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opinions please

aidan_mc · 2010-07-09 10:53:08

WOMAN Secretly steamy nights Ingrained in memories One and only love. Beautiful of soul, Hate less, Absurdly kind. Nurturing mother to a son Please be kind this is my first attempt

09-07-2010 10:53am

#1

aidan_mc

Closed Accounts Posts: 44 ✭

Join Date: August 2006

Posts: 28

WOMAN
Secretly steamy nights
Ingrained in memories
One and only love.
Beautiful of soul,
Hate less,
Absurdly kind.
Nurturing mother to a son

Please be kind
this is my first attempt

0

Comments

#2 09-07-2010 11:01am

pickarooney

Moderators, Arts Moderators Posts: 35,731 Mod ✭✭✭✭

Join Date: June 2002

Posts: 34688

I think you could find a better 'A' than 'absurdly kind' and I don't really understand 'hate less'.
If you could at all make it flow as one sentence rather than disjointed phrases I think it would sound much nicer. 'Of' at the start of the third line would let you continue on from the first bit, for example.

0