how do you deal with a bum without been harsh

boarduser1980

she isnt a friend, she is just a girl i know from my last job, and i happened to buy a house in her area, i cant get rid of her, she is like a leech. she is constantly wanting to call over to me, she bums cigarrettes off me, if i say ive none she asks my husband, she wants to know everything from how much i paid for this to where i bought that. Everything i have she wants. She wouldnt tell you anything about her (not that i ever ask), but wants to know everyone elses business. i felt sorry for her at the start thinking 'ah god, she's just lonely', but she does have other friends, so why hang out of me. She isnt a bad person, i just think she has no cop on and is dizzy. I changed my phone number at the weekend cos of her, she called to the house at 9pm last nite, and we didnt open the door, i felt terrible but she just does my head in, 100 questions, and she is one of these that stares at ya and makes ya feel uncomfortable. I know if i say anything to her i'll just explode and i dont want to fall out with her, i just want to take 10 steps back and be diplomatic. I have snapped at her once before about bumming smokes, but all she said was 'im sorry'. and id feel sorry for her. but even though she acts dizzy, im sure she is dead cute to what she's doing. She is always asking me for favours. to do her cv or type up letters, or something. she wouldnt do anything for you though (not that i ask) i just feel she is a user. but how do i approach this situation without hurting her or falling out. ??? Please help its doing my head in, i basically just dont want her in my home anymore, she is too nosey and annoying.

Denerick

You have no duty to be a charity case. You don't want to be friends with this woman. The best you can do is just tell her that if she refuses to get the subtle messages.

Ickle Magoo

So tell her you don't want her to call around and you don't want to be friends. You don't owe her anything, she's annoying you to the point you are avoiding answering the door, I'm not sure not falling out is an option. It's an awkward conversation but you'll feel much better in the long run.

Dravokivich

I'd agree with the guy above. You've described her as no more then an aquintance from a previous job who just happens to live in an area you moved into.

You need to let her know that.

boarduser1980

Thanks Guys......

i've entertained her for nearly a year now, so its hard to suddenly just say stop calling over without her asking whats wrong.

one of my good friends is coincidently a neighbour of hers and would see her daily. she is on my FB page, and she is on some of my friends fb pages too, she added them (stalker), and has even tried to spark up friendships with some of my friends, asking for phone numbers or if they wanna 'pop over to her for tea'. but ive put them wide, and they think she is strange too.

username123

When she calls in, open the door ask her did she want something specific as you are busy and havent time to socialise right now.

Remove her from your friends list in facebook. If asked why, shrug and tell her there must be a problem with facebook or that you havent used it in a while.

Tell her no outright over the cigarettes. Be clear and firm, she bums them too often and you cant afford to support her habit. End of.

Zen65

Dambant wrote: »

Please help its doing my head in, i basically just dont want her in my home anymore, she is too nosey and annoying.

I see two easy options:

(1) Agree with your husband to both give up smoking. The next time you see this girl tell her that you've both given up smoking and that you may be a bit short-tempered as result. Let her know she is not welcome to smoke in your house, or in your company.

This may persuade her to drop you from her "friend" circle because you are no longer useful to her. Even if that fails, it may help you both to stop smoking so there's a win right there.

Then there's the other option....

(2) Accuse her of trying to have an affair with your husband. Do your best drama queen acting and make it clear that you don't trust her and don't want her in your house. Make sure your husband knows you're going to do this, or it may backfire something awful!!


Good luck, and be at peace.


Z

tenchi-fan

I knew a girl like that. I knew her from a previous job but she left. She behaved oddly towards me.. I just felt, for someone who knew me only superficially she treated me far too familiarly ... argh.. I tried to analyse it. In the end I deleted her phone number and avoided her. It worked out pretty well.

boarduser1980

username123 wrote: »

When she calls in, open the door ask her did she want something specific as you are busy and havent time to socialise right now..

thats what i'll do, say ah we're just on our way out the door and if she asks whats up im just gonna say ive been mad busy lately, if she still doesnt get the hint after that then im gonna have to be out straight with her

Lolnouska

Zen65 wrote: »

I see two easy options:

(1) Agree with your husband to both give up smoking. The next time you see this girl tell her that you've both given up smoking and that you may be a bit short-tempered as result. Let her know she is not welcome to smoke in your house, or in your company.

This may persuade her to drop you from her "friend" circle because you are no longer useful to her. Even if that fails, it may help you both to stop smoking so there's a win right there.

Then there's the other option....

(2) Accuse her of trying to have an affair with your husband. Do your best drama queen acting and make it clear that you don't trust her and don't want her in your house. Make sure your husband knows you're going to do this, or it may backfire something awful!!


Good luck, and be at peace.


Z

That is ridiculous advice! why on earth should the OP make some big elaborate story that involves her husband to get rid of the annoying bumming' woman?

OP, one of the things i've only recently learnt, is how to say no. And to set your boundaries. Tell her she isn't welcome to come over and treat you like crap (ie: writing her cvs, giving her your cigarettes) without any thanks in return. either way, you don't want her coming over anymore.
And it's not you that should feel bad about standing your ground.

good luck.

VinnyTGM

Lolnouska wrote: »

That is ridiculous advice! why on earth should the OP make some big elaborate story that involves her husband to get rid of the annoying bumming' woman?

OP, one of the things i've only recently learnt, is how to say no. And to set your boundaries. Tell her she isn't welcome to come over and treat you like crap (ie: writing her cvs, giving her your cigarettes) without any thanks in return. either way, you don't want her coming over anymore.
And it's not you that should feel bad about standing your ground.

good luck.

I agree with the above.

Why do you care if you hurt her feelings, you said you barely know her. Youu can be straight with her and just tell her to go away, or play dumb, tell her nothing, refuse to give her ciggies and she'll get the message eventually.

If it was me I'd tell her where to go.

Sound Bite

How do you deal with a bum without being harsh?

In this case, looks like you've tried the nice approach already - now its time to just be harsh.

good luck

mood

Just keep avoiding her. Pretend you don't have smokes or are giving up. If she calls over say I would invite you in only we are expecting visitors, just going out, spending some alone time together (as you hardly saw each other all wk).

If a few wks of excuses doesn't work you will have to be more blunt.

jurgenscarl

You have backed down so many times that I'm afraid there is no nice diplomatic way of sorting this.
It's too late for that.
You have to give it to her with both barrels.
Tell her some home truths, tell her to get lost and shut door literally on her forever more.
Don't worry.
She'll live.
She will:
a. Find someone else to leech out of.
or
b. Cop herself on.
But that's not your problem.
You owe her nothing.

boarduser1980

thanks for all your suggestions. The one about 'why should i care about hurting her feelings' - thats my whole problem - im too f**ing nice and i get walked on, i do feel sorry for ppl, thats why im in this position, im gonna have to toughen myself up.

anyways the latest is....she has been phoning and texting and i havent been replying, i blocked her on FB, and got my friends (whom she added) to block her too which they did. My friend that is a neighbour of hers texted me on sunday to 'put me wide' saying 'xxxx called over to me earlier asking me if she has the right number for you and said she is gonna call over to your house tonight and asked me to go with her'. i checked my phone and got a text saying 'hi hun,i havent been able to get in contact with you all week, everything ok?,i was gonna pop over to you later'. So i txt back to the point 'Im grand,busy tonight' and she replied 'when are you free for me to pop over' , i havent replied (this was on sunday) and i havent heard from her since, so maybe she has got the message. But she is such a dizzy dora that im still expecting a knock on the door...lol i think i have to just be ready for her if she does and tell her outstraight that im sick of her......as they say 'cruel to be kind'

boarduser1980

tenchi-fan wrote: »

I knew a girl like that. I knew her from a previous job but she left. She behaved oddly towards me.. I just felt, for someone who knew me only superficially she treated me far too familiarly ... argh.. I tried to analyse it. In the end I deleted her phone number and avoided her. It worked out pretty well.

must be the same girl...pmsl, sounds exactly like her!!:D

boarduser1980

Dambant wrote: »

So i txt back to the point 'Im grand,busy tonight' and she replied 'when are you free for me to pop over' , i havent replied (this was on sunday) and i havent heard from her since, so maybe she has got the message. But she is such a dizzy dora that im still expecting a knock on the door...lol

i got home from work yesterday checked my old number and got a txt 'can i pop over later, or you pop over to me, i havent seen u in ages when are u free'. I txt back 'Im not free'. she replied 'is everything okay,did i do something on you'. So i sent back a big essay of a reply telling her im sick of her the etc etc basically said everything in a text' and guess what she replied...:eek: ''okay that's fair enough, talk to you soon''.
well 1. im rid of her for a while, she's got the message although i had to spell it out to her 2. what type of a reply was that 'fair enough talk soon'...Ehhh hellllo....:rolleyes:

Ickle Magoo

Maybe she thinks you are just having a bad day?

Text is a really cowardly way of telling someone you don't want to be friends, it's no wonder she might assume it's not a serious conversation if she can't tell it's you she's speaking to and can't read the seriousness of your tone.

boarduser1980

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Maybe she thinks you are just having a bad day?

Text is a really cowardly way of telling someone you don't want to be friends, it's no wonder she might assume it's not a serious conversation if she can't tell it's you she's speaking to and can't read the seriousness of your tone.

I know its cowardly, but i've been avoiding her all week and last week so when i got the txt yesterday asking me 'did i do something on you' thats why i thought 'right heres my chance' and i replied back with why i've been ignoring her. i wouldnt say she thinks im having a bad day - cos i havent seen her in nearly 2 wks , whereas she used to live in my ear till i start avoiding her.

Taltos

I know she is bugging the crap out of you - but wondering if she is just one of those people who just don't have a clue - either how to properly interact or how to build friendships.

Not trying to guilt you here - clearly this is not a friendship you want to pursue - but maybe a face to face might be called for. Just explain that you are just two different people with nothing in common and you need to focus on your family right now.

Best of luck with this chat - but as per Ickle maybe stay away from more text replies.

boarduser1980

Taltos wrote: »

I know she is bugging the crap out of you - but wondering if she is just one of those people who just don't have a clue - either how to properly interact or how to build friendships.

Not trying to guilt you here - clearly this is not a friendship you want to pursue - but maybe a face to face might be called for. Just explain that you are just two different people with nothing in common and you need to focus on your family right now.

Best of luck with this chat - but as per Ickle maybe stay away from more text replies.

this is true i dont want a friendship here, so staying away from more text replies is the best thing for me to do so she is eventually get the hint. she is a very dizzy girl though so if she does come calling to my door again ill tell her out straight. i do need to get a backbone , thanks for all the advise.

oil painting

Hi OP,

I think it is good that you have finally dealt with this but maybe a bit insensitively, you dont owe her anything but you have probably mislead her a bit too long, and now it has ended in the all or nothing way,

I just feel that just because you are nice doesnt mean you are without responsibility because you could have handled it all a bit better, do you ever wonder why she is more pushy with you than others and that is because you need to find a way to communicate your feelings better, there is nothing wrong with expressing yourself to people when they are being overbearing, the first thing you need to do is resign it to yourself that you are not going to accept the situation no matter what, like say to yourself its not happening and i dont know how its going to sort itself out but it is and then let it be......

if you have been working all day and want to relax in the evening with your BF you are entitled to that without having anyone call round and disturb your peace, if you change this in yourself and honour yourself then you will not have trouble with overbearing people again,

If you do see her again try have perspective over the situation and stay calm aand say that all you wanted was your space and you found her very invasive you can say that and not feel bad....

I had to go through this myself and its all part of growing up and dealing with confrontation and this is one of those times where you learn from a bad relationship and do better next time!..... All the best x