Very sad yound guy.

LegacyUser

Hi!
I am a new poster here. THis is why I am posting here. I haven't been happy for about 5 years and I bottled up my feelings and I just decided to act happy and I know now that I'm not happy. Tonight I was in Tesco's and I just started crying. I havn't cried for about 8 years. I am at home now sitting in my room all by myself and I am just crying and I just can't stop. I supose I do hve problem's I know. I uset have one best friend. He was my only friend really and he meant everything to me. He killed himself last August. I still remember that night s clear as it was yesterday. I was woken up my phone rining nd it was his nother saying what happened. I then checked my missed clls and noticed I had 6 off his at about 4 am when I was asleep. I alwys wonderd if I anserd them calls would he still be here?.. I feel it's all my fault.
I went into 6th yer them and I had nobody and the year was a disaster. I prob did crap leaving and I won't ammount to anything. I just didn't have the enegy to study.
The other problem in my life is I'm gay! I don't want to have this burdon lifted from me.
I am almost 19 now and I just wish I wasn't here.
Any advice????????

sporina

do you have anyone you can talk to?

LegacyUser

No! My parents are quite old. They wouldn't unerstand the gay thing and they wouldn't under-stand about the guy that killed himself. The catholic church rules there lives.

LegacyUser

Hey there OP,

Chin up! I remember feeling really down myself throughout 6th year. I had a lot going on at the time and I couldn't focus on the exams. Thought I had done awfully but in the end i did ok and got the course I wanted! So you never know..The leaving cert comes at a really awful time developmentally, when a lot of us are going through a turbulent stage, answering the big questions and trying to figure out who we are. When you throw a big high pressure exam in on top of this it can be very difficult. Just remember that even if you did absolutely awful in your leaving cert which I know you didnt (I dont know anyone who ever did as bad as they thought! then even then theres still lots of options, you could repeat or you could work, you could travel, you could do anything you wanted!

What happened with your best friend...man that is some serious stuff i'm not going to lie. I don't know if you ever talked to anyone about it at the time but I would REALLY encourage you to go a counselor or therapist and talk about it. I know you might not think you need that or you might feel just me suggesting is as if Its too big a problem to deal with. But a good counsellor could help you with something like that no end. I can only imagine what the feelings of guilt etc must be like but you need to somehow work your way through it all and realise it was not your fault. A professional can help you to do that.

OP If theres one thing i can say to you, is to hold on to hope, at your age tunnel vision is really common, where you see no way ahead or way of changing things. But you would be amazed how much things can change and do change. You say you wont amount to anything but i promise you thats not true.

cats.life

colleens wrote: »

Hi!
I am a new poster here. THis is why I am posting here. I haven't been happy for about 5 years and I bottled up my feelings and I just decided to act happy and I know now that I'm not happy. Tonight I was in Tesco's and I just started crying. I havn't cried for about 8 years. I am at home now sitting in my room all by myself and I am just crying and I just can't stop. I supose I do hve problem's I know. I uset have one best friend. He was my only friend really and he meant everything to me. He killed himself last August. I still remember that night s clear as it was yesterday. I was woken up my phone rining nd it was his nother saying what happened. I then checked my missed clls and noticed I had 6 off his at about 4 am when I was asleep. I alwys wonderd if I anserd them calls would he still be here?.. I feel it's all my fault.
I went into 6th yer them and I had nobody and the year was a disaster. I prob did crap leaving and I won't ammount to anything. I just didn't have the enegy to study.
The other problem in my life is I'm gay! I don't want to have this burdon lifted from me.
I am almost 19 now and I just wish I wasn't here.
Any advice????????

hey collens. you are greaven for your pal ok, thats natural,. its not your fault that he killed himself colleen. the thing about suicides is when they do it they are in a very dark place not thinking of anyone ,but it leaves you ,the person thats left behind wondering why the hell did he do it,,tha answer to that you will never no. you must see a councillor cos you have alot to work through,.i no of pals or near friends who done it, every one says the same WE WILL NEVER EVER FIND OUT WHY THEY DONE IT.a husband and wife went out for a birthday meal, had a good time, had a few drinks , went home in great form , she took out the sunday roast from freezer, huaband went up to bed . she stayd up to write his birthday card, he woke early morning wondering where she was, he went in to the shed next to the house there she was , she never left a note, she didnt seem depressed , she was only 34 , 3yrs married,, is your family suportive?

MissFlitworth

You may have done absolutely fine at your leaving, but if not some of my highest earning, jetsettingiest friends repeated their leaving certs. No shame to it at all, loads of people do it.

Contact these guys as well

http://www.belongto.org/

support group for (and made up of) young gay people in Ireland. They really are great

tenchi-fan

hi
im sorry but i dont think you could have helped your friend. chances are you friend may have dragged you down with him, but unless you had a phd in psychology your friend probably already made his decision.
as for being gay.. eh what can i say. yep it's a burden but what isn;t.
just try and enjoy your life as it is and dont worry about things u can't change

LegacyUser

I know that he killed himself and I know that it wasn't me that did it but I feel that if I ans my phone that night that he might still be here. The thing is I made him happy before when he was feeling down. I also find it easy to help people with there problems but when it comes to my own I just bottle it all up. Thanks for the dvice anyway!

cats.life

colleens wrote: »

I know that he killed himself and I know that it wasn't me that did it but I feel that if I ans my phone that night that he might still be here. The thing is I made him happy before when he was feeling down. I also find it easy to help people with there problems but when it comes to my own I just bottle it all up. Thanks for the dvice anyway!

dont you think its your time to get help?? you deserve it. you help other people cos you are **** scared of what is going to happen to you ,, listen ,you have to deal with your pal foning you before he killed himself, guilt is like a sickness it eats you up until you cant see the light at the end of the tunnel. it happend when you were in tesco , it got to you all in one go. what will you be doing on monday colleens?

tenchi-fan

Most people you right at 4 in the morning will either have their phone switched off, on silent, or simply not hear it.. Try describing what happened without using the word "if" and you'll see it wasn't your fault!

About your own problems, it's too bad you don't have anyone to talk to. A lot of people just aren't good friends,.. they'd say "aw stop complaining" or "sure you'll just have to get over it." It would be no harm for you to go out of your way and find someone trustworthy you can chat with.