Would you be ok with this?

LegacyUser

Maybe I’m just a prude but I saw something that I just don’t think I’d be comfortable with.

I was at a party at my OH’s house at the weekend. He and the others renting the house are from another town and a few people from their hometown where invited. It was a late one and lots of drink was taken. Me and OH came home slightly earlier than the others and went to bed. The others kept the part going for a while before eventually everyone went to sleep.

Next morning I went down to see the damage and bodes were scattered around the place on couches, the floor etc which was to be expected. One of the girls was slagging a guy about spooning one of the other girls as she’d slept in his bed. Now he is single but she is in a long term relationship. I was a bit shocked to be honest and kind of said in a jokey way god what would your OH think of that? But she thought nothing of it, said it’s a regular occurrence when they all meet up. Group conversation followed and they all had examples of when they’d shared beds in the past. Including examples of when some of them had shared beds with my OH (before me)

Now I don’t think I would be comfortable with my OH sharing a bed with any of these girls. I don’t think it’s happened since we got together as I’ve pretty much been invited to all the get togethers (only bout 2 -3 times a year really). So while it hasn’t come up yet, it might in the future if I’m not there.

What do you think, am I being OTT or am I right not to be comfortable.

Kimia

You have the right to not be comfortable with your OH sleeping in the same bed as other women, so feel free to mention that to him so that he knows the boundaries.

You do not have the right to comment on other people's arrangements.

god what would your OH think of that?

was very insensitive and judgemental. It is none of your business what she or her OH thinks of anything.

SarahSassy

Dont mean to be smart but it doesnt matter what we think about it, if you are not happy then you need to explain this to your OH. Some people will say its over reacting and others will say it isnt so at the end of the day its down to your own personal compass. If you dont like it, tell him and if he wants to 'retain the right' to share a bed with other people then you need to make a decision...

LegacyUser

I was surprised and expressed an opinion. Others were joking about it. It's the same as saying " God how can you walk in such high heels ". Don't think there is anything wrong with that

The reason I am asking for opinions is because I think if my OH is ok with it then we should have to create some sort of boundary or line. I just want to be sure that me saying that I'm not comfortable with that is not unreasonable.

Miss Fluff

I wouldn't be comfortable either if a guy I was with was spooning another girl. Not at all. Don't make a big deal about it but have a chat with him and just say that while it's fine for some people, that it would upset you. Just so you are both clear on where you stand on it.

I am entirely fine with it as are the girls I am going out with. We all do it often with people we are very close to and trust. There is not a lot of people any of us do it with, but both the girls and I have people we are open and trusting enough with to do that with. Sometimes maybe not even clothed. This is just what we are ok with.

However just because it is ok with me, does not mean it has to be ok with anyone else OP. Everyone’s boundaries and parameters for a relationship are their own and a relationship is about not just sharing, but also compromise by realising that you have to respect each other boundaries to a point too.

If not doing that with another girl is something you want from your relationship then you have to make sure he is clear on that. There is a long list of things that being with you means and this is one of them and it has to be respected.

Do not feel guilty about it at any stage or use words like “prude” about yourself. This is just you judging what should be ok for you based on what is good for someone else and you can not do that. There is no right or wrong here any more than there is a right and wrong about whether Chocolate Ice-cream tastes good or not. There is only what is true for you.

Kimia

Tax may I ask - do you have several girlfriends? It sounds like you have an open relationship?

I agree with your post btw, i'm just curious!

prudish???

prudish??? wrote: »

I was surprised and expressed an opinion. Others were joking about it. It's the same as saying " God how can you walk in such high heels ". Don't think there is anything wrong with that

Except it's not the same at all. It's not a simple observation, it's a judgement and an implication that the girl's OH would, or should, have a problem with it. It's absolutely none of your business what her OH thinks and you had no right to ask a question like that.

The reason I am asking for opinions is because I think if my OH is ok with it then we should have to create some sort of boundary or line. I just want to be sure that me saying that I'm not comfortable with that is not unreasonable.

Simple, tell him you're not comfortable with it and don't want him to do it. Whether or not the rest of them do it is irrelevant.

whatsamsn

On the subject...
If any girlfriend of mine slept in a bed with another man, let alone spooning, is a definite not on.

Im not the insecure type too. There are boundaries in every relationship. Each person can be different as we all now. But spooning another guy in a bed? ... thats a no no. I dont think many men would see their girlfriend doing that as "not an issue"


As for you op. Just let your boyfriend know thats something you wouldnt like him to do. As for the girl who done it. Well thats her boyfriends problem. Thats if she knows she does it sometimes.

katie99

Forgive my ignorance but what exactly is spooning?

Ickle Magoo

katie99 wrote: »

Forgive my ignorance but what exactly is spooning?

Cuddling in, both facing the same way.

OP,

It doesn't matter what other people think is OK, you'll get the whole spectrum of boundaries other people are happy to have. The important thing is what you feel comfortable with and whether you think it would be crossing your boundary if your OP spent the night spooning with an old friend.

As to what other people do, I think that's up to them. :cool:

Kimia

Kimia wrote: »

Tax may I ask - do you have several girlfriends? It sounds like you have an open relationship?

A bit OT so I can not go into it really, but yea I live with two and we are together. Our relationship is not "Open". They would castrate me with a pickaxe if I was to do the naughty with anyone else. We have a baby on the way and all.

However, back OT a bit, we are "open" enough that we are fine with spooning or sharing beds with close friends. Nothing sexual, just intimate.

But as I said thats US and no one should judge themselves by how we are. If the OP for example does not want her OH to do this, then the OH needs to respect that, no matter how innocent they think it is.

LegacyUser

Madeleine Embarrassed Fig wrote: »

Except it's not the same at all. It's not a simple observation, it's a judgement and an implication that the girl's OH would, or should, have a problem with it. It's absolutely none of your business what her OH thinks and you had no right to ask a question like that.

It wasn't a judgement. I don't care what other people do, and she had no problem that I asked. Gees like, come down off the high horse! I was simply curious and wanted to compare it to my own feelings on the matter.

Thanks for responses, I guess I need to figure out where my line is. I definitely wouldn't be happy with spooning but I don't know if I would be ok with them just passing out in the bed next to each other either. It can't be hard to find a happy medium in relationships at times .

LegacyUser

OP just for the record I have shared beds with men in the past and it was all very innocent. It really was just to sleep. Sometimes there were a few people in the bed. Mind you we are all clothed and there wasn't huge amounts of alcohol taken.
And there wasn't any spooning going on. I think for that the people involved would have to be tactile people or there was some intimacy.
I don't know if this happens much outside the teens and twenties though? Correct me if I'm wrong.

pollypocket10

Am no I certainly wouldn't.

I agree with the previous poster about teens, maybe early 20's. After that I think people grow out of the "partying all night and conking out wherever" phase.

How long have you been in a relationship. If it hasn't happened in that time maybe your OH feels it's not appropriate either or has grown out of that. I know I certainly don't want to be anywhere but my own bed after a night on the tiles these days!