My life has gone wrong

LegacyUser

I'm 26 and really unhappy at the moment.

I have a degree in a subject I've grown to hate, I'm so bored in my job and I dread having to come into work every day. I feel completely frustrated and out of my depth but I know I would be foolish to quit a job during a recession. The only other jobs I'm qualified for are in the same field, but I've still never figured out what I'd really like to do with my life.

I've also been in a long term relationship for almost 5 years now, living together for 4, and I'm honestly not sure how I feel about my OH anymore. I like him and care about him but it's hard to figure out if I truly love him when I feel I missed out on being young and single, often wish I had been with other people before settling down with him and honestly feel a bit stifled as we see each other every single day. I feel like I made so many stupid decisions when I was young and didn't know what I was giving up. At the same time I hate the thought of hurting him by even mentioning that something might be wrong.

I know I need to make some serious changes to my life but I don't know where or how to start. I have big confidence issues and at the moment it feels easier to keep things as they are rather than go through the pain of actually dealing with it.

WellyJ

You aren't living OP, you are merely surviving.

Only you know if you still want to be with your other OH but as for the job, search for something else while staying in that job for now, you don't have to just quit.

If I was in your position right now I would save and get the hell out of Ireland for a while, experience the world.

pog it

Any chance you can just spend the weekend by yourself and get brainstorming on the jobs/career front? Work out what job you would love to do, and then set in motion a plan to get there. Further study, etc.

26 is still young to get it right. Don't put if off.

desolate sun

26 is still very young. When I was 25 I split up with a guy after 5 years and also moved to another country, partly to help get over him and partly because I was stuck in a rut. So never feel like you're tied down in any way. It's not like there's kids involved?

But as another poster pointed out you need some time by yourself to assess your situation.
Also if it helps I went back to college again and retrained at 28/29 years of age. I'm in my 30s now and try to live the life I want to lead.

God I would love to be 26 again! The world is your oyster - go live it!

LegacyUser

Thanks so much for the replies, you given me hope, and plenty of food for thought.

My contract in work is up for renewal towards the end next year, which feels like forever at the moment but I guess it's not. Whether it's renewed or not I don't have to stay. I could end it there, take the rest of the year to spend a bit more time with my family, and then maybe go travelling by myself for a couple of months in the new year. I have a good bit of money saved up and I have a few friends in different countries who have offered their couchs if I ever visit so I could talk to them. I think it would be really good for me to get out and see the world on my own for a bit, and stand on my own two feet.

My OH will NOT like the idea of me travelling without him in the slightest, which I suppose is understandable (right?). If I explain to him I feel I need to do it in order to grow in confidence or else I will never truly feel comfortable in our relationship, he should understand or at least accept the reality of that? I mean, if he tried to stand in my way what would that say.. If we're really meant to be together then surely we could survive a couple of months apart to allow me to gain some independance? Or am I being naive?

In the meantime I could see if there are any short-term courses I could do to pick up some new skills and start thinking about what I really want to do with my life. Does anyone have any tips on how to go about doing that though, I've always struggled to find what I'm really good at and interested in.

Thanks again

OP – It sounds to me like you need to find yourself. If you are not happy in yourself then you will never be happy in your job or in your relationship.

Some people in your situation start to feel guilty about considering breaking up the relationship because they might hurt the other person. What you need to realise is that if you are not happy you will hurt that person any way in the long term.

And worrying about the recession is also typical these days, but is more foolish that worrying about quiting a job at this time. There ARE jobs out there, and in some fields there are high paid jobs going and just can not be filled.

No amount of money or job security is worth it if you hate your job. I would rather be on the dole myself, or earning 18k a year… but be happy… than be earning 100k and be miserable.

It sounds to me like you need to take some time out and think, maybe travel a little, and then come back and start a new degree in something you actually will enjoy.

At your age there are “mature student” options available too which will help with the cost of going back into academia but yet you are still young. Some people make such life changes in their 30s even 40s and go back to college. Relative to them your opportunities are both abundant and easier to attain.

Maybe tell us a little more about you… what career path you are generally in now, wht the degree was…. and what idea you have for other careers or educations you might see yourself enjoying.

Forget for now how you would ATTAIN such things, just talk to us about what you see in the happy side of things. Imagine an alternate you that is happy in an alternate universe and describe to us what you think she is doing with her life and why.

Tell us too what attracted you to the career and degree you have now, and what put you off it later.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the advice. You're right, I'm really not happy in myself at the moment. I'm very shy and lacking in self-esteem, I struggle to articulate myself and get what I want so I'm probably a bit of a doormat if I'm honest. My OH talks about buying a house or getting married but I just can't see myself doing any of those things while I feel this way and I'm going to have to face up to that sooner or later. To think I nearly agreed to buy a house together when I was 22 (he's 5 years older than me)! I just don't feel like an equal partner in the relationship, I still feel I have a lot of growing up to do and I can't do it while I'm glued to someone else. Maybe we'd be really good together someday if I could get past all that, I don't know.

I know what you're saying about work and I feel the same way. I would rather spend the rest of my life working a low paying job which I enjoy than a high paying one I hate. An easy-going job that I could leave behind at the end of the day would suit me best I think because I'm a bit of a worrier. Money could be a problem though, how could I pay my rent if I couldn't find a job and would I really be able to afford college if I have to pay most (or all) of the fees myself? It's a very scary thought.

My degree is in IT, I chose it aged 17 when I didn't a clue what I was doing because I like playing videogames! In second year I began to realise it wasn't for me, the techy stuff just doesn't come naturally to me at all and I still struggle to understand what my co-workers are talking about a lot of the time. It's like I have some kind of mental block which stops it all making sense, so having to work with that every day, not knowing what I'm doing, is very stressful. But I foolishly stuck with my course because I'd made friends and was enjoying college life. I barely scraped through 4th year.

As for alternate careers I love animals so I think I would like something which involves working with them. Not sure what or if I'd be cut out for it though and I didn't choose Biology for the Leaving (why do we have to make such life-changing decisions so young!?). Even though I'm shy I've enjoyed any time I've had to help people out provided I know what I'm talking about (showing parents around the school on parent/teacher days, manning a stall on clubs&socs day etc.) so there could be something there that I'd enjoy and that might help bring me out of my shell a bit. I've been doing a bit of review writing recently which I enjoy, so I was thinking about journalism, but I'm not sure I'd be cut out for that full-time either. After that, I don't know, but it's really helping just to talk it all out so thanks again

Hey again OP, thanks for getting back to us. We always appreciate follow ups here as many people post and never return.

Yea with the recent boom in IT many people were drawn into it and discovered they did not want to be there. People go “where the money is” all too often and end up hating the course and IT has been one of the biggest examples of this. I also did IT and I am lucky in that I enjoy it. However I saw 2 girls drop out in the first week and 4 more people in the following 2 months.

The one good thing with IT is that it is a HUGE area. If you are now doing programming you still have the conceptual skills to move into something like Networking (Cisco, 3Com and so on) and it is possible to retrain in these yourself in your spare time if you can finance the exams at the end. Second hand equipment for self training is very cheap and people do “packages” on Ebay for this.

Failing that if you change career and return to college, good IT skills stand to you in MANY career paths. It gives you an edge in some careers over people who might struggle with computer intermediate stuff and even some basics. One big failing of many marketing graduates for example is that they rarely understand the first thing about the technology platforms they end up doing their marketing on and have little concept of what these technologies can actually do for them. They sit staring at databases in awe when they are shown the data that can be pulled from them to fuel their marketing plans.

As for work with animals, you could spend some time with people in the field and see what advice they give you. There are, for example, many animal shelters and kennels around the country. Go talk to the ones near you, maybe even do some volunteer work for them, and pick their brains while you are there. Even the lowest trained of them will have a wealth of on the job experience from feeding animals, to dealing with the vets, to dealing with legal issues surrounding animals in Ireland. And if it does not work out, at least you did some good useful and appreciated volunteer work in the process.

For the other things you have listed there is also the option of not making a big change now but trying short evening courses or distance learning courses in the basics of each of them. Short courses may not be great in terms of qualifications, but it would certainly teach you enough to know if this is a path that is exciting your interest in that direction.

Journalism is an interesting one because you do not HAVE to study journalism to do it. You could study, for example, political science and use that to become a political journalist. Some courses are combinations like “Political science and journalism”. You could even do a science course and combined with your IT degree you have the option to go down a Technical writer route.

There really is a lot out there and you are still at a good age to explore it before you get to the age where the old reproduction body clock starts ringing too

pog it

+1 on taxahcruel re. It's great you are back and discussing it through.

I've been in your situation (in terms of having to change career) and finding out what I really wanted to do was -in the end- just a matter of following my heart and looking at what I was best and good at. And it's well known that we enjoy the things we are best at the most! When you get it right, it'll seem obvious in the end!

Now getting there wasn't easy. One thing that helped me on that journey though was writing down what I DIDN'T want to do for a living. And then I wrote down all the careers I was open to changing to. I considered a lot of things, being mindful of the fact that I wanted the potential to earn decent- good money out of it too. In the end I had two viable career paths I could take. For my second choice, I had gone to agencies who specialised in employment in that area and got the lowdown on further study requirements, and job options which were fairly wide but in the end I went with my other career path and it's working out, but it hasn't been easy.

You will be testing your OH now in that you need support now to find yourself and all that entails. Travelling is something you will never regret! But try to plan the travelling in and around your new career plan- for e.g. if you did go back to college, try and travel in the summer, etc. Your career should come first here, but definitely- travel as well.

You need to do what YOU want in life. And that may mean being a bit selfish short-term.

JBF

I don't think there has to be kids involved for this to be complicated?! Be prepared that your OH will probably be crushed, but it has to be done. I was in a similar-ish situation last year. I broke my OH heart, now after almost a year we're back together and working from scratch. It was worth the break I wish you all the best

LegacyUser

As a lurker, I've never understand why people post here asking for help but don't bother expanding on their own threads.

Thanks for the replies, this is the first time in ages I've felt like I have some hope. I'm really starting to see how many options I have so I definitely have some serious thinking to do.
Even if I only go travelling for a month or two after my contract ends I think that would still be a huge confidence boost for me. Do you think that's an unreasonable amount of time to ask your OH for in order to find yourself while in a relationship?

I have a year and a bit now to think about where I want my career to go next. As you say the computer degree is valuable in almost any job I could think of and there are lots of ways to try different things out without having to make a big commitment. It's hard to see things that way when the weight of your current job is crushing you! I really like the idea of writing out what I DON'T want to do for a living, I never thought of it like that before but it makes so much sense. I just hope I can figure out what I do want before it's too late.

As for my OH, I guess I have to do some more soul searching and see what his reaction to me wanting to travel or go back to college is, especially if it means money will be tight for a while (what with his talk of buying a house). It's confusing to figure out how I feel about him because my thoughts constantly bounce between extremes from "he drives me crazy and I should never have moved in so soon" to "he's lovely and it's nice to have someone to come home to", sometimes in the space of a single day. We have no kids thank goodness but it's definitely not a simple problem! I'd say a break to go travelling would definitely help me sort it out to some degree, I'd see how much I miss him compared to how it feels being on my own for a change.

Slutmonkey57b

"he drives me crazy and I should never have moved in so soon" to "he's lovely and it's nice to have someone to come home to", sometimes in the space of a single day. We have no kids thank goodness but it's definitely not a simple problem! I'd say a break to go travelling would definitely help me sort it out to some degree, I'd see how much I miss him compared to how it feels being on my own for a change.

A loving relationship is not a case of "is this better than being alone", or "it's nice to have someone to come home to". It sounds like your OH is settled and happy and sees this as a permanent future with you. If you don't, then you really need to say something. You don't have to be harsh. But my own feeling is that from what you describe, the OH is a convenient emotional crutch. That's no good for you in the long term and really, you are using him, which isn't fair.