Help me! I'm madly in love with her.....

LegacyUser

Right, I had a thread on this about a month and a bit ago, but threads seem to be deleted in here after awhile, so i'll give a recap.

Anyway, I am going crazy about this girl, I like her she doesn't like me is the guts of the story. It's more than just a crush, I love her. This is killing me not an hour goes by without me thinking about her.

Anyway the advice I got last time was to cut her out of my life, and i decided to do it, I didnt meet up with her from the first day of my Leaving Cert untill the start of July. Now this was fairly difficult, and I don't think I could have went any longer, I love her.

I asked her out ages ago, as in, March. I haven't actually made any move since, but a friend who is also her friend told me today that she doesn't like me in that way.

I don't know what I want from ye, advice I suppose. I know if she doesn't like me there is nothing I can do but all this makes me feel so sad and lonely. I'm not usually a sad person.... I'm not sure what to do.... I'm strongly tempted to tell her how I feel.

petes

Telling her how you feel isn't really going to help you here mate if she doesn't like you in that way.

Professing your love for her won't magically make her feel something towards you.

You will get the same advice again here I'd expect. You need to stop meeting up with her. In what way do you meet up with her? Is it with a group of friends?

jurgenscarl

Telling her how you feel will not magically make her fall in love with you.
You don't really love this girl at all. You are infatuated with her and this is an unhealthy infatuation.
Begging her and pleading with her to love just comes across as weak and unattractive and will creep her out if it isn't already.
You need to wise up, forget about her and move on.
If you are a young and single guy you have a lot going for you.
Instead of being such a desperate romantic act cool, relax and just socialise with othe people.
Stop trying to be so controlling and needy.
It is very offputting and makes people uncomfortable.
Forget about this infatuation with just one girl.
Get to know as many other girls as you possibly can.

I second that. Telling her how you feel is not going to help if she is not into you that way.

A mature decision needs to be made on your part and it is not a decision that is easy when any of us make it. You have to ask yourself what way you are into her and what your feelings for her are.

If it is mostly sexual and this is keeping you up nights then likely the advice you got before to keep her out of your life because you are just torturing yourself with something you likely will never get.

However, if you love her as a person, in the way that the world just seems a better place because someone like her is in it then you need to consider keeping her in your life but as a FRIEND.

If you care deeply for someone then all or nothing are not the only two choices. You can keep that person in your life as a friend and take joy in their existence, their presence and their proximity when you get it. Not all deep love for friends HAS to be expressed sexually or exclusively.

Of course the pain of not getting to be WITH her will likely be there for a long time, maybe forever, or probably until you find someone else, who knows. The question you have to ask yourself, one of the most difficult any of us face in relationships, is if being around her and the happiness that brings you is worth the penance of pain you pay at the same tim.

You have only just done the leaving, so you are young, but a decision like this is one of the most mature you could make. You either need to cut her out of your life and spare yourself the pain, or decide if the pain you feel is worth paying for the pleasure of knowing someone that wonderful.

HavingCrack

3rd that

You cannot make someone attracted to you if they aren't. It just doesn't work like that. Telling her your feelings will most likely creep her out big time. Get out there and meet some new girls and cut off contact with her because it seems as if being 'just friends' could cause some serious problems for you down the line.

Choc Affair

seriously..... you need to get out!!!!
you are quite young, in lust for this girl and believe me you will meet a special hottie that will have the same feelings for you as you will for them!!
fotget this girl.. your wasting your time and energy

LegacyUser

Deleted User wrote: »

If it is mostly sexual and this is keeping you up nights then likely the advice you got before to keep her out of your life because you are just torturing yourself with something you likely will never get.

However, if you love her as a person, in the way that the world just seems a better place because someone like her is in it then you need to consider keeping her in your life but as a FRIEND.

If you care deeply for someone then all or nothing are not the only two choices. You can keep that person in your life as a friend and take joy in their existence, their presence and their proximity when you get it. Not all deep love for friends HAS to be expressed sexually or exclusively.

Of course the pain of not getting to be WITH her will likely be there for a long time, maybe forever, or probably until you find someone else, who knows. The question you have to ask yourself, one of the most difficult any of us face in relationships, is if being around her and the happiness that brings you is worth the penance of pain you pay at the same tim.

You have only just done the leaving, so you are young, but a decision like this is one of the most mature you could make. You either need to cut her out of your life and spare yourself the pain, or decide if the pain you feel is worth paying for the pleasure of knowing someone that wonderful.

Thanks, I think this just could work. I don't think it is lust, yes she is beautiful, but it is her personality I love. I could list 100s of things I like about her besides her looks, how caring she is, and so on...

I understand what you are saying about me having to make a descion, and I think I will choose to keep her in my life. She brightens up everything and yes she is wonderful, the pain will be worth it. I realise I may never be anything but friends and I have to accept that. That depresses me.


I don't think I am ready to get another girl atm as so many of you are suggesting. I was at a party last week with friends and only had interest in the one person, but I will give it time.

Keep the advice coming, it is great to hear all this from a different perspective!

Btw, thanks very much, your help is really much appreciated. I realise ye have went to alot of time, to write out and think out responses. Thanks.

HavingCrack

Homepage wrote: »

Thanks, I think this just could work. I don't think it is lust, yes she is beautiful, but it is her personality I love. I could list 100s of things I like about her besides her looks, how caring she is, and so on...

I understand what you are saying about me having to make a descion, and I think I will choose to keep her in my life. She brightens up everything and yes she is wonderful, the pain will be worth it. I realise I may never be anything but friends and I have to accept that. That depresses me.


I don't think I am ready to get another girl atm as so many of you are suggesting. I was at a party last week with friends and only had interest in the one person, but I will give it time.

Keep the advice coming, it is great to hear all this from a different perspective!

Btw, thanks very much, your help is really much appreciated. I realise ye have went to alot of time, to write out and think out responses. Thanks.

I know a handful of people can stay friends with the girl/guy they're in love with but generally speaking you're setting youself up for some serious, serious problems down the line. Say she gets a boyfriend in the near future and you see them kissing in front of you at a party or what have you. Think of how you'll feel inside. Or say you overhear her talking how great the sex is with her new fella. I'm not trying to be harsh but these are some of the realities you may welll end up having to face in future if you stay as just a friend with her. It really could destroy you inside and you don't need that.

Theres millions of women in the world and not a single one is equal to or better than the one you're currently obsessed with?? Come on you don't really believe that do you? Seriously OP I can't see the pain being worth it if you're this infatuated with her.

Overheal

you could always do what i foolishly did: keep pining away at her until finally she just snaps back at you and before you know it you'll have been deeply scorned and all you will ever have left for the contemptuous cow is - yeah, Im free!

I dont Reccomend the approach by any means, but thats the direction you would be heading in if you suddenly threw your heart out to the moors like that. Hard though it is, very hard, you must get it in your head that she is a friend. You will never have an intimate or sexual relationship with her, and the more you hope for as much you only gravitate toward your own folly. The best thing is to really cut any and all contact.

Say she gets a boyfriend in the near future and you see them kissing in front of you at a party or what have you. Think of how you'll feel inside.

Your heart shrivels like a prune and you want to die inside. All the more reason to distance yourself.

Taltos

OP - I am with Overheal on this.

While you stay "friends" (with motives) you will NEVER EVER get over her. Instead all you will do is torture yourself endlessly.

Imagine these scenarios - and if you can hand-on heart say none of them bother you - well then you can be friends.
1) You see her making out with one of your friends at a party, you think lucky guy and go back drinking yourself into oblivion.
2) You see her copping off with a scumbag, lowest of the low, a druggie and a dealer.
3) At a party she disappears with one of the guys. They come back a while later, clothes in disarray, makeup smudged, item of clothing obviously on inside out. He has a stupid but satisfied look on his face, she is staring at him like he is the best thing on two legs (or 3).
4) You meet up for a coffee. She spends the whole time talking about John & Bob & Andy and how she now thinks she is pregnant but will always be there for you - oh and do you mind baby-sitting for her next week as Decko will be in town for the night?


Now if you can laugh at these with no twinges then you can be friends. Otherwise you have to ask yourself one simple question - do you hate yourself that much that you are going to put yourself through hell indefinitely for someone who cannot and will not ever love you?

End your relationship.
Tell her why.
And tell her that due to how you feel for her - you cannot ever ever see yourselves just being friends.
Don't go overboard, don't cry, plead, beg. Tell it how it is simply - "I am amazingly attracted to you and just cannot see us just being friends. I have tried but am not strong enough. For my sake I have to stop hanging around you and no I don't think it wise we ever meet up again."
No love - no lust - just simple facts - all about you - NOT her.

Best of luck and I hope you make the right choice this time.

Homepage

Homepage wrote: »

I understand what you are saying about me having to make a descion, and I think I will choose to keep her in my life. She brightens up everything and yes she is wonderful, the pain will be worth it. I realise I may never be anything but friends and I have to accept that. That depresses me.

It is certainly the harder (and braver) of the two decisions you are making. It is not an easy thing to keep someone in your life that you want nothing more than to have for yourself. Of course if it does not work out then you have the other option later anyway.

I wish you luck and I hope the joys she brings you are a friend are enough to reward you for giving her that friendship.

I have been in this situation myself and I tend to tell myself “What do I gain without her in my life? Nothing. What do I gain WITH her as my friend… lots”. That in the past has been enough for me.

She knew this too and one time I helped her sort something for her boyfriend who was gonna be PISSED at her if she did not get it done after promising she would.

At one point she said something to me along the lines of “Heh, you used to be into me… part of me half thought you’d prefer to see him pissed at me”.

I just told her “Nah… he makes you happy, and that was all I ever wanted when I wanted to be with you anyway.”

Greyfox

Homepage wrote: »

Thanks, I think this just could work. I don't think it is lust, yes she is beautiful, but it is her personality I love. I could list 100s of things I like about her besides her looks, how caring she is, and so on...

I understand what you are saying about me having to make a descion, and I think I will choose to keep her in my life. She brightens up everything and yes she is wonderful, the pain will be worth it. I realise I may never be anything but friends and I have to accept that. That depresses me.

I think you'll be making probably the biggest mystake in your life if you stay friends. You can NEVER be just friends with a women you still have feelings for, all your doing is guarenteeing yourself a lot of dragged out pain as even if you've accepted nothing will ever happen between you's deep down their will always be part of you that wants more.

Your still carrying emotion that's going to take a lot of time to go away and you need to get this out of your system, it's very hard to do but you really do need to CUT ALL CONTACT. Taltos made some very good points, if your going to be friends you have to accept and be confortable with the fact that she will be having sex with other men and it's only a matter of time befor she gets a boyfriend which will probably mean not having as much time to talk to you. Like most guys I have been in your position befor and I deeply regret staying friends with the girl

LegacyUser

Taltos wrote: »

Imagine these scenarios - and if you can hand-on heart say none of them bother you - well then you can be friends.
1) You see her making out with one of your friends at a party, you think lucky guy and go back drinking yourself into oblivion.
2) You see her copping off with a scumbag, lowest of the low, a druggie and a dealer.
3) At a party she disappears with one of the guys. They come back a while later, clothes in disarray, makeup smudged, item of clothing obviously on inside out. He has a stupid but satisfied look on his face, she is staring at him like he is the best thing on two legs (or 3).
4) You meet up for a coffee. She spends the whole time talking about John & Bob & Andy and how she now thinks she is pregnant but will always be there for you - oh and do you mind baby-sitting for her next week as Decko will be in town for the night?

That has really hit home... I remember a few months ago when she was talking about guys she was involved with it really troubled me. Now this hasn't happened for awhile but thats because nothing much has been happening in her love life recently. If any of the above happened I could see a part of me dying inside, and the worst thing is some will happen.

Taltos wrote: »

End your relationship.
Tell her why.
And tell her that due to how you feel for her - you cannot ever ever see yourselves just being friends.
Don't go overboard, don't cry, plead, beg. Tell it how it is simply - "I am amazingly attracted to you and just cannot see us just being friends. I have tried but am not strong enough. For my sake I have to stop hanging around you and no I don't think it wise we ever meet up again."
No love - no lust - just simple facts - all about you - NOT her.

That makes sense, but my brain and my heart seem to disagree... I can never not see her again anyway, we share common friends etc. She is even coming to my grads at the end of August!

Deleted User wrote: »

I have been in this situation myself and I tend to tell myself “What do I gain without her in my life? Nothing. What do I gain WITH her as my friend… lots”. That in the past has been enough for me.

This. I can think of how I am better off just knowing her.

Deleted User wrote: »

I just told her “Nah… he makes you happy, and that was all I ever wanted when I wanted to be with you anyway.”

She knows I like her too and I kinda feel like this about her. I'd prefer for her to be happy than her being unhappy going out with me. Even if this means I will never ever be with her. This sucks.... I'm half crying typing this (I'm not usually an emotional person, it has been years since I last cried).

Please keep posting responses, it really helps. Thanks.

legend365

I've been there, maybe still am there.

If you still want to know her or be around her, you'll only EVER be her FRIEND. I couldn't do that and i think im better off.

Think about yourself. She has you feeling like crap.

Just tell her straight up. You can't and don't ever want to be 'just her friend' and leave it at that. Try avoid her from then on.

Share friends? Organise nights out without her. I know it sounds mean but its the only way you'll either grow out of it or move on and cut your losses.

Micahelxcx

Hi,

You need to cut all contact NOW. It is not her fault that you feel like this. You refuse to accept she is NOT INTO YOU and you think that somehow she will change her mind about liking you romantically.
Sorry, from experience it doesn't work like that.
You have completed your leaving certificate yet you are behaving like a starry-eyed 15 year old infaturated with a female classmate.
Where is your own self respect? She has told you she doesn't fancy you as a lover/boyfriend but just as a friend. Accept it. And it is clear you cannot be friends with her. Move on and find a girl that likes you for who you are.
You are becoming obsessed with the idea of being in love with her.
If you aren't careful you will become controlling and jealous of her future boyfriends.
It is very unhealthy.
There are loads of other girls your age, go find them.

LegacyUser

trust me u will get over it. there was this girl who i completely obsessed about, she was all i could think of...beyonce could have stood on front of me and i wouldn't have looked twice at her. i thought this girl was incredible like and i thought she feltthe same way but like me was too shy to express how she felt. then i found out she didn't feel same way and liked this other guy like and initially it hurt a lot but then i questioned what the hell i was dooin its just a girl no big deal. move on theres other girls out there.

Kingkong

Homepage wrote: »

She knows I like her too and I kinda feel like this about her. I'd prefer for her to be happy than her being unhappy going out with me. Even if this means I will never ever be with her. This sucks.... I'm half crying typing this (I'm not usually an emotional person, it has been years since I last cried).

Please keep posting responses, it really helps. Thanks.

I'm probably the last person that should give advice on this topic! One thing I have started to understand is the girl involved isnt innocent.

She knows how you feel and she is suppose to be your friend, why is it she is letting you string along?? Surely a true friend would want to see you happy and not tore apart.

Her motivations are absolutely critical here because for whatever reason she is okay with letting it be, no matter what the circumstances, a true friend couldn't simply let this continue.

HavingCrack

Kingkong wrote: »

I'm probably the last person that should give advice on this topic! One thing I have started to understand is the girl involved isnt innocent.

She knows how you feel and she is suppose to be your friend, why is it she is letting you string along?? Surely a true friend would want to see you happy and not tore apart.

Her motivations are absolutely critical here because for whatever reason she is okay with letting it be, no matter what the circumstances, a true friend couldn't simply let this continue.

You're being a bit hard on the girl here. She's made it clear she only wants to be friends. She isn't stringing him along by dangling a relationship in front of him. She may or may not want to continue being just friends with the OP (but I'd guess its the first) but I think she's made it pretty black and white that there is never going to be a romantic relationship between the two of them.

LegacyUser

I just want to check back to tell ye all I have made a descion, be it good or bad and I am sticking to it. I thought after all the help ye deserved to know the rest.

I am going to stay friends with her, I now realise nothing will ever happen between us ever. She is so worth keeping in my life! It does kill a bit of me slowly thinking that I will never get to hold her and tell her how I really feel, and have it said back to me. Stilll though she is worth it! I love her. Maybe just maybe someday something will happen.... ( I live in hope)

I am trying to move on, I have a date with another girl. Now I'm not actually interested in this other girl but i was asked out and it is healthy to move on. I probarly won't let it pass the first date, as I still am not over the other girl... (Is this mean going out with her? It seems like I am only causing problems for her? )

Once again thanks for all the advice, it has been invaluable. By posting here you really have helped somebody! Thanks.

karaokeman

OP

Do NOT listen to any of the advice posted above regarding cutting the other girl out of your life. I know EXACTLY how you are feeling, and I know a girl who I am infatuated with in the same way. I love her, more so for her personality than her looks (don't get me wrong, she is still good looking).

You CAN keep this girl just as a FRIEND, if you are sure that you are strong enough to just have that with her without being hurt. Plus if you haven't cried in years, I assume you are emotionally strong (which will help keep her as a friend without feeling any pain).

For me it would be even worse if I cut the girl I know out of my life. I think she likes me but she doesn't feel ready to have a relationship yet (some girls are like this).
May I ask this, how are you sure the girl does NOT feel the same way for you? If she went on a date with you (even if it was months ago) surely she must be kind of interested. Also she's going to your grads (have you asked yourself would she really go with someone JUST as a friend, if she knows how you feel). Be careful who told you she doesn't like you. There are many people you can't trust and they might be trying to steer you away from the girl because they think you could end up with her (a bit of jealousy there).

Blackdrag

Wow! i know what your saying OP i myself went through this a long time ago and to be fair its brought back some harsh memories.... And my buddy is going through it now.

My mate is being used for his money tho but he’s just way to thick to see it. As for my self i tried the cut off completely method and it works for a little while BUT to be honest it will leave you with regret.

The only question is what can you live with the most?

1) A life as a friend (watching her move on and you stay the same)
2) Be strong enough to cut off all ties and try move on yourself?

Who knows after the cut she could come chasing you??

Anyways Good Luck!

squonk

Hi OP! I know exactely how you feel. Been there, done that as they say. That's why your post made so much sense to me. I decided I'd long on and give you my two cents.

The short story is, reconnected with a former friend who is an amazing lady, fell for her hook, line & sinker, even though, over time, it was very obvious nothing was ever going to happen, but you don't see this at the time. Did try to make a move once or twice but to no avail but hung in there just in case. We got on like a house on fire and did heaps of things together, so much so that some of my friends did think there was something going on. Like yourself, I loved everything about her. It was the whole package you could say. In the end though, after getting hurt a few times, I reached a point where I really had to make a decision. I had to face up to the reality that we wouldn't be together and the decision was how to handle it in the best way.

First off, don't listen to the people who say to cut her out entirely. It sounds like you're good friend and they're hard to come by. I was in your situation, posted on here and got the same advice. It didn't sit right with me at the time and now makes even less sense. I have a few other great friends who listened to me boring them about the situation and were kind enough to stop me making the sort of mistakes like telling her how you feel. That won't work. It's maybe something you feel you need to do now, for yourself, but it's a tough thing to be on the other side of though. You will get by without that, trust me.

What helped me was to try to create some distance temporarily. That's not cutting the person off and not talking to them, just resisting the urge to contact them every time you feel like it. Also, if you do lots of things together, then actively try to do things at least by yourself or ask some other friends along. They might be delighted with the invitation and you'll still have a great time.

You have to do it in small steps, but firstly realise you are doing it for YOU. It's not an easy road either. You'll still feel down in the dumps for a good while, but the times will become fewer in frequency. It won't be easy doing things together either but you do need to keep in the front of your mind that you are doing this for YOU, so, if it is the case that you meet at parties and things, suit yourself by arriving later or leaving earlier or doing what makes yourself most comfortable.

Even when you reach a point where you think, OK, I've made progress and I think I'm over her, you might find you aren't quite. I know I certainly did but found it helped to keep in my mind that nothing was still going to happen and that I couldn't fall for it.

One day though, you will really reach a point where you realise you need to give her a ring because it's been long enough since you talked that you need to catch up and find out what's happening in her world!

For me, we very much still keep in touch. She's one of my best friends and I wouldn't have it any other way. She's now going out with someone which I'm delighted about because she's very happy and, having met her new fella, he's sound so what could be better. Best of all, you realise how many other fantastic ladies there are out there when you're not spending all your time focusing all your attention on just the one. Remember, be yourself and have fun when you're out. You'll be surprised. Girls find that way more attractive.

So, well done on having amde a decision. good luck with it. It won't be easy and make sure you've another of your best friends on side to listen to your woes and be a sounding board. It's only for the first while. Honest! In the end, you'll see the object of your affections in a whole new light, she'll still be your friend and you'll enjoy the friendship even more once you have gotten rid of all the other stuff going in on your mind. Honestly, it stops you having some real fun hanging out together. In my case, I can say there's no-one I'd rather do a night out with and can honstly say I wouldn't want anything more at this stage.

I hope that helps you. Do try and enjoy your date. Relax, open up and give the other girl half a chance. You may just be surprised!

needhelpguy

Some good advice here OP.

I am in the same situation at the moment. Dated a girl for a while, f*cked it up. Now she just wants to be friends and is with another man. The pain is almost unbearable.

However like you I have to (and want to) keep her as a friend. I think cutting contact is a ridiculous idea as other posters have pointed out. If you take rejection from a girl personally, you're basically telling her you do believe you're not good enough for her, which conveys a total lack of confidence. Any girl can tell you that low confidence is very unattractive.

For your own sake, keep some distance. Still be friendly, chatty with her, big smile, laugh etc. Act completely indifferent as to whether she wants you or not. Don't be shy about mentioning you are dating other women. It will give you an air of dignity and help boost your confidence. It will also make you more attractive to other women, and who knows, maybe even her.

If it's any consolation, I know exactly how you feel. It ain't nice!

katie99

Stop!

You're wasting your time with this girl. She is not interested in you as a boyfriend. She doesn't have the same feelings for you, as you have for her.
So, forget the friends thing. You are not in love with her, but in love with the idea of being in love with her. Two completely seperate emotions.
You need to show maturity here and let go.
Sorry for being harsh but please stop wallowing in the belief she is also into you, she isn't.
For your own self esteem and sanity move on. Forget her. She has had her opportunity to be with you and rejected it. And rejected you.
She isn't worth it.
She is the one who is missing out. It is her loss not yours.
Build up your own self esteem.
Let her go and get out and meet another girl who will like you for who you are.
Best of luck!!

LegacyUser

katie99 wrote: »

Stop!

You're wasting your time with this girl. She is not interested in you as a boyfriend. She doesn't have the same feelings for you, as you have for her.
So, forget the friends thing. You are not in love with her, but in love with the idea of being in love with her. Two completely seperate emotions.
You need to show maturity here and let go.
Sorry for being harsh but please stop wallowing in the belief she is also into you, she isn't.
For your own self esteem and sanity move on. Forget her. She has had her opportunity to be with you and rejected it. And rejected you.
She isn't worth it.
She is the one who is missing out. It is her loss not yours.
Build up your own self esteem.
Let her go and get out and meet another girl who will like you for who you are.
Best of luck!!

Forget the friends thing? What a load of crock. Of course he can still be friends, good friends are hard to come by. You don't let go of something like that because of a rejection. And rejection isn't a rejection of you as a person, but you as a lover. That's why you really shouldn't take it personally. You are just not what she is looking for in a boyfriend, that's all. She hasn't rejected you as a person. You can move on without destroying the friendship.

It IS possible to get over this and be just friends (as other posters here have demonstrated), and you'll just see her as just a friend yourself. It'll be awkward for a while but that passes. Getting upset and breaking off all ties will make you look childish and insecure. It gives her the power to control your emotions. By staying friends, taking the hard road (which does end), and dating with other women it shows A) you aren't easily affected by rejection She's not that important to you and C) Other girls will happily date you.

It is entirely possible as the OP grows more confident that she will see him in a different light in future. Nothing is set in stone. Even if it doesn't, he will have a great female friend to ask or confide in about his own dating problems plus there is the access to all of her friends - i.e. a bigger dating pool.

The "forget her, cut all contact" mantra that is thrown around on this board is childish and selfish in the extreme. Distance is necessary for a while absolutely, but cutting contact with a good friend? No. You will get over thinking about her that way OP and you are going about it in the right way. Good luck.

desolate sun

Maybe just maybe someday something will happen.... ( I live in hope)

OP you are living in denial. This is not going to happen.
Speaking from experience, I've been through the same. The difference being I actually HAD some relationship with the guy. We broke up, I pined like a puppy dog. I made a complete fool out of myself. My friends asked him how he felt about me. He actually had to say that he wasn't interested in me, AT ALL! Even then I'm not sure if I got the message :rolleyes: I was madly in love with him and living in a dreamworld.
I look back now and cringe about my behaviour. Thankfully I have the excuse that I was really young and it was my first relationship. Still I wish I had displayed some dignity. My self esteem was pretty low so this was another excuse.
I wasted months on this guy and the thing is, when I took off the rose-coloured specs, he was a complete tosser. Lazy druggie with terrible hygiene and a nasty streak. I was blind to it all.
Don't waste your life OP. Work on your self-esteem. It can't be too high if you allow yourself to feel this way. YOU are in control of your life, don't allow yourself to be controlled by others.

newtothis2010

Homepage wrote: »

I am trying to move on, I have a date with another girl. Now I'm not actually interested in this other girl but i was asked out and it is healthy to move on. I probarly won't let it pass the first date, as I still am not over the other girl... (Is this mean going out with her? It seems like I am only causing problems for her? )

OP I just wanted to wade in here on this point as there are plenty of opinions on the friends thing..

I hope this date hasn't happened yet, because imo Please don't go with this girl if you are not interested....
yes its healthy to move on but with someone you like...

going on a date, even 1 with this girl is just stringing HER along.... thats not exactly fair op is it??
What if this girl feels about you the way you feel about the other girl, which is possible since SHE asked you?

Please make your excuses if you are genuinenly not interested and move on elsewhere...

just my 2 cents..

minidazzler

Homepage wrote: »

I just want to check back to tell ye all I have made a descion, be it good or bad and I am sticking to it. I thought after all the help ye deserved to know the rest.

I am going to stay friends with her, I now realise nothing will ever happen between us ever. She is so worth keeping in my life! It does kill a bit of me slowly thinking that I will never get to hold her and tell her how I really feel, and have it said back to me. Stilll though she is worth it! I love her. Maybe just maybe someday something will happen.... ( I live in hope)

I am trying to move on, I have a date with another girl. Now I'm not actually interested in this other girl but i was asked out and it is healthy to move on. I probarly won't let it pass the first date, as I still am not over the other girl... (Is this mean going out with her? It seems like I am only causing problems for her? )

Once again thanks for all the advice, it has been invaluable. By posting here you really have helped somebody! Thanks.

See these two contradictory statements? Don't lie to yourself.

OP, you gave it the bones of 3 weeks cut off from her, you have to give it 3 months, maybe even 3 years. It's not good for your soul to stick near someone you are infatuated with, I have been there more times than I can count. The only way over it is to stop seeing her, eventually out of sight, out of mind will mostly take hold.

You are more in love with an idea of her I would wager, rather than herself. I have been there and I have seen guys in that situation. You never know when you are the one in it, but EVERYONE can see other guys who are in that situation.

You may be able to be friends with her, but not while you are in love with her, it's just unnecessary pain for you and will stop you forming healthy sexual and otherwise relationships with girls. You will always pine for her if you stick close to her, and you will measure other girls up but they will fail becuase you are still gonna be in love with her.

Zen65

Homepage wrote: »

I am going to stay friends with her, I now realise nothing will ever happen between us ever. She is so worth keeping in my life! It does kill a bit of me slowly thinking that I will never get to hold her and tell her how I really feel, and have it said back to me. Stilll though she is worth it! I love her. Maybe just maybe someday something will happen.... ( I live in hope)

Let me be awfully blunt with you OP.

One reason that young men so often take their own lives, or the lives of others, is because they follow the same idiotic path you have laid out before yourself.

You say you love her, you know you can't have her, you want to maintain a painful relationship? But by maintaining that relationship with her, she may come to despise you and things will get worse from here on in. Equally she may just see you as the doormat you have chosen to be, and she will take you for granted and wreck your head at every opportunity. The path you are so quick to choose offers you nothing but pain and will stifle your own development. Not only will you be uninteresting to her, you will be uninteresting to everyone else.

So here's my advice: move on, quickly.

Make new friends, without losing old friends. Keep your contact with her as limited as you can... to the point of outright avoiding her.

Find other girls, enjoy other relationships. You have no idea what love is at your age, so get out and learn. You cannot love somebody you have not been romantically involved with (ok, excluding family).

Sorry if that sounds patronising, that's not how I intend it. Every man over 20 has been through what you are describing, and we know you're taking the wrong path.

Maybe in 3-5 years' time, after you've both shared relationships with others, you may want to find her again. Face that when it comes around.


Be at peace,


Z

LegacyUser

newtothis2010 wrote: »

going on a date, even 1 with this girl is just stringing HER along.... thats not exactly fair op is it??
What if this girl feels about you the way you feel about the other girl, which is possible since SHE asked you?

Thanks! unfortuneately it is already too late, I went on the date it was fun. I didn't like her.... It was because I'm still in love with this other girl. I see what you mean it was a stupid descion, I was just thinking of myself. There won't be a second date.

sameposition wrote: »

Forget the friends thing? What a load of crock. Of course he can still be friends, good friends are hard to come by. You don't let go of something like that because of a rejection. And rejection isn't a rejection of you as a person, but you as a lover. That's why you really shouldn't take it personally. You are just not what she is looking for in a boyfriend, that's all. She hasn't rejected you as a person. You can move on without destroying the friendship.

Thanks, that really cheered me up!

karaokeman wrote: »

You CAN keep this girl just as a FRIEND, if you are sure that you are strong enough to just have that with her without being hurt. Plus if you haven't cried in years, I assume you are emotionally strong (which will help keep her as a friend without feeling any pain).

Thats what I was hoping to do! I'm quite strong emotionally, I generally bottle up all my emotions. This just seemed to be getting to me.

karaokeman wrote: »

For me it would be even worse if I cut the girl I know out of my life. I think she likes me but she doesn't feel ready to have a relationship yet (some girls are like this).
May I ask this, how are you sure the girl does NOT feel the same way for you? If she went on a date with you (even if it was months ago) surely she must be kind of interested. Also she's going to your grads (have you asked yourself would she really go with someone JUST as a friend, if she knows how you feel). Be careful who told you she doesn't like you. There are many people you can't trust and they might be trying to steer you away from the girl because they think you could end up with her (a bit of jealousy there).

This is actually very thought provoking. You see the person who told me she doesn't like me has actually lied to me before about this sort of stuff, I just can't see her motive this time. She is also the one person who would know how this girl feels.

The Grads thing, is also interesting. I asked her ages ago, and at the time we weren't the greatest friends, because we didn't know each other too long... Maybe...



Also alot of you mentioned confidence and self-esteem, you would be right I am not the most confident person. Maybe I need to work on that too, if I should ever have a chance.

Atm, I am half thinking of asking her out again, what harm could be done? It has been a few months since I last asked her out and she knows I like her. (We are constantly being slagged by friends about how we should be together - make a perfect couple apparently, thats how she knows I like her).

dellas1979

At your age, the usual aloof, disinterested approach towards the female usually would get a reaction (what am I talking about - this happens at all ages!:D).
I would personally leave her alone. Be your usual friendly self just not as interested. If you smother her you will definitely ruin it. But you must also learn and do yourself a favour and carry on with your own life, because believe me or not, there will be other women, other loves, travel, jobs....it hurts now but your experience of this at your age will stand to you in the future.

squonk

Homepage wrote: »

Atm, I am half thinking of asking her out again, what harm could be done? It has been a few months since I last asked her out and she knows I like her. (We are constantly being slagged by friends about how we should be together - make a perfect couple apparently, thats how she knows I like her).

OP, Stop right there! I can't stress enough, SHE'S NOT INTO YOU. NOTHING WILL *EVER* HAPPEN. It doesn't matter how many times you ask her out. She will *NEVER* say yes. The only way you are ever going to have a relationship with anyone is to move on from this and get to know new people. I can't stress this enough. You're just digging yourself back into the same hole again. It doesn't get any easier and you'll get more hurt each time you get turned down or see he with someone else. I don't know, join a club or something that gets you out learning a new skill/interest and meeting new people. that'll keep your mind off this other girl. I'm sorry to be blunt but that's what had to happen to me before I got over myself. LEAVE IT ALONE. Look, all I'll say to finish is that meeting people isn't something that requires great effort. Once you met someone you do click with, you'll realise how much effort you're currently wasting chasing after this girl. There are some good posts on here. Read them again and then wake up and stop deluding yourself.

Kimia

OP seriously, you've asked her out already, she knows you like her, (it sounds to me like you appear as a puppy dog blindly and lovingly following her around).

Do you have any idea how pathetic that sounds? Seriously, stop this madness and get some self-respect back. You are willing to live your life in hopes that this girl will 'some day' learn to like you? I feel so sorry for you, because she never will. There's nothing more creepy and sad than a guy pathetically waiting in the wings for something that will never happen.

Sorry. Move on.

HavingCrack

Homepage wrote: »

Thanks! unfortuneately it is already too late, I went on the date it was fun. I didn't like her.... It was because I'm still in love with this other girl. I see what you mean it was a stupid descion, I was just thinking of myself. There won't be a second date.



Thanks, that really cheered me up!



Thats what I was hoping to do! I'm quite strong emotionally, I generally bottle up all my emotions. This just seemed to be getting to me.




This is actually very thought provoking. You see the person who told me she doesn't like me has actually lied to me before about this sort of stuff, I just can't see her motive this time. She is also the one person who would know how this girl feels.

The Grads thing, is also interesting. I asked her ages ago, and at the time we weren't the greatest friends, because we didn't know each other too long... Maybe...



Also alot of you mentioned confidence and self-esteem, you would be right I am not the most confident person. Maybe I need to work on that too, if I should ever have a chance.

Atm, I am half thinking of asking her out again, what harm could be done? It has been a few months since I last asked her out and she knows I like her. (We are constantly being slagged by friends about how we should be together - make a perfect couple apparently, thats how she knows I like her).

OP why did you bother posting in this forum??? You're juts ignoring any advice that tells you to move on.

You're only taking advice that tells you to stay friends with this girl and continue to pine after her. All you're doing is taking advice that confirms what you're doing is the right way and ignorning any negative advice.