Can we be independant women and still find love?

elleburp

Background; I've been told I'm a very independant woman. This is from a male friend who I trust, we were talking about being single because I've been mostly single for the last fews years now and I do wonder why sometimes. His opinion was that I'm an independant woman, he didn't mean it in a bad way but if a woman is independant then what would a man have to offer her?

What do you think?

I think I still need a man to be my sounding board, to get rid of spiders and give me cuddles occassionally, but I don't need him to pay my bills or clear my credit card. Would it put most guys off if they thought a woman could manage life on her own? What's your opinion ladies?

krudler

Speaking as a man, I dont want to be with a woman who cant pay her own bills. Wanting to be loved and being independent arent separate concepts, I like a girl I'm with to want to go out with her own friends, be with her family without me being around, go on holidays on her own etc etc. keeps the spark alive when you know the person doesnt solely rely on you and vice versa to keep each other occupied.

Novella

Oh my.

I don't think any woman should need a man, in the same way I don't think a man should need a woman. I dunno. Having a need to have a partner screams issues to me.

All of this independent woman stuff, ugh, makes me cringe and think of Destinys Child.

I don't need a boyfriend. I don't need someone to get spiders out of the bath. I definitely would never let a man clear my credit card. I may need my boyfriend, but in a whole different way. I need him because he tends to make my life a happier place, just by being who he is. I'm still perfectly independent as a person.

What do I have to offer him? A lot more than if I was a woman who believed that men always have to be the hero and save the day, I'd imagine.

Regina Phalange

Yes. Of course you can be independent and find love.

I have my own life, pay my own bills, have my own friends, a job, do things by myself, etc, AND am in love with my boyfriend for nearly 9 years.

I've been told by numerous people, including a close male friend like yourself that I'm independent.

Being in love or in a relationship doesn't stop you from being independent and your own person.

krudler

Novella wrote: »

Oh my.

I don't think any woman should need a man, in the same way I don't think a man should need a woman. I dunno. Having a need to have a partner screams issues to me.

All of this independent woman stuff, ugh, makes me cringe and think of Destinys Child.

I don't need a boyfriend. I don't need someone to get spiders out of the bath. I definitely would never let a man clear my credit card. I may need my boyfriend, but in a whole different way. I need him because he tends to make my life a happier place, just by being who he is. I'm still perfectly independent as a person.

What do I have to offer him? A lot more than if I was a woman who believed that men always have to be the hero and save the day, I'd imagine.

Needing someone isnt a bad thing, but in the context of your life is more fulfilled by them being in it, the partnership part. Not the "someone to pay my way" thing. But yeah, Destinys Child have a lot to answer for :pac:

edit: and so does Sex and the City..

epgc3fyqirnbsx

Not meaning to be down on your thread here OP but I think it is these kind of questions that stalls the natural progress of finding love or being happy with independence et all

Overanalysis is a dangerous games that it's easy to fall into and nothing good can come of it. Sure you need to stand back and take stock of whats happening in your life from time to time but you can't get too damn analytical about it. You can have a job, a good one and you can find love. Or not. Things happen for a huge variety of reasons. Imo you need to look at what you have now. Is it a job? And if so are you happy with that and does it make you independent. If so, brillaint, dont change it. Keep being happy and a relationship may follow.
And vice versa provided you give it a little work.

We used to work a lot harder a hundred years ago and manage all these things and tbh I think all this modern abstract nonsense is preoccupying a lot of minds that should be more busy living instead of thinking about what it means to be living.

panda100

Novella wrote: »

All of this independent woman stuff, ugh, makes me cringe and think of Destinys Child.
.

Ugh me too. Beyonce and her ilk always concentrate on the finacial independence, but that means f*ck all really. The majority of my independently wealthy friends are very needy and dependent on other people.

For me an independent women is someone who is very happy in her own company,confident in herself, and who is looking for a man not to validate herself but for love.

princess-lala

I should hope so!

Ive never found it a problem with finding a man and me being independent, Ive always been independent and always will be. That said I don't need a man to help me with that!

I'm self employed and have gotten where I am without a man (besides my dad) helping me!

pollypocket10

I pay my own bills, own my own house, have a successful career AND I am in a loving relationship. I don't think one has any baring on the other at all

I think I still need a man to be my sounding board, to get rid of spiders and give me cuddles occassionally, but I don't need him to pay my bills or clear my credit card. Would it put most guys off if they thought a woman could manage life on her own? What's your opinion ladies?[/QUOTE]


What man wants to pay a womans bills or CC? What sort of men are you talking to? Your idea of a relationship is a bit strange !

LittleBook

rockdrummer4 wrote: »

What man wants to pay a womans bills or CC? What sort of men are you talking to? Your idea of a relationship is a bit strange !

There are plenty of men out there who want to be the "financial controller" and plenty of women who are happy to let them do it, it's not so strange.

Regarding the OP, THIS is what I find strange!

elleburp wrote: »

His opinion was that I'm an independant woman, he didn't mean it in a bad way but if a woman is independant then what would a man have to offer her?

:eek:

Well I find it very strange If their are men and women out their who like that arrangement then fair deuce to them, but I would say in this day and age that has to be a small minority.

If this is all the advice the OP is hearing then she's has to be talking to the wrong people!!

What average family could live on one wage anyway?

Harrybelafonte

As stupid as this may sound, a woman should never strike someone as independent, the concept itself is totally off. People never think of a type of man as "an independent man", it's ridiculous. It's been a long time since I, if ever, met a woman who isn't "independent". Still meet plenty of men who need people to cook them dinner, but they're just lazy.

Malari

Harrybelafonte wrote: »

As stupid as this may sound, a woman should never strike someone as independent, the concept itself is totally off. People never think of a type of man as "an independent man", it's ridiculous. It's been a long time since I, if ever, met a woman who isn't "independent".

I agree. Independent in terms of what? I think when referring to women, it largely means financial I think. Maybe I don't move in the right "bank of dad" or gold-digger circles, but I don't know any woman who isn't financially independent.

Harrybelafonte wrote: »

Still meet plenty of men who need people to cook them dinner, but they're just lazy.

I'd say this breed is far more common, but that's not to say they can't survive. They just have a limited diet and wrinkly shirts.

elleburp

Harrybelafonte wrote: »

As stupid as this may sound, a woman should never strike someone as independent, the concept itself is totally off. People never think of a type of man as "an independent man", it's ridiculous. It's been a long time since I, if ever, met a woman who isn't "independent". Still meet plenty of men who need people to cook them dinner, but they're just lazy.

Thanks, I think you're right on the button there. It would never strike you to describe a man as being independant so it shouldn't really be an issue if a woman can live a good life within her own means and be happy with it.

I think my friend just meant that I'm happy in my own company, I have a very wide circle of friends and I don't need or rely on anyone to make me feel special or happy. I have dated a guy who believed that the average woman "needs" a man to make her feel special. I told him this wasn't true of all women and he told me I was the exception to the rule.

Anyway, it's rare enough in my circle to find a woman who has a profession. I guess some guys get scared off by it, others (like you guys) don't.

elleburp

rockdrummer4 wrote: »

I think I still need a man to be my sounding board, to get rid of spiders and give me cuddles occassionally, but I don't need him to pay my bills or clear my credit card. Would it put most guys off if they thought a woman could manage life on her own? What's your opinion ladies?

What man wants to pay a womans bills or CC? What sort of men are you talking to? Your idea of a relationship is a bit strange ![/QUOTE]
I don't think I've articulated what my idea of a relationship is. I wanted to keep my OP short and sweet, this thread isn't about me. I was just looking for opinions on what my friend said about being independant and implying that I'd need to be a little less independant if I was to find love. My summation regarding spiders and cuddles was a little side-rant I went on, nothing more.

Catari Jaguar

This opinion comes from a man in the land of the Irish Mammy? :rolleyes:

Dudess

Of course we can - I think your friend's theory is fairly off. Men generally not being attracted to self sufficient women... first I've heard of it.

K-9

I think it is more common than people think. I'm from Donegal though!

But yes, it is common enough. Maybe a small percentage but it stands out, because it is so archaic.

Tefral

Last thing a man wants to be in any relationship is a crutch, the same with any woman in a relationship im sure.

If there is a prevalence of men out there that like their women to rely on them, then thats actually something wrong with them - insecuritys etc.

ztoical

Alot of focus here on money making someone independent and I don't agree that makes someone independent. For me someone who is independent when it comes to relationships is the person who keeps their own identify when in one. Have seen plenty of people go from being themselves to being "a couple" and it's not just girls who do it. It's nice to be able to go out as a couple and spend time just the two of you but if your not able to go out on your own then there's issues. I've friends who refuse to go out if the other OH can't make it out. We've all seen the PI threads from people moaning that the other OH doesn't want to spend every waking second with them. Not saying there's anything wrong with wanting to spend time with your OH but there is a line between having quality time together and being totally dependent on them for all aspects of your social life. I'm sure we've all got those friends that were your friend Mary and your friend John but are now your friend "Mary and John".

Eve_Dublin

I´m having a bit of an internal battle with myself at the moment. I´ve always been very self-sufficient and have done everything for myself over the years, rarely accepting help from people even when I´ve needed it (except the odd financial bail out from my dad). I´d be a bit of a stickler for getting everything sorted on my own because that´s how I was brought up. The guy I´m with at the moment is quite traditional in a gentlemanly way and I´m finding it hard to bring down that guard in that respect because I guess I never have and it was never expected of me. It´s become kind of ridiculous at this stage but it´s hard breaking habits of a lifetime. Yesterday we went hiking as we do every week and we were crossing a river by some rocks. He went to take my hand and I pulled it away. I kind of said jokingly (but was deadly serious), "I´m from the rugged lands of Ireland, I´m well used to this!"...and then I slipped and fell in haha. Stupid scenario and I felt ridiculous. It wasn´t that I listened to too much Destiny´s Child (can´t say I´m a fan) growing up, it was just what was expected of me by friends, family and boyfriends in Ireland.

Moral of the story is I´ve got a man who wants to help me out when I need it and I have to learn to accept it. I guess it´s his way of showing how he feels so I´ll go with that. Damn hard to break a habit of a lifetime though.

um7y1h83ge06nx

elleburp wrote: »

His opinion was that I'm an independant woman, he didn't mean it in a bad way but if a woman is independant then what would a man have to offer her?

Not to attack you OP, as you're just posing the question but some of the older generation have the opinion that opinion that women are so 'independent' why would they bother with a man.

It's something that my mother says sometimes and it annoys the hell out of my brother and I. I guess we hope women would want more than just some sort of old-fashioned 'financial security'.

I agree with the rest of the male posters here that independence in a woman is very attractive. I love intelligent, independent women that are confident and certainly wouldn't want a 'trophy' girlfriend that was dependent on me and insecure.

Thank god for modern, liberal society!!

Abi

elleburp wrote: »

Background; I've been told I'm a very independant woman. This is from a male friend who I trust, we were talking about being single because I've been mostly single for the last fews years now and I do wonder why sometimes. His opinion was that I'm an independant woman, he didn't mean it in a bad way but if a woman is independant then what would a man have to offer her?

The things that are important. Love and companionship.

Chuchoter

What about getting things off high shelves and lifting things? Men are great for that, if nothing else! :P

rainbow kirby

crayolastereo wrote: »

What about getting things off high shelves and lifting things? Men are great for that, if nothing else! :P

A taller, stronger girl can do that just as well

Dudess

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

I´m having a bit of an internal battle with myself at the moment. I´ve always been very self-sufficient and have done everything for myself over the years, rarely accepting help from people even when I´ve needed it (except the odd financial bail out from my dad). I´d be a bit of a stickler for getting everything sorted on my own because that´s how I was brought up. The guy I´m with at the moment is quite traditional in a gentlemanly way and I´m finding it hard to bring down that guard in that respect because I guess I never have and it was never expected of me. It´s become kind of ridiculous at this stage but it´s hard breaking habits of a lifetime. Yesterday we went hiking as we do every week and we were crossing a river by some rocks. He went to take my hand and I pulled it away. I kind of said jokingly (but was deadly serious), "I´m from the rugged lands of Ireland, I´m well used to this!"...and then I slipped and fell in haha. Stupid scenario and I felt ridiculous. It wasn´t that I listened to too much Destiny´s Child (can´t say I´m a fan) growing up, it was just what was expected of me by friends, family and boyfriends in Ireland.

Moral of the story is I´ve got a man who wants to help me out when I need it and I have to learn to accept it. I guess it´s his way of showing how he feels so I´ll go with that. Damn hard to break a habit of a lifetime though.

I'm the opposite - I'm self-sufficient, single-minded etc, but a bit old-fashioned in a sense. I do like a guy who's a bit alpha-male "protector" - not too much so, but a wee bit... I likes.

neveah

I think Destiny's Child were singing about how they don't need a man to buy them stuff, they can buy it for themselves and encouraging women to rely on themselves and they sang it as something to be proud of and I think it is! It was an anti-gold-digger song.

I would describe myself as an independent woman but I still hope to find love and companionship. I would also describe most of my friends as independent women, we are all in our mid-late 20's and I think financial independence is very common in women nowadays. We all have to work and some women are thriving in their professions which is great to see. I think it's the norm these days.

As for emotionally independent, I think that's another story, I have a couple of friends who have never been single, they have went into one long term relationship after another. I would question how emotionally independent they are as they have never been alone.

Eve_Dublin

Dudess wrote: »

I'm the opposite - I'm self-sufficient, single-minded etc, but a bit old-fashioned in a sense. I do like a guy who's a bit alpha-male "protector" - not too much so, but a wee bit... I likes.

No no, I like it too but this is the first time I experienced it to be honest! All my previous boyfriends treated me like their buddy. It´s taking some getting used to but I definitely like it...like yourself, just a wee bit.

Dudess

Pulling out a chair, ordering at a restaurant for "the lady", running 'round to the other side of the taxi to open the door for me, standing up whenever I entered the room... now those would be a bridge too far. :pac:

neveah wrote: »

I think Destiny's Child were singing about how they don't need a man to buy them stuff, they can buy it for themselves and encouraging women to rely on themselves and they sang it as something to be proud of and I think it is! It was an anti-gold-digger song.

And yet... "If you like it than ya shoulda put a ring on it."

Stheno

Strangely enough in the context of this thread, research has shown that women who are financially independant are more likely to seek divorces!

So should that men should stray away from financially independant women?

princess-lala

Stheno wrote: »

So should that men should stray away from financially independant women?

Should women stray away from financially independent men?

elleburp

Um right, well I'll just carry on as I am then and maybe a forward thinking modern man who doesn't feel like he needs to "keep" me will come forward.

Interesting point about divorce. It's the only reason I have a career, so that if I ended up a single mom I'd be able to provide. Ironic that that never became an issue