Absolutely HATE where I'm from - Please Help

Where do I go?

Somebody please put some perspective on this...

I understand why I am the way I am today and it's because of the upbringing I had
- my parents had the most terrible marraige and fought like hell and when dad was out getting blotto in the pub, my mam used to enjoy taking her depression and agression out on me.
I was badly beaten up twice by her. But I wont go there.

I was a quiet and well behaved, mild mannered child and I didnt develop any addictions or ill temper.
What I did develop is depression - sometimes its so severe that I can't leave the house.
It's been with me since early childhood - I could not turn to my parents for any kind of support or care, as long as i kept my head down and acted invisible I made it through the day. I raised myself essentially.
But because my parents were unemployed all through my childhood,
I had no motivation, no models to look up to, no praise or encouragement.
I was allowed to drop out of school, I was badly bullied but my parents didnt care,
my mother was the biggest bully of them all anyway.
I was allowed to lock myself in my room, 24 hours a day, they didnt care.

Aged 16, just after leaving school I was the victim of a serious assault
- I cant talk about the circumstances, please dont cut me down for what I'm about to say
but it was from this that I formed an opinion and I cant ever change it.
I have had a real hatred for the place I'm from and this was the single worst event I've ever experienced and I wish I had died that night.
I have not and never will get over it.
It has disabled my mind. My mind is paralyzed.

I signed on the dole at 18 and have rarely been off it since.
It began with the fear of applying for jobs with only a failed Junior Cert behind me.
And another fear of mixing with people because of school.
Then the attack.
Deep depression followed.
Slowly, with the help of books and magazines I began to develop an optimism and applied for jobs.
But I was sacked from my first one as I am hopleless at maths and made too many mistakes on the cash register, I know that was the reason.
It was the WAY I was sacked that really affected me - they phoned my house and my mother answered (I was out), when I got home she screamed out at me "You got the sack! Ahhhh! They're after sacking you! Told you not to come back Monday!" taunted and tormented me about it.
Back on the dole.

In my experiences with people I have become a very good judge of character.
I observe and analyse people's behaviour and am interested in why people
are how they are.
I've HAD to learn this to make sense of all that's happened to me.

I am absolutely convinced that there is a 'culture' unique to not only every religion and country but also to every town and City and I feel that where I'm from is a place that not only looks depraved but like a place, say Brazil, where the homeless live in sheds outside the homes of the super rich, this place where I am is rife with two kinds of people
- the scum and the decent - and it is SO very obvious to see, for a place of this size.
I can understand this in a big country, but here, no.
And I dont like it.
If you live in gloomy surroundings sooner or later it will affect your mind.
I live in a nice house, though it is rented and I'm terribly insecure about my future
however I go outside and ALL I see are scumbags.
And they're getting younger and younger.
Here there is no mix of an arty type, a fashionable set, students or a town full
with business people in suits.
It's working class and scum.

I have not made many friends in my life due to circumstances so have had no real drive
to succeed.
I am in a long term relationship with a man who is also mentally bound by circumstances and I am very unhappy with him as he is extremely stubborn and refuses to work for anybody but himself, in a business which failed mainly due to being as bad as me with maths
and part due to recession.
We have no education or skills between us.
Just people skills, ironically for me but I have.
I trust people, though I probably shouldn't.
So now we are both permanantly unemployed and I don't see a way out.
All I want to do is leave and if I could leave alone,
without him tomorrow I would.
He has been unfaithful to me in the past when he was doing very well in business and
I know in my heart that he will do the same when things go well again for him.
I suffered a breakdown because of it and he didn't care. He was having too much fun.

I have had jobs here and there and have done some courses but never last long
- I have bad insomnia and am lucky to sleep one night a week.
I drop out of things and nobody comments.
I want to change, I really do want to be normal but am overwhelmed with
the thoughts of being on time, organising myself in the mornings ect,
I am always late and generally cant take anything seriously.
I never got in to trouble at home for not going to school.
They couldnt criticise me.

I want to learn something again and have a life and an interest but
ALL I can think of (and its permanantly in my head) is how much I hate this place
and dislike its people.
Please believe me when I say this place is heaving with gossip mongers and all round begrudgery and there are some rotten cliques among people of my own age on the
so-called 'social scene'.
People here are suspicious, very tight-knit and closed to new comers.
You have to be very stereotype to fit in.
Very small-minded in your thinking.
Very live here, love it and be buried here.

I have recently had some counselling but honest to God the person was of no help,
I didnt need someone to listen, I needed someone to suggest things to me,
I spent months telling about my childhood and got no feedback, it was all a waste.
I have also tried anti-depression medication but was left zombified and exhausted.

I feel its all too much to bear.
I want so badly to get out but I know the only was is to study and I AM
so far behind, YEARS behind.
The thoughts of having to spend the next 1, 2 or more years, stuck here makes me want to drop out of a course I'm not even doing yet!!!
I do know what I want to study yes but I hate so much having to wake up here every day.

I look at the Abroad Forum but all I see are carefree educated people posting about different Visa types...there doesnt seem to BE a place in this world for someone with my lack-of...

Does anyone understand me?
HOW can i get out, surely there has to be an easy or an instant way?
Thanks.

Sleepy

You need to stop being a victim, ditch the loser, leave your hometown and move somewhere else. Once you've done that, there are loads of opportunities for adult education in Ireland - there's nothing stopping you going back to do a leaving cert, maybe going to college or some form of further education.

You can blame whoever you like for your unhappiness, and maybe they have contributed to it in different ways but only you can change your life. There's no fairy-godmother that's going to appear out of the night sky and do it for you. Stop focusing on your past and all the wrongs done to you by your parents, society, the town you live in etc. etc. etc. That's just wallowing in misery. Get off your arse and go after the life you want. You may never get the dream life you want, but just by chasing it, your life will be better than it is now.

Elle Collins

Where do I go? wrote: »

HOW can i get out, surely there has to be an easy or an instant way?

There is a way, but it is not easy and it is not instant. It is education, and it takes effort and time. You need to motivate yourself, enroll on an adult education course and stick with it. Go to your local PLC (Post Leaving Certificate) college and enroll as a mature student (I'm assuming you're over 23) If you are it will not matter that you have no prior educational qualifications, you will be accepted onto whatever course you choose anyway. It might be recommended that you do an 'adults returning to education' course, which is like a preliminary course where you will learn all the basic office and computer skills you'd need to get through any of the higher level courses. You can also avail of grinds funding to help you in maths.

Also antidepressants, there are hundreds of kinds. Don't give up on them all because of a bad experience with one or two types! - And don't do the same thing with men either. Get rid of that eejit you're with and spend some time focusing on yourself. When the time is right to meet someone special that will happen. Don't paint all men with the same brush. And counsellors, most people have to get through a few of those before they find the right one for them; very much like men and anti-depressants now as I think of it!

You had a horrible upbringing but you are your own woman now. You can move on and you will move on, but only if you truly want to and are prepared to fight for it - so the question you need to be asking yourself now is, are you?

DACSTER

Sounds to me like you'd actually make a good physcriatric doctor or nurse actually. Whatever your are going to do you must try and set a goal, you need something to live and strive for. Here is a little song that always used to cheer me up.

There's a voice that keeps on calling me
Down the road, that's where I'll always be.
Every stop I make, I make a new friend,
Can't stay for long, just turn around and I'm gone again

Maybe tomorrow, I'll want to settle down,
Until tomorrow, I'll just keep moving on.

Down this road that never seems to end,
Where new adventure lies just around the bend.
So if you want to drive me for a while,
Just grab your hat, come travel light, that's hobo style.

Maybe tomorrow I'll want to settle down,
Until tomorrow, the whole world is my home

Miss Fluff

Sleepy wrote: »

You need to stop being a victim

+1

Your post makes for sad reading but every aspect of your life AS IT STANDS is within your power to change. You can't change your parents. You can't change your upbringing. You can't change the assault.

I think for someone with "no" education, you write extremely well. Use that talent and go back to college. An education won't just land on your lap! They don't just hand out qualifications. You have to put some effort in. I'm studying law and I'm in my 30s, I spend +20 hours a week on it as well as working 40 hours a week. Is it easy? Fcuk no. It's a hard drudgery-filled slog but those things worth having in life have to be fought for sometimes.

If you want to change your life, it is within your power to do so. You can educate yourself. You can leave a toxic relationship. You can move to a different area.

This whole:

I want to change, I really do want to be normal but am overwhelmed with
the thoughts of being on time, organising myself in the mornings ect,
I am always late and generally cant take anything seriously.

really resonates with me because it is yet another excuse to bandy about. If you want a job and you want to be taken seriously and want to genuinely improve your life rather than wearing the victim hat, you damn well make sure to be on time. You damn well make sure to organise yourself better.

Nobody is going to hold your hand. BUT if you are willing to make those changes, there are an infinite number of people there to help you on your way. It really is your call though.

I think if you actually want to move forward, you need to forget about your past. And I think you have the potential to have a really happy and fulfilled future if you decide once and for all that's really what you want and that you are prepared to fight for it....

Miss Fluff

DACSTER wrote: »

Sounds to me like you'd actually make a good physcriatric doctor or nurse actually. Whatever your are going to do you must try and set a goal, you need something to live and strive for. Here is a little song that always used to cheer me up.

There's a voice that keeps on calling me
Down the road, that's where I'll always be.
Every stop I make, I make a new friend,
Can't stay for long, just turn around and I'm gone again

Maybe tomorrow, I'll want to settle down,
Until tomorrow, I'll just keep moving on.

Down this road that never seems to end,
Where new adventure lies just around the bend.
So if you want to drive me for a while,
Just grab your hat, come travel light, that's hobo style.

Maybe tomorrow I'll want to settle down,
Until tomorrow, the whole world is my home

The littlest hobo

Denerick

Its all so very easy to 'give some tough' love when you hail from a happy background yourself. I won't bother OP. You've had it rough and I think you need to move away from where you are first and foremost. How about out in the countryside? You could rent cheap, and get in a job in a local town or village. You wouldn't have those kinds of neighbours annoying you in a rural area, and as they say, nature is good for the soul. You could re-evaluate from there. Bring your boyfriend for company.

I also think a lot of the 'advice' here is incredibly harsh and seems to amount to 'buck up your act love'.

liah

I come from just as shít a background (if you really want to know I'll tell you, but it'd be wasting thread space here), if things like that can even be compared, and honestly? You're getting no love from me.

Get out of your own head and stop dwelling on the past, all it does is make you sad and frustrated so what's the goddamn point? It irritates the hell out of me, people whinging on about their past and letting it restrict their positivity and playing it all woe-is-me. As if you're the only person in the world with a fúcked up life! And I was like that for awhile, but then I grew the hell up. While I still have down days (and yes, you're allowed them, but not every damn day!) where everything looks unbelievably bleak, I refuse to let them take control of my life so I shake free of them fairly quickly and just remind myself of the most important thing:

The past is IN THE PAST. It cannot be changed, it cannot come back. The future is full of possibilities, and you can change it. So focus on IT and not things you have no control over!

Okay? The sooner you get that through your head, the better. Drill it the hell in. And nothing in your life will change until you do, so prepare yourself for a life of misery if you allow your past to control you. And if you want good people in your life, you have to be good to yourself-- and that's getting yourself out of the stupid situation you're in, and getting yourself away from people who constantly keep you down.

And last but not least.. quit playing the goddamn victim, while people will seem compassionate at first they'll tire of it very quickly, as relationships (of the friendship or significant other sort) are a two-way street and victims tend to do an awful lot more take than give.

I don't care if I sound brutal. It has to be said, and it has to be said from someone who's been there.

Where do I go?

Sleepy wrote: »

You can blame whoever you like for your unhappiness, and maybe they have contributed to it in different ways but only you can change your life. There's no fairy-godmother that's going to appear out of the night sky and do it for you. Stop focusing on your past and all the wrongs done to you by your parents, society, the town you live in etc. etc. etc. That's just wallowing in misery. Get off your arse and go after the life you want. You may never get the dream life you want, but just by chasing it, your life will be better than it is now.

Thank you Sleepy, that's a good way of putting it. And something HAS to be better than nothing, right?
The world seems so big and scary to me right now that it's easy for me to feel daunted by the prospect of embarking on something that nobody (not even my b/f) will give me credit for,
so I guess I'll just have to prove myself to new people and gain even just a small degree of acknowledgement from them,
it's all I really need to feel supported in my search for self improvement.

Dudess

I think some comments here are harsh - OP, you strike me as quite strong considering the horrible things that have happened to you, you just need guidance and to develop the ability to believe in yourself. And there's nothing wrong with either.

Go for counselling again - shop around and find someone who's right for you. There are lots of different types of counsellor. You could really do with it, in my opinion.

I think your outlook on life has been a bit skewed by your experiences too - it's not the place you come from, it's your own specific background.

Where do I go?

Elle Collins wrote: »

Don't paint all men with the same brush. And counsellors, most people have to get through a few of those before they find the right one for them; very much like men and anti-depressants now as I think of it!

You had a horrible upbringing but you are your own woman now. You can move on and you will move on, but only if you truly want to and are prepared to fight for it - so the question you need to be asking yourself now is, are you?

Like the comparisons Elle, made me laugh!

And yeah, I absolutely am willing to battle for change, I'm at a point where I HAVE to, it's do fast or die slowly, I have no choice but to save myself.

I'm so glad there is the medium that is Boards, I've only discovered it about a year ago and I contribute to lots of other (inc Personal) forums, though I've never posted anything in the Personal Issues about myself 'til now, I suppose I thought I could figure it all out by myself
but without the feedback and support it provides, people like myself can feel a bit of a connection with the world again

Where do I go?

DACSTER wrote: »

Sounds to me like you'd actually make a good physcriatric doctor or nurse actually. Whatever your are going to do you must try and set a goal, you need something to live and strive for. Here is a little song that always used to cheer me up.
There's a voice that keeps on calling me
Down the road, that's where I'll always be...

Wow! Thank you! That's a very good observation to make on me
- I had in the past considered phycology (as mentioned before I consistently analysed people's motives and behaviour, trying to figure out why some were nasty, why some had the set of circumstances they had and even how seemingly 'sucessful' people had what they had and what they did to create their good fortunes ect)

I can understand why a person would choose mental health as a career, perhaps they've had some unforgettable experience that they seek answers to and make it their life's work to find.
I do know for sure though that like any other profession which deals with sensitive personal issues that you need to have a very objective personality and an ability to remain relatively unaffected by what's confided in you.
That I could not do. I worry for everyone.
People would be taken home by me! I would confront their aggressors!
Human Rights Activist...that I COULD do...now I come to think of it...

I know that song! I know that show! I used to watch it, I know the air and everything! Used to wish I was that free too, trade lives with that dog any day!

Where do I go?

Miss Fluff wrote: »

I think for someone with "no" education, you write extremely well.
Use that talent and go back to college. An education won't just land on your lap! They don't just hand out qualifications. You have to put some effort in. I'm studying law and I'm in my 30s, I spend +20 hours a week on it as well as working 40 hours a week. Is it easy? Fcuk no.
there are an infinite number of people there to help you on your way.

Thanks a million Miss Fluff, I do indeed (cupped hands shaking imaginary rattle from side to side)! Thank you for noticing!
I kind of self-educated - dictionaries, library books and pre-returned broadsheet papers from the local shop...a long time before the internet went household.

I sent off my application for the course I want to study today,
bit late but I'll definitely get an interview, whether or not I get a place, who knows but I do have others lined up elsewhere just in case.

If I do I just hope that I'll maintain the strength to tear myself out of bed mid-December and trudge through the pissin' rain streets to get there,
something like not fitting in with a group of people doesnt bother me now like it would when I was at school but if I make friends with just ONE other person I'll be happy
- everyone needs a classmate to consult, dont they?
And I'm expecting there to be around 25 girls, aged 18 fresh from school and becoming BESTEST FRIENDS EVER!!! on the first day :eek: and me,
15 years older than any of them...happy days...

Fair play for the work and study you do, you have a good ethic and I wish you every success, whoever you are!
Thanks again

Where do I go?

liah wrote: »

It irritates the hell out of me, people whinging on about their past and letting it restrict their positivity and playing it all woe-is-me. As if you're the only person in the world with a fúcked up life!
And last but not least.. quit playing the goddamn victim, while people will seem compassionate at first they'll tire of it very quickly, as relationships (of the friendship or significant other sort) are a two-way street and victims tend to do an awful lot more take than give.
I don't care if I sound brutal

Hi Liah,

while I appreciate the majority of your statements I'd just like to point out that I came on Boards to put this in writing - people can choose whether to read my thread or not and whether to reply to it or not.
It's hardly whinging unless there's someone right in front of you,
going on and on, and not listening to the suggestions being given, dismissing advice as futile, 'it'll never work!' type thing
You're kind of taking me trying to seek solutions as a "woe-is-me" type rant, it isn't!
I have plans made and was just trying to see if people understand why I'm struggling to live a 'normal everyday' existence from events in my past.
I needed to know if people thought my situation was rational,
given my past.

When you say victims tend to do an awful lot more take than give
yes that can be true of certain people but personally I have been deflated by my family and others, for dealing with THEIR problems and consistently trying to 'rescue' them and nobody has had any concern for ME when I needed THEM, everything I've done I've had to do ALONE and never did I ever bother anyone I know with my own setbacks.

People I know see me as strong-minded, too many have confided in me and set their personal burdens on me, STARED in to my face until my face went blue and I ran out of answers for them and gave nothing in return.
I've learnt the more you do for people...you know the rest...
My energy is gone from these people and I dont assosciate with them anymore and have they called to see how i was???
What's wrong with posting annonymously on Boards wondering if people understand where I'm coming from? That isn't whinging OR taking!

Thanks for your input though.

CodeMonkey

I don't really have anything useful to contribute Just want to say to the OP that you appear to be quite insightful and you are more articulate than most people with a lot more formal education. Maybe you can look into being a writer or a journalist. Anyway, best of luck with your plans.

midlandsmissus

I mean this in the best possible way: I've suffered aswell.

My parents divorced and my mam took us away from my Dad - never saw him again. He won't see me now.

My one older brother went completely off the rails with mental health issues as a teenager, he used to go missing, and I remember the utter fear of going out looking for him, afraid I would find his dead body. The worst thing was because he was mentally ill - I couldn't talk to anyone about it - huge stigma.

My mam was also violently bad tempered and there wasn't a moment of peace in the house. I don't remember one point of my childhood where I was carefree, it was worry, worry, worry.

I'm saying all this to you, because what helped me to heal was hearing how other people have suffered as much or worse than myself. It is only once you are able to look outside your suffering and at other people's that you can begin to heal.

I had alot of pity and anger like you for ages, and it is a step you will go through. Unless people have gone through it on here, they can't really know what it is like. But you can get through it. The first step is to try to stop pitying yourself and a great way to do this, is help others - VOLUNTEER. I volunteer with alot of charities, and it will truly humble you - the amount of things people go through.

Another step to healing is to realise what you got out of the suffering. Because EVERYTHING has a good effect.

For me, it made me more compassionate of other people's suffering, and made me want to work in an area where I help other people. And I'm now a social worker.

I'm now, not, happy, but accepting, of the fact that I went through alot, because it galvanised me to help other people.

And when you have reached this stage, you have truly healed, good luck.

Where do I go?

CodeMonkey wrote: »

Just want to say to the OP that you appear to be quite insightful and you are more articulate than most people with a lot more formal education. Maybe you can look into being a writer or a journalist. Anyway, best of luck with your plans.

This thread I've started is beginning to amaze me - a writer or journalist?
How kind you are CodeMonkey!
This was put to me by a career guidance counsellor when I was around 23,
who suggested I could by-pass uni entry requirements,
on the grounds of mature student entry, but did I follow through???...

Another poster suggested I would make a good phyciatrist (ME?!) :eek:
or mental health nurse :eek: though right now I don't think I'd pass
ANY phycometric evaluation eligibility tests

Thank you and best of luck to you too.

Where do I go?

midlandsmissus wrote: »

I mean this in the best possible way: I've suffered aswell.

My parents divorced and my mam took us away from my Dad - never saw him again. He won't see me now.

My one older brother went completely off the rails with mental health issues as a teenager, he used to go missing, and I remember the utter fear of going out looking for him, afraid I would find his dead body. The worst thing was because he was mentally ill - I couldn't talk to anyone about it - huge stigma.

My mam was also violently bad tempered and there wasn't a moment of peace in the house. I don't remember one point of my childhood where I was carefree, it was worry, worry, worry.

I'm saying all this to you, because what helped me to heal was hearing how other people have suffered as much or worse than myself. It is only once you are able to look outside your suffering and at other people's that you can begin to heal.

I had alot of pity and anger like you for ages, and it is a step you will go through. Unless people have gone through it on here, they can't really know what it is like. But you can get through it. The first step is to try to stop pitying yourself and a great way to do this, is help others - VOLUNTEER. I volunteer with alot of charities, and it will truly humble you - the amount of things people go through.

Another step to healing is to realise what you got out of the suffering. Because EVERYTHING has a good effect.

For me, it made me more compassionate of other people's suffering, and made me want to work in an area where I help other people. And I'm now a social worker.

I'm now, not, happy, but accepting, of the fact that I went through alot, because it galvanised me to help other people.

And when you have reached this stage, you have truly healed, good luck.

I am including the quotation your entire post as it really rings a bell with me.
As a young teen I used to dream about jobs where I could get away from my family, jobs where I thought I could somehow make a difference through 'volunteering', one was Au Pair (but then the Louise Woodward story emerged along with other-side stories of how Au Pairs themselves can be treated...).
The starving childeren in Africa was another,
I even wrote a piece on not understanding racism to a charitable organisation (aged 14) and they (naturally) wrote me back saying I was too young and to stay on at school, train as a nurse ect ;
then sign up for duty.

As I've said before, the easiest thing was to just give up.
I wanted these things to happen there and then,
when I realised they couldn't, I gave up.
I needed an immediate escape route in order to help others and
hadn't got the mind to wait.
I often think back to that essay and how if things had been right for me
I just might have GOT to Africa.
I see the importance to give and to help and to care.

Whatever I decide to do, it's got to be soon,
I am away from my family now and only just starting to notice the peace
I have on the outside (which is thankfully now outweighing the inner turmoil),
so it's only NOW that I can attempt a new start, down a long road to catch up with those who have achieved long before me.
I've got it all to do - study, reconsider the relationship I'm in and look
for ways to leave here.
And hopefully somewhere in between find the same desire to make a difference to others as when I was young.

Considering your background you must be pretty good at what you do,
it certainly gives you an understanding in to not just one but several aspects of family breakdown and had obviously given you a strength you might otherwise not have had. It takes a lot to care for others when you've been through the mill yourself.
Keep the faith.

Thank you.

The Highwayman

DACSTER wrote: »

Sounds to me like you'd actually make a good physcriatric doctor or nurse actually. Whatever your are going to do you must try and set a goal, you need something to live and strive for. Here is a little song that always used to cheer me up.

There's a voice that keeps on calling me
Down the road, that's where I'll always be.
Every stop I make, I make a new friend,
Can't stay for long, just turn around and I'm gone again

Maybe tomorrow, I'll want to settle down,
Until tomorrow, I'll just keep moving on.

Down this road that never seems to end,
Where new adventure lies just around the bend.
So if you want to drive me for a while,
Just grab your hat, come travel light, that's hobo style.

Maybe tomorrow I'll want to settle down,
Until tomorrow, the whole world is my home

No way, 'The littlest Hobbo' man I loved that show when I was a kid