rebuilding friendships when you're depressed

LegacyUser

Am going unreg, but I have posted before about my depression. This part of the process is new to me so I need a bit of advice. Basically I'm under the care of a psychiatrist who I see once a month, and a councellor who I see every two weeks, or every week depending on how good/bad things are. I'm also on meds, the psychiatrist changed them a few months ago as I was having really bad side effects so now I'm on valdoxin, and it's much better, no side effects at all thanks god.

my problem is that I'm having a relapse of sorts. The new meds did take a while to kick in but I'm on them 4 months now so I don't think it's that that's causing it. I think it's just that a few weeks ago I woke up one morning and had a revelation. I have lost all my friends apart from one, and as a result I've just been slipping back into my deep dark tunnel. When I have a bout of depression I withdraw into myself and when it happened this time I had a serious chat with myself and promised myself that I would give myself the time and effort it needed to get myself better. I suppose I've spent the last 8 months in a haze and tbh not being around hippy happy people has done me the world of good. I held onto one friend through the whole time, as even though she's a really good friend we don't have a very DEEP friendship if that makes sense. We were a lot closer when we lived in the same county. A text or skype chat every 6 weeks or so, and she has no idea of the extent of my illness. But I'm proud of myself that I was at least able to hold onto her, and I will always love her for that.

One friend in this time period asked me to do something for her, and even though I love her dearly I just couldn't do it. I just felt I wasn't strong enough yet, and even though I tried to explain, she just cut me off tbh. Never even gave me the chance to explain my reasons fully, about the meds and psych or anything, just cut me off and hasn't contacted me in the last 6 months. Like she's punishing me for being such an awful person. She's the type of person who cannot really empathise, iyknwim. She barks advice without really listening to the issue, and anyone with depression will know that one thing you don't say to a depressed person is ''oh for the love of god will you just be happy''. I know I let her down and I know she's probably disappointed in me but I just couldn't do it. I wasn't strong enough. I was barely able to dress myself or shower or whatever. But not once in the intervening months has she even bothered to text me and say ''how are you?'', or come to visit. I feel like the worst person in the world.

Now, I feel like I want to get back in contact but I'm scared. What do I tell people? I don't want to have to explain that I've been off in my bed for the last 8 months having a breakdown and couldn't leave the house but to go to doctors as I burst into tears in the car, ya know? This girl was having a party tonight and because I've not slept or stopped crying for ooh about 9 days now I didn't go. I was invited, but I couldn't go. She'd not have given me the chance to explain why probably. But then she never texted or called to see if I was coming. Maybe she knew deep down I'd chicken out and what do you know she was right. I'm such an awful awful useless person.

Anyone else out there with depression with some advice on how to rebuild friendships? Sorry this has been such a mishmash of a ranting post, I'm kind of in stream of consciousness mode here...

metrovelvet

From the outside, to people who never have been depressed, it can look like self indulgent narcissicism and total selfishness and self involvement. Its nearly impossible to empathise with it unless you have gone through it.

I dont know what to tell you really. Maybe write her a little note to try to explain?

The thing about depression is that you are so low and place such low value on yourself and on life you end up being selfish because you think you have nothing to offer and so you offer nothing.

And then you can induce yourown loneliness and isolation, compounding the depression, and the cycle continues and deepens.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the reply.

I suppose I can see how my being in the depths of a depressive episode could be misconstrued as selfishness but the thing is she doesn't know that, as she hasn't contacted me in months. She has no idea, because she's never asked. I could have been in a car accident, I could have moved to a different country, I could have died even!! That's not meant to sound flippant btw.

The note sounds like a good idea. Although I'm not very good at expressing things in words, and I wouldn't have a clue how to word it.

Has anyone else out there been in the same position? How have you managed to get back in contact with people as you try to ''reboot'' yourselves?

munstergirl

Hi op, glad your feeling better.

I have good friend used to go out socializing together, have good laugh. All of a sudden they were not answering my texts, phone calls, she just disappeared off the planet.

I was so hurt, kept thinking what have i done wrong? I was so disappointed in her.

I never knew she suffered from depression i just thought she was rude, or didn't like me.

Now i realised its not her fault its an illness.

She too is feeling better and we are back as friends.

She never told me she suffers depression, just sometimes she gets sick and can't handle people, i actually figured it out myself all the signs were there. I just had no experience with depression.

Reach out to your friend maybe ask her for coffee or call around or as someone else says write a note.

munstergirl

Oh for the love of god can't you just be happy, sorry but that made me laugh.

People who have no experience with depression don't know what to say.

I was always telling my friend to cheer up or smile or it could be worse.

I don't anymore but i really did not have a clue.

LegacyUser

Thanks for your reply munstergirl.

I can see how if you're left with no explanation you could be forgiven for thinking she was just cutting you out as a friend iykwim. I suppose I can also empathise with your friend as I know just how crippling it can be to be in the depths of it and just not be able to speak. I've gone days without being able to think, never mind speak. The thought of having to be around other people would make me feel sick, especially if I know they're not the most empathetic and can be judgemental. It's very easy for people to see a broken leg and ask you how you are but it's very hard to explain that what's broken is actually the inside of your head.

You're obviously a very good friend if you could pick up on the signals that she was depressed and was able to see past her illness. She's lucky to have you!

munstergirl

Hi op

I hope you make contact with your friend.

Hopefully they will be there for you, just start with you were sick and needed some space, it wasn't anything to do with her and not to take it personally.

Drop her a text or ask her for coffee. No need for huge detail until you feel comfortable.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Hi OP
I too suffer with depression and have had some serious bouts over the years. About 10 years everything went belly up. I broke up with my first real boyfriend, all my problems came to a head and I had to move home and see a behavioural therapist. I had no proper friends in my home town having lived away for years. As part of my therapy my therapist asked me to reconnect with old friends and I rekindled an old friendship from years back.
The trouble was my friends Dad was suffering from Alzheimers and I was suffering from a whole host of problems - depression, anxiety, eating disorder. The friendship didn't work out. She brought me away to meet her friends and she ended up being very distant and shouted at me in the pub. To her I must have looked like a selfish navel gazer whereas she was going through a tough time with her Dad. Of course I was going through a really tough time and I did listen to her and support her but probably not enough.
Anyway I'm probably rambling. The last time I went to counselling, my counsellor was the only person I told my problems to. I did tell other people in the past but it really seperates the men from the boys. There seems to be a fight or flight syndrome with friends. Some just coulnt handle it.
So basically I just told my counsellor the last time I had a serious bout of depression and it meant I didn't have to talk about it with friends. Use the time with your friends to take your mind off things and do positive things. Keep away from negativity, do things that make you happy, take up a sport. Apart from the meds this is what I was told. Also friends no matter how good they are don't want to listen to someone that's down all the time. And this is another reason why I don't talk too much about it.

Sorry OP my post is rambling. My suggestion is to meet up with your friends and talk about things other than depression. Start rebuilding your life. Being depressed takes so much energy out of you. Bring some positivity back into your life.

Novella

Tbph, I wouldn't bother contacting her at all. You didn't do anything wrong here, so don't blame yourself. I've suffered, well, do suffer, from depression myself so I know what you're talking about. I guess I've lost a lot of friends due to the illness too. I suppose it's really hard for someone who has never been depressed to appreciate and understand it.

You were going through a really tough time. Imo, a true friend would have noted that, wouldn't have needed to have been told and would have been there for you. This didn't happen. Why should you turn around now and have to explain yourself, why should you be the bad guy in this situation?

If you feel you want to contact this person, then by all means, do it, but don't feel that you have let anyone down. I know that I tend to shoulder the blame in every situation, regardless of where the fault really lies, thinking - "Oh, X wouldn't have happened if only I'd done Y", or "I'm such a horrible person" etc.

You're not an awful person, and it's important that you remember that.

LegacyUser

Bubblesbobbles wrote: »

My suggestion is to meet up with your friends and talk about things other than depression. Start rebuilding your life. Being depressed takes so much energy out of you. Bring some positivity back into your life.

Thanks for the reply, bubblesbobbles. I think you may have misunderstood a little though. I haven't spoken to my friends at all about my depression, simply because I can't. I've played the happy card around everyone for years and that wore me down. This past bout of depression hit me so hard that I felt I needed to give myself the time and put in the effort to get myself better. This one particular friend hasn't given me any chance to explain. She never used to be the kind of person who didn't listen but over the past few years I'm beginning to see this part of her personality more and more. It seems like if I can't live the life she thinks I should be living, then why should she bother with me, if that makes sense. It's like she didn't care how I was feeling. If she did surely she would have asked? A quick call or text to say ''How are you?''.

I'm ready to try and make contact with people again, my reason for posting this thread was to get tips from other people on how to. It may seem a ridiculous thing to ask advice for, but when you've been in the depths of a depressive episode you kind of loose the ability to talk about it to other people. You have feelings of shame, embarrassment, you get tongue tied, because the ability to be ''happy'' and ''upbeat'' has been unavailable to you for so long. At least that's how it is for me.

Novella wrote: »

Tbph, I wouldn't bother contacting her at all. You didn't do anything wrong here, so don't blame yourself. I've suffered, well, do suffer, from depression myself so I know what you're talking about. I guess I've lost a lot of friends due to the illness too. I suppose it's really hard for someone who has never been depressed to appreciate and understand it.

You were going through a really tough time. Imo, a true friend would have noted that, wouldn't have needed to have been told and would have been there for you. This didn't happen. Why should you turn around now and have to explain yourself, why should you be the bad guy in this situation?

If you feel you want to contact this person, then by all means, do it, but don't feel that you have let anyone down. I know that I tend to shoulder the blame in every situation, regardless of where the fault really lies, thinking - "Oh, X wouldn't have happened if only I'd done Y", or "I'm such a horrible person" etc.

You're not an awful person, and it's important that you remember that.

You're right in everything you say novella. Your words are what has been swirling round my head for weeks now. I haven't done anything wrong. I'm not the bad person in this and that's something I forget sometimes. I just think if I had the tools to EXPLAIN why I couldn't do that thing for her maybe she would understand that the problem was my illness, not her. Then we could rebuild the friendship. But then I keep coming back to the fact that if she really was a true friend she would have guessed that I wasn't myself, that I was having a really hard time.

I'm confused.

metrovelvet

Novella-

I dont entirely agree. You can't expect people to be mind readers. They may sense something is wrong but dont want to probe or appear nosy so leave you alone to respect your space.

I think you have to do the reaching and say 'i regret not keeping in touch but things have hit bottom for me and i've been really down....would love to see you'