Too young to be engaged?

LegacyUser

I'm 18 and engaged. I could tell the big long story of how it happened but I don't need advice on any of that. I just want peoples opinions. Ultimately I feel that relationships are you generally looking for the same certain things in a person over and over until you're eventually old and mature enough to get married. and I don't just want to do things the typical way. And I'm sure I'll get a lot of responses such as not rushing into things while I've got my whole life ahead of me or some rubbish about traveling the world. But who says my life ends when I get married? Or that I can't still travel the world, regardless of the fact that I don't EVER intend to? I feel I'm doing the right thing. But do people think I'm crazy and just jumping into this due to... Ugh, hate the phrase and idea... Young love?

Cheers.

LegacyUser

Hi OP

I don't normally reply to threads in PI but i thought i'd give you my experience. I too got engaged at 18 (i'm 28 now) and subsequently got married a year later at 19.

I've always been quite a sensible person in life, had my head screwed on from an early age and was generally considered as being very mature for my age. I met a guy when i was 16. Fell in love and got engaged when i was 18 (he was 22). My family really liked my OH and although they were surprised at the engagement, they were pretty supportive (whilst continually asking was if i was sure i was ready).

What i found though was that it was irritating me when people kept referring to my age and how i was too young to get married etc. This came from people who would have been close to me e.g. friends, aunts, uncles, sisters etc but i kept saying the same thing "i know i may only be 18 but i'm mature for my age and i know what i want". I was convinced that i was emotionally mature enough to know what i want and wished people would stop telling me that i'm still growing up and to live life a bit first. I was totally in love and was determined to get married and was convinced it would last forever and ever and ever. So the wedding went ahead. It was a fab day out, lots of guests, fab location and i couldn't be happier.

I played happy families with my new husband very contently for a while but after about a year or two, things weren't going well. At the time i couldn't put my finger on it, but now i can say hand on heart that i was in no way emotionally mature enough to deal with any of the real life scenarios that married life throws up. Marriage is hard work. Full stop. With the stresses and strains of every day life, it can get difficult, especially when you don't have the life experiences behind you to draw on (that you would have if you were older and 'wiser'). When i was 18 i truely belived in my heart of hearts that this is what i wanted and that it would work, but unfortunately it didn't.

The hardest part for me, was about 3 years into the marriage and all had gone to pot. We both weren't happy. We'd settled down too young but were too stubborn to go our separate ways as we didn't want to prove all the unbelievers right, but unfortunately we eventually parted ways. Not that one person ever said it, but there were a lot of people who had the right to say 'i told you so' and i wished i had listened.

So now i'm 28. Waiting on my divorce to go through and am in a relationship with the best guy in the world, who i will probably marry one day. But its a shame i can't get too excited about eventually marrying this guy as i've been there, done that and marriage doesn't have the same meaning for me any more. I really feel now that in hindsight i should have listened to everyone at the time. I just urge you to think with your head as much as your heart. He may be the most amazing person in the world, you may be so compatable and you can probably imagine spending the rest of your life with him. But remember. You'll not be the same people in 5 years time as you're still maturing... and will you still be as compatable then. Think VERY carefully about this decision before you do anything. I wish i had.

I wish you the best with whatever you decide.

king_of_inismac

The question I'd be asking myself is why do I need to get engaged?

What's wrong with just being b/f & g/f at that age?

You can still be close, committed and have fun without labeling your relationship.

If you're still together at 25, then maybe consider getting engaged/married.

Just enjoy life and the fact you've found someone you love - everything else (in my opinion) is unnecessary complications.

LegacyUser

But if you ask yourself why you need to be engaged then you'll never get engaged. You never NEED to be engaged. It's a want. A luxury. And I feel I want it. But I hate the fact that I might only want it because I'm young and immature. I would generally consider myself a very mature person when it comes to things like this but you never really know until you're older and matured. You know what I mean? So should I still go for it if I want it?

HavingCrack

Out of interest are you financially capable of moving in together after you get married?? Are both or one of you working full-time??? Are the two of you living together at present??? How are you going to support yourselves if you both decide you want to go to college full time?The financial issue is one you really should look carefully at.

You might end up becoming quite isolated from friends if you get married, at least for a few years as some married couples really withdraw into themselves for a bit.

LegacyUser

Just to clear one thing up, as some one assumed me female. I'm actually male.

Anywho. We haven't really set a date yet. We dabbled with a few but none really worked. So we decided to leave that part for a the time being. It will most likely be a long engagement. But basically set as 'as soon as possible'.

We're planning everything in our minds. What we both want out of our lives. And it all seems to fit perfectly. We've known each other for over two years. The engagement has been going strong for almost 7 months, with only one hiccup, that ultimately worked out well, bringing us closer. We have a system that absolutely guarantees no lying. We're in love. We're that nauseatingly close couple. And it is just so comfortable and easy. And we just want people to take us seriously.

So my question here really is, do you?

Beruthiel

I met my ex husband at 16. Was married by 22. I too considered myself mature and knew exactly what I wanted. Knew exactly what my life would be like.
How wrong was I!
Thing is, the changes you go through between 18 and about 28 are huge.

At 28 you cannot even recognise the person you were at 18.
The chances of you still having anything in common with your partner are slim. It does happen at times, but imo, they are the lucky ones.
By the time I hit 30 it was all over.

My advice to you would be, be engaged if you want, but under no circumstances should you get married before at least the age of 25.
There is absolutely no rush here.
You can be with the one you care about without getting married.
These days, it makes no difference, especially as the civil partnership law has just passed.
If you rush and do everything now, what's there to look forward to?

btw
Why do you need others to take you seriously?

blondie7

Engaged wrote: »

But if you ask yourself why you need to be engaged then you'll never get engaged. You never NEED to be engaged. It's a want. A luxury. And I feel I want it. But I hate the fact that I might only want it because I'm young and immature. I would generally consider myself a very mature person when it comes to things like this but you never really know until you're older and matured. You know what I mean? So should I still go for it if I want it?

Marriage is something to be taken seriously, you shouldnt get married just for the sake of it, you say you want to be engaged, why? because you love your other half and want to share your life with them, grow old with them. Or is it simply because you want to seem mature to all your friends and want the novelty of getting married, all the attention and what comes with it?

LegacyUser

I think all of us fell completely madly in love at 18-23 and thought that this definitely was the person we were going to marry and grow old together. Personally speaking, I was there at 21, the gf was 20. We were convinced we'd get married and have babies, made pacts, spoke constantly about the future. A couple of years later when we were both working and living together, we started growing apart to the point were we were completely incompatible. What you have is no doubt love and it is very real. However, you should try and enjoy it for the here and the now. When you're both working, living together, and still feel this way in 4 or 5 years, then marriage may be the next step. There's a million things to do before you eventually settle down. I

LegacyUser

Beruthiel wrote: »

If you rush and do everything now, what's there to look forward to?

A life with the person I love. Marriage is very very far from everything there is to look forward to.

blondie7 wrote: »

is it simply because you want to seem mature to all your friends and want the novelty of getting married, all the attention and what comes with it?

No way! I'm not just some attention seeker! I'm in love!

Beruthiel

Engaged wrote: »

A life with the person I love. Marriage is very very far from everything there is to look forward to.

Again.
What's the rush?

LegacyUser

Beruthiel wrote: »

Again.
What's the rush?

Is it rushing if you both want it now? If you both feel you've reached that point? I don't see how it's rushing.

I just wanna say I appreciate the responses. I really did need to bounce the whole scenario off some other opinions. I guess I kind of wanted to judge by others experiences, how high or low the chance of success is...

I do wonder sometimes if I'm doing the right thing. And I always decide yes. But I wonder should I listen to those 20 seconds of doubts.

Beruthiel

Engaged wrote: »

Is it rushing if you both want it now?

The thing about being 18, is you will want everything now. I know I did.
With age, comes self control and the experience to wait.

From reading your comments so far on this thread, you desperately need to do this now.

All I'm saying is, you haven't given me one good reason for needing to do this now.

blondie7

Engaged wrote: »

Is it rushing if you both want it now? If you both feel you've reached that point? I don't see how it's rushing.

I just wanna say I appreciate the responses. I really did need to bounce the whole scenario off some other opinions. I guess I kind of wanted to judge by others experiences, how high or low the chance of success is...

I do wonder sometimes if I'm doing the right thing. And I always decide yes. But I wonder should I listen to those 20 seconds of doubts.

honestly if you need to post on boards and ask people are you doing the right thing, then really you dont feel it deep down is the right thing. Do you?? I dont think there is any harm in waiting a couple of years before getting engaged, its such a huge step to take. And so much hassle if the marriage fails. Its harder to walk away from a husband than it is a boyfriend

LegacyUser

blondie7 wrote: »

Its harder to walk away from a husband than it is a boyfriend

Just to clear this up again... I'm male!

Why do people seem to be of the opinion that you NEED reasons to be engaged. That's what I don't get. Why can't it just be an act of love?

sickofwaiting

Everyone thinks they know it all at 18. Then when they hit the late 20's and have had plenty of life experience they realise they really don't know it all even though they are 10 years older and have had many experiences. And they realise that they really hadn't a clue at all about life when they were only 18 and had spent their whole lives to that point in school and under their parents roof.

It is extremely foolish to get married when you are 18, but there is no telling some people who are out to prove something to themselves and people around them. It is highly likely that this whole thing is some kind of teenage rebellion and the OP probably won't even see that til he is 5-10 years older. The best advice I can give if you really are set on getting married is to at least wait another 3 years. The first two years of any relationships is like the honeymoon period, it's after that that you see if you can really stay together, especially as so much change happens between 18-23. If you are still happy with each other after 5 years then by all means get married.

sickofwaiting

Engaged wrote: »

Just to clear this up again... I'm male!

Why do people seem to be of the opinion that you NEED reasons to be engaged. That's what I don't get. Why can't it just be an act of love?

That's the whole problem. You don't get it because you are too young and naive to get it. You are acting like life is some kind of fairy tale. Save this thread and come back and look at it when you are 25 and you can be sure you'll have got it by then. I actually think the whole getting engaged thing was a bad idea as it is a bad idea to get married so young, for reasons already explained, yet you can't back out of the engagement now without offending the gf.

astra2000

Hi we got engaged at 18 husband was 19 got married at 21 still happily married 15 years later. we were both pretty mature only regret is we didnt do a bit of travelling before we got into the whole mortgage kids stuff but never mind will make up for it in our 40s!!!!! You say ye got engaged because ye wanted to not needed to so good for ye. My advice would be think of the future andplan for it finish yer education and give your selves lots of career choices it will make life easier in the long term. If ye are both like minded in what ye want from life re kids house where to live etc I think ye have a good chance of lasting. Dont rush into marriage or kids until ye are well ready.another person said that every one things they know it all at 18 that is true I did I also thought this in my 20s and now Im in my 30s I still think it but I look back and see that in my teens and 20s I didnt know it all and I prob dont now either!!! People get married at all different ages we recently had a break up n our circle of friends and they didnt get married until early 30s, so nobody knows enjoy your relationship plan your future and if something happens deal with it then its what everbody does. Stop worrying about what other people think or say dont you say its going to be a long engagement so relax!!

jessiejam

Stay engaged, don't marry just yet.

Do all the things couples do whether married or not and just enjoy each other. Travel, live together, go out, meet different people, just experience life in general. At 18 I had experienced nothing, even though I thought I knew it all!

If ye are still blissfully happy in 5 years time, then go for it.

Everyone here is telling you that no matter how mature you think you are right now, you will look back in 5 years time and think to yourself,
"I was only a baby"

Believe me.

Ickle Magoo

Engaged wrote: »

Just to clear this up again... I'm male!

Why do people seem to be of the opinion that you NEED reasons to be engaged. That's what I don't get. Why can't it just be an act of love?

I think there is absolutely nothing wrong with getting engaged at 18 - what I would really advise against is getting married any time soon. Why not live together for a few years and see how things go?

LegacyUser

Thanks astra! That's exactly how I feel about the situation and it's brilliant to know I'm not alone. Thanks to everybody for your responses. I know now that my personal reactions to each and every reply I got here, means I've not only made the right decision for me, but also am ready to face whatever outcome my plans with my partner bring. I know there is the chance that it could go wrong but that's sure as hell no reason to back down. Anyone's marriage/relationship can fail. That's the risk we take. And if it turns out to be a mistake... Well I guess it'll be just one more life lesson I'll have to teach my kids.

Cheers everybody. I've got all I can from this thread.

LegacyUser

hey i did the same thing, been with my wife for 9 years.


BUT my friend is thinking about asking his GF, and I’ll say the same thing i said to my good friend, it’s all good at the moment, yes you have a lot of life left BUT every couple should do at least 2 things before tying the knot.

1) You really need to live with one another for a year or two. Trust me the whole fun, playing, joking thing wears off real quick. At this point you know that you can support your self's financially and you can stand to be around each other. Will also give you a insight to what you’re going to become. And also realise the importance of being a team in every aspect!

2) Be engaged for a while, at this point you’ve committed yourself to the idea of becoming man and wife. At the end of the day you’ve already took that step to a 3-5K bill and a piece of paper. That isn’t going to change the way you two feel about each other.

At the end of it all and you two have made the necessary ground work, hit all your problems head on as a TEAM! And you come out the other side smiling then its time.

Be married and have fun!

---

Hunt me down if you want!!
Blackdrag

LC2010HIS

im 19 and i change my mind like the weather -
if u get married, you could change ur mind 2/3 years down the line. you could have different interests and dreams.

Getting married and spending the rest of your life with one person is scary for 30 year olds, never mind our age. I defo think you guys should spend a while apart - not break up, but get breathing space to think it through.

Once you decide, you accept the rewards and consequences.
If it were me, i would make it a very long engagement. But i guess, it comes down to personalities.

The question I have, like so many other people here is : Whats the rush? ....
Cause its a long life. I mean, why not wait until the two of you know who you are?

The Big Red Button

jessiejam wrote: »

Stay engaged, don't marry just yet.

Do all the things couples do whether married or not and just enjoy each other. Travel, live together, go out, meet different people, just experience life in general. At 18 I had experienced nothing, even though I thought I knew it all!

If ye are still blissfully happy in 5 years time, then go for it.

Everyone here is telling you that no matter how mature you think you are right now, you will look back in 5 years time and think to yourself,
"I was only a baby"

Believe me.

I couldn't agree more with this!

I am almost 25, and am with my fiance five years. We got engaged two years ago.

If I had it my way, I wouldn't have met him until I was in my thirties at least. However we love each other so much, and are so so happy together that I don't have any regrets about how it happened.

We have been living at opposite sides of the country for almost a year now, because I got offered a career opportunity that I couldn't refuse around the same time that he set up his own business back home. I love the fact that we can have such independence - that neither of us ended up holding the other back, as sadly I see happening so often.

While we go on holidays and mini-holidays and of course nights out together, we go separately with other friends just as often, which I think is great. We don't necessarily have all the same interests, and I'd hate to think of either of us missing out on experiences because of being engaged.

Our long-term plan is that I'll move back home around 3-4 years from now. Once I've got myself a job there, we'll live together for a few years. Then maybe, if we've got cash to spare, we will consider getting married. The great thing about getting engaged so young is that there is no rush to get married (not that there ever should be, but you know what I mean!)

OP, you're 18. Enjoy your life, and enjoy being engaged to a girl you love! Just don't feel the need to get married anytime soon ... there's no rush, you've so much ahead of you!

Virgil°

Engaged wrote: »

Thanks astra! That's exactly how I feel about the situation and it's brilliant to know I'm not alone. Thanks to everybody for your responses. I know now that my personal reactions to each and every reply I got here, means I've not only made the right decision for me, but also am ready to face whatever outcome my plans with my partner bring. I know there is the chance that it could go wrong but that's sure as hell no reason to back down. Anyone's marriage/relationship can fail. That's the risk we take. And if it turns out to be a mistake... Well I guess it'll be just one more life lesson I'll have to teach my kids.

Cheers everybody. I've got all I can from this thread.

Read this post again OP. You completely honed in on the one reply that agreed with your notion of getting married and ignored every other one telling you not to rush and take your time maybe try moving in together. Honestly that tells me a fair bit about you and i have to say i really hope this doesn't work out the way i suspect it will.
All the best.

astra2000

virgil I think you need to read my post again I did tell op not to rush into it too. I think op is just glad to know that there are people who have been in same situation as himself. He says it will be a long engagement any way. And for the record I would definetly say live together first we did!! getting engaged does not necessarily mean marriage will happen immediatly. Anyway I think in the ops last post he said he had got all he wanted from this thread and his mind is made up!

tbh

Engaged wrote: »

I'm 18 and engaged. I could tell the big long story of how it happened but I don't need advice on any of that. I just want peoples opinions. Ultimately I feel that relationships are you generally looking for the same certain things in a person over and over until you're eventually old and mature enough to get married. and I don't just want to do things the typical way. And I'm sure I'll get a lot of responses such as not rushing into things while I've got my whole life ahead of me or some rubbish about traveling the world. But who says my life ends when I get married? Or that I can't still travel the world, regardless of the fact that I don't EVER intend to? I feel I'm doing the right thing. But do people think I'm crazy and just jumping into this due to... Ugh, hate the phrase and idea... Young love?

Cheers.

no reason it won't work out. Bear this in mind tho.

Remember when you were 12? Remember your friends back then, and all the stuff you were into? You'll be as different from your 18 year old self at 24 as you are from your 12 year old self now.

Take the biggest thing you were into as a 12 year old - football, music whatever. Lets say your favourite band. Imagine you'd gotten a tattoo of your favourite band - a massive one - when you were 12.

Would you regret it now?

Blackdrag

damn it, brilliant way to put it across!

fair play!

u_c_thesecond

op i got engaged at 18- im 25 this year and we are still together and are planning our wedding for next year.

if you feel its right then dont listen to anyone else

Mimikyu

This post has been deleted.

StillWaters

I think you are on here asking this question for the same reason you got engaged - to validate your relationship.

Look, you surely know that statistically you are setting yourself up for failure. Sure there are people who got married <20, and celebrate their golden wedding anniversary, but in truth in this age, they are lucky to celebrate their tin anniversary.

My advice, like so many others on here, is to have a committed relationship, live, explore, evolve together, but don't bind yourself in a legal knot just yet.