BF's Ex is back on the scene...

LegacyUser

I don’t know if I’m being overly paranoid or what some advice would be appreciated.

Some background might help. My current BF got together with a girl he had been friends with and grew up with about 5 years ago and they dated for just less than 12 months before he broke up with her. He wanted to stay friends as they had always been but she couldn’t accept that it was over and they ended up not talking for a while. In the mean time she met someone else and had a baby. Eventually they ended up speaking again as they are part of the same group of friends and it was impossible to avoid each other. Fast forward to a year and a half ago when I began dating my BF and she decided that it was too hard to be friends seeing him with me. So he said fair enough and that was the end of it, they haven’t spoken since.

My BF shares a house with some of his friends, one of which is the Ex’s best friend. I pretty much live there too unofficially and have done for over 12 months. The ex seemed to avoid the place for the first year but in the last month or so she has eased off and starting coming over for birthday parties/nights out etc. I made a conscious decision to be nice and civil to her and try not to make things awkward. So things were ok until this weekend. We had a night out and I wasn’t drinking at all so I was probably much more aware of what was going on around me. On a number of occasions I caught her giving puppy dog eyes to my BF or other times just blatantly gazing lovingly at him.

Now I trust my BF, and he seemed completely unaware of her but I don’t trust her. I don’t really feel like being nice to her anymore and I think it’s downright bitchy of her. I’m not always going to be there and I’m wondering what she’ll be like when I’m not there. I’m not the only one who has noticed. A friend of mine has said to me that she also noticed and I should keep any eye on her. She’s suddenly coming around every other week which is also odd.

I’m not majorly worried about my BF but I don wonder if you can ever 100% trust someone. They were friends for a long time and he probably does care about her on some level so who knows what might happen if I’m not around and there is drink taken.

I’ve discussed it a bit with my BF but I just don’t know if there is anything I can even do. Should I say it to her the next time it happens, I probably should have let her know that I noticed the other night.

Well that’s my story any input would be helpful

shebango

Hi OP. I appreciate that this situation is difficult.

But these situations can really really damage relationships. Look - it doesn't matter what this girl's agenda is. Remember that your boyfriend broke up with her. Remember that he chose you as his girlfriend. If he wanted to be with her, he would.

These situations can lead to you taking your distrust of her out on your boyfriend. And that's not really fair. He hasn't done anything wrong. I note from your post that he didn't make puppy dog eyes back at this girl.

You cannot control this situation, even though you're afraid of them hooking up. Believe me, if you start acting like the paranoid, controlling type, you will certainly drive your boyfriend away from you (not saying to her, but who knows).

So your best bet is, ignore her 'gameplan' or whatever is going on. Your boyfriend has given you no reason that I can see not to trust him. She would prob love the fact that you're threatened by this so don't give her that satisfaction.

Also - is it possible that because you're a little bit concerned about this, that you may be reading into these 'looks' too much? Just a thought.

As far as I know it's a far more common situation than you'd think.

Remember, he chose NOT to be with her. He chose to be with you. You have numerous advantages in this situation, one of the main ones being: she's acting desperate and clearly has some jealousy/clingy issues, yet you're his girlfriend, who should definitely stay cool, calm and collected. Don't rise to her. Don't show her that you're worried. I'd suggest that being careful not to sound accusatory or jealous, maybe just mention to your bf that she's acting weird/being inappropriate. Just say something to make HIM on guard for her. Open his eyes to the stuff she's doing. That way, you can act unconcerned by her, while he'll start noticing her flirting with him. You say you trust him, so probably after a while it will become tiring and he wont like it at all.

Don't worry. She's an ex for a reason.

LegacyUser

No to be honest I wasn't really concerned before this. I know my BF loves me very much and we're really happy together. I don't think he'd want to be with her over me but I've seen plenty of people slip up and it's something I could never forgive if he did.

I'm def not reading into the looks, a friend mentioned them to me (before I'd said anything about it) and she's also made comments when I wasn't around.

LegacyUser

true-or-false wrote: »

As far as I know it's a far more common situation than you'd think.

Remember, he chose NOT to be with her. He chose to be with you. You have numerous advantages in this situation, one of the main ones being: she's acting desperate and clearly has some jealousy/clingy issues, yet you're his girlfriend, who should definitely stay cool, calm and collected. Don't rise to her. Don't show her that you're worried. I'd suggest that being careful not to sound accusatory or jealous, maybe just mention to your bf that she's acting weird/being inappropriate. Just say something to make HIM on guard for her. Open his eyes to the stuff she's doing. That way, you can act unconcerned by her, while he'll start noticing her flirting with him. You say you trust him, so probably after a while it will become tiring and he wont like it at all.

Don't worry. She's an ex for a reason.

I don't think I've been accusatory but I did mention it to him and he just said I shouldn't worry about what she does as he has no interest in her whatsoever.
I just don't think I'm going to be able to continue being civil to her, she's being totally inappropriate and I just don't think I'll be able to sit around in her company and act like I'm ok with it.

SarahSassy

paranoidornot wrote: »

I pretty much live there too unofficially and have done for over 12 months.

Are his flatmates happy about that? I would royally P me off.

Do you think his flatmate wants him to get back with the girl and is maybe inviting her over more often.. At the end of the day, she can like who she wants and all is fair in love and war but if you trusted him you would not be posting here.

ilovetosing

paranoidornot wrote: »

I don't think I've been accusatory but I did mention it to him and he just said I shouldn't worry about what she does as he has no interest in her whatsoever.
I just don't think I'm going to be able to continue being civil to her, she's being totally inappropriate and I just don't think I'll be able to sit around in her company and act like I'm ok with it.

While I understand what you are saying about being civil you have to realise that the person who looks like an idiot here is her so you don't need to stop being totally civil because then you will come across nobish to people around to witness it.

You defo don't have a thing to worry about because most guys would be feeling sorry for her need to be desperate rather than acting on it!

LegacyUser

SarahSassy wrote: »

Are his flatmates happy about that? I would royally P me off.

Do you think his flatmate wants him to get back with the girl and is maybe inviting her over more often.. At the end of the day, she can like who she wants and all is fair in love and war but if you trusted him you would not be posting here.

Yeah, not that it's anything to do with the situation but they are fine with it. I've become good friends with his flatmates and it was actually her that introduced us in the first place. And no she doesn't want her best friend splitting up with the father of her child and has said on numerous occasions that she needs to cop on to herself and build a bridge.

She can like who she wants but she can't make a move on whoever she wants.

I trust my BF, he loves me and I love him. I'm posting here because I don't like the cheeky b***h who thinks it's ok to be fawning over MY boyfriend.

Chinafoot

paranoidornot wrote: »

My BF shares a house with some of his friends, one of which is the Ex’s best friend. I pretty much live there too unofficially and have done for over 12 months.

Here I'd have to echo SarahSassy's question re what the official housemates think of this arrangement? For example, if I were the best friend of the ex I would be incredibly pissed off that my best friend felt she couldn't come over because of her ex's girlfriend "unofficially" moving herself in and being there all the time.

paranoidornot wrote: »

Now I trust my BF, and he seemed completely unaware of her but I don’t trust her.

This line always makes me laugh. If you trust him whats the problem? Is she going to drug him and force him into some compromising position? She can't make him do anything he doesn't want to do so your trust in him should be enough here.

paranoidornot wrote: »

They were friends for a long time and he probably does care about her on some level so who knows what might happen if I’m not around and there is drink taken.

Well either you trust him or you don't, which is it? Drink is a pretty lame excuse there. And of course he cares about her. They're friends and have been for a long time and by the sounds of things there is no animosity between them.

paranoidornot wrote: »

I don't think I've been accusatory but I did mention it to him and he just said I shouldn't worry about what she does as he has no interest in her whatsoever.

Well there is your answer. He's aware of your feelings, he's told you how he feels and unless you want to try and remove this girl from her group of friends there isn't a whole lot you can do other than get over it.

paranoidornot wrote: »

I just don't think I'm going to be able to continue being civil to her, she's being totally inappropriate and I just don't think I'll be able to sit around in her company and act like I'm ok with it.

Well tbh, while both she and you are guests in your boyfriends house (unless you pay an equal amount of rent/bills/food etc, you're a guest) you should remain civil to her. Also, I'm failing to see what exactly she has done wrong. So you caught her giving your boyfriend "looks". She probably does still have feelings for him but she'll have to deal with that herself. She hasn't made any passes at him or tried to ruin your relationship has she? You trust your boyfriend and he's assured you nothing is going to happen. You need to accept that.

If it'll make you feel better to say something to her then go ahead. But be prepared for the backlash from her friends, particularly the ones your boyfriend lives with.

LegacyUser

Chinafoot wrote: »

Here I'd have to echo SarahSassy's question re what the official housemates think of this arrangement? For example, if I were the best friend of the ex I would be incredibly pissed off that my best friend felt she couldn't come over because of her ex's girlfriend "unofficially" moving herself in and being there all the time.

I am good friends with the housemate, I haven't unofficially moved myself in, she actually handed me a key and wouldn't hear of it when I said we should stay at my place more often. I regularly cook for all of them and am a bit of a clean freak so they are actually happy to have me around. The ex won't come over because she doesn't talk to my BF (she talks to me) and didn't want to see him happy with someone else.

Chinafoot wrote: »

This line always makes me laugh. If you trust him whats the problem? Is she going to drug him and force him into some compromising position? She can't make him do anything he doesn't want to do so your trust in him should be enough here.

The problem is I don't see why I should have to be nice to this girl anymore. I respected that she was upset by the situation, made an effort to make sure she felt like she could come over and also be comfortable socialising with the group when we are out but she hasn't respected the fact that we are in a relationship. Thats the problem.

Chinafoot wrote: »

Well either you trust him or you don't, which is it? Drink is a pretty lame excuse there. And of course he cares about her. They're friends and have been for a long time and by the sounds of things there is no animosity between them.

I do as I said before, it's not really the issue here TBH. Considering they haven';t spoken to each other in the past year and a half I would say there is a bit of animosity there actually.

Chinafoot wrote: »

Well there is your answer. He's aware of your feelings, he's told you how he feels and unless you want to try and remove this girl from her group of friends there isn't a whole lot you can do other than get over it.



Well tbh, while both she and you are guests in your boyfriends house (unless you pay an equal amount of rent/bills/food etc, you're a guest) you should remain civil to her. Also, I'm failing to see what exactly she has done wrong. So you caught her giving your boyfriend "looks". She probably does still have feelings for him but she'll have to deal with that herself. She hasn't made any passes at him or tried to ruin your relationship has she? You trust your boyfriend and he's assured you nothing is going to happen. You need to accept that.

If it'll make you feel better to say something to her then go ahead. But be prepared for the backlash from her friends, particularly the ones your boyfriend lives with.

The housemates are also my friends and were before I met my BF. I do accept that my BF isn't interested. We are very happy in our relationship. My problem is not with him. It is with the ex who I think is behaving inappropriately and I need to figure out how to let her know that I won't stand for it

Memnoch

Don't let her know that you "won't stand for it." There's no need to.

If she acts inappropriately then it's up to your boyfriend to draw the boundaries. So far she hasn't crossed any lines. If you continue down this path you are going to end up looking paranoid and controlling and it will only damage your (currently good) relationship with the BF.

So just be smug in the knowledge that you have him and she lost him, and that's punishment enough for her really.

If he "slips," or responds to her advances, then he wasn't the right guy for you anyway.

Chinafoot

paranoidornot wrote: »

I am good friends with the housemate, I haven't unofficially moved myself in, she actually handed me a key and wouldn't hear of it when I said we should stay at my place more often. I regularly cook for all of them and am a bit of a clean freak so they are actually happy to have me around. The ex won't come over because she doesn't talk to my BF (she talks to me) and didn't want to see him happy with someone else.

Sorry but if I lived there you cooking and cleaning wouldn't fly with me at all. But different strokes... If thats why she doesn't come over then that is absolutely fair enough, but the point still stands, she'd be seeing him happy with you because you "unofficially" live there. It must be awkward for her is all I'm saying.

paranoidornot wrote: »

The problem is I don't see why I should have to be nice to this girl anymore. I respected that she was upset by the situation, made an effort to make sure she felt like she could come over and also be comfortable socialising with the group when we are out but she hasn't respected the fact that we are in a relationship. Thats the problem.

You are basing this on a "look" or a "gaze" or whatever you want to call it. You are completely jumping the gun when she doesn't appear to have done anything. A look is not showing disrespect :rolleyes: She hasn't made a pass at him nor has she tried to damage the relationship you have. Until she does that being nasty to this girl over a look which could have been nothing is childish and will damage the circle of friends that both you and she are part of.

paranoidornot wrote: »

I do as I said before, it's not really the issue here TBH. Considering they haven';t spoken to each other in the past year and a half I would say there is a bit of animosity there actually.

You can not talk to someone because of unresolved feelings without there being animosity. Its called maintaining your sanity and knowing that its best for you to not be around this person while you still have feelings. That doesnt mean it needs to last forever and it would be a shame for a long friendship like that to be lost completely.

As for your trust for him not being an issue...of course it is. If you trust him there is nothing to worry about. As I already said, she can't force him into anything. Stop focusing on her and her "look" and get on with your relationship.

paranoidornot wrote: »

The housemates are also my friends and were before I met my BF. I do accept that my BF isn't interested. We are very happy in our relationship. My problem is not with him. It is with the ex who I think is behaving inappropriately and I need to figure out how to let her know that I won't stand for it

All this because of how she looked at him. Dear lord. Why don't you pee on his leg and be done with it. They haven't spoken in a year and a half and she's easing herself back in to socialising with him. Maybe she does still fancy the pants off him, maybe she's just confused by the whole thing. Maybe she wasn't even looking at him and you're putting your own paranoia on her. If you go down this road of letting her know you won't stand for her daring to look at your boyfriend then you will come out the worse for it.

LegacyUser

OP, I understand your situation completely, I've been living the same situation for about 9 months now and it's extremely irritating.

You won't get any help from anyone here as everyone seems to think it is perfectly acceptable to sit back and watch another woman displaying blatant signs of love towards YOUR other half. To me, it is completely unacceptable

Good luck, if you find a solution to this problem, do let me know!

But be careful confronting the woman, she could potentially use a situation like that to turn your bf against you and come out looking like the innocent victim.

Men are very often completely blind to scenarios like this.

SarahSassy

sinnotlady wrote: »

YOUR other half.

This is where you and the OP are very wrong - he / she is not 'YOUR' anything. They are their own person and you dont own them. OP you are trying to control your boyfriends and his ex's future actions and you cant do that. She is entitled to still love him and to want to be with him. so what has she done, other than look at him, to have caused this level of disruption...

Also, if the relationship is that strong, why are you unofficially and not officially living together?

SarahSassy

sinnotlady wrote: »

But be careful confronting the woman, she could potentially use a situation like that to turn your bf against you and come out looking like the innocent victim.

And rightly so as she has done nothing wrong and you would be acting like a nut job.....

LegacyUser

I'm not even going to bother responding to most of the comments.
Our relationship is perfectly strong and I don't feel the need to justify it to you with explanations.

China foot there is no question about my relationship with the others or our living arrangements, in fact I previously rented with the owner of this house which is how we know each other and her BF pretty much moved in with us too. No issue, we're pretty easy going and wouldn't be getting annoyed over such a non-issue.

My BF IS my OH. We don't control each other but we do share our lives and get to have a say in what goes on with each other. It's not much of a relationship if you don't have that.

Oh and BTW there is no longer ANY friendship between the ex and my BF. He got sick of her childish attitude long before I came along and while he tried to be civil for the sake of the group, he wasn't bothered when she decided she didn't want to see it.

Her looks have been noticed by others, she has made comments to others about my bf , who quite rightly thought I should know what she is up to, (things like how he won't be able to help but look at her in a particular low cut dress she was wearing etc). I am not imagining the looks and gazes and I don't she has any right to act like that with someone elses partner.

You people are cracked if you think that's appropriate and I can bet you feel the same if the show was on the other foot

The Recliner

OP if you try and post rude comments to other posters again I will be locking this thread, the same rules about being civil to one another apply to Unreg posters as well, as I cannot ban an Unreg poster I can lock the thread and not approve any further posts

I have edited your post before approving it

SarahSassy

paranoidornot wrote: »

You people are cracked if you think that's appropriate and I can bet you feel the same if the show was on the other foot

Gee thanks. Am glad now I took the ten minutes out of my day to type a response to you.

Bottom line, if it was all that serious, ye would not be 'pretty much' living together for so long and I think, under it all, you know that and thats why you are insecure about her.

Good luck to the 3 of ye...

pollypocket10

OP I have seen friends in similar situations and if you think too much about it you will get overly paranoid, if you haven't already.

I think you need to just relax, remember that your boyfriend is with you. He dumped her right? So even before you two met he knew he didn't want to be with her. If you are as happy as you say you are I don't think you need to worry. I would leave things be for now, if it escalates maybe then maybe decide if something needs to be said.

Maybe if this happens again you should try and catch her eye, subtly let her know that you are know.

LegacyUser

SarahSassy wrote: »

Gee thanks. Am glad now I took the ten minutes out of my day to type a response to you.

Bottom line, if it was all that serious, ye would not be 'pretty much' living together for so long and I think, under it all, you know that and thats why you are insecure about her.

Good luck to the 3 of ye...

I am not insecure. I think she's cheeky b*tch but I am not threatened by her. Me & BF are in the process of buying a house together so keep you're totally ridiculous and unfounded assumptions to yourself. You haven't a clue about our relationship or that with my friends and you weren't asked to comment on it.

LegacyUser

You can't control what people do outside of your relationship you have with your boyfriend. To a certain extent, you can 'control' some things your boyfriend does, and he can 'control' some things you do. This is because you're in a relationship, and you're also able to compromise with each other so it's not all about control.
It doesn't sound like your boyfriend is the cheating type. Forget about this other girl. Don't confront her, she would use it to make it look like you're a psycho

The Recliner

paranoidornot wrote: »

I am not insecure. I think she's cheeky b*tch but I am not threatened by her. Me & BF are in the process of buying a house together so keep you're totally ridiculous and unfounded assumptions to yourself. You haven't a clue about our relationship or that with my friends and you weren't asked to comment on it.

OP I am in a tolerant mood today so i am giving you another chance

You came here asking for advice, people gave advice with good intentions, if you don't like the advice being given because it is not what you want to hear then that is not our fault and don't throw a hissy fit

You don't have to agree with all the advice given but don't take that out on the posters here who were good enough to try and help you

If you post like that again I will lock the thread

missmelo

wow it gets heated in here, 1st time user, anyway ur dead right its YOUR relationship and you know whats going on, men can be blind to this kind of thing, but dont say anything just yet if she gets any worse have a quiet word with her tell her she is making you feel uncomfortable, of course you want to protect your relationship its natural, and girls can get pretty nasty i have seen it myself, dont mind all the negative heads their like that for a reason.
Why does it matter to anyone what your living arrangements are???

Fox McCloud

She may be after your boyfriend or might be just giving the looks to see if he still has any interest without any real motive on her part.. or she have been drunk and acting stupid, regretted it the next morn etc.

If its the first one, the last thing you want to do is be anything other than civil to her. IF she is looking to break you guys up then you coming across jealous or unfriendly is only goin to spur her on. If you are totaly comfortable with her presense in ye're lives then that says to her that you guys are in a secure loving relationship and she doesnt have a chance. And lets face it, she doesnt. He broke up with her, cut her out of his life when she looked for his attentions again, so theres no co-dependent attention thing going on there. Its all her, he doesnt want or need the ego boost so you have nothing to worry about.

If she started texting him inappropriate texts or said anything out of line then it would be time to her to back off, but it would be your boyfriends job to that not yours.

Ignore the comments about the practically living together thing, if its working for all of those in the house then its not a problem.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies everyone. I've decided to just bite my tongue for now. We had our offer on a house accepted yesterday evening so looks like we'll be outta there in a couple of weeks anyhow so then we'll only be bumping into her at the odd social occasion so it won’t be so bad.

Just one thing I'd like to add, even though this is probably going to be edited out. Mods used to be really good in this forum but it seems they now just like to look after there regular posters. 2 posters where way off topic and totally unhelpful and you allowed them to continue down the line they were taking. When someone posts looking for advice on a particulary topic, that is what they want. They aren't opening up other areas of their lives that have no baring on the problem to be judged or criticised by your posters.

The Recliner

Glad you feel the problem is sorted OP

paranoidornot wrote: »

Just one thing I'd like to add, even though this is probably going to be edited out.

We generally only edit out abuse or just don't approve post at all, we don't encourage discussion of Moderation on thread as it takes them off topic but seeing as you feel strongly about this I will reply

Mods used to be really good in this forum but it seems they now just like to look after there regular posters.

To the best of my knowledge there has been no change in the moderation policy of this forum recently

2 posters where way off topic and totally unhelpful and you allowed them to continue down the line they were taking.

I didn't feel they were and no-one else reported any posts from this thread (I understand that you cannot)

When someone posts looking for advice on a particulary topic, that is what they want. They aren't opening up other areas of their lives that have no baring on the problem to be judged or criticised by your posters.

Most problems aren't caused by anyone thing and generally people don't give the whole story in just one post, it is usually helpful to delve into other ares to see if it can be the root cause of the problem, in this case you didn't feel it was helpful and that is fair enough