Too "cheap" for girlfriend?

LegacyUser

Hi, first time here…forgive my English, I'm Polish…

I would like to know how you would feel in this situation.

I finished a long relationship with my ex, with whom I have a child. Since then I have been seeing some girls, on and off. I now met this really nice girl and we have been together for a while.

She is highly educated and is studying to be a medical doctor. She already has a degree in law. She speaks four languages and as far as I know, her parents have a very good economic situation. She is not spoiled, posh or high-maintenance in the least, but she has had a very comfortable life.

I didn’t finish secondary school and I work in constructions. I try to avoid it, but she's seen me more than once in my work uniform, helmet on, driving a lorry and things like that. My parents were quite poor and I worked my entire life in Poland to support myself and them. Many of her friends are lawyers and career women, while my friends are rough and unemployed. She likes to travel abroad in her holidays and I usually spend my free time at the pub/home.

Apart from that, we are great together, we have a lot of fun, and in bed everything is very good. I've been told I'm an attractive bloke by some female friends. I do feel a bit inferior to her, even though she never ever made me feel this way – she seems to actually really like me and if this difference bothers her, she never showed it.

I also have to admit that every now and then I resent her a bit for having had everything so easy in life (I know it is not fair).

My question is, do you think our different background could be a problem? Could this relationship work? I wonder if in the future our different tastes and background might become a problem.

How would you feel if you were in my shoes? Would you feel embarrassed/ashamed? How do you see our situation?

Thanks in advance.

Bart.

Otis Driftwood

So long as your upbringing and hers arent an issue for either of you then there is no reason why this couldnt work.It does sound if it is a bit of an issue for you though.My advice would be dont over analyse things and carry on as you have been.If it works it works,if it doesnt then c'est le vie.

Rowley Birkin QC

Yup, don't ever get caught up in things like that. If it's working then go with the flow.

RedRebel

I don't see why your different backgrounds would be an issue as long as you're both happy together.

I have to say, your girlfriend sounds fantastic. A doctor in the making who speaks four languages :eek: I've finished school and college with a masters degree but she sounds like she'd make me feel embarrassed of myself too to be honest!

I think the main thing for you is not to let this get to you. If you do then maybe it will become an issue. You've worked hard your whole life from the sound of it, as long as you can hold your head high at the end of a hard days work you've nothing to be ashamed of.

Dave Roe

Oh dear. You are already worrying about this too much. She sounds like a wonderful person and you are good together. Given her background she probably does not care that you did not have all her advantages, and doesn't think about it at all. Don't sweat it. If it was a problem for her you'd have known it before now. If you let it worry you it will just get in the way.
I would bet that her friends/family may make comments on your background through. Ignore them.
And good luck.

Malari

OP, some people are academic and some aren't. I have a Masters and my boyfriend failed his school leaving exams. We have been together nearly 5 years and it makes no difference to our relationship.

Sure we have different interests in some things - but the main thing is what we like to do together. We both love travelling, food, sport, and loads of other stuff.

There are lots of different types of intelligence. Just because someone is academic doesn't make them better than you. I know I am useless at plenty of stuff that he excels at. He can fix anything electronic, is really good at sport, he's artistic and imaginitive when it comes to DIY!

Don't worry about the differences and just focus on the things you both like about each other. Ever heard the phrase "opposites attract"?

LilMsss

The different backgrounds really shouldn't be problem, but there will obviously be occasions when it may be an issue for one or both of you, i.e. family functions etc, when the differences may be more pronounced.

I have a degree and a masters but come from a working class family. I'd like to think I take the best of both worlds - as in, I am educated so feel I have achieved some of what I set out to, yet I had to work extremely hard for everything I have, and achieved my degree and later masters despite the odds stacked against me, so am also grounded.

I'm in sort of a no man's land in some senses, cos I don't fit in with many people from my working class background, and professionally (and socially) I'd be perceived as quite middle class (accent, dress etc), but none of these change who I am. I am comfortable with people from so many different backgrounds, but sometimes my middle class friends and colleagues make comments about things they assume I have experienced, like fee-paying private schools and ski-trip holidays as a child!

I suppose what I am saying is that my background (economic and education) makes me who I am (the good and bad), and while having the same level of education as me would be nice in a partner, it wouldn't put me off if someone didn't. It's far more important that you respect and care about each other than what other people think.

Some of the most intelligent people I know have never been to college so don't beat yourself up over what you think you're lacking. She is obviously with you for a very good reason, so enjoy ...

LegacyUser

Thank you very much for your replies.
But being really honest…how would you feel if you were me?
Would you be ashamed? Would you try to make up for it in some other way?

Hazys

You say she had it easy...

Thats a bit unfair, you shouldnt blame her because her family worked hard to provide her with everything she needs to be sucessful. She is studying to become a docter which means she has always worked hard and takes advantage of all the opportunities afforded to her.

If she was a Paris Hilton type, living the easy life, sponging off her parents success; you could say she had it easy.

It looks like ye are very similar people, just backgrounds are different. You probably didnt have the chance to go to college but you made the most of all the opportunites opem to you and worked very hard. The only difference is she had a chance to go to college.

Xenee

READ THIS!

---

IF

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master,
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!


Rudyard Kipling (1865-1936)

---

Emme

<mod edit, dont feed the trolls>

Back to the OP. As long as he doesn't allow the fact that he slightly resents his girlfriend for having an easier start in life than him he shouldn't have a problem. I think they sound like a great couple and could really broaden each other's horizons. OP, you speak at least two languages yourself and you didn't have your girlfriend's advantages. If this relationship progresses she might be in a position later to support you if you want to go back to school or college. The best of luck to you both.

sam34

timelessone, cop on and quit the "humour"

post deleted

this isnt AH

no further warnings

Monkey09

You know what they say...Opposites attract. If everything is going well, then there's no reason why there should be problem. It bothers me that you see the situation as a problem though. If you believe it is a problem, it WILL become a problem because you will convince yourself that it is a problem and things will no longer work out. Remember that she is with you for who you are, not what you are.

Giselle

Confusedbart wrote: »

Thank you very much for your replies.
But being really honest…how would you feel if you were me?
Would you be ashamed? Would you try to make up for it in some other way?

I don't understand what it is you have to be ashamed of. You're an honourable guy, you've worked hard to support yourself and your family in hard times, and continue to work hard. She obviously finds lots of qualities in you that she likes, and has never made you feel inferior.

You should be proud of yourself for how you're living your life and how much she likes you. Acedemic qualifications aren't the only things you can acomplish that you should be proud of.

If none of this is an issue for her, don't make it an issue for you.:)

Bottle_of_Smoke

Confusedbart wrote: »

Thank you very much for your replies.
But being really honest…how would you feel if you were me?
Would you be ashamed? Would you try to make up for it in some other way?

I'd prob feel intimidated but flattered at the same time. I certainly wouldn't be ashamed

MAke up for it in some other way? Not sure what you mean. I think I might do some reading about medical studies so we'd have interesting things to talk about.

Mate I think you have a good catch. My advice is to be strict with yourself about not resenting her. She's done nothing wrong and is doing a very difficult course

iptba

Confusedbart wrote: »

My question is, do you think our different background could be a problem? Could this relationship work? I wonder if in the future our different tastes and background might become a problem.

(Warning: non-romantic post)

I think you might be right to protect yourself emotionally i.e. don't hear wedding bells just yet. A medical student is a lot different from a medical doctor in terms of the money they have in comparison to you. This aspect of a relationship seems to matter to some people.

RedRebel

Xenee wrote: »

READ THIS!

---

IF

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master,
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!


Rudyard Kipling (1865-1936)

---

Should be the forum charter tbh

LegacyUser

Thank you so very much for all replies and advice, really. It means a lot to me.

gubbie

Men in construction/fire men/army uniforms are hot (to a degree). It shows you're manly so I doubt she was turned off by your work gear.

You've probably worked just as hard in life to get where you are as she has and hopefully she respects and admires you for that. And you speak fluent English and Polish... you're already miles ahead of many Irish people!

You probably do make up for it in other ways though. If you work in construction then you're probably good with your hands and DIY. What good a degree in English if you can't change a light bulb?!

Don't dig into it though. If you make it a problem, it'll become a problem. I dated a guy before that was (as he put it) "Working Class" where as I was (again him) "Upper Class". He talked about it frequently and how my life was so much easier then his. I used to tell him that it was sheer luck that I was born into my family and I couldn't do anything to change it. His background didn't bug me at all, but his constant referring and bickering about mine did

And finally, you said you're worrying about being "cheap". If by cheap you also mean that you don't have the money to be going out and buying her lavish things/fancy dinners, then don't. Do something spontaneous and relatively cheap. Of course this all depends on the person. For example a friend was recently describing how her sisters boyfriend treats her amazingly and really romantically and then used the fact that she'd been given a teddy, flowers, dvd's, cd's and jewelery for Valentines day as proof as this. In my opinion it shouldn't take all that (that's what the companies are telling us is the definition of "romantic" anyway) and something like a surprise picnic up a mountain/at the beach/park would be 50 times better and cheaper then this. (Again depends on the person! You have to know what she likes If you said she's not posh/high maintenance/spoiled though you're really onto a winner)

From a girls point of view though I don't see you as cheap. Just a manly man (unless you secretly paint you nails... don't do that)

CDfm

So your girlfriend is bright, clever and potentially earns more than you. And you get on.

Dump your male ego. Life is full of contrasts and this lady does not need a guy to be financially secure as she already is.

Maybe she likes you for you. Enjoy it

Zen65

Confusedbart wrote: »

How would you feel if you were in my shoes? Would you feel embarrassed/ashamed? How do you see our situation?

Maybe she sees the bigger picture? She knows you have certain skills that she does not. Maybe she feels silly because she has no idea how to hang a picture on the wall, and you can build houses?

If it's working, don't over-analyse it, enjoy it.


Be at peace,

Z

fits

Zen65 wrote: »

Maybe she sees the bigger picture? She knows you have certain skills that she does not. Maybe she feels silly because she has no idea how to hang a picture on the wall, and you can build houses?


Z

yeah this is very true. Also education and intelligence arent the same thing. Some of the smartest people I've known have had less education.

Distorted

Confusedbart wrote: »

I also have to admit that every now and then I resent her a bit for having had everything so easy in life (I know it is not fair).

Bart.

She's not had everything easy in life - getting a law degree is very difficult and takes years of hard studying and committment, and embarking on a medical career does too. Living at home and looking for a rich boyfriend would be something to resent someone like this for but she has done stuff in her life when she could probably sit back and do nothing.

I've got a law degree myself and I could guess at a couple of things your girlfriend is thinking. Firstly, other lawyers and medics can be arrogant pains in the neck to go out with and she probably appreciates someone like you who is genuine and hard working. Secondly, a lot of guys for some reason feel intimadated by an intelligent woman who doesn't just want a dead end job or to be a housewife - don't fall into this trap and be one of these unimaginative, insecure men. Be relaxed about your relationship, be yourself and be proud of your girlfriend!