Friend and sister problems

LegacyUser

Please bear with me while I try and explain this mess. Ive 2 situations Ive got to explain/need advice on. Am female in my 30s.

Bit of background
I went through a really really rough patch the last year and half - probably even a bit of depression due to what was going on that I thought I could handle (well I am handling it ok I think). My general gripe is with life and the hands Ive been dealt with. Needless to say, crappy situations, low self esteem and being angry and anxious a lot has not won me alot of friends.

Situation 1
Fell out with an old friend of mine. Was even maid of honour at wedding. Felt she wasnt making an effort during this tough period I was going through. We fell out when she was 4 months pregnant. The baby is now about 4 months old and I did hear from her the day the baby was born (a general "Hi everyone...."message). Anyways, I text back and congratulated her. Never heard anything again. Fine. But it only hit me tonight (why tonight I dunno) that what we fell out over maybe it was over-exagerrated by me because at the time things were so horrible for me. I felt there bout 30mins ago to text her and said "i know we were probably both mad at eachother but would love to see the baby". Nothing back yet anyways. I am from the opinion that at least I tried if she doesnt want contact. Did I do the right thing?

Situation 2
(I am not painting a pretty picture of myself but I actually am an easy going person).
Myself and my 2 sisters fell out and didnt speak to each other for almost a year. There was alot of bulling going on there - I was going through such a hard time and they didnt want to know me. We got talking again after a year and I am ok with the older one, but about 2 months ago me and the younger one fell out again. She was always leaving me out of things-always telling me I looked bad or behaved bad or my life was going no where - always putting me down. I thought lessons had been learned the first time we fell out. We no longer speak or even look at each other now. I find it hard. As much as I dislike her, she also could be very nice-I miss the nice side. I really miss the nice side. She gets on better and has much more respect for my brothers girlfriend (who doesnt think much of me either-Id say she complains to her about me-they hang out together). Its hard to hear about her and what she is doing. I thought I could handle it all but I dont know what to do about her.

Should I just leave it be? I feel so lost and lonely. Maybe I need to get thicker skin.

newtoboards

You did the right thing texting your friend. It's up to her now if she wants you in her life. I'm sorry to hear you had a tough time but only you can change your attitude. As there are so many people that you have fallen out with what is it that you have done to push them away. And of course what can you do to rectify that? I don't know the back story to all of this with you so please forgive me if I'm making assumptions.

lizzie09

Yes I think your friend WILL text back...shes just digesting it now.

Take it nice and easy when you hear from her, you did the right thing.:)

up for anything

lizzie09 wrote: »

Yes I think your friend WILL text back...shes just digesting it now.

Take it nice and easy when you hear from her, you did the right thing.:)

Agreed, although with a four month old she may also be in the middle of black hour which can go on all night sometimes. Don't lose heart if you don't hear from her till the morning or even later in the day.

You also need to get out of yourself a bit and stop dwelling on your miseries. I am not trying to minimise them whatever they are, but it seems that though you might think you have been handling it well, that you haven't. You seem to have been pushing all the female supports in your life away which is pretty unusual. You could try asking your elder sister what it is that you have been doing which seems to alienate people and maybe try and work on that. You could also visit your GP and see whether you need a little for the depression. No shame there.

I hope that things begin to look up for you soon but I think you probably need to spur them on.

Zen65

unregi wrote: »

I went through a really really rough patch the last year and half - probably even a bit of depression due to what was going on that I thought I could handle (well I am handling it ok I think). My general gripe is with life and the hands Ive been dealt with. Needless to say, crappy situations, low self esteem and being angry and anxious a lot has not won me alot of friends.

You have hit the nail on the head here.

I can only conjecture, because you have given so little information, but this seems to be at the heart of the matter.

To fall out takes two people. To fall out with three people in a short space of time suggests you are playing the major role in these relationship squabbles. You need to fix your behaviour.

I say "fix" rather than "change" because it seems your behaviour is actually broken. You have not told us what the fall-outs were about, so I don't know what part of your behaviour is at issue. Your older sister knows, and if you go about it the right way, she may help you understand.

Here's a clue, though: You say "My general gripe is with life and the hands Ive been dealt with". Having a gripe against life is just pointless; life is not obliged to deal equal hands to all of us. How do you spot someone who has a gripe against life?.... usually they take it out on others. If it appears in the form of jealousy, bitterness, unkind words, or looking for others to solve your problems, then it will ruin friendships and your life will get worse.

So, my advice (take it or leave it).... is to stop looking for life to give you a break. Life feels no compassion, and it offers no comfort to those who cannot find it themselves. Stop waiting for your younger sister to include you more, but rather include her. Ask her over for lunch, and when she comes don't complain about your life, just be glad of her company. Do the same with older sister, and with your friends. STOP the cycle of bitterness, look for opportunities to make your own life better, and then in time, you will no longer remember why you once felt this way, and why you fell out with people. They may take a little longer to forget, that's human nature, let them have that time. They will include you more. These changes happen slowly, life isn't a TV drama.

Be at peace,

Z

Micahelxcx

Hi,

Unfortunately, life owes us nothing. Life is what we make of it ourselves.
From reading your message it seems you are feeling sorry for yourself because things haven't worked out the way you would have wanted them.
You don't specify what exactly it is that hasn't worked for you.

But on a human scale. There is no point falling out, arguing with family and friends because you are unhappy.

You did the right thing texting your friend and I hope she texts you back. If she doesn't, well move on. You gave her an opportunity.

As regards your younger sister, meet her and chat with her and ask her what it is that you do to upset her. We all have a 'blind spot' in our personality and sometimes we need others to point it out for us.

Stop being angry with yourself, your friends and your situation.

Make changes to your behaviour. Everyone around you is getting on with their lives. It is up to you to modify or change your behaviour and progress your lifestyle. That might mean making new friends, joinging clubs or groups, getting involved in voluntary work or whatever.

It might also mean visiting a counsellor to establish why your lifestyle is not working out, why you are unhappy and have such low self-esteem.

On an optimistic note may I suggest you google the poem Desiderata.
It is all about life and the rights of each individual to be here. Beautiful poem. It may help lift the gloom and doom from your mindset.

Best of luck.

kjl

Look, I'm not sure about the sister thing, but in regards to your friend

did you consider that fact that she being 4 months pregnant has more important things to worry about then you? She is only newly married and pregnant and you are trying to bring her on a downer. Then you decided to disown her as a friend during her pregnancy? I take your friends side on that one.

It seems to be that when you are in this depression mode that you expect everyone to drop everything and come and make sure you are OK, but the fact of the matter is people have their own life's.

Truth is, if you were my friend and you were always going on about how sad and what a rough patch you were going through, I wouldn't want to hang out either.

LegacyUser

OP here.
I agree I could have handled it better, but at the time, the way I saw it was that I had done so many things for her - I'd always been there for her - the one thing I asked her to do for me, she didnt show up. I did not go on about my problems to her - the opposite in fact. I felt I couldnt as she was so happy about the pregnancy and so was I for her.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, can I ask are you taking anything for your depression? It's all well and good saying you are handling it and dealing with it, but evidently you're not. The tone of your posts is very negetive and woe-is-me.

My husband went on like this for years. I begged him to go to the doctor and he always said he didn't need to.. he "was handling it". But you know what, he wasn't handling it, and he was making my life miserable along with his own.

He eventually gave in, and is now on medication.. He is a different person. Actually no, he's back the the person he was. The person I fell in love with.

You hurt your friend.. you admitted yourself you probably over-reacted (by the way 4 months pregnant is a hard time.. alot of growing going on, and you are likely to just fall asleep at the drop of a hat! I used to fall asleep on the couch mid conversaton with my hubbie!) give her time. Accept YOUR part in the falling out, without mentioning her! Saying "I'm sorry for what I said" is better than "we were both angry", do you know what I mean?! One is an apology, the other isn't!

Your sister.. I don't know. As others mentioned, maybe talk to your older sister. Ask her help. Tell her you were sick and not really in full control of your emotions and feelings. Ask her to act as a mediator with your other sister.. and likewise, go to your younger sister with "I'm sorry", not "we both said things".

Good Luck.

LegacyUser

Well she hasnt replied so I guess at least I tried and have my closure.

I am not a negative person - its just with these particular people I feel exhausted from them - very stubborn. Myself and older sister and not in the place yet where I could approach her. The background story being she accused my bf at the time of stealing from her house - I was reeling for a few weeks - didnt know what to do - they stopped talking to me.

Big Bag of Chips

Don't give up on your friend just yet..

Having a new baby is a busy time. I remember on mine (and still now!) I would get a text while I was doing something, read it, mean to reply to it later when I got a chance, and then completely forget about it and only remember maybe a week or so later when I had a quiet minute and went through my phone again!

I have a friend who has a 4mth old baby. It's a joke between the 2 of us now that we completely forget to text each other back. She may or may not text back.. but give her another while before you write her off completely.

I don't know what to advise about your family. Was your bf stealing from the house? If he wasn't was it proved that he wasn't and his name cleared? If he was did he apologise for his behaviour? While it's not a nice thing to happen, at the end of the day it wasn't your fault.

Families can be complicated at the best of times. And childhood sibling rivalry can carry on long into adulthood. It will take more than just you to fix it though. Your sisters also need to be willing.. if they're not, then unfortunately, you're not going to resolve it on your own.

Good Luck to you..