Bully or Jealous Brother?

oddsocks2010

I’m new to this kind of thing but I’ll give it a go anyway. My brother is a bully.

I am a 27yr old girl and he is 31. I don’t know if he is jealous or bitter or what is going on but he commits his time to putting me down in front of my dad and other brothers.
An example: I am getting married in December and he told my dad this week not to give me any money for my wedding and to be basically keeping it for himself (My dad recently got 10k for work done). I had never asked my dad for money as the wedding is already paid for. But he is making sure that the money will not be spent on me. My Dad has approached him on his attitude towards me but nothing changes.
He constantly talks behind my back and makes snide remarks about me, my boyfriend, my in laws... you name it! But to my face or when he needs something he is as sweet as pie. His wife is not far behind him. I have ignored it and put up with it for years now but I find recently is really getting me down. He also has the ability to convince my other brothers that I am the devil and that I can twist my Dad around my little finger.
It is starting to affect me mentally now and I think I need to do something. Anyone that can offer me some advise? Should I cut all ties or keep my distance? I really don’t know how to handle the situation.

Beruthiel

Have you ever asked him what his problem is with you?

jurgenscarl

Don't descend to his level.
You are going to be married soon and that should be your priority.
Sibling rivalry and childishness doesn't end just because siblings grow up.
It continues right into old age.
You are just going to have talk to your father and to your other brothers and tell them how you feel.
Finally you are going to have to talk to your problem brother and tell him honestly how his behaviour is upsetting you.
This doesn't have to turn into a screaming match with skin and hair flying.
Calmly and patiently talk this through.
Stand your ground, make it clear that this cycle of behaviour has to come to an end for good, don't let it go and don't give into his manipulation.
It seems though you have always had a problematic relationship with you brother since childhood and this is just going continue in one way or another for the rest of your lives.
So if all else fails focus on your marriage and your future.
In years to come you will be too busy bringing up your own kids and sorting out their problems and squabbles to care anymore.

oddsocks2010

If im honest about it, he intimidates me and I would rather avoid confrontation. Probably part of the problem,letting him away with it.

Jurgenscarl: Thankyou so much for your advise. You have no idea how much your words have boosted me already!

Miss Fluff

oddsocks2010 wrote: »

If im honest about it, he intimidates me and I would rather avoid confrontation. Probably part of the problem,letting him away with it.

That's it in a nutshell. While you continue to take it on the chin and not stand up for yourself he will continue.

I think you need to set some ground rules once and for all on what you deem to be acceptable behaviour. You'd be surprised at what a positive impact confronting him would have. He'd have more respect for you for one.

oddsocks2010

Thanks Guys. I have taken all advise on board.

Any idea how I can go about getting the courage to confront him? Shall I wait until he comes looking or needing something from me?

Any advise welcome...Im a disaster

Miss Fluff

I think you are making the right decision. You can't allow him to let you treat you like this. In any situation like this it is always a good idea to write down what you want to say so you have it clear in your head. Otherwise it will all tumble out in an accusatory tirade and not really get you any further ahead.

Avoid emotive language. Stick to the facts and circumstances and put those in bullet points so you are very clear on what it is you want to say. I'd ask to meet him in a public place for a lunch or coffee, tell him how unfair his behaviour is, give him examples, and tell him you're not putting up with it any longer.

oddsocks2010

Thanks Miss Fluff.. I like your idea of writing it all down.

username123

I have a horrible brother. He is always so nice and polite to other people but he speaks to me like dirt. I cut ties with him a long time ago, there was a brief interlude where we began to develop a relationship again but he once again reverted to type after a few months so I cut ties again. The second time I explained to him calmly and clearly that his behaviour was unacceptable and toxic and I couldnt have a dysfunctional person like that in my life. He would bully me, patronise me, laugh at me, make out that I was an idiot, etc...

There is more background to how our relationship became so toxic - alcoholism in the family, difficult upbringing etc.. but ultimately I had to look after myself and my life is far more stress free without him in it. I have never regretted my decision.

oddsocks2010

username123- sounds like you know all about it!