what to do now?

LegacyUser

Broke up with my ex of 4 years and lived together just short of a year a few weeks ago,

Over the last few months she had been spending a couple of nights out alone with her friends we didn't really socialise much with other people and kind of did our own thing with our respective mates. She knew my friends well and had no problem going out with them but most of them have emigrated and dont really have many mates now myself. She didn't really let me to get to know her old friends has only really been in the last six months she has started hanging around with them again she wouldn't invite me out with them so she would go off out alone with them. Often she came back complaining about sleazy guys coming up to her in a club or whatever and how she disliked that side of being out with her mates. More often than not I was left alone in apartment while she was out socialising this was really getting to me and making me unhappy as to how someone I had spent such a long period of time seeing could treat me like this.

When we brokeup she said she wanted to break up as she felt like she was 2 different people, one when she was with me and another when she was with doing her hobby and with her friends. She felt guilty she was not spending time with the other when she was with the other.

I was devastated initially lost weight, barely ate, barely slept and was really down. during this time the only contact we had was an email from her saying how great our relationship had been but she felt it was for the best we went our separate ways. Asides from this the only contact we had was sorting out the apartment.

About two weeks ago I cracked with the no contact and trying not to think about her and called her where basically I acknowledged a lot of my own failings, not socialising, not making a real effort to get into her hobby(I dabbled in it but she never really tried to get me into it) so we could spend more time together and I asked her for another chance to put right the wrongs I was responsible for.

She said she loved me but was not in love with me anymore and that I had four years to get into her thing and that I didnt. She said she was just focusing on her hobby right now her season is over in August and that she needed space. I said I would respect her space and have not been in touch since but I cant get her out of my head

What do I do? I acknowledge that things had and have to change if we are to even have any possibility of a future but she doesnt want this? Im not much of a drinker and my social circle has gotten alot smaller over last few years as my good mates have left the country.

From other peoples experience whats your feedback on what is going on here? What should I do now? It seems to me that maybe she got a taste for the single life and having been in a relationship for four years at 25 she decided she wanted to be single again, other part of me feels she is really selfish wanting to focus on her sport which I really encouraged her to get back into and made lots of attempts to support her in.

Im back living with parents now, out of work and my mates are working and dont really live near me. How do I get over this. Please help me!

Wibbs

My 2 cents would be that it was nice while it lasted, but the honeymoon period ran out and the real long term thing was not going to work for her. Hence the whole "I love you, but am not in love with you" spiel. 3/4 years is the major time for this to happen. Its almost a rule. Look around in here for a week and you'll see that the timeframe is nearly always "we've been together for 3/4 years but now he/she's left" More often its she as a general thing. If ye were both 32 it seems IME anyway that its more likely to continue, but when the people are in their mid 20's they're more likely to bail. More options I guess.

The socialising alone in the last few months should have been a red flag for you. I'd put money the stuff in the bedroom probably tapered off too. Men I have to say are very prone to missing these signs and writing them off as a phase or relying on the fact "she loves me". They get complacent and ignore the need for emotional stimulation. The male equivalent of the cliche of a woman putting on 4 dress sizes and then wondering why the guy isnt that pushed anymore.

So what do you do now? IMHO and its only MHO, I think there's not a lot you can do. Trying to do anything will likely drive her away. If she's the kind of person that goes from one relationship to the next she may already have another lined up. How did you two meet? Did she leave a guy for you? If so then that is more likely the case now.

So all you can do is to move on for yourself. You will find another. Why mope after someone that doesnt want to be with you. OK thats easy for me to say now, not so easy to do or hear for you. But that will change. Try and reconnect with your life. Try and reconnect with friends and hobbies etc. In fact doing this is about the only way you will get her back in any healthy way.

LegacyUser

We met through a friend when we were in College, you were spot on regards bedroom thing. Neither of us were in a relationship when we met, I was quite a jack the lad when I was younger and she really settled me down and I became disinterested in going out getting hammered every weekend and we did a lot of stuff together that didnt involve getting drunk just basically enjoying each others company. Although on reflection it probably became stale but we were both really excited about living together and it was great for a while before she started to spend less and less of her free time in the apartment and doing stuff with me

mogsy

OP seems to me like she doesnt know what she wants, alot of time people breakup with the whole grass is greener idea going on in their head, Sometimes they come back sometimes they dont. The thing for you is to get on with doing things that make YOU happy now, she made the decision for you to breakup and only she can change her mind if she wants to get back with you, by this time you may have thought about your relationship and decided its not for you.

Keep the chin up, get back in touch with friends and dont rush back into another relationship anytime soon as your probably not going to be in the right space for this over the next couple of months. But do get out there and meet new girls there is so many of them out that there that you may be surprised that there is another woman out there your more compatible with!