop on pretty quickly that it just isn't worth it.

Best of luck!

gaillimheach

Almost nothing hurts teenagers as much as the removal of their mobile phones or not being allowed access to the internet. Use that to your advantage! But make sure you also take their SIM card - otherwise they can just put it into another mobile phone and continue as normal.

Sleepy

katie99 wrote: »

Tell me, how did your one year old 'wallop' your 4 year old? get a grip.

Ehm, that's exactly how: with toys she has in her hands... she is closer to 2 than one now but even at her first birthday she was big enough to do that.

Cabaal

As with any kid they have a favorite thing, be it a stereo, PC, bike, mobile phone or whatever.

Sit her down and explain she has to be civil or that item she loves will be taken away for a month, as long as you pick the correct item that she can't live without then this action will break her and should get her to cop on.

When she cops on and acts civil then she'll get the item back, simply really.
First week might be hard but she'll soon realise.

One of my sisters growing up was a nightmare and she will always say to this day that when my parents took away her rollerskates that broke her as she almost lived in them before hand,

old_aussie

Film her tantrums and upload it to you tube.

Peer pressure will sort her out

Fenetta

Seek help wrote: »

I would definitely be concerned about her mental health - it could be just hormones or attitude but it could also be teen depression which tends to often present as anger rather than sadness. Adolescence is often when mental health issues first present and they often get missed due to being written off as bad teen behaviour or teen angst. Is this a change form her personality before adolescence - has she always been explosive and aggressive? Either way I think a trip to the doctor and assessment of her mental health is in order.

They above advice is the best advice you could get. I am in a similar situation with a teenage boy. Got the GP to talk to him and yes, teenages often present with anger rather than staying in bed, sadness etc.. that we adults are familiar with as being symptoms of depression. Please talk to and/or get her to your GP. Don't assume its all teenage tantrums.

I'm not a parent, just a 19 year old who stumbled on this thread.

Don't "leave her to it". If you act ok about her not eating she may not just get hungry and give up. She might like it. It might continue and go out of control. Using diet as a form of sticking it to you might suit her and she might get food issues.

As lots of other posters have said, get professional help for her, maybe include the family if it's possible.

There are a lot of things that teenagers see as rights. I used to think that if all my friends had something I must be entitled to it too. Not true. Again as other posters have said, take away the stuff she doesn't realise you supply. If she's acting up like this, it's because she doesn't think you can affect her. Mobile phone, internet access, computer in general, money to go out, fake tan, makeup, any special toiletries, favourite clothes you've bought her, whatever. Think of something that even you take for granted as something you give to her. Then take it away until she cops on, or until you can get to a professional.

Fenetta

Thanks for your PM, True or False,

Good to hear from a teenager. Truly you have grown up a lot since you believed you were entitled to everything. Perhaps we all felt that at one time. Someone said we all get real when we realise that we are on our own journey in this world all ALONE.
'Happiness' comes from within ourselves.

But the average teen can take the hard way in life and make themselves and everyone else miserable until they find out what life is all about. (or are they miserable because they have found out?)

Sadly and truthfully, we are only beginning to realise that the person/ teen or adult HAS to want to seek professional help and be willing to go ahead with it.
NO parent or doctor can GET help, we can only tell them about it.

Zen65

cazzycaz wrote: »

She is not allowed to go to pubs or clubs.
She has to let me know where she is going and she must be back at a reasonable time.
She is only allowed to stay over at peoples house who i know.

These are all very reasonable boundaries for a 15-year old teenager. She may be seeing her older siblings having an "easier time" of it and fails to understand that boundaries should only move in proportion to age and demonstrated maturity. Maybe some of her friends have parents that don;t set such boundaries (I have found some of my kids' friends' parents are afraid to say "no" to their kids, and are usually delighted if I put a stop to something that the kids are planning). When any of my kids get stroppy about the boundaries I set for them, I tighten the boundaries (especially internet access, or going out during the week) for a while until they accept that the rules are there to be obeyed, and they are there for their own good.

Don't let her tantrums dissuade you from doing the right thing as a parent. She will understand as she gets older.

Be at peace,

Z