Inappropriate/Hilarious Banter!

Brendog

Wasn't sure if I should post this here or the Wedding forum....because this thread is just for a laugh...

A guy I work with got married recently...

Hes known around the company as a bit of a messer and during the wedding when he and the bride were putting on the rings, she couldn't get his on...


after a while she laughed "It won't fit" to which he said..."Thats not what you said last night!"............the place erupted with laughter, even the preist was struggling to keep a straight face



Any on else been in a situation where you happen to say the worst possible thing in the worst possible place?

mathie

You're right it was either Inappropriate or Hilarious.

MagicMarker

Dirty whore.

StormWarrior

I was in a philosophy seminar once, and lots of random old people from the town had come along. The conversation turned to everyone sl*gging off bishops, and one elderly man yelled out excitedly, "Oh, I just love bashing the bishops!"

Brendog

haha forgot he did this aswell!!

During th reception when he made his speech he was thanking everyone for coming. He invited his mother up and Said how much he loved and so on..then gave her a bouquet of flowers and everyone clapped...

He then invited the mother in law up and gave her a bouquet of nettles...

she was mortified!!!

r3nu4l

A very elderly lady I once knew (dead now, RIP) was in a nursing home and there were a couple of Filipino nurses working there.

She was deaf as a coot so didn't realise how loud she was all the time. As one of the Filipino nurses was leaving the room, this lady says to me

'She's a lovely little n**ger, she looks after us very well. I have to say all the little n**ger nurses in here look after us great'

It was so embarrassing, I had to tell her that they weren't n**gers, they were Filipinos! :pac::pac::pac:

/On a more serious note, yes, it was embarrassing and myself and mrs r3nu4l then had to explain to her why that word wasn't 'correct' any more I don't think she understood.

dilallio

In July 1984, workers at Dunnes Stores on Henry Street went on strike following the suspension of a 21-year-old cashier, Mary Manning, for refusing to handle fruit from South Africa in opposition to the Apartheid regime. Selflessly, these workers remained on strike for two years and nine months.

One day at the beginning of the strike, a reporter from RTE was asking an elderly lady who was a customer of Dunnes, live on air, if she supported the strikers.

"Fair play to them" she said,
"I wouldn't touch any of that fruit either after it was touched by blacks"


Good on them though for sticking it out during a severe recession.

ScumLord

I was at a wedding where the best man's speech opened with the joke "what have the groom and a rolex got in common? They both come in a fancy box" The brides family where sort of posh.

Brendog

I was in Fibbers McGees a while ago and while I was waiting to get a drink the guy in front of me was on the phone, obviously on to his girlfriend. He said..

"I miss you too. Yeah I'll meet you at 4 and we'll go see Twilight....I can't wait"


When he got to the bar a middle aged guy sitting turned to him and asked if he was going to see Twilight. when he said "yeah" the middle aged guy patted him on the back and said "You'll need a bomb to get your balls outta that vice!!"....



:pac::pac::pac::pac:

brummytom

r3nu4l wrote: »

A very elderly lady I once knew (dead now, RIP) was in a nursing home and there were a couple of Filipino nurses working there.

She was deaf as a coot so didn't realise how loud she was all the time. As one of the Filipino nurses was leaving the room, this lady says to me

'She's a lovely little n**ger, she looks after us very well. I have to say all the little n**ger nurses in here look after us great'

It was so embarrassing, I had to tell her that they weren't n**gers, they were Filipinos! :pac::pac::pac:

/On a more serious note, yes, it was embarrassing and myself and mrs r3nu4l then had to explain to her why that word wasn't 'correct' any more I don't think she understood.

In the last few days on my nan's life, she was in hospital.


The nurse moves on from Nan's little cubicle thingy, Nan decides to roar "Jayzis, doesn't that nurse look like a fella?"

We hoped the nurse didn't hear, but on her way out of the ward, she told us in no uncertain terms "I'VE GOT TWINS!"

StormWarrior

brummytom wrote: »

In the last few days on my nan's life, she was in hospital.


The nurse moves on from Nan's little cubicle thingy, Nan decides to roar "Jayzis, doesn't that nurse look like a fella?"

We hoped the nurse didn't hear, but on her way out of the ward, she told us in no uncertain terms "I'VE GOT TWINS!"

My nan was in hospital a few months ago and when me and my mum were visiting her, embarrassed us by loudly complaining that there was a Jew in the bed opposite her, and saying, "Look at that nose! Definitely a Jew! Oh they're everywhere!" Followed by some stuff that is too rude to post here. Olds, what can you do with them?

Brendog

When my friend was really young her father walked out on her and her mam. It was really tough for her and shes had a grudge against men ever since. Anyway her mother was going to re-marry a new guy who she really liked.

She opened up to me telling me how her father leaving effected her and how she thinks she'll never get over it. She said she trusted me and that was why she was telling me this, because she sees me as a brotherly figure.
She then said she was nervous about going to the wedding because her father was coming.....

I blurted out "Thats what she said!!":rolleyes:

I haven't seen her since....

3hn2givr7mx1sc

Am I the only person that cringes when I read or hear the word "banter"?

Me and a few other lads were staying in a friends house and we were looking a film where a baby had died, and then one of the lads goes "Speaking of dead babies, did you her the one..." and he started racking of a few dead baby jokes, funny but bad taste. Then we hear a cough and turn around to see my friend's Ma.:D

starbelgrade

I was watching the news one evening in 1998 with some friends, when another mate came back from the pub. On the screen were pictures of a main street in Ireland, bodies lying on the street, people stumbling around, others carrying people who couldn't walk.

He looked at the telly, slightly gee-eyed & said, in all sincerity, "F*ck - I didn't know Feile was back on this year".

It took us a good five minutes to stop laughing & explain to him that the scenes on the news were TV crew recordings taken shortly after the Omagh bombings.

stovelid

Not really banter, more an embarrassing outburst: my mum had a close friend (when we lived in England) from the Carribean. As children, we alwats knew her as Mrs Brown. I was only a child and asked her was she called Mrs Brown because her face was brown.

starbelgrade

stovelid wrote: »

Not really banter, more an embarrassing outburst: my mum had a close friend (when we lived in England) from the Carribean. As children, we alwats knew her as Mrs Brown. I was only a child and asked her was she called Mrs Brown because her face was brown.

Was she browned off?

ElaElaElano

Years ago, I had mates from school over for tea. One of them, out of nowhere, goes 'jesus your ma's got fierce tits on her'. All well and good, but she was actually in the room at the time making a brew. An awkward silence ensues, until she pipes up with 'not as fierce as this cup of tea scaldin' yer bollix'.

Weird day all round.

stovelid

starbelgrade wrote: »

Was she browned off?

Racist.

Cormac2791

stovelid wrote: »

Not really banter, more an embarrassing outburst: my mum had a close friend (when we lived in England) from the Carribean. As children, we alwats knew her as Mrs Brown. I was only a child and asked her was she called Mrs Brown because her face was brown.

Bahaha !!!

Brendog

don't you just hate when its really quite, your in a room full of people and you fart......and fart.....and squeak......and fart.

and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh:D

Brendog

cormacharraghy wrote: »

Bahaha !!!

I concur

dr gonzo

ElaElaElano wrote: »

Years ago, I had mates from school over for tea. One of them, out of nowhere, goes 'jesus your ma's got fierce tits on her'. All well and good, but she was actually in the room at the time making a brew. An awkward silence ensues, until she pipes up with 'not as fierce as this cup of tea scaldin' yer bollix'.

Weird day all round.

What a fantastically Irish story.

Brendog

No matter what age you are I know you all try to resist the urge to put your feet up on the back of a trolly and glide it down an isle when your shopping....





Its ok....


Even the pope does it

Cuddlesworth

Brendog wrote: »

No matter what age you are I know you all try to resist the urge to put your feet up on the back of a trolly and glide it down an isle when your shopping....





Its ok....


Even the pope does it

They ruined it by taking out anywhere to stand on the back of them.

mp3kid

Brendog wrote: »

No matter what age you are I know you all try to resist the urge to put your feet up on the back of a trolly and glide it down an isle when your shopping....





Its ok....


Even the pope does it

Doing this, I once hit an old man reaching for a can on the dog food aisle.

Its ok though, I ran away before he could get up.

allanb49

In 4th year had a teacher who would be a little distant.

We where doing a report and computers at the time where still a fad, in the class we had to write up something and print it out,

The teacher had said ok i want you to do a type job on this for me.
One of the lads hand shot up instantly

"Sir, I dont have a printer is it ok if i give you a handjob"
"Yes, Chris thats fine"

I dont know how we contained the laughter

MitchKoobski

My mam gave my friend a lift home from school with us one day.
Friend: "Feck off you she was good lookin."
Me: "No she wasn't she looked like a sock. She was in some state."
Friend: "Your mother is some state!"
Me: :eek:
Friend: "Oh ****....."
Mam: "I'd rather be a state than look like a feckin sock."
Me: "Waaayyyyyyyyy"

allanb49

4th year again, jesus that was 9 years ago now.

Same guy as before we had philosophy class.

And it always seems to degenerate

But we where talking about life and whats up there and what not.

And then the innuendo started.

One lad started talking about sex. This derived into odd odd euphenisms for a 16 year old where quite original.

- Ah you know sir it's not the size of the wand but the magic that comes out
- But sir it's not the size of the hammer but the nail you do be hitting.

ButtersSuki

A friend of mine is currently training to be a Doctor in the US. His mentor is also Irish, but in his 60s and still talking like he never left the place.

Anyhow, they're treating a gay man in his 50s who's dying of AIDS and who also smoked 60 a day. Pretty much on his death bed they have to do a tracheostomy to enable him to breathe more easily.

What does the older Doctor say after inserting the pipe into the patient's neck?

"There'll be no more fags for you now boy!"

My friend nearly died laughing.

Sanjuro

Wasnt me, but a mate.

So my friend was getting a lift home with his girlfriend, and her mate. They were after seeing Harry Potter and had had a few cheeky joints before hand. The girlfriend's father was coming to pick them up from the cinema, and to pass the time, they were having a conversation about the stupidest names they could think of.

So the father pulls up and the three of them get into the car. It was my mate and his girlfriend's first time meeting this guy and he introduces himself as Gregory. So off they go. There's chat and what not, but the conversation dies down. So my mate attempts to resurrect the previous conversation. 'D'ya know what's a really stupid name?.... Gregory!' Silence in the car for the rest of the journey.

Brendog

ButtersSuki wrote: »

A friend of mine is currently training to be a Doctor in the US. His mentor is also Irish, but in his 60s and still talking like he never left the place.

Anyhow, they're treating a gay man in his 50s who's dying of AIDS and who also smoked 60 a day. Pretty much on his death bed they have to do a tracheostomy to enable him to breathe more easily.

What does the older Doctor say after inserting the pipe into the patient's neck?

"There'll be no more fags for you now boy!"

My friend nearly died laughing.

that is so bad!!...........................I love it hahaha