Moving in problems

LegacyUser

I know its normal to have issues when you move in but does everyone get through it? I've recently moved in with my BF of over a year but it is much harder than I thought. We've had little spats about almost everything...dishwasher tablets, cleaning, leaving lights on, closing windows. I am afraid I'll turn into a nag or he'll drive me crazy. Please tell me others get past this, he's the one for me but I don't have the energy for this.

Penny Dreadful

It always takes time to learn how to actually live with someone. You'll get through this.

R.D. aka MR.D

You'll get through it!

What helped my OH and I was sitting down and having a frank conversation about what we bout expected/wanted the other person to do.

Having been around a good deal in our respective rooms/flats etc we already had an idea what kind of things we would likely to disagree over! But you guys are already moved in so i guess you have solid points to chat about!

But seriously just sit down and discuss things.

What i find is good is treating him a little like a traditional roommate. For example I would NEVER say to a roommate - 'oh my god would you ever close the window' I would ask in a polite way 'oh would you mind if i closed the window'
It sounds silly but it's so easy to be rude to the people we love simply because of familiarity!!

Trier

Similar problem to the OP here except we moved in together (yesterday), partly as a move to "salvage" our relationship which has been going a bit downhill after 12 fantastic months...in 2 months (1 after he moved in a new city to be with me). Now the carefree times are over!...

So i will sit down and ask him to stop criticizing me at some point, and that if he has nothing supportive, positive or at least said in an uncynical but pedagogic way to say, he should shut up... I give him respect, love, support, a shoulder and ears to confide in, no judgement, fun suggestions of how to see things and of things to do etc... I except at least a bit of the same. It's really hard not to let myself slide and say stuff back at him or be bitter. I just hate this.

I've discovered him to be quite highly strung, a bit Agora phobic and the "misanthropic type" since we started living together.

He's also extremely judgemental towards me (and many people he may not even know...) and each time he stings, it's a little trust from me to him out the window. He also have little chuckles to himself (that i used to find funny) about when he's "right" and i am "wrong", or when he does something i couldn't do the way he expect it done etc...very stupid little things in the house, practical things with no importance to me normally. I'm practical but not at all to that point, just enough to live well without thinking to much about it really.

But now he's trying to make me dive into his world of constent practicality and down-to-earthness which i hate and don't really care about to be honest. That's not what matters to me but he makes it looks as if i was a bum or a stupid 'wishy-washy type' that he seems to dispise if i don't reconsider my priorities to become a super practical person... I will be super practical in anything where he is involved from close or far : it's my duty as someone sharing his house and life etc...But for the rest, expecially stuff only related to me : Not happening.

I'll accumulate skills if needed and get better at it, but other matters will ALWAYS take priority for me. And i feel sad for him to be so closed-minded getting little victories over "finding where this was", "how to open this", "how to cook this in a way that suits his taste = is good" etc...while laughing at me for not doing it that way (but in a way that functions perfectly as well IMHO and yay for both of us!!!, working as a team...aren't we?...).

Yay he's a domestic God or so he thinks...well done to him (and i mean that genuinely, ok let's say 15% of irony in it...i hate being ironic but i can't help it). Meanwhile, he's being a prick with the way he sees the world around him and i will have none of that. Positive or stfu. I hate narrow-mindedness and whinging. Life's too short for this crap.

I'm actually uncomfortable with him now. I just don't feel good around him. He's not supportive, he's not seeing any of this as team work or if so really hides it well and is even belittling in his behaviour/words. I'll get my ass in gear, be a big pup and deal with this, paying attention to all the little details (including some tips mentioned here), being very clear and as consistent as possible in my behaviour and see if he's ready to question his way of doing things too and compromise...

BUT, and i feel it's linked to this : what about going out and entertaining your friendships etc...?

I don't want to be trapped. He's from a small village, and whatever he does (in terms of behaviour etc...meaning he was even worse than now before regarding anger management etc...but they've always put up with him because he's also very loyal and hard-working, reliable, respectful (in his way : acts, not words, and even then that's taking the "anger crisis" away from the equation...), if he goes miles away, etc etc...), he'll always have a strong group of childhood friends there for him no matter what + his travelling friends etc...so he can afford to be judgmental, grumpy and trying to stay away from people here....

But i'm a gregarious person, extremely positive about other people and life in general and one of the main reasons i'm back in my home city for a bit is to rebuild old friendships into strong ones, make good memories of home now that i've come back a way merrier and a more self-confident person before leaving again and also : befriend people, multiply experiences, take it all in...because i really have unfinished business here with this home city of mine and the people here that i'm growing to love more and more after fleeing it for so long...And time is flying.

I have no real best friends yet. Have some friends linked to each of my passions with whom i have a blast sharing them in several one-off precious moments, plus one living far away, with whom i can share all, and cousins too with whom i'm super close but not one best friend with whom we're really on the same wavelenght for everything, and to whom i could give all my love and trust to without fear. I always have too many oddities with several of my friends for them to really understand me and for me to really understand them fully and feel, "yeah, i could spend days after days with this girl/guy and never get tired of it, miss her/him when (s)he's not there and feel i've found my "match", the one i can share all with. I know some people find it stupid to be openly looking for a best friend, but i'm 23, i used to be borderline autistic shy and i'm doing it now. Too bad if it's not "normal" (i don't claim to be) etc...

Is it completely uncompatible with building the foundations of this relationship?... I fear making me move in with him is also (even subconsciously) a way for my bf to try and keep me at home, away from my friends and friends-to-be, limit my purchasing power so that some projects i wanted to do i now have to have a side job to be able to pay them (or ditch them altogether) etc...and to feel like he can 'control me' more. We need to talk about it too, he doesn't like my friends i think nor the idea of me trying to befriend more people.

But he doesn't like big conversations...oh well. Some stuff will have to be unsaid for now. I'll be able to work on a short, bullet-points-type of speech for this at least...lol

Sorry to have hijacked the thread lol

Anyway, i think if you really believe he is 'the one', OP, you guys just need a bit of adjustment. It's the same with starting to live with anybody, not just your bf, but maybe tougher because we don't expect it to be as much work and really care about the other's feelings a lot.

Ickle Magoo

marsha brady says hi wrote: »

I know its normal to have issues when you move in but does everyone get through it? I've recently moved in with my BF of over a year but it is much harder than I thought. We've had little spats about almost everything...dishwasher tablets, cleaning, leaving lights on, closing windows. I am afraid I'll turn into a nag or he'll drive me crazy. Please tell me others get past this, he's the one for me but I don't have the energy for this.

Depends what the spats are about. Best way of dealing with any differences in expectations is to sit down and thrash out an agreement. Make a chores list and designate chores until you are both happy. Set out your expectations and ask he does the same and then work out a middle ground in advance so it doesn't get to the stage that you are either holding in resentment or sniping at each other. Keep it light-hearted and make it about you rather than blaming the other party.

It's hard work having two independent people used to doing things their own way come together and it's stressful trying not to comment or cause conflict over every little thing not done the way you are used to but eventually you work out a kind of default procedure for most things and you both get used to the new way of doing things - but that will still need tweaking for the life of your relationship!

Best of luck.

Contessa Raven

Hi OP,

I moved abroad for a year of college last year with my boyfriend (we studied the same thing.) We moved into shared accommodation with each other (plus 2 other people.)

It was a nightmare!

He drove me up the wall. He used to clean his room religiously every day but never lift a finger anywhere else around the house. The other two housemates were filthy pigs. (I know people have different levels of cleanliness but I genuinely mean they didn't ever sweep the floor, clean the bathroom or clean the cooker after using it or clean up the crumbs after scraping the burnt bits off toast.) The house was a state.

Me and my OH constantly fought over the housework. It really put a strain on us for about 4 or 5 months. It was awful. I had to nag him to do things. I'd have to ask him about 4 times to do something because he'd forget within 5 minutes of me asking.

However, after the first few months we got over it. I stopped nagging so much and he began to take it a bit more seriously. I also had a word with the housemates about cleaning up. It took a bit of pressure off everyone. I still had to nag a little bit when he forgot and we still had the odd spat but it does get better.

There's a saying: "If you really want to know me, come and live with me." I thought I knew my OH inside out but after living with him I've learned a couple of things I wouldn't have known otherwise. Everyone has bad habits but until you live with them, you probably won't see them.

I think every couple has a tough time adjusting when they first start co-habiting but you just have to push through it and keep the lines of communication open. Talk things through instead of having a row over it.

CR