To tell him or not..

Justask

Ok what do I do from an outside point of view...

Broke up with my ex a year ago, we both took the break up bad (but most break up's are bad right!!)

He was/is the only man I loved or will ever love.
So recently contact was made just "hi how are you" etc

So now im in 2 minds about telling him how i feel, friends and family are all telling me different things
* tell him you have nothing to lose
* do you really want to go back to were you were
* you only ever get one soul mate
* What if he rejects you

Or relationship was rocky in places but as a whole was good. We had our ups and downs but I think all couples do

What would you do?

Miss Fluff

If lonely/horny/bored/vulnerable there is a tendency to view past relationships with rose-tinted glasses. We've all done it. You reason with yourself "Maybe X wasn't such a twat after all:rolleyes:"and conveniently gloss over any of their bad habits or the reasons you broke up in the first place.

Who instigated contact? And had you been thinking of him so fondly up until then? I'd say all that you are suffering from his a normal bout of nostalgia. Nothing more. I'd be inclined to leave it in the past.

Miss Fluff

Justask wrote: »

He was/is the only man I loved or will ever love.

Nonsense! If you convince yourself of that you will miss out on so much. Seriously.

Ickle Magoo

You would need to look at why you broke up and who is initiating contact. Are any of the issues that drove you apart likely to have resolved or are you both better able to resolve them?

I would proceed with caution, "Hi how are you" is not an invitation to get back together or that he is at all interested in you, before getting your hopes up I think you have to consider that he could well be in a place with someone else that he now feels able to initiate contact again and it has nothing to do with a reconciliation.

Best of luck.

Justask

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

You would need to look at why you broke up and who is initiating contact. Are any of the issues that drove you apart likely to have resolved or are you both better able to resolve them?

I would proceed with caution, "Hi how are you" is not an invitation to get back together or that he is at all interested in you, before getting your hopes up I think you have to consider that he could well be in a place with someone else that he now feels able to initiate contact again and it has nothing to do with a reconciliation.

Best of luck.

Hiya
He made the contact and i know hes single!
I think i just need to take a long think
Thanks for the well wishes

StillWaters

Justask wrote: »

He was/is the only man I loved or will ever love......
* you only ever get one soul mate

How on earth do you know you will never love again? I bet the farm you will.

I'm much older than you (guessing), and IME the soul mate comment is totally untrue. We have amazing connections with different people over the course of our lives. I've met quite a few soul mates, and just because there is an amazing connection doesn't mean the relationship will last, or we are meant to be in each others lives forever.

By all means, tell him how you feel if... you want to get back together, you feel the issues that led to the break-down are resolved, and your confidence is sufficiently high to deal with rejection.

Justask

StillWaters wrote: »

How on earth do you know you will never love again? I bet the farm you will.

I'm much older than you (guessing), and IME the soul mate comment is totally untrue. We have amazing connections with different people over the course of our lives. I've met quite a few soul mates, and just because there is an amazing connection doesn't mean the relationship will last, or we are meant to be in each others lives forever.

By all means, tell him how you feel if... you want to get back together, you feel the issues that led to the break-down are resolved, and your confidence is sufficiently high to deal with rejection.

I believe you only have one soul mate and one true love, but thats just my opnion

And im sure your not older lol
Thanks for your reply

Cullen82

Justask wrote: »

I believe you only have one soul mate and one true love, but thats just my opnion

And im sure your not older lol
Thanks for your reply

I'm gobsmacked that anyone would ever believe this to be true

dellas1979

Cripes that is a big statement to make that you'll never love anyone again!

If problems in the relationship that caused it to end in the first place are insurmountable, then go for it.

If you are seeing it all through rose tinted glasses, because of your ideologies above, dont.

niceoneted

I would ask myself this if I were you - Are you missing what you had with him or are you missing him? Huge difference. It might take time to figure this one out.
Don't head what those close to you say go with your own gut instinct good or bad.
If you feel so strongly about saying something do. I believe it is the things you don't do in life that you regret most not the things you do - although there is somethings a regret with these they don't seem as big as when you didn't do something.
SO what have you got to lose to tell him, small bit of pride which you can gain back
Good luck.

Zen65

Justask wrote: »

He was/is the only man I loved or will ever love.

I can't offer any advice either way, there just isn't enough information in your post to understand your situation.

But check this out before you taint your thinking about soul mates.

Be at peace,

Z

Justask

Zen65 wrote: »

I can't offer any advice either way, there just isn't enough information in your post to understand your situation.

But check this out before you taint your thinking about soul mates.

Be at peace,

Z

Thank you!!!

LegacyUser

One of the main problems that you have in asking this question here on Boards is that you will tend to get the "move on", "forget about it", "you need to cut contact with ex partners" answers. I dont think that these are necessarily the right answers although for some people, this is absolutely what should happen. I see you are allready getting the responses that people dont believe some things, I see a response that somebody is "gobsmacked" that you could believe that you have one soul mate or that you may "miss out" if you convince yourself about your love for somebody.

I, however, have a slightly different perspective although I can't tell you what to do as you haven't made it clear what you want. People make mistakes, people mature, people realise that things could have been different if something was different in the past. I know I made a serious mistake in the past. I can't change it now but I know that the advice to forget about it and move on was so wrong on so many levels that it is almost unreal. The advice I see you are being given is incomplete, How are people saying that you should ignore "the one true love" thing if that is actually the case for you?

Anyway, I think you need to look at YOUR feelings. What do YOU want? What do YOU expect to get from further contact? If you want to get back together, you should be clear in your own mind that it is for the right reasons and not just because it might be easier to try it again.

I would advise not telling to be honest.

You either want to get back with this person or you do not.

If you do not then telling him will gain you nothing at all. It will only risk dredging up old feelings and make you all miserable.

If you do want to get back with him then coming on that strong from the start will be a little much. I always tell people that the best way to win a person back is to not try. There’s too much feelings and tension and pressure when the person doing the winning is always trying to get the other back. It actually ends up driving them away.

Instead try and recapture what it was like when the person first fell for you. Do the same things, act the same way… Let that person remember who you are and remember why they fell for you in the first place. They can then do that in a relaxed way without sitting there tense thinking “Oh god, when is she going to start bringing up the getting back together stuff _again_ I think I will go mad if another night is ruined by that stuff.”

If the reply to “Hi how are you” results in a stream of emotional responses, painful memories and requests for getting back together though… he will likely never say “Hi how are you” again.

Instead try replying with something like “Yea im grand here. Funny you should contact me, I was JUST thinking about time we went to X and did Y. That was such a laugh. We should do that again for old times sake…”

Having said all that I second what people are saying about you only getting one true love or one soul mate. It just does not seem to be true at all. Some people find many. Some a few. I myself found one when I was young but lost her. Now however I live with two in an unusual but very much working relationship and I do not love either of them more or less than the other, just different.

You will never love anyone else the same way you loved this man… but this is because you never love any two people the same. However this is not the same as suggesting you will never get a connection with the same depth, power, intensity etc. because more than likely you will.

Wibbs

Objectively yes there are millions of people out there who could be your "soulmate". The chances of finding the perfect person for you, even if that existed would be very high. The odds are in your favour.

Subjectively it can be quite different and individuals can be quite different. Some fall in love at the drop of a hat. Some have the capacity to fall out of love with one and back in love with another in a matter of weeks. Some only have the capacity to fall in love 2 or three times in their lives. The former are going to have a very different take on this than the latter. Most people fall somewhere in the middle.

Now I agree with the people who say you will fall in love with someone again. Pretty much guaranteed. I also agree with taxAHcruel in that it will be different each time. But and it's a big but, you're in love with this particular guy at the moment. Plenty more fish in the sea isn't much use if you only want one fish.

I figure, life's too short, so if you feel this way then do something about it. I also agree with taxAHcruel in how you should go about it. Be the person you were when you first met. The person he fell in love with. Don't do the "lets get back together/I love you" right off the bat. It always puts people on the back foot. People going through current breakups should remember that what they're usually doing to stop it is copperfastening the breakup. I'd even go so far as to say that half of all breakups(that dont involve abuse etc) could be stopped in their tracks.

So you found out he's single, he's fallen in love with you before so you have that advantage, and it seems he made and is open to contact. All good. So take it slow, keep your own options open and see how it goes. If it fails? It's still a result as you will have tried.

SarahSassy

Why did you break up if the relationship was good overall?

Taltos

I suggest taking it slowly.

Who knows, maybe he is just looking to reconnect as friends?

If though it appears to be more - then I recommend:
Learning from your past breakup and both committing not to repeat past mistakes.
I also suggest that what happened back then is left back then and is not raked back up say in 6mts when you have your first spat or your 21st - nothing will hurt more or will guarantee and end that one of you throwing back a fight from the past in the others face - it just will illustrate that those hurt feelings were never dealt with...
In fact treat this relationship as a new relationship, take each day as it comes and try not to fall into the assumption stage so soon.

If you do decide to proceed though and all looks good do try to have a talk as early as possible to set out these guidelines and also to clear the air over what happened before. Otherwise you may run the risk of history repeating.

Hope that it works out for you.