Bored in relationship

LegacyUser

Hi all

I need some advice about my relationship. Bit of background: been with bf for 3 years. Up until recently, things were great, really wonderful, rarely fought, if we did, we'd make up soon after.

Lately, I've just been feeling completely apathetic towards our relationship. He's done nothing wrong at all but I just don't think I care about him in that way anymore. He doesn't irritate me and I really enjoy his company but in the way you would with a friend with whom your relationship was entirely platonic. If we broke up, I know he wouldn't talk to me and I'd hate not talking to him. I also know that he would be so hurt and I don't want to do that to him. I'm not losing anything by being with him but I'm not gaining anything either. It just seems to me that we're plodding along with no real excitement.

Am I just being a selfish btich? Should I stick around and hope that this is just a dull patch? Any advice would be so much appreciated.

Ickle Magoo

What would make it more exciting for you? Have you told him you feel things are going a bit stale? He may feel the same. Rather than throwing away what is otherwise a good relationship out of lack of excitement, why not have a chat to him about injecting more excitement into your relationship?

Wibbs

The really common, almost a scientific rule at this stage, 3 year itch(tm). Look around here and damn near everyday you see "we're together 3/4 years and Im not feeling it/we're arguing more/a real issue has come up(it hasnt usually, you just ignored it before). The honeymoon period has mostly run its course and now you're left with each other as people, as much as man/woman. Hence the sexual part is waning. And like you say he's done nothing wrong, you're just not feeling it. And you're also left with thinking on the real longterm. Seems to happen more in ones 20's than later.

I would try and step back and ask yourself what you want. What you feel you're really missing. Then think of him. It reads like you're doing this already and fair play. Then ask how could you change things on your side. Is there enough actual love and affection to sustain this changeover period into the true long term? Imagine being with him in 10 years time kinda thing.

redhed35

all relationships go through their quite times,where couples kinda just plod along,your there now,so what are you going to do about it?

talk to him and let him know how your feeling?

let it slide even more untill your both just sharing the same space with no real connection?

decide if the relationship has run its course,if your going to to that,be honest wiht him,let him go and find someone who wants the same things he does.

he may get quite a shock if he thinks every thing is just fine,or he may be feeling the same way.

the only way to find out is communication,talk talk talk.

LegacyUser

Seems to me OP that you don't know a good thing when you have it. I take it from your post that your BF is one of the good guys and this isn't enough for you. Is it how you want a bad boy and be treated like sh*t? I've had friends that were dumped for being "too nice" and it breaks my heart to see it because what do these girls go out and do? Hook up with the biggest pr*ck they can find. Please don't give up just yet and as the others said, talk to him, 3 years is a long time.

Good luck

metrovelvet

Boredom is fascinating. It has borne both destruction and great creativity in my life.

It's a state in which we are both without desire and also trying to find out.

It's easy to get bored by what you see everyday. The New York skyline is a good example of this. Newcomers to the city are awestruck by it, but natives are very meh about the whole thing.

I am terrified of boredom in relationship. I know it's the faultline of most and does inevitable tremors. Isn't it natural to always want to feel that you haven't discovered America yet? That the adventure and wonder will never end?

If you can conceptualise your relationship as a work in progress then maybe you can constantly recreate it before destroying it.

Perhaps consider doing something together that will uncover or create something new in each other.

Or perhaps one of the facts of life is desire is elsewhere.

Fox McCloud

Its nothing to do with the good guys and the bad guys, its all about the RIGHT guy.

It depends on how stale things have gone, and how so. how apathetic is he towards the relationship? Talk to him and ask him would he like more proper couple time like dates and stuff, or is he happy out the way things are.

Do you think you're well suited as a couple? It could just be a case of adjusting to a long term relationship, learning to make the special effort for each other with dates and also with appearances. Or it may be that the initial attraction/chemstry has warn off and you realise now theres not much else to the relationship.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies, really appreciate it.

The general feeling is that this needs to be talked through but how do I even start that conversation, "So, I think our relationship is on the rocks because I'm getting bored with us" doesn't seem like the best conversation in the world!

Everyone tells us we're really well suited and that we're a great couple etc. and he himself loves the idea of 'us'. I'd be heartbroken without him in my life and I do think to ten years down the line to things like what sort of husband/father/lover will he be then and I think probably fantastic, but not necessarily with me. I do love him very much, I'm just feeling very confused.

I'd rather die than hurt the guy so how do I approach the subject while being nice and without giving the impression that I want us to break up?

Thanks again for all the replies.

Ickle Magoo

Believe me, he'd rather have the "I'm getting bored with the same stuff, we need to make things more exciting" than you having the "lets just be friends" chat. Sit him down, maybe over a dinner and be honest - keep it about you and what you want so he doesn't hear any blame on him and just reassure him the issue isn't him, it's both of you getting too comfortable.

All the best

FreudianSlippers

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Believe me, he'd rather have the "I'm getting bored with the same stuff, we need to make things more exciting" than you having the "lets just be friends" chat. Sit him down, maybe over a dinner and be honest - keep it about you and what you want so he doesn't hear any blame on him and just reassure him the issue isn't him, it's both of you getting too comfortable.

All the best

I agree, but then again it almost sounds like OP has decided that this is definitely not going to work out long-term. It's better to end it now than drag it out - especially if you know that there is no future for you in it. Don't jump to conclusions, talk about how to get out of your rut and if it doesn't change then evaluate from there. At the very least it will not be as much of a shock to him.

That being said I'm with my girlfriend the same amount of time and occasionally it's true we go through a rocky patch and there is boredom - at the heart of our relationship we are friends and enjoy eachother''s company regardless.

LegacyUser

I am in the EXACT same situation! Only I have made my decision, and if I am going to be brutally honest I made my decision about a year ago but am only building up the courage to break up now!

I can honestly tell you , niggling doubts, they do no go away and do not stay for the safety of a relationship. I am raging at that poster who said that all girls who break up with nice guys are looking for a prick.
Just because he's a nice guy does not a relationship make! maybe because he's such a nice guy he deserves someone who will truly love him for who he is.

I love my soon to be ex, but as a friend and I truly want him to go out and find a lovely girl who will love him deeply- something i kept trying to do and something I kept wanting to happen! but it hasnt and its not fair on him or me!

Go now while you have no ties, please!

On another note, going to my impending break up, i know its going to happen and I have begun to distance myself from him , however he has just a few weeks left in a thesis - should I wait till he is done for fear that he would not be able to concentrate? or should I just do it now so that he has something else to focus on apart from break up?

we are currently in different counties so havent seen each other in weeks.

I would be so grateful for opinions!! x

Wibbs

movingon2010, I suspect some may tell you to do it now, but IMHO that's the selfish angle. If he is in the middle of something that important, I would wait. For his sake. He may take it very badly and could mess up his thesis. I know after a couple of breakups I found it very hard to concentrate on anything but the breakup for the first month. It's only a few weeks and you're not even in the same county so it won't hurt to wait.

Ickle Magoo

I agree with Wibbs, you've waited a year - another couple of weeks isn't going to kill you and it could help him get his thesis out the way before having to deal with a broken heart.

Joan Fontaine

OP, I was in a very similar situation myself until recently, although, I was with my boyfriend for much longer.

I had been having doubts for quite some time (6 months or so), however, we never talked about them. Never. He knew we were having issues as we had begun to see eachother so infrequently and when we did, we bickered all the time.

Eventually I had enough and I broke up. Two months on and I'm a mess. He really was a perfect guy in so many ways, yet we never communicated or talked about really serious things like our future etc.. I regret that now and I think it's over for good. We had broken up about 6 years ago and got back together (similar issues back then too). He had always said that if we broke up again that was it. And you know, when I was in the relationship I couldn't see the wood for the trees, only now that I no longer have him in my life do I appreciate what I had, yet there's no going back.

Anyway, my advice to you is to talk. Talk, talk, talk. Even if it means that after the talk you still decide to break up. A good relationship is worth fighting for. Believe me.

LegacyUser

I'm in a similar situation. I agree that couples must talk, talk, talk. We've had serious relationship discussions on a number of occasions - mostly me being unsure of commitment but always we find our way back. But then, for me, negative feelings eventually come back. Perhaps part of it is boredom, or more.

I'm having doubts, but like Joan Fontaine, I'm terrified of the same thing happening. In so many ways it's a good relationship but eventually, the feeling of something missing or being wrong creeps back for me. I think if I discuss this again, we're finished, and this terrifies me. Part of me think it would be the right thing to do. But I wonder if I'll only truly cop on after it's too late. But in the hear and now, I've too much sadness, anxiety and despair not to talk about it as my feelings are coming between us.