Friends with benefits

chirogirl

what are mens views on having a 'friend with benefits'?? I seem to have fallen into the trap of being one. The guy involved is 8 years younger than me, but doesn't want the whole relationship deal.

Thanks for you time.

Snowie

If you want something that he wont give go else where......

Howard the Duck

Any i've had have never ended very well. If you think it's a trap then free yourself.

quad_red

As the duckman says, the fact that you refer to it as a 'trap' says everything.

If the guy doesn't want to be in a relationship then either deal with it or move on.

LilMsss

I think it can work but only for a limited period of time. And both parties need to be explicit as to the terms of the agreement.

In most cases though, it's inevitable that at least one person will end up getting hurt.

Faith

I think they're great, if you're both aware of what it is and happy with that. I'd love a friend with benefits at the moment! But if you feel like it's a "trap" and you want more from him, then you need to remove yourself from the situation because you're only going to get hurt. I'm single and have absolutely no interest in a relationship now, but I still want regular sex. I'd rather have it with the same person than a series of randomers. But I'd have to be damn sure that I wasn't going to get attached to the person.

You could try talking to him, but in this instance I doubt it'll pan out how you want it to.

chirogirl

Thanks for the above comments. Well, i suppose it is a bonus to be able to have regular sex
I'm only to blame for blocking myself from meeting someone who wants a relationship etc.

Faith

The nice thing about friends with benefits is that you're not tied to that person at all. You can still head out to try and find a guy for a proper relationship, while enjoying the benefit of regular sex with your friend.

/scrolls through phonebook to find potential FWBs! :eek: :pac:

Wibbs

chirogirl wrote: »

Thanks for the above comments. Well, i suppose it is a bonus to be able to have regular sex
I'm only to blame for blocking myself from meeting someone who wants a relationship etc.

Yep its a good bet, so long as you dont attach. If you do its the opposite side but same coin of friendzone for men. I describe it as bonkzone. Both are looking for more but its unlikely to happen. Though women in bonkzone have a better chance of converting it into something more. Though I wouldnt place my faith in it.

CDfm

FWB's - punk rockers used to call it squelching -sex without commitment & looked down on it as a hippy 1960's thing.

There is the other side of it too. For one person it might be sex and they may be embarresed to be seen with or otherwise have a public relationship with the other person.

It is fine if you are the one getting what you want out of it.

Wibbs

CDfm wrote: »

It is fine if you are the one getting what you want out of it.

CDfm nails it down in a nutshell.

fred funk }{

what?

Otis Driftwood

kevalz,Ive deleted both your posts because frankly they were illegible,by all means contribute to the forum but text speak is a no no across boards.
Thanks,Ned.

CDfm

Wibbs wrote: »

CDfm nails it down in a nutshell.

Thanks.

Really, sex is good fun and healthy, but releationships are too and if you are not getting what you need -then all you are doing is what the Americans call "putting out".

So the real question is are you getting what you need and whats healthy for you.

And its hard not to "attach" if you look forward to seeing someone and they turn you on.

I hope this helps.

sam34

fwb/fb set-ups require a lot of honesty

both paople have to say straight-up that all they are after is regular no-strings-attached sex.. but they have to actually mean that

i've seen friends of mine enter into fb situations when they secretly really like the other person and are hoping the sex will lead to these feelings being reciprocated - disaster stations

similarly, one shouldnt string someone along with promises/suggestions of something more developing if thats not what you want

lastly, if you unexpectedly find yourself becoming attached to your FB, own up to it and get yourself out of that situation ASAP, for your own sake.

chirogirl

Thanks again for your views.

I think its time to get out of it and move on. Yes, being a fwb is fun and has its advantages but there's no mileage in it for me. I'm 36 and feel I've come to the end of the road with this arrangement.

stringy

LilMsss wrote: »

I think it can work but only for a limited period of time. And both parties need to be explicit as to the terms of the agreement.

In most cases though, it's inevitable that at least one person will end up getting hurt.

agreed, never works out. should only be for a short period of time. Inevitable one party will develop stronger feelings

Khannie

Faith wrote: »

But I'd have to be damn sure that I wasn't going to get attached to the person.

Why? One of the best relationships I ever had started out as friends with benefits.

CDfm

Khannie wrote: »

Why? One of the best relationships I ever had started out as friends with benefits.

Great if the two of you are on the same wavelenght.

But if you are not and one person wants more or the other wants elsewhere isn't it not like break up sex.

Here the OP wants more and, IMHO, is right to put herself first.

I read something recently about a woman who met mr right and had a fantastic time with him and she asked him why the break when they were so perfect. It turned out he was reading her completed questionaires in her magazine.

You have to be on the same wavelenght for it to wotk.

sam34

stringy wrote: »

agreed, never works out. should only be for a short period of time. Inevitable one party will develop stronger feelings

bit of a generalisation there

sometimes it works out very well indeed

its not inevitable that one party will develop feelings... there are some men and some women out there who can keep sex and emotions completely separate

LilMsss

sam34 wrote: »

bit of a generalisation there

sometimes it works out very well indeed

its not inevitable that one party will develop feelings... there are some men and some women out there who can keep sex and emotions completely separate

Perhaps there are, but more often than not one person will like, or care about the other person more. I have been asked to have a FWBs arrangement with someone, but it was someone I wasn't attracted to and definitely wouldn't have wanted to date (so I obviously said no!). And if there was any attraction on my part, I would more than likely have wanted to date them, whether casually or not.

That might just be me, but I can't see a situation where I'd want to have no-strings-attached sex with someone I was attracted to and not want more. Now that doesn't mean I want a longterm relationship with every man I'm attracted to either but the fact that there is an attraction at all, whether through looks or personality means that I couldn't ever be comfortable with an arrangement like that.

sam34

LilMsss wrote: »

That might just be me, but I can't see a situation where I'd want to have no-strings-attached sex with someone I was attracted to and not want more.

fair enough for you, but for some people that set-up may be the answer to their prayers... maybe someone who is out of a long-term relationship and not ready to throw themselves back into the world of love & relationships, but who still wants sex, or someone who for any number of reasons simply doesnt want a relationship yet still wants sex. i know when i was in that kind of situation, a FB set-up suited me down to the ground. it was an arrangement that lasted nearly a year, with neither of us developing feelings for the other.

for the record, i think there's an important distinction between FBs and FWBs, but people tend to use them interchangeably.

FWBs= exixting friends that you start to have sex with. because you are already friends with them to begin with, and thus see them socially a lot etc, there is a good chance of developing feelings for them if you sleep with them over a long period.

FBs = fcuk buddies - people who are not pre-existing friends (but maybe acquaintences), people that maybe you meet in clubs/whatever, and end up in a NSA arrangement. you dont see them outside of this, there are no long phonecalls, no sexy texting, no dates. you make contact to arrange meeting up for sex and thats it. mush less chance of developing feelings here, imo.

ShagNastii

sam34 wrote: »

for the record, i think there's an important distinction between FBs and FWBs, but people tend to use them interchangeably.

FWBs= exixting friends that you start to have sex with. because you are already friends with them to begin with, and thus see them socially a lot etc, there is a good chance of developing feelings for them if you sleep with them over a long period.

FBs = fcuk buddies - people who are not pre-existing friends (but maybe acquaintences), people that maybe you meet in clubs/whatever, and end up in a NSA arrangement. you dont see them outside of this, there are no long phonecalls, no sexy texting, no dates. you make contact to arrange meeting up for sex and thats it. mush less chance of developing feelings here, imo.

This is totally correct. I've only had a FWBs scenario. The whole FB thing seems too cold and rebotic for my liking.

My friends with benefits jobby was perfect at the time. It was with a girl I was extremely friendly with all thoughtout college. When we first met(bout four years ago) each other the chemistry was massive. We really should have got with each other straight away but for whatever reasons we never became a pair. We were just go mates and used to drink in the same social circles. She had boyfriends (they all hated me) and I had girlfriends (who all hated her) our relationship was almost far too close for everyones comfort.

It was only last year when she broke up with her longterm boyfriend and ironically a few weeks later I broke up with my girlfriend. We pretty much were at the very same stage i.e heartbroken and sad, cried on each others shoulders yadda yadda yadda. Both of us still obiviously fancied the a*se off each other but we hadn't the slightest desire to enter a relationship.

We hung out together and were the best of friends. In a night where the two of us went out nine times out of ten we ended up together. Was totally chummy. We had a huge respect for each other so it never really felt wrong. We were never exclusive but always had a laugh with each other. We hit the nail on the head when we saw the whole "having sex for the sake of sex" thing become clear. Developed a lovely friendship out of it, and although we never became BF and GF. We are now the best of friends (meeting her this week for an auld catch up) and although we get on like a house on fire we both know we missed the chance of being an item a while back.

To put it very crudely, the situation I was A1. It was like sh*gging my best mate. Was perfect timing for both of us to become FWBs and was unfortunately the wrong time for a relationship.

LilMsss

sam34 wrote: »

fair enough for you, but for some people that set-up may be the answer to their prayers... maybe someone who is out of a long-term relationship and not ready to throw themselves back into the world of love & relationships, but who still wants sex, or someone who for any number of reasons simply doesnt want a relationship yet still wants sex. i know when i was in that kind of situation, a FB set-up suited me down to the ground. it was an arrangement that lasted nearly a year, with neither of us developing feelings for the other.

for the record, i think there's an important distinction between FBs and FWBs, but people tend to use them interchangeably.

FWBs= exixting friends that you start to have sex with. because you are already friends with them to begin with, and thus see them socially a lot etc, there is a good chance of developing feelings for them if you sleep with them over a long period.

FBs = fcuk buddies - people who are not pre-existing friends (but maybe acquaintences), people that maybe you meet in clubs/whatever, and end up in a NSA arrangement. you dont see them outside of this, there are no long phonecalls, no sexy texting, no dates. you make contact to arrange meeting up for sex and thats it. mush less chance of developing feelings here, imo.

That's a good point. The offer I was referring to was prob more a FB one than FWBs.

interestedman

I would like to mention a few important details. I am a guy. When I was in first/second and third year in college (it ended before fourth year) I was in a similar situation with a girl that was 2 years ahead of me in college. I say it is similar to your story but maybe I am seeing similarities that you will not, I apologize if that is the case.

I would have liked for us to be something more. When I realised it was not going to happen I still hoped for something to happen. All she really wanted was someone to talk to. Men, and the pursuit of finding a man, was the single biggest concern for her. This meant that men set the agenda for her life. By always having me on the sidelines, constantly texting and phoning one another, even when she would be involved in courting other guys she was interested in, she could reclaim some control over her life agenda.

However, I was not simply texting her because she needed a friend. I always wanted more and she knew this. She took advantage of this by having an imitation relationship with me. I say imitation relationship as we said all the things committed couples said to each other and im convinced in some ways she lived out a relationship with me, via a mobile phone.

I pursued a physical relationship with her, which we talked about for a long time before each encounter. I had to pursue her sometimes, but when she needed the physical connection with someone who told her he loved her, she was far more willing to a "meet up" as we always called it. And when I told her I loved her I meant it. Unfortunalty for me, she did not.

So I was her friend with benefits for the always amazing sex, and she was my friend for the continuing emotional security I provided in between our very irregular encounters. I now believe she agreed to "meeting up" on the first few occasions because she didn't want to lose our telephone friendship and the emotional connection it bestowed.

To the most cynical of readers, I was in it for the sex, while she was in it for the emotional fantasy of being in a committed relationship.

And there were benefits. She was comforted during many lonely nights. I had the most amazing nights and weekends of my life, even to date.

But now, having just finished college, I realise i missed out on a greater adventure. If hes not into you, plenty of other guys will be.

I wish you all the best.

krudler

Been there, it was great for a few months, we lived in different counties and knew from the beginning exactly what it was, we even went out on the pull together a few times, it was handy knowing if nothing happened then we had each other to fall back on lol and if one pulled but the other didnt there was no jealousy. It ended eventually as we both wound up in other relationships, no hard feelings, we both got what we wanted and still chat occassionally, she's engaged with a baby now and I couldnt be happier for her.

Can work if you both getting what you want, but first sign of complication and it's time to make an exit